What should recovery look like 2 1/2 years later?
Wifeofteoyearssober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 24
Thank you thank you all for the wise words.
Right now RAH is in the other room laughing his a** off watching you tube videos, while his family is falling apart.
He does have ADD, but he had never found a good ADHD counselor to teach him how to live with it. And he didn't want my help, so here we are.
He is emotionally at the teenage stage, and really the only thing that I've seen help teenagers mature is to be out there on their own.
He has gone thru a lot of trauma in his life, hence the continued drinking, to deaden the pain and suppress his emotions. Now he was supposed to be learning how to feel his emotions so he could work through them to heal, as that's the way to get closure.
But I guess none of his multitude of counselors have been able to help him with this, and if you don't do the work, you can't get better.
So, now I guess I'll need advice on how to get through the day to day life while doing the job search and planning my new life.
I've told him where I stand in our relationship, have set my boundaries, and I really think he thinks I'm going to plan his new life along with mine. But I when I get a job, he may have another reaching the bottom moment because he's going to have to find someone else to bail him out.
I hope his sponsor has an extra room.....
Looking forward to next year at this time. Spring is a great time for new life and starting over.
Still amazes me why some people just don't want to grow up and be happy.
Thanks again for all the good insight and kind words, it really does help you get through this....
Right now RAH is in the other room laughing his a** off watching you tube videos, while his family is falling apart.
He does have ADD, but he had never found a good ADHD counselor to teach him how to live with it. And he didn't want my help, so here we are.
He is emotionally at the teenage stage, and really the only thing that I've seen help teenagers mature is to be out there on their own.
He has gone thru a lot of trauma in his life, hence the continued drinking, to deaden the pain and suppress his emotions. Now he was supposed to be learning how to feel his emotions so he could work through them to heal, as that's the way to get closure.
But I guess none of his multitude of counselors have been able to help him with this, and if you don't do the work, you can't get better.
So, now I guess I'll need advice on how to get through the day to day life while doing the job search and planning my new life.
I've told him where I stand in our relationship, have set my boundaries, and I really think he thinks I'm going to plan his new life along with mine. But I when I get a job, he may have another reaching the bottom moment because he's going to have to find someone else to bail him out.
I hope his sponsor has an extra room.....
Looking forward to next year at this time. Spring is a great time for new life and starting over.
Still amazes me why some people just don't want to grow up and be happy.
Thanks again for all the good insight and kind words, it really does help you get through this....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yeah - I have to agree that this is not about addiction, this is about his untreated ADD/ADHD.
AA isn't equipped to handle any sort of dual diagnosis & their focus isn't about the family at all - it's about providing support to help people stay sober, one day at a time via shared experiences. They make no claims otherwise. His sponsor is not a therapist & cannot assist in any way in dealing with the underlying (yet enormous) ADHD problems - expecting it is another version of going to the hardware store for bread. They will never be able to help him manage his ADHD no matter how many meetings he attends or how many times he works the steps.
It sounds like your husband is using AA as another thing to hyperfocus on, same as he's doing with the videos, food, etc.
IMO, there is so much wrong with this statement that I don't even know where to begin. It's obvious street-crossing here, telling you how to go about your recovery, and the steps are NOT a way of understanding HIM.
This all boils down to personal accountability. AA will never be able to help him retrain his ADHD brain - my husband ran into the exact same awareness last year. It all comes down to him accepting his reality, working with meds, building new healthier habits, establishing & keeping routines. It's the farthest thing from easy, but so is living with it actively running amok over our lives.
AA isn't equipped to handle any sort of dual diagnosis & their focus isn't about the family at all - it's about providing support to help people stay sober, one day at a time via shared experiences. They make no claims otherwise. His sponsor is not a therapist & cannot assist in any way in dealing with the underlying (yet enormous) ADHD problems - expecting it is another version of going to the hardware store for bread. They will never be able to help him manage his ADHD no matter how many meetings he attends or how many times he works the steps.
It sounds like your husband is using AA as another thing to hyperfocus on, same as he's doing with the videos, food, etc.
....and he topped it all off with a request for me to get another sponsor that he had picked out so that, in his words, she could do the 12 steps with me and then I would understand him.
This all boils down to personal accountability. AA will never be able to help him retrain his ADHD brain - my husband ran into the exact same awareness last year. It all comes down to him accepting his reality, working with meds, building new healthier habits, establishing & keeping routines. It's the farthest thing from easy, but so is living with it actively running amok over our lives.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I am sorry for what you are going through and have endured already. It's a lot! ADHD is hard to live with. They often do not make good listeners or communicators. Easily distracted. Impulsive. That's hard enough on its own. Add in all the other stuff you've shared, and well, I feel for you....
What you have described here sounds like someone who might be cheating-not necessarily in the classic sense. It sounds like he is "preoccupied" with stuff and basically ignoring your needs; as if your needs do not even come into the equation. Spending more time with other people. I know that must hurt an awful lot and also leave you feeling unloved and frustrated. I am so sorry.
Now: This may sound repetitive, but you've got to focus on yourself. The reality is he may NEVER change and your relationship may never get better. So, you are left with yourself. He may leave you and in a sense he already has mentally and has sort of been like an absent partner. Checked out. Or you guys may stay together and just sort of co -exist. Either way, you are left with yourself, so it's yourself you need to focus on. You CAN be a happy, fulfilled person regardless of what anyone else in your life is doing. Focus on yourself. That is said a lot here, but it holds great value each time it's said. It is not just a common saying that's thrown out. It really is something you need to do. You can make yourself happy. You really can; with or without him.
What you have described here sounds like someone who might be cheating-not necessarily in the classic sense. It sounds like he is "preoccupied" with stuff and basically ignoring your needs; as if your needs do not even come into the equation. Spending more time with other people. I know that must hurt an awful lot and also leave you feeling unloved and frustrated. I am so sorry.
Now: This may sound repetitive, but you've got to focus on yourself. The reality is he may NEVER change and your relationship may never get better. So, you are left with yourself. He may leave you and in a sense he already has mentally and has sort of been like an absent partner. Checked out. Or you guys may stay together and just sort of co -exist. Either way, you are left with yourself, so it's yourself you need to focus on. You CAN be a happy, fulfilled person regardless of what anyone else in your life is doing. Focus on yourself. That is said a lot here, but it holds great value each time it's said. It is not just a common saying that's thrown out. It really is something you need to do. You can make yourself happy. You really can; with or without him.
Wifeofteoyearssober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Yeah - I have to agree that this is not about addiction, this is about his untreated ADD/ADHD
It all comes down to him accepting his reality, working with meds, building new healthier habits, establishing & keeping routines. It's the farthest thing from easy, but so is living with it actively running amok over our lives.
It all comes down to him accepting his reality, working with meds, building new healthier habits, establishing & keeping routines. It's the farthest thing from easy, but so is living with it actively running amok over our lives.
Amen to that. Living with untreated ADHD allows it to control one's life just like alcohol, and only our higher power should have that control.
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