not again...so disgusted

Old 01-25-2017, 02:19 PM
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Angry not again...so disgusted

Hello,
So my AH has started drinking again. He was a functioning alcoholic for years and years and all of a sudden the bottom dropped out and he became VERY non-functioning. After months of hell, he finally went to out patient detox and started on antabuse. He seemed great and said he was so happy to have finally stopped and had zero interest in drinking. That was last April, and he started drinking again for a couple of weeks in September. He felt and looked like crap, and it went right back into hell. Then he got his act together and stopped again. He refused to go to counseling, he doesn't "NEED" it.
And about a week ago, he's back at it. He said (he was drunk at the time) that he's decided that now and then he needs to have a drink and it's no big deal, but I make it a problem because I get mad. That's why he acts like Satan. Why can't I just let him drink now and then, he wants to know? Yeah...ok.
So here's the part where I need help: In the past I have yelled, and stomped and slammed in anger. I have even slapped him. I make snarky and mean comments and try to reason (duh) with him. Of course, none of it has done squat, except to make me feel worse. I just don't know what I SHOULD do. Ignore him? Pretend I don't notice that he's drunk? I don't plan to cook dinner (at least not with him in mind), or do anything nice for him while he's drinking. I don't even want to watch tv with him or anything. If anyone has a few ideas on what I can do in the meantime, to help ME and help me control my rage, I would be happy to hear them. I know I should check out al-anon, there is a meeting tomorrow that I'm going to check out. But other than that, how do I get by until I can either leave, or until the situation changes somehow? I should add that we have a six year old who doesn't seem to know that anything is going on, and thinks Daddy hung the moon. Thanks for reading. :-)
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Old 01-25-2017, 02:29 PM
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((HUGS)) Maude. I would not count on your six-year-old not knowing that anything is going on. My DS was 5 when I left STBXAH, and once I was out it became painfully obvious that even though DS thinks the sun shines straight out of STBXAH's rear end, he was and is ALSO very aware of STBXAH's bad behavior. Bottom line: kids know way more than we think they do, and this situation is certainly impacting your child in a very negative way.

I would not create an action plan based on "the situation changing somehow." If it were me, I would begin instituting a plan NOW based on the assumption that things will never be any better than they are at this very moment, and that they will get worse.

Yes, go to Al Anon. See a counselor or therapist, too, if at all possible. The hardest thing is making the initial changes. I literally had to force myself, and fight against every unhealthy co-dependent urge I had to just ignore him. Once I had some practice, though, it became much easier. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you engage, scream, yell, slap, reason with him, it will NOT help and it will only feed the cycle that robs you of your own happiness and serenity.

As for why you can't just "let" him drink...well, you can't NOT "let" him drink. He will do whatever he wants, and he will find a way to blame you if the outcome isn't what he thinks he wants it to be. He obviously is not even remotely interested in real sobriety, so the time has come for you to put yourself and your child first, and to leave your AH to his own devices. Even if you're not able or ready to separate physically yet, you can definitely do the (admittedly VERY DIFFICULT) work of changing your own behavior patterns and learning how to put yourself first.

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Old 01-25-2017, 02:51 PM
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Alanon will be a great place to start, but ultimately he's not going to stop drinking unless he wants to, and there is little you can do to change that. Really the best thing you can do is get yourself out of the situation not just for yourself, but so your child can be in a positive environment. Alcoholism is progressive that gets nothing but worse over time.
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Old 01-25-2017, 03:21 PM
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I just don't know what I SHOULD do. Ignore him? Pretend I don't notice that he's drunk? I don't plan to cook dinner (at least not with him in mind), or do anything nice for him while he's drinking. I don't even want to watch tv with him or anything. If anyone has a few ideas on what I can do in the meantime, to help ME and help me control my rage, I would be happy to hear them. I know I should check out al-anon, there is a meeting tomorrow that I'm going to check out. But other than that, how do I get by until I can either leave, or until the situation changes somehow?
You have some really good action items / ideas in here - the start to really, really good boundaries for yourself.

