hearthealth

I was wondering are all alcoholic withdrawn? They emotionally don't care and put in no effort in what is going on in another person's life. Are they always pretty much self absorbed, not just in search of alcohol? Is it part of the disease? Can alcoholics be caring if they were sober and being active in recovery?

Poppy79

Wow. No, not all alcoholics are self absorbed people when clean. To assume someone is self absorbed because they have an addiction is a bit out of order.
Could it be the person you seem to think is self absorbed is just that by personality, not by their drinking past?
I'm alcoholic and I found your questions to be quite off putting and insulting to people like me who suffer from addiction and are in the process of 'fixing' themselves!

stargazer016

I think most of us were caring people before we succumbed to the disease of alcoholism. By the end, all that I cared about was my next drink. In early recovery, myself and many alcoholics spend a lot of time in their own heads, trying to figure out how to build a new sober life. The caring will come once they feel a little more secure about themselves and their recovery.

hearthealth

Could it be the person you seem to think is self absorbed is just that by personality, not by their drinking past?
I'm alcoholic and I found your questions to be quite off putting and insulting to people like me who suffer from addiction and are in the process of 'fixing' themselves

I mean no disrespect to you or anyone. I'm sorry if you took it that way.

Yes, it is because of someone I am dealing with through the greif of my loss.

AnvilheadII

while immersed in addiction, addicts are very absorbed in their continued usage. that can play out in a lot of ways.

but addiction doesn't turn all addicts into selfish jerks who treat their loved ones with disdain, disrespect or abuse. those are traits that exist regardless of the substances.

ladyscribbler

I gave alcohol waaaay too much credit for my ex's unacceptable behavior. I think in a way it made it easier on me if I could blame his drinking for everything. It made it feel OK for me to accept abusive behavior and put my children in dangerous and unhealthy situations because "it wasn't him, it was the booze." It also made it feel OK for me to pull out all the stops to help him get sober, even though I wanted it way more than he did.

I still don't know if the alcohol was the cause, and I'm glad I didn't waste any more of my life waiting to find out.

I'm inclined to think, having met many who are living in sobriety and embracing recovery, that we still would have had plenty of problems even if he had quit drinking after the first time I begged him to. Alcoholism does not cause abusive and controlling behavior.

Forward12

It really depends on the person. Some are just that way sober or not, though active alcoholics do get so absorbed in the addiction that really the only thing in life that matters is the booze, and everything else is a very distant second.

NYCDoglvr

For active alcoholics booze is their God, best friend, great love of their life and more important than anything else. Those who get sober may become less self-centered and selfish but it takes a lot of work (therapy, AA's 12 Steps).

Ladybird579

My exah was a selfish, self absorbed drunk. He was abusive, nasty, unloving and inconsiderate. He was like that sober too. It isn't always the alcohol talking.

Nata1980

Same here. Even sober XAH was as selfish as they come - he would have some good moments but overall - selfish and withdrawn indeed.

He is in early recovery now (8 months months) and probably the most selfish he has ever been. Which is, fortunately, no longer my problem.

Politically correct thing would be to say that it depends on a person, in reality/out of personal experience - people with addictive personality traits tend to be selfish and disconnected, unless they are diligently working on their recovery

LifeRecovery

Hearthealth-

I have to admit I can't answer your question.

I just wanted to throw in that my ability to absorb and excuse inexcusable behavior was monumental......but there was always some resentment under the surface.

I also had some pretty unrealistic expectations of the role of a husband, companion and friend, but then when they were not met would blame myself for them not being met.....and added more resentments.

Finally for the more realistic expectation I did have I kept hoping that "when" he got sober those expectations would be met.

It took me forever to realize that unacceptable to me was unacceptable to me....drunk, sober or otherwise.

My ONLY choice in the matter was if I was going to tolerate unacceptable behavior from someone else and what I needed to do to take care of myself around it.

This was a simple idea that was very hard for me to implement.

MrMystery

In my case, it's a two-way street. I'm withdrawn because she is only interested in repeating the same story she's just repeated 20 times, and she's withdrawn because she doesn't understand I don't need to hear the 25th retelling of a story she's gone over at length for the last two hours. It's definitely more about the personality of the individual you're with more than the alcohol.

NewRomanMan

In my own limited experience I've found that sober alcoholics who are really embracing 12 step recovery (I can't speak for an alternative method) and are doing the work generally turn around 180 degrees and become pretty selfless people. Once we find out the world doesn't revolve around us and we're genuinely happy helping others things seem to turn out better all around. But take what I tell you with a grain of salt. I'm sure there are people out there that haven't had the positive experiences I have.

HURTINGDINA

I could not agree more....though my agreement comes from immense pain. My ex left me after being sober 6 mos said it is my fault he drank.
He now says he can't come back to me and boys because he would drink again. (found out recently he was drinking from age 13).
Wants a brand new life, deserves to be happy cause he is turning 50.
Selfish drinker, selfish sober.
So very destructive to love an alcoholic. Me and my boys hurt everyday still.

****based on my own personal experience. I in no way want to taint someone trying to get or stay sober.

FeelingGreat

I think some people start drinking because they're introverted and shy but that's just some As. There's a great variety out there, caring, shy, outgoing, selfish, just like with normies.

Alcoholism itself can often be a selfish condition, especially when friends and family are penalised.

NewRomanMan

that breaks my heart. jeeze.

kevlarsjal

My boyfriend and me are both sober alcoholics. From experience I can say, that at times we can both SEEM self-centred and not caring or having much empathy. That is most likely to happen when we're stressed. We both have problems dealing with emotions (our own ones and others') and / or identifying them (in ourselves or others), they cause lots of stress in us. Also it puts us under great stress to make decisions that affect others or when our plans get changed or interrupted. I think that's because instead of learning to understand and deal with emotions (and acceptance in general) we chose to drink, so we're very inexperienced when it comes to that. Same goes for accepting that things don't always work out the way you want them to. The behaviour I see in my boyfriend and in myself often reminds me of young children / toddlers. I hope one day we'll catch up on how to behave a bit more mature in stressful situations.

But what I want to emphasise is, that we also are extremely loving and caring persons. I received more support and honest care and compassion from my alcoholic boyfriend than I did from anyone else. I'm just that in some situations we can't give/show it cause we are too stressed and simply don't have any capacity for that. And sometimes the stress also can make us a bit self focused so we don't see that easily what people around us may need or want. But it's never meant in a bad or cold-hearted way.

LexieCat

You explained that very well (I'm eight years sober and I can relate). Hearthealth's husband is abusive, though--what she's dealing with goes way beyond ordinary alcoholic self-centeredness. But it's a good reminder that people who really ARE in recovery and generally doing well can have lapses where they are less than engaged with others.

hearthealth

Kevlarsjal, I also think you explained that very well. I think it may explain my husband, though I may never know for sure. I do also have the additional abuse factor. I don't want to overlook the abuse but I want to understand the effects that alcohol may have on some people. I don't want to upset anyone so forgive me if I'm not wording this correctly.

kevlarsjal

Hearthealth, no worries you didn't upset me at all. Of course I don't know your husband, so I can't speak for him or how much of his behaviour is caused by his character and how much by the addiction. All I can say is my boyfriend and me were never abusive, not in our drinking days and not now. So I doubt that abusive part is caused by your husbands drinking. It could be intensified by the drinking maybe.