Am I Justified or Overreacting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 6
Am I Justified or Overreacting?
Hi all,
I met my partner (now ex-partner as of 4 days ago) almost 11 months ago. It was love at first sight. We had an instant connection and decided to make a life together. When we first met, there was no indication that he abused alcohol. We did enjoy the odd evening with a few glasses of wine, but nothing excessive.
He came to live with me last May. One evening at a family gathering was where I witnessed him drink to excess. He drank about 3 beer and nearly an entire 26oz bottle of whisky. He was acting ridiculous and embarrassing (pulling his pants down in front of children) and it took a lot of energy to drag him home to bed.
Another occasion was later that summer, I had come from work for my lunch break. As I came in the door I saw him run from the kitchen to the bathroom. In the kitchen among spills was an empty 26oz bottle of whisky that wasn't in our place the day before. That meant he sat and drank that whole bottle by himself, alone, in a matter of a few hours. He tried to act normal, but I could tell he was only trying to hide the fact he was drunk.
It was by chance that I found his hiding spot for his empties. Hidden behind a blanket in the porch. I didn't tell him I found it, and would monitor the empties week in, and week out. There'd be 13oz bottles one week, a 26oz the next. And he'd never drink while I was around. He'd always wait until I had gone to bed and he'd drink himself until he passed out.
Fast forward to five days ago. He had just announced that he was going out to pick up a cheesecake for us to enjoy after dinner. He did, and we enjoyed it. I went to bed, and could hear him up leave the house and return. Knowing in my mind, he had stopped at the liquor store on the way home from picking up a cheesecake and left the bottle in the car until after I had gone to bed and retrieved it. Then next morning, I checked his hiding spot, and sure enough, there was an empty 26oz bottle.
I went to work that day with such rage. I've been working a full-time job while he can barely hold down a part-time minimum wage job and I've been supporting him financially. He is constantly ill - stomach aches and other gastrointestinal problems. He blamed it on his depression and anxiety.
So, I resolved to confront him later that evening. And I left him. I am staying with my mom now for a couple weeks. I've given him two weeks to make arrangements to have him and his belongs moved out.
He has been texting me constantly. He will not admit he has a problem with alcohol. He goes from being angry with me one minute and the next apologizing for his behaviour. Not once will he readily admit to his problem. He calls me cruel, cold-hearted. He says I've rendered him homeless and that our life was a lie. He made some references to not being able to go on with life and it scared me to the point that I ended up calling the police to check on him. Last night I had to have a police escort back to our home to retrieve a few things, after I learned from a text from him that he was admitted to the hospital for shock. I didn't know if it was a ploy just to have me return back to the house, so I thought I'd play it safe. The police were good about it, and told me I did the right thing.
He is still texting me, and I can't help but feel so many conflicting feelings. One minute I think I'm justified, the next I feel that maybe I'm overreacting and should go help him. His texts are so pathetic and saddening.
Does anyone else have a similar story? Am I making the right choice? I really don't want to live this way, being taken advantage of. I also don't like the thought of someone thinking I'm a cruel person, because I'm not.
Anyway, maybe someone out there has shared in something similar and looking back can honestly say it was the right choice no matter how much it tore you apart to watch them fall apart.
Thanks for reading.
I met my partner (now ex-partner as of 4 days ago) almost 11 months ago. It was love at first sight. We had an instant connection and decided to make a life together. When we first met, there was no indication that he abused alcohol. We did enjoy the odd evening with a few glasses of wine, but nothing excessive.
He came to live with me last May. One evening at a family gathering was where I witnessed him drink to excess. He drank about 3 beer and nearly an entire 26oz bottle of whisky. He was acting ridiculous and embarrassing (pulling his pants down in front of children) and it took a lot of energy to drag him home to bed.
Another occasion was later that summer, I had come from work for my lunch break. As I came in the door I saw him run from the kitchen to the bathroom. In the kitchen among spills was an empty 26oz bottle of whisky that wasn't in our place the day before. That meant he sat and drank that whole bottle by himself, alone, in a matter of a few hours. He tried to act normal, but I could tell he was only trying to hide the fact he was drunk.
It was by chance that I found his hiding spot for his empties. Hidden behind a blanket in the porch. I didn't tell him I found it, and would monitor the empties week in, and week out. There'd be 13oz bottles one week, a 26oz the next. And he'd never drink while I was around. He'd always wait until I had gone to bed and he'd drink himself until he passed out.
Fast forward to five days ago. He had just announced that he was going out to pick up a cheesecake for us to enjoy after dinner. He did, and we enjoyed it. I went to bed, and could hear him up leave the house and return. Knowing in my mind, he had stopped at the liquor store on the way home from picking up a cheesecake and left the bottle in the car until after I had gone to bed and retrieved it. Then next morning, I checked his hiding spot, and sure enough, there was an empty 26oz bottle.
