JustAnotherDay

In the past I had a natural reflex to lose my cool and get really angry when approaching a situation that had hurt my feelings or really pissed me off. Thats how it always was growing up; yell, scream, say what we had to say and then everybody sat down and ate ice cream, woke up the next day and we all got along. (My brother and I still tend to act like this haha) NOW! I know thats probably not normal AT ALL for most people. But we got our problems out there, fought them out (loudly) and then everything was fine. We all still have a good relationship. With the exception my mother has been extremely co-dependant of men in her life (thanks mom!)

As an adult, I realized... Normal people dont do that. Who knew lol

But then when I got with my AXBF I realized that I was acting that way WAAAAAY too often. There were so many things to express and so many instances of betrayal, hurt feelings, etc. that it seemed as though I was always mad. And his inability to address the situation and fight back with me (he has a very non-confrontal argumentative style) would escalate the situation for me. I WANTED to get it out. I WANTED to fight.

So I worked on it. For years.

Now, thanks to you guys and all the things i've read about and worked on I dont do that as often. If ever. I dont want to escalate a situation with anyone. I like to back off. Take time to reflect and remove myself from the situation and cool off.

But the new boyfriend and I got into a disagreement (nothing major) this weekend and since i was frustrated with it, I stepped back. I went and cuddled with my dogs, watched some tv and did some things around the house. He however hates this. Obviously this is my way of dealing with the situation but he expects me to still want to be affectionate and all lovey dovey even there is a disagreement and thats just not how I deal with being hurt, disappointment, etc. He acts like Im neglecting him or something because Im angry. And will make remarks like...
"Oh so your mad so you are going to ignore me now?"
"Here we go, do you have to act like I dont exist?"

I need some help here because as far as Im seeing, its not BAD that I resend some right???? I mean, I could blow up or start an all out fight. I think he's being controlling by trying to dictate how I act and treating me poorly by insinuating that I should act differently when dealing with my emotions. But in all fairness, do you guys deal in better ways than I am? What could I continue to improve (that always be a yes!)?

I dont really know what or how to explain this feeling, I just feel as though I need guidence. Maybe a way to put up a boundary, a line in the sand. I WILL feel this way and I have a right to feel this way.

atalose

I know when I ignore people it is because they are not really important or worth my time.

Learning healthy ways to express our hurt or disappointment brings better results.

Use I statements……….

I feel hurt that you _________________

I don’t feel you respect me when you_______________

Etc.

SparkleKitty

Hm. I feel like there's a balance to be struck between yelling and screaming and shutting down completely.

It feels to me, in principle, that the way your family dealt with feelings was relatively healthy since no one stuffed anything, everyone felt heard, and resentments were not allowed to fester. I mean, INTENSE screaming and yelling doesn't feel as healthy, but as far as emotional management goes, it's not so bad!

dandylion

Here is what I have learned to do when emotions get too tense with an intimate partner......Announce that I am going to take a time out..."I'm too upset, right now...I am going to cool off...and I will be back later when I've got my thoughts together".
Then, I go off to myself until I can get a better handle on what I want to say or discuss...
That feels more like a win-win for both parties.....and, the other person doesn't think they are being ignored...they know that it is about you.....

JustAnotherDay

Oh no! Im sorry to have not expressed this in my first rambling post. I DO express myself. Very calmly. I say things like this makes me feel like, I dont like it when x, y, z. I try to avoid the words ALWAYS and NEVER or you did this, you make me, etc.

I dont just run away but I like to have space once there has been a disagreement/fight/argument. I dont like to stew in it.

FireSprite

RAH & I have both learned to do this in recovery - it is super valuable IMO because it stops the other person from feeling "walked away from".... or taking it personally.

I actually really LIKE when RAH does this - his old style or arguing meant just digging in & saying any & every little thing without filtering it in any way. It often added a lot of fuel to the fire & distracted us from the real issues.

Expanding

I'm not sure... I don't think there's anything wrong with needing space after an argument but I identify as codependent so I'm not sure I can really say. If the X and I had an argument I would just need about 15 minutes to cool off but he would tend to follow me around and not give me my space which just irritated me more and prolonged the fight. I told him too that I just needed some time to cool off because I did so very quickly. If you tell him that's what you need and why you're upset I don't see what's "wrong" with that. I did so as a safeguard against saying something I didn't mean in the heat of the moment. I didn't want to hurt him

JustAnotherDay

My AXBF did the same thing!!! He wouldnt want to discuss anything when I wanted but when he wanted to he would follow me around blurting out whatever would pop into his head. (Of course this was as I was learning to deal with my temper/conflict resolution skills) What a test!

JustAnotherDay

But I feel like I expressed that, but maybe not as blatantly. I just dont like how its being turned around into that Im the bad person here because I needed space and am "ignoring" him. That doesnt seem fair and I dont see how to MAKE another person realize that. (Cause ya know, we cant make anybody DO anything). But it just makes a small minor disagreement last even longer because its unnecessary.

NYCDoglvr

What works for me is asking "what's MY part in this?" Am I being self-centered, intolerant or blowing things out of proportion? Or, perhaps I shouldn't be with this person. Letting go of expectations also helps. It's a process....

dandylion

Justanotherday....I'm sorry---I didn't get the gesta
lt of the situation.....
So, I went back and reread a couple of times......

It looks like, maybe, HE doesn't respect your need to have a "regrouping" period. If he hovers that closely..when you have asked him to give you a little space....maybe,,,,just maybe, he has a touch of the co-dependency in him, also....
It isn't only just one person in a relationship that has some degree of co-dependency.....

If there is any chance that I might be right about this...maybe you need to enforce your boundary, on this, a bit more strenuously.....

HoldOnLoosely

Do you let him know when you'll be back to continue the conversation? Some kind of timeframe (30 minutes, 3 hours or whatever)?

My husband stonewalls and shuts down (he has an avoidant attachment)...and I don't know when he plans to come back and finish the discussion. I'm not saying you stonewall. Anyway, I wish my husband would say - "let's come back to the conversation in say 30 minutes or whatever...I need time to calm down". Give me some timeframe. I know I would appreciate it.

Maybe your boyfriend experienced stonewalling in a past relationship and he's more sensitive when others walk away? He takes it personally or fear of abandonment surfaces?

AnvilheadII

it sounds like a pretty typical spat, to be honest.

just as you defend your right to your reaction.......he has the same right. and if he chose to take offense for a bit, isn't that ok?

"Oh so your mad so you are going to ignore me now?"

one response could be - ya know, i am a bit upset right now, but i don't want to take it out on you. i just need a few minutes to sort things out.

JustAnotherDay

I think you're right Dandy. It just seems weird to me that someone would still expect me to act as if nothing is wrong. I feel like he is pushing me to feel/do certain things, and I dont appreciate it so its left me feeling weird.

SparkleKitty

JAD is this the same boyfriend that would not leave you alone after you told him you were reevaluating the relationship?

LexieCat

Bingo. Just another example of not respecting your feelings.