New partner has an issue with alcohol
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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New partner has an issue with alcohol
Hi all
I was in a marriage with a man who had issues with alcohol and binge drinking, which made him violent. After I left him he was arrested and charged with multiple assaults against me... the court case was last year and was incredibly stressful. I swore I would never be involved with an alcoholic again.
I met a new partner three months ago and he's been wonderful. So different from my ex, gentle and kind. But in the last month there have started to be strange patterns in his behaviour. When he's not with me in the evening he's generally not contactable after around eight pm, sometimes when I see him during the day I think I smell a trace of alcohol under the gum he's chewing (but I'm not entirely sure), a couple of times at my place he's helped himself to shots of liquor 'out of curiosity to see what this one tastes like'.
He is in trouble with the police for growing a small amount of marijuana in his house, he initially told me this was for someone else but has now admitted it was for his own use.
We went away on a weekend together a few days ago... had a bottle of wine with dinner on Friday night which we only drank half of. He brought it back to the hotel room and on Saturday early afternoon I found him drinking a glass. He said 'if you smell alcohol on my breath it's just this wine', which seemed like such an odd thing to say. When he went for a shower I'm ashamed to say I took the water bottle out of his open bag and opened it... neat vodka.
I confronted him and he was really upset and teary. He said that he'd been anxious about this weekend and that he wouldn't be able to sleep so he'd brought it just in case. There was a little bit gone but he swore he never drank during the day, he'd had none of it while we were away, that he had no issue with drink other than a habit of using it occasionally to sleep. He told me over and over that he didn't deserve me, I should just walk away.
That evening he talked a lot about how he'd been suicidal in the past, lots of graphic descriptions about how he'd put a noose around his neck to try to get the courage to jump.
I told him I couldn't deal with the situation and he agreed and told me he understood and couldn't be part of a couple until he was doing better within himself. But the next day he was on the phone begging me not to leave him, saying that I was the inspiration to get him through his issues, that he was stopping drinking for a whole year, getting counselling and help, turning his life around. That he needed me to help him be successful at that.
I so badly want to believe him but there's been a series of lies and half truths about various things. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and don't want my children and I to be hostage to this situation.
He has a responsible job and his own children, surely that should be enough motivation for him?
I love him and am hurting but don't know whether to go back to him, offer friendship or walk away.
I was in a marriage with a man who had issues with alcohol and binge drinking, which made him violent. After I left him he was arrested and charged with multiple assaults against me... the court case was last year and was incredibly stressful. I swore I would never be involved with an alcoholic again.
I met a new partner three months ago and he's been wonderful. So different from my ex, gentle and kind. But in the last month there have started to be strange patterns in his behaviour. When he's not with me in the evening he's generally not contactable after around eight pm, sometimes when I see him during the day I think I smell a trace of alcohol under the gum he's chewing (but I'm not entirely sure), a couple of times at my place he's helped himself to shots of liquor 'out of curiosity to see what this one tastes like'.
He is in trouble with the police for growing a small amount of marijuana in his house, he initially told me this was for someone else but has now admitted it was for his own use.
We went away on a weekend together a few days ago... had a bottle of wine with dinner on Friday night which we only drank half of. He brought it back to the hotel room and on Saturday early afternoon I found him drinking a glass. He said 'if you smell alcohol on my breath it's just this wine', which seemed like such an odd thing to say. When he went for a shower I'm ashamed to say I took the water bottle out of his open bag and opened it... neat vodka.
I confronted him and he was really upset and teary. He said that he'd been anxious about this weekend and that he wouldn't be able to sleep so he'd brought it just in case. There was a little bit gone but he swore he never drank during the day, he'd had none of it while we were away, that he had no issue with drink other than a habit of using it occasionally to sleep. He told me over and over that he didn't deserve me, I should just walk away.
That evening he talked a lot about how he'd been suicidal in the past, lots of graphic descriptions about how he'd put a noose around his neck to try to get the courage to jump.
I told him I couldn't deal with the situation and he agreed and told me he understood and couldn't be part of a couple until he was doing better within himself. But the next day he was on the phone begging me not to leave him, saying that I was the inspiration to get him through his issues, that he was stopping drinking for a whole year, getting counselling and help, turning his life around. That he needed me to help him be successful at that.
I so badly want to believe him but there's been a series of lies and half truths about various things. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and don't want my children and I to be hostage to this situation.
He has a responsible job and his own children, surely that should be enough motivation for him?
I love him and am hurting but don't know whether to go back to him, offer friendship or walk away.