I went to work that day with such rage. I've been working a full-time job while he can barely hold down a part-time minimum wage job and I've been supporting him financially. He is constantly ill - stomach aches and other gastrointestinal problems. He blamed it on his depression and anxiety.
So, I resolved to confront him later that evening. And I left him. I am staying with my mom now for a couple weeks. I've given him two weeks to make arrangements to have him and his belongs moved out.
He has been texting me constantly. He will not admit he has a problem with alcohol. He goes from being angry with me one minute and the next apologizing for his behaviour. Not once will he readily admit to his problem. He calls me cruel, cold-hearted. He says I've rendered him homeless and that our life was a lie. He made some references to not being able to go on with life and it scared me to the point that I ended up calling the police to check on him. Last night I had to have a police escort back to our home to retrieve a few things, after I learned from a text from him that he was admitted to the hospital for shock. I didn't know if it was a ploy just to have me return back to the house, so I thought I'd play it safe. The police were good about it, and told me I did the right thing.
He is still texting me, and I can't help but feel so many conflicting feelings. One minute I think I'm justified, the next I feel that maybe I'm overreacting and should go help him. His texts are so pathetic and saddening.
Does anyone else have a similar story? Am I making the right choice? I really don't want to live this way, being taken advantage of. I also don't like the thought of someone thinking I'm a cruel person, because I'm not.
Anyway, maybe someone out there has shared in something similar and looking back can honestly say it was the right choice no matter how much it tore you apart to watch them fall apart.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is enough that you do not want to live this way. I certainly don't blame you as it sounds unbalanced and unpredictable and miserable.
He has a very comfortable arrangement in you, and he is texting you everything he can think of to manipulate you into maintaining it.
Nothing will change if you give in and return, except that it will get worse.
Protecting yourself, your property, and your serenity are is neither cold-hearted nor cruel. You've come to the right place. Keep reading and posting.
He has a very comfortable arrangement in you, and he is texting you everything he can think of to manipulate you into maintaining it.
Nothing will change if you give in and return, except that it will get worse.
Protecting yourself, your property, and your serenity are is neither cold-hearted nor cruel. You've come to the right place. Keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, if you read around the Friends and Family of Alcohlics forum, you will read many stories Just. Like. Yours.
Your SO has a problem with alcohol, something you probably know in your heart and gut.
He is saying the things that ALL alcohol dependent people say when confronted: you are cruel and heartless. You are rendering him homeless. You don't understand. You don't care. He will moderate. He will stop.
Fact is, you are in the midst of dodging a very large bullet here. There are no children, just you. You have family support. Many people don't
Get him out of your place and go on with your life. He is not going to change., not now anyway. He will say whatever he thinks you want to hear so that he can stay in his cozy little drinking nest.
Good luck.
Your SO has a problem with alcohol, something you probably know in your heart and gut.
He is saying the things that ALL alcohol dependent people say when confronted: you are cruel and heartless. You are rendering him homeless. You don't understand. You don't care. He will moderate. He will stop.
Fact is, you are in the midst of dodging a very large bullet here. There are no children, just you. You have family support. Many people don't
Get him out of your place and go on with your life. He is not going to change., not now anyway. He will say whatever he thinks you want to hear so that he can stay in his cozy little drinking nest.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He has a problem with alcohol. It's affecting his health, his relationship with you, and his finances, at a minimum.
It's amazing how often on this thread it comes up that it was a short courtship with an "instant connection." Points to you for not saying "soul mate" or "meant to be."
I'm not really making light of it, because it's so very painful, but if you stay around and read other threads you will see you have lots of company. You did the right thing in getting fed up with it and trying to get on with your life...until he can see that he has a problem his road leads nowhere but down. No sense in going with him.
Going no contact can be the fastest way to closure. Block his calls and texts, change the locks and return his mail.
No good can come from his addiction until he sincerely chooses a different path and that doesn't sound likely.
It's amazing how often on this thread it comes up that it was a short courtship with an "instant connection." Points to you for not saying "soul mate" or "meant to be."
I'm not really making light of it, because it's so very painful, but if you stay around and read other threads you will see you have lots of company. You did the right thing in getting fed up with it and trying to get on with your life...until he can see that he has a problem his road leads nowhere but down. No sense in going with him.
Going no contact can be the fastest way to closure. Block his calls and texts, change the locks and return his mail.
