3 weeks on...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This-- this right here. Please do this...
I could not have said this better myself:
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Cheating and alcoholism are two separate things Hummer.
If you sober up a horse thief, you get a sober horse thief.
I find his years of lying to you as much or more a deal breaker than the drinking.
Lexie is right, he knows exactly how to "work" you and it doing quite effectively.
Lying, infidelity (repeated), and manipulation just don't sound like something
to grow old with.
At the very least, as Lexie suggests, tell him you want a No Contact period
so you can hear yourself instead of listening to him.
If you sober up a horse thief, you get a sober horse thief.
I find his years of lying to you as much or more a deal breaker than the drinking.
Lexie is right, he knows exactly how to "work" you and it doing quite effectively.
Lying, infidelity (repeated), and manipulation just don't sound like something
to grow old with.
At the very least, as Lexie suggests, tell him you want a No Contact period
so you can hear yourself instead of listening to him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
How can I keep the infidelity a secret when I know it is what's causing me the anxiety now?
If I keep on telling him to leave me alone, he works harder on the recovery to win me back and I know it's the infidelity that prevents me from re-entering our marriage.
i don't understand the keeping it secret part regarding the infidelity. what you feel, WHATEVER you feel is important. and ya know what? it's totally ok if HE doesn't GET IT. it's totally ok for you to say I'M DONE. you aren't on a debate team........no one is going to SCORE your "argument" for ending the marriage. and you certainly do NOT have to justify it TO HIM.
you do not have to answer when he calls.
you do not have to reply when he texts.
you do not have to feel obligated because he's managed to string together a week or so of not drinking.
the fact that he is pleading and begging and basically not HEARING you at all says a lot. he wants what HE wants. and he assumes you will play along.
If I keep on telling him to leave me alone, he works harder on the recovery to win me back and I know it's the infidelity that prevents me from re-entering our marriage.
i don't understand the keeping it secret part regarding the infidelity. what you feel, WHATEVER you feel is important. and ya know what? it's totally ok if HE doesn't GET IT. it's totally ok for you to say I'M DONE. you aren't on a debate team........no one is going to SCORE your "argument" for ending the marriage. and you certainly do NOT have to justify it TO HIM.
you do not have to answer when he calls.
you do not have to reply when he texts.
you do not have to feel obligated because he's managed to string together a week or so of not drinking.
the fact that he is pleading and begging and basically not HEARING you at all says a lot. he wants what HE wants. and he assumes you will play along.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Can't get any worse...
Well,
Approx 3 weeks ago I felt certain that I wanted to end my marriage (we split after the shenanigans at new year).
To keep this short, I sent him correspondence saying I could not consider a reconciliation and that I wanted to pursue legal separation etc.
Mentioned to him that I was aware of infidelity on his part during our almost 5 year marriage. Did not state that his daughter had told me anything.
He denied it, said if I was referring to 'x' incident then he had his side of the story and swore on his children's lives that he had never so much as 'kissed or touched another woman whilst married to me' .
I asked him not to continue with the begging and to please accept my decision as mind made up and not going to change it. This was over the course of fri/sat. Then on the Sunday he posted a strange comment on Facebook and sent me a suicde note (email). I didn't receive said email until around 6pm on the Sunday. I called his sister to go check on him as I was 7-8 hours drive away at my own home. Also asked her to send an ambulance. Turns out my AH had consumed a full litre of a toxic poison. A teaspoon would kill a small animal.
He was taken to hospital in ambulance. Still conscious as the alcohol in his system (yeah he relapsed that day after allegedly one month sober) was acting as an antidote to the poison.
Eventually his body began to shut down, he was rushed to Intensive Treatment Unit where he remained for 10 days (in a coma for 7 of those days) has now been moved to another hospital in England that specialises in renal care as both his kidneys failed. As well as this his lung collapsed, he got a chest infection, pneumonia, MRSA hospital bug. They (medical team) assumed he would lose his sight and be brain damaged to some degree.
Miraculously, he seems to have escaped all of that and apart from obvious need of mental health treatment he seems to have survived apart from the kidneys. Even they are showing signs of improvement.
He may get out of hospital in next few days! He can receive ongoing dialysis several times a week at hospital or daily at home.
We (his children from his first marriage) and I travelled to his bedside as soon as it happened as the doctor I spoke to thought it unlikely he would survive 24 hours. I spent the next 2 weeks at his bedside supporting him and his children.
He was very confused for a few days after all the drugs but now he has his memory back and the consultant has told him what he did. He sent me a message saying he is ashamed and feels very guilty for pain he's caused me. Will never touch a drip eve in his life again etc
I offered to be there to support him and to travel down south again soon to return his car and to offer some support around house/appointments etc and even though things were very emotional and I was tempted to just go back to him - I managed to say that I can't offer him more than that at this stage.
Two days ago rental money was due into my account but it seems it was redirected by him to his daughters account - bit of a kick in the guts after all I'd done for him and girls recently....
When I asked him if he remembered anything he just said 'yeah, think I may have arranged that a few weeks back'. Nothing further apart from asking when we could have a face to face talk about everything.
I told him I would drive the 7/8 hours back with car when we know what day he's getting released and I could stay a day or two to help out and we could talk then.
I'm thinking this is really bad behaviour for him to leave me financially strapped whilst we aren't even officially separated YET (I have an appointment next week).
