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Anyone else is experiencing "grossed out by XAH" stage of grief?

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Anyone else is experiencing "grossed out by XAH" stage of grief?

Old 01-20-2017, 05:45 PM
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Anyone else is experiencing "grossed out by XAH" stage of grief?

Because I am there! Probably unhealthy as heck - but here it goes. After overdosing on XAH appearances over holidays, I realized that now when I see him I pity him and I am slightly grossed out. He is just an oily sleazy aging dude....

He got on Facebook and I got off Facebook that very moment because his picture was a one on a webcam in a dark room and it looked like something you will see on Craigslist.

My family was over for the holidays and he was all super friendly with them (and they were with him) and he was having a good ole time. When I took them to the airport - he called me several times and sounded like he was tearing up because he will miss MY family so much. All about him.

Then my best friend who works at the same place he does texted me and said that she saw him and he looked well. And again - I had this wave of slight disgust and pity come over me.... He always liked this friend and I can just picture him being all flirty, charming, and oily, making comments on her looks. I now realize that I hate anyone commenting on my appearance because of him. Yikes.

Maybe he means well. But every time he Skypes me my heart drops and I really, really do not want to pick up. I feel like he is too "close" to my family and I wish they were less warm with him - but I cannot make them - and I feel like he deserves a chance to keep a relationship with them. Although if my BIL did anything remotely close to my sister I would kick his rear and would not even talk to him. Why should I?

He is a father of my child and I want to respect him, but have been having a hard time - although he has been paying child
support on time and helping out with expenses and clothes for DS beyond that.

Just wanted to vent and see if anyone experienced anything like that. I don't hate him and I wish him well - but I feel creeped out by him.
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Old 01-20-2017, 06:17 PM
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Doesn't strike me as a problem. Yeah, I was grossed out, too. It's perfectly possible to be grossed out by someone and still treat them with decency. You're gonna be dealing with him for quite a while if you've got kids together. Just keep that polite, but frosty distance, and you'll be fine.
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Old 01-20-2017, 07:48 PM
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Hi Nata, I never went through that stage. It sounds great; welcome it with open arms. It puts you out of danger of going back to him.
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Old 01-20-2017, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Hi Nata, I never went through that stage. It sounds great; welcome it with open arms. It puts you out of danger of going back to him.
Lol there is no danger of that - being there, done that, got the t-shirt. I just feel like if am falling short of "forgiving, kind, fully recovered person".

Lexiecat - thank you for putting my mind at ease
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Old 01-20-2017, 08:30 PM
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It makes sense. It seems like you have a lot of contact with him. I understand that a certain amount is necessary regarding the children, but too much is not healthy for either of you now that your marriage is over. You both need space and time to find your way as separate entities, and for you to find that "forgiving loving kindness" toward him that you seem to be striving for.
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Old 01-20-2017, 08:44 PM
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Nata...this is what it feels like when you have "lost that lovin feeling".
Now you are more freed up to see him objectively...just as he is...without the filter of romantic attraction. Let me tell you--once it is gone...it doesn't come back again.
Now you can just treat him like any other person. giving him his civil rights, is enough.
Just be glad for detachment...don't worry about detachment with "love"....that might take a long time...if ever. In this sense ..I think the word love means "respect".

I am terrified of snakes, for example....but, I would never hurt one and I treat them with the same respect that I do with all of God's creatures....
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Old 01-20-2017, 09:17 PM
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Maybe a vacation would help if you feel this way. It could lift your spirits.
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Old 01-20-2017, 10:17 PM
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Sparklekitty - yes too much over the holidays - working on scaling back. Main difficulty is him showing up for supervised visits without supervisor and then my son is so happy to see him I cannot turn him away.

Dandy - yes I think you are right, I lost that lovin feeling (taken almost a year). Yay for me!

Vacation sounds nice - I just got back from a big holiday plus some more break though. Will be thinking about beach visit in May
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Old 01-21-2017, 05:50 AM
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Right. So if he knows you will not enforce the mandatory supervisor and just do it yourself, this is likely to continue and both you and he will be in this holding pattern indefinitely of acting like a "sort of" family. He is in your space too much and doesn't have to create a separate life for himself. And while your son may be comforted by this, I'm not sure it helps him understand and accept that mom and dad are not together anymore.
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Old 01-21-2017, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Right. So if he knows you will not enforce the mandatory supervisor and just do it yourself, this is likely to continue and both you and he will be in this holding pattern indefinitely of acting like a "sort of" family. He is in your space too much and doesn't have to create a separate life for himself. And while your son may be comforted by this, I'm not sure it helps him understand and accept that mom and dad are not together anymore.
True - need to be more strict. It just breaks my heart to turn him away and watch DS suffer. He normally only shows up like this once a month max - more over the holidays.

He is starting to talk about "next year arrangements" (we have 1 year review in parenting plan). I will let him initiate that, which means it probably is not happening since he is too lazy
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Old 01-21-2017, 09:29 AM
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children thrive on consistency and clear boundaries. when "daddy" just shows up, unannounced and/or without previously arranged for supervision, it creates chaos and unrest for the child.

remember the jack in the box toy.....you'd spin the handle, the tune would go, but you never knew WHEN "jack" was going to pop up - and it was always just a little scary.

not only does the child need a reliable schedule of visitation, but your ex needs to know that there are RULES in place, and that they benefit the CHILD, not him. your ex is still all about him.
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Old 01-21-2017, 11:46 AM
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Yep - completely agreed, Anvil - I never allow him to "pop up without notice" - he lives 300 miles away so it helps some

I am annoyed with his seeming inability to obtain a supervisor....
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Old 01-21-2017, 12:36 PM
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Have you checked with your family court to see if they have a location for supervised visitation? Some places do. There are also services that will provide a supervisor for a fee.

I think you may need to revisit your parenting time order. Maybe put in a provision that he is not to come to the house for visitation WITHOUT a supervisor. You shouldn't be put in the position of having to spend time in his company.
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Old 01-21-2017, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post
I am annoyed with his seeming inability to obtain a supervisor....
And of course at this point, he likely isn't even trying as he knows he will be admitted with or without one.
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Old 01-22-2017, 03:51 PM
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No, because when it was over I shut the door permanently. No Facebook, Twitter or email. Otherwise I would have been letting him live rent-free in my head, keeping the focus on him instead of dealing with my codependency.
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