No good can come from his addiction until he sincerely chooses a different path and that doesn't sound likely.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You are NOT overreacting. And good for you for bringing the police with you when you went back to get your things. I'm a retired prosecutor who has handled DV cases for many years and I remember a particularly horrific case where the abuser did exactly what you feared--tricked the victim into coming home to pick something up for him (he claimed to be in jail), but he was waiting for her with a loaded shotgun and a bathtub full of water with a plugged-in radio on the sink next to the tub. Plan A, and Plan B. (Neighbor heard her screams and called the police.)
Anyway, glad you are safe. There is nothing good that can come of this relationship as long as he is drinking. I hope you are able to get him out. It might not be a bad idea to consult a lawyer now about your options in the event he doesn't move out as you've asked. Depending on the law where you live, you might have to go through formal eviction proceedings.
Anyway, glad you are safe. There is nothing good that can come of this relationship as long as he is drinking. I hope you are able to get him out. It might not be a bad idea to consult a lawyer now about your options in the event he doesn't move out as you've asked. Depending on the law where you live, you might have to go through formal eviction proceedings.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I took back my husband because I thought maybe I over reacted. I should never have doubted myself. I wanted things to be better but wanting them to be better does not make it better. When you doubt yourself you minimize the truth. Have courage to stay the course without him.
The truth is what you need to stay focused on. He is blaming you for his actions.
The truth is what you need to stay focused on. He is blaming you for his actions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
No you are not a cruel person. Addiction is a seductive lover and is all that matters. Anything to get that next drink. Be it lying, cheating, stealing. Manipulating feelings- I think it is referred to as 'gas lighting'. You are wise being careful. You cannot save him from himself. Only he can do that. I know. I was a very drastic version.
Prayers to you, your family and him. PJ
Prayers to you, your family and him. PJ
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Welcome Rarity. So glad you found us and posted.
Yep, everything everyone is saying is absolutely true.
And more will probably chime in who have either been in your position or in the position of your XABF (Ex alcoholic boyfriend).
I felt like you did when I left my addict boyfriend. A decade later I saw him again. He had been sober for some 4 years and he told me I had done exactly the right thing. Of course, he wasn't happy with me leaving at the time.
Yep, everything everyone is saying is absolutely true.
And more will probably chime in who have either been in your position or in the position of your XABF (Ex alcoholic boyfriend).
I felt like you did when I left my addict boyfriend. A decade later I saw him again. He had been sober for some 4 years and he told me I had done exactly the right thing. Of course, he wasn't happy with me leaving at the time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Cleveland OH
Posts: 49
Stay Strong Rarity. It is a progressive disease. It only gets worse. If you have been dating 11 months and he moved in in May. That means he moved in 2 months after you met? Why was he in a rush to move in? Why doesnt he have full time emloyment? It is a progressive disease it gets worse. Do not be with him for years saying if only I had stayed strong the first time I tried to end this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
He says I've rendered him homeless and that our life was a lie.
2. Seems like he was the one lying all the time about how much he drank or by hiding his drinking, which is the same thing as lying.
You are doing the right thing. You were smart to call the police for help. You are saving yourself from a life of getting taken advantage of and lied to. Not trying to sound cold but you can't save him. He has to want sobriety enough to save himself. When/if he wants it that much there is plenty of help out there.
Stay strong.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, Rarity, and glad you found us here at SR. I hope you can take some time to read around the forums. As others have said, you'll find many stories that echo your situation. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a lot of education and inspiration to be had there, and learning as much as you can about alcoholism is going to be important for you, going forward.
He is showing you very clearly who he is. Don't make excuses for him or minimize what is happening. You've been together less than a year, and if he feels this degree of entitlement in the relationship now, what do you think it might come to be in time? And as others have said, alcoholism is progressive--this is the BEST it will ever be. IF, big IF, he decides to get help (which I see no sign of, from your post), it's something he needs to do on his own.
Take his accusations w/a shaker full of salt. He is simply not a contributing, healthy adult who can be part of a relationship. He wants a caretaker and is angry that you're opting out of that role.
Again, reading as much as you can here will almost certainly be helpful for you. Please feel free to post in other threads--it seems that those who read and reply around the board are the ones who get the most out of their membership in SR. You could also consider Alanon for some face-to-face support; they can be a very helpful resource for education, too.
Wishing you strength and clarity, Rarity! Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
He is showing you very clearly who he is. Don't make excuses for him or minimize what is happening. You've been together less than a year, and if he feels this degree of entitlement in the relationship now, what do you think it might come to be in time? And as others have said, alcoholism is progressive--this is the BEST it will ever be. IF, big IF, he decides to get help (which I see no sign of, from your post), it's something he needs to do on his own.
Take his accusations w/a shaker full of salt. He is simply not a contributing, healthy adult who can be part of a relationship. He wants a caretaker and is angry that you're opting out of that role.