You don't want to hang out with drunken hubs, and you don't have to. This is a really really good time to feed your hobbies, start a new fun thing with your kiddo outside the house, or in a another room, sleep in a different room for some peace, start reconnecting with old friends and family, start a new book, etc.

Search this site for threads on detachment. It saved my sanity. Turning ALL of your focus to you will help remove your husbands drinking from your happiness level. We don't obsess, spiral, and live in anger when a distant friend is driving their lives into the ground. Focusing on you making your own life happy without expectations or criticism of him. Detachment isn't a forever solution, but I promise....you aren't going to talk, guilt or reason him into sobriety. Trying only hurts you.

Getting to that meeting...super smart. You cannot have enough support right now - and I second Wisconsin'c comment that counseling is a game changer.

Hang in there - this must feel really defeating. We're here, we've been there, keep posting!! and (((HUGS)))
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Old 01-25-2017, 03:31 PM
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Maude - I would suggest working on detaching. What I mean by this is continue on with your days/evenings doing what you need and want to do. As opposed to wondering if or expecting that he'll be around sober or not. (I.e. Get home from work, cook you and your child a yummy dinner, take a bubble bath, watch a movie, go out for icecream with your child, etc). Continue to enjoy your moments whether he's present sober or not.

Don't become enmeshed with lecturing him, arguing, giving mean comments, etc. Over a little period of time you'll realize how peaceful detachment can be. You'll become more clear headed to be able to make more sound and important decisions about yours and your child's future. You already know you can't control his future.

I wish you the best!

Last edited by hope778; 01-25-2017 at 03:33 PM. Reason: Typo
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Old 01-25-2017, 04:40 PM
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Please read the book, " Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie.

It's a life changer. It taught me how to react to my XAH's drinking ... by not reacting to it. And a whole lot of other things that gave me the strength to find my way out of the chaos my life had become.

And keep coming to SR... also a sanity saver!
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Old 01-25-2017, 04:50 PM
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Thank you everyone. I feel a little better, although I'd like to punch him in the face, honestly. So I'm still pissed off and resentful.
Wisconsin, You are probably right that my daughter notices things. But she seems happy and unaffected for now.
I don't believe in making threats, and I can't leave at present anyway, but in the past I told him that if things continued the way they were, I would be leaving at some point. He begged me not to, and I told him it's not a threat, it's just a natural consequence of his drinking. As I said, I cannot leave right now, but I will NOT raise my child in an alcoholic home.
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Old 01-25-2017, 04:58 PM
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maude.....if you don't mind saying---what are the reasons that you can't leave now?
underneath the emotion of anger (even justifiable anger), is almost always fear.....
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Old 01-25-2017, 07:12 PM
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maude, you seem to have your act together right now. I suggest you set up a points plan in terms of money, accomodation, support etc. You don't have to set it going unless you're ready, but it will help with the powerlessness.
Build your life around things other that AH (I know that's sad) so you have some structure in place if he keeps drinking.
I suppose it wouldn't do any harm to remind him about the consequences if he stays on his current course.
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Old 01-25-2017, 08:15 PM
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Maude,
Welcome. I'm confused... you said you will not raise your child in an alcoholic home. Hon, what have you been doing her whole life??
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Old 01-25-2017, 08:21 PM
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Prayers to you, your son and partner. Addiction sucks. No wise words- others have better ones than me. (:-)>
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Old 01-25-2017, 08:36 PM
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I can't leave at present anyway,