There was money in his apartment that I used for all of our expenses while he was in hospital - I'm sure that won't go down well when he returns home and realises but I wasn't going to be even more out of pocket for leaving work for two weeks to support him and his children.
The last thing (sorry this is a long post) while he wa in coma I was trying to get some contacts from his phone - lol and behold in popped an email with photo attachments from a lady he sounds to have met online - she is Russian.... seems he had been corresponding with her and maybe others during our 6 week separation and even right up to before he was begging me to return to him.
I am SO torn about doing the right thing to support him through what is a very dark episode for him and his mental health and also just wanting away from it all.
One thing is for sure I need to return his work car to him soon - I only took it north to get his girls back home it was just the simplest option at the time.
I'd really appreciate any comments any of you have
Thank you
Approx 3 weeks ago I felt certain that I wanted to end my marriage (we split after the shenanigans at new year).
To keep this short, I sent him correspondence saying I could not consider a reconciliation and that I wanted to pursue legal separation etc.
Mentioned to him that I was aware of infidelity on his part during our almost 5 year marriage. Did not state that his daughter had told me anything.
He denied it, said if I was referring to 'x' incident then he had his side of the story and swore on his children's lives that he had never so much as 'kissed or touched another woman whilst married to me' .
I asked him not to continue with the begging and to please accept my decision as mind made up and not going to change it. This was over the course of fri/sat. Then on the Sunday he posted a strange comment on Facebook and sent me a suicde note (email). I didn't receive said email until around 6pm on the Sunday. I called his sister to go check on him as I was 7-8 hours drive away at my own home. Also asked her to send an ambulance. Turns out my AH had consumed a full litre of a toxic poison. A teaspoon would kill a small animal.
He was taken to hospital in ambulance. Still conscious as the alcohol in his system (yeah he relapsed that day after allegedly one month sober) was acting as an antidote to the poison.
Eventually his body began to shut down, he was rushed to Intensive Treatment Unit where he remained for 10 days (in a coma for 7 of those days) has now been moved to another hospital in England that specialises in renal care as both his kidneys failed. As well as this his lung collapsed, he got a chest infection, pneumonia, MRSA hospital bug. They (medical team) assumed he would lose his sight and be brain damaged to some degree.
Miraculously, he seems to have escaped all of that and apart from obvious need of mental health treatment he seems to have survived apart from the kidneys. Even they are showing signs of improvement.
He may get out of hospital in next few days! He can receive ongoing dialysis several times a week at hospital or daily at home.
We (his children from his first marriage) and I travelled to his bedside as soon as it happened as the doctor I spoke to thought it unlikely he would survive 24 hours. I spent the next 2 weeks at his bedside supporting him and his children.
He was very confused for a few days after all the drugs but now he has his memory back and the consultant has told him what he did. He sent me a message saying he is ashamed and feels very guilty for pain he's caused me. Will never touch a drip eve in his life again etc
I offered to be there to support him and to travel down south again soon to return his car and to offer some support around house/appointments etc and even though things were very emotional and I was tempted to just go back to him - I managed to say that I can't offer him more than that at this stage.
Two days ago rental money was due into my account but it seems it was redirected by him to his daughters account - bit of a kick in the guts after all I'd done for him and girls recently....
When I asked him if he remembered anything he just said 'yeah, think I may have arranged that a few weeks back'. Nothing further apart from asking when we could have a face to face talk about everything.
I told him I would drive the 7/8 hours back with car when we know what day he's getting released and I could stay a day or two to help out and we could talk then.
I'm thinking this is really bad behaviour for him to leave me financially strapped whilst we aren't even officially separated YET (I have an appointment next week).
There was money in his apartment that I used for all of our expenses while he was in hospital - I'm sure that won't go down well when he returns home and realises but I wasn't going to be even more out of pocket for leaving work for two weeks to support him and his children.
The last thing (sorry this is a long post) while he wa in coma I was trying to get some contacts from his phone - lol and behold in popped an email with photo attachments from a lady he sounds to have met online - she is Russian.... seems he had been corresponding with her and maybe others during our 6 week separation and even right up to before he was begging me to return to him.
I am SO torn about doing the right thing to support him through what is a very dark episode for him and his mental health and also just wanting away from it all.
One thing is for sure I need to return his work car to him soon - I only took it north to get his girls back home it was just the simplest option at the time.
I'd really appreciate any comments any of you have
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Holy guacamole what a horrible mess to go through . . . I am so so sorry Hummer. This is everyone's worst nightmare.
Please, please tell me you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself. I can't remember where you are with meetings or counseling but I would think you would need every bit you can get.
As horrible as it has been, it sure sounds like you are doing the right thing to get away from this guy.
Big hug and keep posting.
Please, please tell me you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself. I can't remember where you are with meetings or counseling but I would think you would need every bit you can get.
As horrible as it has been, it sure sounds like you are doing the right thing to get away from this guy.
Big hug and keep posting.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Probably the best support you can give him is to leave him to it. It would be more realistic for him to come to terms with the fact that his marriage is over right away, while he's receiving mental health treatment.
He doesn't seem able to stay away from the ladies, and while he might feel grateful to you for your support, it doesn't translate into faithfulness or ensuring you get the money you need.
He doesn't seem able to stay away from the ladies, and while he might feel grateful to you for your support, it doesn't translate into faithfulness or ensuring you get the money you need.
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