Do they ever "come around"?
 

several of the posts on here make references to the alcoholic "coming around". i can't help but translate that into "he'll change".

do they really ever change?

it is a very nice thought, but i surely do not need to start getting my hopes up again, for the umpteenth time. i have hung on to this relationship for five years HOPING he would "come around" if i would just work on me and work my Al-Anon program. I have done that - set my boundaries, detached with love, let go a thousand times, attended meetings, etc. i have changed and i like who i am now. my mirror shows me a much nicer person than it did five years ago.

my alcoholic husband has been sober for 14 years, but in my opinion he hasn't recovered emotionally - just physically. he just simply doesn't drink any more. but he isolates and neglects me, his family and his job, and gets more self-absorbed every day.

finally, i have let go; just today i put a deposit on a place to move into. and just today i noticed some of ya'll are still hoping.

ya'll tell me the truth now -- what are the odds?

Oh, odds... I'll bet there's somebody out there with statistics to throw at you. Unfortunately, we don't live with statistics, but with the individuals who make up those statistics. If someone could tell you for sure that of 10 alchoholics, 2 would recover spontaneously, 4 would seek counseling and three of those would relapse (2 more or less permanently), 4 would go to AA or another recovery program with more or less the same results, making a total of 4 recoveries... you still wouldn't know which group your addict was going to fall into. Statistically speaking. You just have to trust your guts. After 5 years of continued difficulty, your guts seem to be saying "enough already".

Sure, some addicts "come around". The moderator of the NA page, Pernell, is living proof. You, however, are under no obligation to stick around and see how the story ends. Especially if the chapters seem repetitive.

You have to do what you have to do for yourself. Recovery happens from the inside out. You won't make or break your husband's future by staying, or by leaving. He's the only one that can change himself, and he's the only one that can find the motivation. But you have the capcity to make your own future, and the right to decide how you want to go about it.

I couldn't keep waiting for the miracle. You don't have to either.

I wish you strength, whatever you decide.

Smoke

<small>[ May 27, 2002, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: smoke gets in my eyes ]</small>

thanks, smoke. your wisdom is encouraging. i am leaving this morning (from texas) for a family funeral in arkansas and a visit with some relatives.

my higher power has been pushing me to take a break, and this trip seems like a blessing (even though i'm sorry my 81 year old aunt passed away).

when i return this weekend, my new place will be waiting. i am planning to make the 180 degree turn and focus on the future. it will feel good to tell the relatives about my new life.

this board (and others, and meetings, and my sponsor) is very important to me as i make this transition. i am so GRATEFUL for the fellowship in al-anon, and i hope my plight might help someone else.

thanks again, and god bless. My God knows what She is doing, and i'll take that thought with me on the highway this morning.

peace,
marie