Rarity

Hi all,

Almost two weeks ago, I started a thread called "Justified or Overreacting". Please refer to it for my background story.

Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I went to stay with my mom after the confrontation with my ABF. He went through ALL of emotions shortly after: anger, pleading, begging, making promises I knew he would never keep, denial. And then....surprisingly, acceptance. I held my ground through it all.

He was given a date to get out of the house we were renting, but that date is looming and he hasn't found a job in the neighbouring city yet. Although he did find a place to stay.

Here's the thing. He has admitted publicly (via FB) that he is an alcoholic and that he will be reaching out to every available resource to get the counseling and help he needs to get healthy. He apologized to everyone - his son, his family, his friends, and even me. He realizes how much he let everyone down, and ultimately himself, too.

We had a face-to-face talk when I returned back to the house. He explained that his plans to vacate aren't progressing as quickly as he hoped and asked for more time. Which I suppose I could do. He said he'd stay out of my way as much as possible until he can line up means to get his stuff out of the house.

We chatted about our faults. About how he knows now where he went wrong and vows never to touch another drop of alcohol, because it is a poison to him. I told him that I am seeking counseling as well for my codependency issues. We talked about how my issues, fuelled his problems, and that he should've sought help for his underlying issues before it came to this. We laid all the cards out on the table. It was really good to hear that he admitted he was wrong. And I felt good too admitting that I have a problem. For the first time in a while, it was good to finally communicate, even through the tears and sobs.

So. The reason for this thread. I am asking, from all of your experiences, does a person forgive and try to rebuild a life with your loved one after their confession and admittance of the problem? Or do I just walk away to let him deal with his issue on his own?

Any relatable experiences are most welcome.

Thank you!

entropy1964

I'm a recovering alcoholic but have been on all sides of this coin. Child of, wife of, girl friend of etc.

Recovery takes everything I've got, especially early on. You guys aren't married, don't have kids (I don't think) etc. My advice, stay away. If you are codie (I'm one of those too) you need to work on you. And he needs to work on himself.

You were very strong to make a stand and leave. I recommend sticking to that.

dandylion

Rarity....admitting to having a "problem"....is a long way from actually dealing with it, straight up.
It is very, very, common for the alcoholic to fess up when they see that the "Mothership" is sliding away....And the Mothership (you/us) are so relieved and filled with new hope that we reinvest all over again into the relationship....
The alcoholic often gives verbal promises and h alf-measures that are music to our desperate ears....
They know, so well, where our hot buttons are, what our fears are and what we crave to hear.....
do you REALLY know what he would have to do to even have a spitting chance at recovery?
It would take about 2yrs. of a diligent program...as his first priority...to even begin to invest any trust. Hell, he can't even trust himself, right now....as the alcohol is in control....Without working the steps....he still has t he alcoholic thinking....
If he wants to get sober...he will do it if you are in the picture or not! He has been with you,,,and he hasn't gotten sober....why do you think he will if the situation stays the same.
The thing is...you have the most to lose...and, you need to put your needs and future as your first propriety.
We say to watch his actions...as words are cheap....
If you really want to know where he is coming from...tell him "no" about something....and, then see how important his sobriety becomes....

I say...live your own life, separate from him for two years and see what happens....
If you think that 2 yrs. is a long time....you could easily sink in two more years in this relationship and still be at square one, 2 yrs. for now....
There are thousands of real life stories, on this forum that will spell out what I am telling you.....

hope778

Rarity - it is a good first step that he openly confessed and accepted his lack of control over alcohol. There are several steps that have to happen after that to build a solid foundation for a future relationship with him, though. From past and current experience, my advice would be to keep distance for now while you are both dedicated to working on yourselves individually. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. You both acknowledge you need to work on yourselves, so now you need space for that action to take place. If self care never happens, the cycle will perpetuate... Again, from experience I can testify to this.