if the house caught on fire.....what would you grab before you ran?
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Old 01-25-2017, 10:19 PM
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Old 01-25-2017, 10:41 PM
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Maude, I am so sorry that the merry go round has started up for you, again. Al anon has been helpful to me but to be honest it is because I am working at it going to several meetings a week. It is worth the effort. I know it is hard with a child but in addition to physical meetings there are phone in meetings virtually all the time. Google "al anon phone meeting" there are different numbers for different hours of the day.
My gem from last nights meeting is that being angry is like injesting poison and hoping your AH gets sick. Your anger is not a match for his addiction. Feeling powerless feeds your anger but if you can manage to detach you will be doing yourself a favor. His guilt, his seeing you be happy without him, being able to do things that drunk people cant do, those are the things that might beat his addiction. It has to come from him.
Go out with family and friends leave him home with his bottle(s). It is the best thing for you and your DS and that is all you can control. You can't change him, he can change him, let him.
Good luck and read through the posts here.
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Old 01-25-2017, 10:47 PM
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Get out now to save your son's life and your own.
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Old 01-26-2017, 06:21 AM
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In 25 years of going to AA meetings I never heard an alcoholic say they stopped drinking because someone wanted them to. You can be angry, hurt, withholding or nice, it won't affect him one bit. I suggest Alanon.
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Old 01-26-2017, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin View Post
((HUGS)) Maude. I would not count on your six-year-old not knowing that anything is going on. My DS was 5 when I left STBXAH, and once I was out it became painfully obvious that even though DS thinks the sun shines straight out of STBXAH's rear end, he was and is ALSO very aware of STBXAH's bad behavior. Bottom line: kids know way more than we think they do, and this situation is certainly impacting your child in a very negative way.

I would not create an action plan based on "the situation changing somehow." If it were me, I would begin instituting a plan NOW based on the assumption that things will never be any better than they are at this very moment, and that they will get worse.

Yes, go to Al Anon. See a counselor or therapist, too, if at all possible. The hardest thing is making the initial changes. I literally had to force myself, and fight against every unhealthy co-dependent urge I had to just ignore him. Once I had some practice, though, it became much easier. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you engage, scream, yell, slap, reason with him, it will NOT help and it will only feed the cycle that robs you of your own happiness and serenity.

As for why you can't just "let" him drink...well, you can't NOT "let" him drink. He will do whatever he wants, and he will find a way to blame you if the outcome isn't what he thinks he wants it to be. He obviously is not even remotely interested in real sobriety, so the time has come for you to put yourself and your child first, and to leave your AH to his own devices. Even if you're not able or ready to separate physically yet, you can definitely do the (admittedly VERY DIFFICULT) work of changing your own behavior patterns and learning how to put yourself first.

Been there friend. Might I suggest that in the "meantime" you start a plan. Put your money away and just avoid conflict/confrontation. When the time is right you take off with your kid. If that sounds cruel towards him I'm sorry but you could be writing the same post five years from now or you could be telling the story of how you made it out and love life again.

Sincere wishes for your best possible future.
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Old 01-26-2017, 06:42 AM
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Maude, these are hard to call.
I'm recovered but, was the neighborhood drunk.
Starters -- what my wife did -- set up some counseling sessions with you two.
My wife used a local church .
If that don't work for you then possibly contact your insurance provider.
Is their a relative or friend that your son and you can stay with time to time.
Although hard on you and your son
this sends a message that the boat is sinking.
Is his family close by?
Staying with them for a couple of days
will possibly help to bring light to the matter.

Should wake up (some) grow men to get a call from their mommy or daddy.
My mom and dad told me, "you had better not lose that saintly girl."

Just ideas -- we know these are hard times for you.
In our prayers,
M-Bob
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Old 01-26-2017, 07:13 AM
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but I will NOT raise my child in an alcoholic home.
You already are!!

Al-anon - focus on you

and

detaching from his alcoholic behaviors.
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Old 01-26-2017, 09:33 AM
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Maude....I am so sorry.

Yes, go to Alanon, and or Celebrate Recovery. Get face to face support. I also recommend counseling for yourself. Alone.

I found myself just where you are now. Full of rage, hating to be in my own home. Angry! Through the fine folks here at CR, Celebrate Recovery, and counseling, I was able to get myself the help I needed to go forward, help control some of those emotions, and to realize that no matter what happened in the future my kids and I would be ok. I just had to get myself to be strong enough of a person to go through all of that.

Hugs to you.
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