Boadicea

Hello again, I posted back in December and since then things had a brief upturn and then nosedived again.

On the positive side my husband finally agreed to get some talking therapy (he refuses to go to AA) and saw a counsellor for the first time last week.

On the negative side his father died and this knocked him off the wagon and straight into a bottle of vodka. I suspected this would happen but he wasn't able to turn to me, or any one else, for support and just got straight back into that well worn rut of drinking to manage his emotions.

Things came to crisis point yesterday when he tried to stop cold turkey (again) and seemd to have a complete break from reality. It was terrifying, he was confused, his speech was impaired (he could only stutter and then yell in frustration at not being able to communicate). When he did manage to get his message across it was all very contradictory. He'd tell me he didn't want to lose me then in the next breath that he wanted to die. Then he'd ask me what was going on, that he didn't know what was happening. He cried for about 12 hours, non stop.

I phoned his GP and managed to get an emergency appointment. For now we're detoxing him at home with medication and I'm to take him back on Monday morning to talk again when he's more lucid about treating his depression and grief. The GP says he can start him on anti depressants and look at more counselling but the first priority is to get him off the alcohol.

This morning he's a bit more compos mentis and has said he doesn't want to kill himself and that there's a difference between wanting to die and wanting to commit suicide. I'm going out for a few hours today, for work, as I think it'll do me good to get away for a bit, though part of me worries he might do something stupid if I'm not there. Then again, he does plenty of stupid things when I am there and other than locking him in a rubber room in a strait jacket what can I do to keep him safe if he chooses otherwise?

I'm not sure how I feel about any of this at the moment or where I go from here. I think lack of sleep and extreme emotion has left me a bit stunned.

honeypig

Get some sleep, take care of yourself. And when you're feeling a little more together, maybe you can think about what has or hasn't changed since your post in December.

There is a saying here; it goes "Nothing changes if nothing changes." And I'm sorry to say but I don't see where anything significant has changed in the situation--he's still drinking, you're still picking up the pieces as best as you can.

The fact of him "finally agreeing" to get talk therapy is not something that sparks much hope in my heart; sounds like he's trying to do just barely enough to get you off his back. From your description, I'm not seeing anything that describes a person who is truly sick and tired of drinking and wants to do the hard work involved in getting sober (which is about so much more than simply putting down the bottle).

You joined here and read around the forums for 2 years before you finally posted. Then you posted twice in December and now again, 2 months later. It's great that you've been educating yourself over that time. It's great that you've finally decided to start posting.

It's true that everyone proceeds at his/her own pace as they become ready, but there does come a time for action, a time to put that knowledge out into the real world and actually start changing your life, not just reading about it. In the past 2 years, since you joined here, have you seen any signs that things are changing for the better? Honestly? Or is it just more and more of the same?

I'm sorry about all you've gone through, and I'd really like to hear how you think you might be able to act to change things for YOU, since it's pretty clear HE'S not interested...

Boadicea

Thank you Honeypig, you're right. It's painful but it's true, I have to stop waiting for a change that won't happen unless I make it for myself.

NYCDoglvr

I know how scary the prospect of change can be. Like alcoholics, we codependents are crippled by denial and rationalization, which kept me in a bad relationship so much longer than I should have been. Alanon has been a life-saver, helping me to keep the focus on myself while offering the support to make changes. It's so good to be with like-minded people who understand the hurdles I face. Ditto, I wouldn't get my hopes up that he's going to make changes by seeing a therapist. A big hug!

PhoenixJ

Prayers

maia1234

Good for you for reaching out for support. People can die, detoxing. There is no reason why you, who has no medical training, has to watch your husband go through this. He needed help, I am confused that you didn't just take him in to the ER, and why you needed to make an appointment. I understand that you are his wife, but there is only so much you can do.

Please reach out to alanon, keep reading all over this forum. You need to start taking care of whats best for you. Addicts can find any reason to drink if they want too. I understand his Dad died, but it could have been that his dad was ill or that his dad was going to the dr. I am sorry for being so tough, but another excuse is just that, another excuse.

Hugs my friend, take care of you and give him to God.

Boadicea

Small steps. I have set up my own separate bank account so my wages go straight into that, rather than our joint account, got some debt advice and written to creditors to agree a manageable repayment plan. All of which helps me to give me options in terms of independence and untying myself from his debts.

I've got as far as looking up my nearest al anon meeting and checking out the venue on Google maps but feel really anxious about actually going. Is that common?

AnvilheadII

it's VERY common to be nervous...heck i get nervous walking into Day One of remedial basket weaving! LOL

for some people, a little practice lap is in order. maybe drive by the facility, get the lay of the land. practice sitting in the parking lot. you can also arrive early to a meeting and observe the people as they arrive - there probably won't be many, it's not like free tickets to the SuberBowl, just some average folks, majority are women, coming together to share and support each other for an hour or so. NOTHING will be required of you.

honeypig

Another thing you may find helpful is to learn a little bit about Alanon before you go, so "the terrifying unknown" is less unknown. You can listen to some short podcasts here http://al-anon.alateen.org/what-do-a...rs-have-to-say or read a few articles from the Alanon magazine, "The Forum", here http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-forum-magazine that might help you get the lay of the land, although it's certainly not necessary--Alanon folk, in my experience, are very welcoming, kind and understanding to newcomers, no matter what their circumstances or level of understanding.

Amazon has tons of Alanon literature available used for very reasonable prices. You might want to look into one of the daily readers or one of the basic books like "How Alanon Works" or "Paths to Recovery." Most meetings seem to sell literature too, but finances are usually a little tight for me and I prefer the savings of buying used. (I also like the feeling of holding something that someone else who walked in my shoes held before me.)

Again, I want to stress that NONE of the above is mandatory. The ONLY thing you need to bring to the meeting is your body. Heart, mind, books--all will follow in time.

I also want to mention that it may take a couple of tries to find a meeting that feels really right for you. All Alanon meetings use a similar format and the same principles, but since they are made up of different individuals, they can feel very different. One meeting may be a small group of mostly older women who have elected to stay w/their A's. Another may be quite large and diverse. Some meetings are "book studies", where a given Alanon book is read from and the reading discussed each week. Some meetings have different topics each week, presented by a volunteer from the group.

But no matter which one you go to, the focus is on helping you learn, grow and heal. Due to changing jobs and schedules since I first came here, I've been to a wide selection of the meetings in my area, and I can honestly say I've never walked out of one thinking "wow, THAT was a waste of time!"

I hope you come to feel the same.

knowthetriggers

I said nothing for the first three months early in Alanon. When I finally did speak I was a babbling baby. But everyone just sat and listened - no one judged me and you know what, afterwards I felt just a teeny bit better.

Won't hurt to give a few meetings a try.

Peace,
KTT

Boadicea

Thank you all, that's very reassuring to read. I'm doing lots of pre-visit research and am already feeling less anxious about giving it a try.

The gratitude I feel for this forum is immense. Every time I feel my resolve weakening or I wonder if I am actually going insane I come here, read, read and read some more, and feel my resolve strengthen. A good example is the Quackers threads, which have helped me enormously. I may have to go post an example of my own there!

honeypig

Oh, my--I read your dog poop post in Quackers....

I just came back from my 3-hour volunteer commitment at the local Alanon office, and once again, I really do hope you go. It's an hour of your time, and Alanon really can be such a great resource.

Remember that old Nike ad?