Staying strong to move on - New here - Hi!

Old 01-30-2017, 04:35 PM
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Staying strong to move on - New here - Hi!

Hello everyone!

I recently discovered this site and have enjoyed reading posts. I just registered tonight.

I'm in my mid-forties. Three kids. AH who is emotionally abusive. Been through 7+ years of the cycles. AH drinks every day after work, and is now binge drinking on weekends. Progressively worsening. The emotional/verbal abuse is appalling. Just like a broken record with all the blaming, false accusations, lies, denial, silent treatment, profanity, character assassinations, zero accountability. I've been through all the codependent actions and phases. Obviously none of it has made one iota of difference. I get that now. He needs to save himself. I need to take care of me. He has a greater chance to come out of this alive if I detach from him and leave him to his own devices.

I am working the steps in Al-Anon via face-to-face meetings. Totally done with codependency. Working on me. Detached from him. The kids and I will be leaving as soon as I can get finances in place. After being a SAHM for many years, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage on that front. I've been self-employed as a private music teacher as well as operating my own handcrafted natural soap business from my farm.

Anyway...AH refuses counselling and AA. Why would he look for help when he doesn't have a problem?! I don't even recognize his personality anymore. He's an unkind, cruel, thoughtless, selfish, dishonest drunk. Married to the bottle. Tells me he doesn't love me, then turns around and says the opposite in the same conversation. Says I need to leave, then tells me to stay. Anything to hurt and confuse me. I've learned not to engage. One thing's for certain: he's not taking my kids and I down with him. I can't wait to start a new life without him. I don't wish him anything but peace and clarity. He's so miserable and dysfunctional after a childhood with a narcissistic, alcoholic mother. But he doesn't understand any of it. Refuses to even look at it. Psychology is a joke as far as he's concerned.

Anyway, I'm here to continue regaining my power from your stories and camaraderie. I find a lot of comfort in support groups. Just knowing that my life is so similar to many of you out there in the world. It makes me feel better but also saddens me that there are so many of us living this way. Knowing I'm not alone keeps me moving on and not getting mired in the nonsense. So, "hi" and I'm really glad to be here. Musiclady14
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Old 01-30-2017, 05:11 PM
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Hi, music, welcome! Sounds like you have been doing some great stuff for yourself.

One question, have you talked with a lawyer yet? If not, I'd suggest you make that a priority. He's working, and would be obligated to support his children. You might also have the right to rehabilitative alimony while you get on your feet financially. It's important for you to get good legal advice to protect your financial situation so you're in the best possible position when you're ready to leave.
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Old 01-30-2017, 05:13 PM
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You sound like one grounded, smart, determined person. Good for you and welcome!
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Old 01-30-2017, 05:29 PM
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Welcome!
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Old 01-30-2017, 05:56 PM
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Hi, musiclady14! Glad you found us. I'm so thankful for the SR community here. They've really been a stronghold in my own journey and continuous recovery. I'm sure we can be there for you in the same way.

All of us have experienced big (and usually intimidating/scary) turning points in our own stories. This sounds like one for you and your children. You are being so strong for your children, and that right there is inspirational for me. I truly pray the best for your future with them. Keep coming back!
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Old 01-30-2017, 06:09 PM
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ML,
Welcome my friend!! You sound amazing. I wish when I walked in these walls 2 1/2 years ago that I had your clarity and understanding. You have been doing a lot of work on "yourself" and it can show.

I second the attorney. Where I live, first visit is free. Take a million questions in there and take advantage of it. Are you able to sock away any money that you can put towards rent? Also, If you can, I would take copies of all important documents because once you are gone, I am sure he is going to be pretty pissed off and won't let you in the door. Please keep notes of things that he has done, and dates, as this can always help in the custody battle. Can you pack any stuff and take it to a friends, very slowly he won't miss things, especially if he is always drunk.