You are both on the right track now, stay there and pursue that before delving back into a relationship again. I truly wish you both the best on your journey!

hope778

I will add - it is very, very hard to finally hear everything you've been waiting to hear "I am sorry, I was wrong, I hurt you, I am ready to change" and fight the urge to accept that and run back to them. But, keep your distance and get yourself the help you deserve. Let him focus on him too. It is the best gift you could give eachother. Then, maybe a little ways down the road, reconvene.

Maudcat

As others have stated, Rarity, I would stick with the move out plan hard. In my experience, addicts will do almost anything to keep their soft landing place. You are not married, you do not have children together. Keep your distance and let him work his recovery. Honestly, I am skeptical about his readiness, but...time will tell.

Maudcat

Also, it's a pretty classic move to blame the partner. Your issues did not fuel his problems. Drinkers drink because they want to drink. Oh, it's Tuesday? Think I'll have a drink.
Recovery looks like recovery. No drinking, work a program of some type, accept responsibility for past behavior. Do what you have said you are going to do.
Right now, it sounds like he is saying what you would like to hear. Watch what he does.

Maudcat

I'm back. As to moving, he could hire two guys with a truck who would have him out within two hours. Just sayin.

honeypig

The same line jumped out at me as it did at Maudcat, apparently--YOUR issues did NOT fuel HIS drinking. Your issues are yours and his drinking is his. Neither caused the other; both were pre-existing and the only thing they fueled was your initial attraction and then the continuation of the unhealthy dynamic between you. He is still blaming you, and you're still thinking that you somehow caused the drinking (and thus have some degree of control over it).

I'm going to join in w/those who say to stick w/the plan. All you have so far from him is words. Until those words are followed up w/a significant period of time (at least a year, bare minimum) of sobriety and actively working a recovery program, nothing has changed.

It's so sweet to hear those words "I'm sorry" and so sweet to be together on that pink cloud of mutual forgiveness, w/a "fresh start" on the horizon, so tempting to think "THIS time it's all going to be different"...

XAH cried and told me he was "a very sick person and needed help" on numerous occasions. It bought him a lot of time, but in the end, nothing changed--he still drank, still lied. And as soon as I stopped falling for the tears and self-pity, he turned that excuse off, just like turning off a faucet.

From my experience, I'd say do NOT extend the move-out date and do NOT abandon the plan. I think that a lot will be revealed about his sincerity when/if you tell him the plan has not changed; it's often said around here that if you want to know just how deep an A's recovery has gone, try telling him/her "no."

NewRomanMan

Words are cheap and mean nothing. Actions are all that matters. Cut him loose and take care of yourself. You'll be doing both of you a favor. Recovery takes 100% of your energy early on. Maybe down the line when he has some significant recovery time in, things will change, but right now, I have to agree with dandylion. Trying to rebuilt your relationship with him at this point isn't going to help either of you.

knowthetriggers

^^All of this -

And I can add, I am married to an alcoholic for 18 years now. Good times, bad times and VERY bad times. It's true what they say - it is quite the roller coaster ride.

It took 18 years, 18 YEARS and two kids later for me to really see how sick my husband is. Alanon, therapy and SR have pulled me thru some difficult times.

At the moment he is working steps with a sponsor and in a voluntary intensive outpatient program - does that mean he will never drink again, nope......

My best suggestion, keep moving forward, take care of you.



KTT

AnvilheadII

there are a LOT of alcoholics out there that easily ADMIT they are alcoholic and do nothing about it.
admission of a problem is ONLY useful if it is immediately and relentlessly followed up with ACTION.

you two weren't even together a full year and that was a year full of chaos, lies, and cop calls. while living with you, you paid for everything, took care of him, kept a roof over his head.

now with a move out date looming...............and with still no job, he's seen the light! cried to you. managed to still put blame on YOU for HIS out of control drinking, even tho that issue existed long before you came on the scene.

in short he said just enough, shed just enough tears, sounded OH SO sincere - and by golly.........it's working.
where before you were determined, now you waiver.
where before you were clear minded, now you are questioning.
he's just waiting to set the hook as you nibble around the bait and then reel you back in.