Last edited by Finngirl78; 02-07-2017 at 01:12 PM. Reason: Typo
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Just three months in, and you are already seeing red flags and your gut is telling you something. If he wants to stop drinking and get his life together, he doesn't need you in order to do it. It sounds to me like he is following the pattern of most all alcoholics. If it were me, and especially if I had children, I would move on from this relationship and be glad that you only had three months invested.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Vodka in a water bottle, making strange excuses, can't reach him ....... yes, red flags should appear. People go through depression and lots of stressful events and don't even think about drinking. It doesn't occur to them. It's up to you, of course, but I'd walk away.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
You only have a three month investment in this relationship. In the big scheme of things, that's nothing. I agree with the other posters on this thread. Get out while you can. You're not responsible for someone else's recovery. Period.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I love him and am hurting but don't know whether to go back to him, offer friendship or walk away.
walk away.
I swore I would never be involved with an alcoholic again.
then DON'T.
at three months in, there really shouldn't be talk of LOVE and COMMITMENT, and NEEDING each other, or any of the drama you have experienced. you are seeing the tip of the iceberg......which is enough, it's STILL an iceberg.
walk away.
I swore I would never be involved with an alcoholic again.
then DON'T.
at three months in, there really shouldn't be talk of LOVE and COMMITMENT, and NEEDING each other, or any of the drama you have experienced. you are seeing the tip of the iceberg......which is enough, it's STILL an iceberg.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
As someone whose SO stuck with him and we emerged, together, on the other side (14 months of sobriety), I really wish I could recommend a course different from what others have suggested, but I just don't think I can. He is almost certainly an alcoholic, but hasn't even admitted this to himself. He has talked about change but taken no real steps. He almost certainly continues to lie to you. His "big goal" is to quit for a year, but he needs to quit for life and, at this point, he can't even comprehend that enough to use those words.
If you do stay in this relationship, and I do not think you should, set down very specific consequences for his continued drinking, which will presumably start and end with "this relationship is over." It's not a threat, it isn't made in anger, it is just a natural consequence of his drinking and its impact on you and your family. When you do decide those consequences, inform him of them, do not waver from them, no matter how much it hurts. Do not waver from them. Ever.
If you do stay in this relationship, and I do not think you should, set down very specific consequences for his continued drinking, which will presumably start and end with "this relationship is over." It's not a threat, it isn't made in anger, it is just a natural consequence of his drinking and its impact on you and your family. When you do decide those consequences, inform him of them, do not waver from them, no matter how much it hurts. Do not waver from them. Ever.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I met a new partner three months ago and he's been wonderful. So different from my ex, gentle and kind.
3 months vested, cut your losses and RUN!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Hello and welcome. He's gentle and kin. Everyone is gentle and kind at the beginning of a relationship. Your only three monthes in this relatiomship. There is no relationship after 8pm and lying. This is the relationship at the best. You can find better ones out there.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Finngirl78 
in the last month there have started to be strange patterns in his behaviour.
he's generally not contactable after around eight pm,
He is in trouble with the police for growing a small amount of marijuana
if you smell alcohol on my breath it's just this wine',
his open bag and opened it... neat vodka.
He told me over and over that he didn't deserve me,
That evening he talked a lot about how he'd been suicidal in the past,
he'd put a noose around his neck to try to get the courage to jump.
couldn't be part of a couple until he was doing better within himself.
begging me not to leave him,
I was the inspiration to get him through his issues,
he needed me to help him be successful at that.
there's been a series of lies and half truths about various things.
But, after reading all of your comments above,
probably best to run away fast and don't look back.
I'm into second chance but, you are early in romance.
And so, so many Red Flags!
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
+1
Being in trouble with the law should be an automatic no go. I wish people sorted themselves out before getting into a relationship.
Being in trouble with the law should be an automatic no go. I wish people sorted themselves out before getting into a relationship.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You've seen this movie and you know how it ends.
Run.
Run.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Run. Fast. Screaming. While you still can. Why in the world would you want get involved with another problem drinker and so soon after you extracted yourself from the last one? I think your energies would be much better spent taking care of YOU. You are worth it.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
That evening he talked a lot about how he'd been suicidal in the past, lots of graphic descriptions about how he'd put a noose around his neck to try to get the courage to jump.
I managed to keep that boyfriend sober for a year, and gave him all kinds of opportunities, but eventually, years after we broke up, he did commit suicide. You just can't sacrifice yourself to save others, it doesn't work. Do what is best for you and let him get his own act together (or not), it's out of your control.
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