Again, reading as much as you can here will almost certainly be helpful for you. Please feel free to post in other threads--it seems that those who read and reply around the board are the ones who get the most out of their membership in SR. You could also consider Alanon for some face-to-face support; they can be a very helpful resource for education, too.
Wishing you strength and clarity, Rarity! Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
You're doing the right thing.
Of course he's confused: his behavior has been accepted up until now. Stay strong. His behavior is outrageous.
My late husband's journey was more gradual, but there is no earthly reason to live like this. You can't change someone else: you can't love someone enough. No amount of monitoring, hoping, encouraging, mentoring, will cure your beloved. He doesn't even think he has a problem.
Of course he's confused: his behavior has been accepted up until now. Stay strong. His behavior is outrageous.
My late husband's journey was more gradual, but there is no earthly reason to live like this. You can't change someone else: you can't love someone enough. No amount of monitoring, hoping, encouraging, mentoring, will cure your beloved. He doesn't even think he has a problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 30
You are being lied to, disrespected, emotionally abused and manipulated. Removing yourself from that is not cruel. Well, he says it is, but it's the most loving thing you can do for YOURSELF. He is acting cruelly and projecting that onto you since he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his behavior. YOU have been dealing with the consequences. You are working and supporting him while he drinks and contributes little besides misery. Please don't second guess yourself. You are doing the right thing. Saving yourself from harm is not overreacting.
I saw many of the same signs in my STBXAH and like you, I took his projection to heart and thought I was the mean one. 15 years later, with the help of al-anon, therapy, and all the good people here, I finally broke away from the pain and crazy making. I wish I would have been stronger in the beginning, like you, and avoided all the pain, financial misery, and abuse. Trust me, it gets worse. Saving yourself from that is completely justified. Please have faith in your gut instincts. He's a grown ass man and can take care of himself. Don't worry about him and don't buy into his manipulation tactics. Worry about you and what is best for you. I really recommend you find al-anon meetings in your area. They were my first step in healing myself. You are not responsible for saving him, but you can save yourself.
Good luck and stay strong.
I saw many of the same signs in my STBXAH and like you, I took his projection to heart and thought I was the mean one. 15 years later, with the help of al-anon, therapy, and all the good people here, I finally broke away from the pain and crazy making. I wish I would have been stronger in the beginning, like you, and avoided all the pain, financial misery, and abuse. Trust me, it gets worse. Saving yourself from that is completely justified. Please have faith in your gut instincts. He's a grown ass man and can take care of himself. Don't worry about him and don't buy into his manipulation tactics. Worry about you and what is best for you. I really recommend you find al-anon meetings in your area. They were my first step in healing myself. You are not responsible for saving him, but you can save yourself.
Good luck and stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 6
Thank you everyone for your responses. It is relieving to hear that I've made the right choice.
I am embarrassed to have let it go on as long as I did. I seen the red flags, but was blinded by my love for him. My mom is angry with me for the money I spent to cover for him. I honestly thought things were going to get better. I know now, that they won't.
I'm going to hold firm in my decision and refuse to be manipulated by him. If he's not out of the house by the deadline I've given him, I will seek other avenues to have him removed.
I will also consider going to Al-Anon meetings to help with my own healing.
Again, a heartfelt thanks for the support and encouragement to this community. I am so glad I found you!
I am embarrassed to have let it go on as long as I did. I seen the red flags, but was blinded by my love for him. My mom is angry with me for the money I spent to cover for him. I honestly thought things were going to get better. I know now, that they won't.
I'm going to hold firm in my decision and refuse to be manipulated by him. If he's not out of the house by the deadline I've given him, I will seek other avenues to have him removed.
I will also consider going to Al-Anon meetings to help with my own healing.
Again, a heartfelt thanks for the support and encouragement to this community. I am so glad I found you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep in mind, 11 short months ago you thought he was the Best Thing Ever. assuming you didn't take him off a park bench with his sleeping bag under his arm, he appeared to be able to manage in life just fine.
of course he doesn't want things to change now....you have been supporting him! he'll say anything to get you to NOT proceed with sending him on his way.
stick to your guns. but be safe. addicts don't take the word NO very well. i'm glad you made your decision with such clarity and swiftness. his problems were there before you came along and will continue after he's out of your life. HIS problems.
of course he doesn't want things to change now....you have been supporting him! he'll say anything to get you to NOT proceed with sending him on his way.
stick to your guns. but be safe. addicts don't take the word NO very well. i'm glad you made your decision with such clarity and swiftness. his problems were there before you came along and will continue after he's out of your life. HIS problems.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I had a few nice girlfriends leave me when I was running a muck. They did the right thing for I was headed down. Be smart, don't stick around on the sad slid down. You will not be able to prevent the crash. Don't be a added victim.
M-Bob
M-Bob
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