I see that you are attending alanon. Are your kids old enough to hit any alateen meetings ? They are really good for young adults trying to comprehend the dysfunction in our homes. I hope that you will have their support to leave.

Stick around and keep posting. Many have walked in your shoes and are thriving. Sending hugs to you and your kiddos!!
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Old 01-30-2017, 06:09 PM
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Hi Musiclady- Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here. I'm right there with you regarding emotional abuse, codependency and not recognizing your husband anymore. For better or worse, I'm the main breadwinner in our family so that presents a different set of advantages and challenges. My husband refused to leave our home even though I was the one making the payments. My son and I are back in the home now and AH is looking for an apartment. One thing I'll say is that I guess you never know how they're going to react once you finally leave. My husband changed his attitude in a number of ways, for now anyway, but I'm proceeding with a divorce. Good luck to you!
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Old 01-30-2017, 07:28 PM
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Hi Lexie. Thx for the msg. Getting legal advice this week. Well worth it to ensure everything is attended to properly.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Hi, music, welcome! Sounds like you have been doing some great stuff for yourself.

One question, have you talked with a lawyer yet? If not, I'd suggest you make that a priority. He's working, and would be obligated to support his children. You might also have the right to rehabilitative alimony while you get on your feet financially. It's important for you to get good legal advice to protect your financial situation so you're in the best possible position when you're ready to leave.
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Old 01-30-2017, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
You sound like one grounded, smart, determined person. Good for you and welcome!
Ahhh. Thx Ariesagain. I'm so glad to be here. 🤗
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Old 01-30-2017, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Welcome!
Thx, Maudcat! 😊
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Old 01-30-2017, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by hope778 View Post
Hi, musiclady14! Glad you found us. I'm so thankful for the SR community here. They've really been a stronghold in my own journey and continuous recovery. I'm sure we can be there for you in the same way.

All of us have experienced big (and usually intimidating/scary) turning points in our own stories. This sounds like one for you and your children. You are being so strong for your children, and that right there is inspirational for me. I truly pray the best for your future with them. Keep coming back!
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. 🙄
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Old 01-30-2017, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
ML,
Welcome my friend!! You sound amazing. I wish when I walked in these walls 2 1/2 years ago that I had your clarity and understanding. You have been doing a lot of work on "yourself" and it can show.

I second the attorney. Where I live, first visit is free. Take a million questions in there and take advantage of it. Are you able to sock away any money that you can put towards rent? Also, If you can, I would take copies of all important documents because once you are gone, I am sure he is going to be pretty pissed off and won't let you in the door. Please keep notes of things that he has done, and dates, as this can always help in the custody battle. Can you pack any stuff and take it to a friends, very slowly he won't miss things, especially if he is always drunk.

I see that you are attending alanon. Are your kids old enough to hit any alateen meetings ? They are really good for young adults trying to comprehend the dysfunction in our homes. I hope that you will have their support to leave.

Stick around and keep posting. Many have walked in your shoes and are thriving. Sending hugs to you and your kiddos!!
Thank You, Maia. Hugs back! I'm working away at a long to-do list but I'm making progress.
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Old 01-30-2017, 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Westexy View Post
Hi Musiclady- Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here. I'm right there with you regarding emotional abuse, codependency and not recognizing your husband anymore. For better or worse, I'm the main breadwinner in our family so that presents a different set of advantages and challenges. My husband refused to leave our home even though I was the one making the payments. My son and I are back in the home now and AH is looking for an apartment. One thing I'll say is that I guess you never know how they're going to react once you finally leave. My husband changed his attitude in a number of ways, for now anyway, but I'm proceeding with a divorce. Good luck to you!
Thanks, Westexy. Good luck to you as well. Never a dull moment...
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Old 01-31-2017, 03:14 AM
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Hi Musiclady, you've already taken many steps out of the relationship. Hope you can get the final part done and move on soon.
Do you have any fears about how your AH will react? Would you tell him in advance for instance?
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