NYCDoglvr

In 25 years of recovery I've never heard an alcoholic say they stopped drinking because of another person. Not kids, spouses, family, significant other. He may believe he will, but it just doesn't happen. I would tell him to get back to me after being sober for a year. Ask yourself if you trust and respect him ... that isn't going to change because of another empty vow.

Ariesagain

Actions not words.

Facebook is not a recovery program.

If you look around at most of the stories here, you'll see the price you could pay for staying involved with someone at his stage of alcoholism. The more time we put in, the more we try to rationalize that decision, so the more likely we are to give the alcoholic "one more chance," rinse, repeat.

It's early days...you can still save yourself that vicious cycle. The more you give in, the more he'll ask for.

hopeful4

Let him go, give yourself peace.

maia1234

R,
I think you have gotten 100% of the posters agreeing to walk away. Sobriety is about Growing up, Sobering Up and Working a Program. Is he talking about doing 40 meetings in 40 days as in AA. Is he reaching out for a rehab or doing any research about finding support?? No, he is being a good boy, and white knuckling it so he can say he is sober.

He is working his family and friends, as most addicts do. Please don't fall for it. I was with my addict for 34 years before I had the strength to walk away, he was/is a con artist.

If by some chance he got hit in the head by a serenity stick and found Jesus, tell him to touch base with you after a year of sobriety.

Good for you for reaching out for advice and not falling for it. Get him out of your home!!

TobeC

Does it really matter what any of us recommend? Nope. What matters is what you want. There is no magic wand to wave over this but the best advice given here is to express your feelings, wants and needs and take care of those on your own. While an alcoholic can be motivated by consequences, in the end it is he or she that needs to take accountability and address the issue. That's being an adult at its very core. He needs to place his recovery first and then over time, good stuff will come his way, including you if that's what you want.

Ladybird579

My exah wore his alcoholic status like a badge of honour and even expected special treatment from me cos he has a disease and I was just being mean not realising how sick he is. lol. I'd continue your moving plans. I doubt he seriously wants to change. He is just trying to keep things the way they were. I invested 20 years before I worked out he was never going to change and he was telling me what I wanted to hear.

Nata1980

Yep. Same experience here. And XAH was sober/dry? most of our marriage. His addiction was an excuse for all sorts of things

Rarity

Thank you all for your responses. I cannot believe how brainwashed he has me. You were all SO right. I cannot continue with him in my life.

I am sticking to my decision of getting him out of the house. When I told him that I am not backing down from my decision, he went from 0-60 in 2 seconds. Two days ago, he was calm and understanding. As soon as I said no to any possibility to of me changing my mind about our living arrangements. That my timeline still stands...He mumbled "fair enough", and stormed away into the spare room. He starts texting me from the bedroom, being all sarcastic with comments like "I'm sorry that you feel you have to abandon all that we had together" and still blames me by saying "all four of us will be worse off for your decision" (I have a son from a previous relationship, as does he). He starts acting like an obstinate man-child threatening me that "once I'm gone, I shall stay gone". Then finishes off his thought process by saying "I wish you well on the path you choose.".

I told him that I wish him well, too. I told him that I hope his recovery goes well and that it opens the door for more opportunities for him.

He replies with "my path is not my choice, I will make do." Again, blaming me for his problem.

Then he needed to remind me that he chose to sell off all of his belongings to move in with me, and now he has nothing.

I didn't respond after that. You've all opened my eyes that he has been brainwashing me with emotional abuse and likely won't enter into any program once he's out. He can't get out of here soon enough!!!!

On a side note, I noticed that there was a stack of boxes in the porch that he brought home. Fingers crossed that means he will get out of here sooner than my deadline.