My story of living with a FA... what to do?
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
My story of living with a FA... what to do?
Hi All,
This is my first post on any site related to alcoholism... I stumbled across it and found many posts to be interesting and lots of good advice.
I apologize in advance for the length and rambling and I appreciate the opportunity to vent.
I just want to tell my story to an audience that seems to get it... plus, I feel it will be therapeutic for me to do so and a relief to finally lay it all out to someone. I don't know what I really hope to get out of this... comfort maybe... advice... or just even a sense of feeling like I'm not alone. So, here goes...
I think my wife is an alcoholic. For the record, if it even matters, alcoholism in some form runs in her family. From what I understand from her and other folks, her parents (both deceased) were alcoholics on some level. Her oldest brother was a raging alcoholic for 20 years before he finally got on the wagon and has been sober now for 12 years. I provide this background because I've known it since day 1 with my wife so I've always had that worry in the back of my mind that there was potential she could follow suit with her family members... but yet naive enough to think "nah, it won't happen to her."
Generally speaking, my wife tends to have a lower self-esteem than others. Additionally, she's wrestled with multiple traumatic events in her life that have affected her, such as her father dying when she was 13, her younger brother dying when she was 23, her mother dying a slow, horrible death (Alzheimers), and her ex-husband divorcing her because he found "the love of his life" in another woman. I provide this further background because these things come up as justifications from her on behavior (For the record, I recognize these are some crappy life events to deal with and I am sympathetic to it). Over the years, she has had intervals of therapy with shrinks. She has pretty much been on anti-depressants (Effexor) since I have met her, only quitting it once for about a year. She has rolling prescriptions for Xanex for anxiety and Ambien for sleep issues when she needs them.
My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have two daughters (from her previous marriage) that I have raised since they were 2 and 3 years old. In the early years, drinking was a favorite pastime of ours... we both really like beer and loved trying new craft beers, checking out microbreweries, as well as trips to wineries and such. For a long time, we even got into making our own beer, drinking responsibly with the neighbors, entering local competitions, and so on. For years, there was never an issue... considering all of the above, drinking was still simply a social thing for both of us... we didn't drink daily, even after a hard days work, beer/wine was not the go-to decompressor except on random occasion. If we went for several weeks without drinking alcohol, it was a non-issue. On the occasions she did get drunk, she got a little crazy... got flirty, said questionable things, flashed people a few times, etc. This of course annoyed me so I didn't particularly like it when she got wasted.
In 2010 she had a medical procedure done and ended up getting a blood infection that nearly killed her. She spent a week in the hospital but it took 6 months for her body to physically recover. Mentally, it changed her. I've read up a lot on that subject and it seems that that sort of issue can change a woman forever, throwing off hormones, etc etc. Since that sickness, her previous self-esteem issues became more exaggerated, her ability to cope with stress and pressures from her job became real problems (she was a teacher), and just her overall mental state was more fragile. She eventually had to quit her job.
As I've gone back to proof read what I've written so far, the fact that it is all written down now makes me think "wow, this is already a recipe for disaster!"
So, where the drinking starts to become a problem...
After her sickness and the issues she began having dealing with her job and life's stresses, she began drinking more. Multiple glasses of wine after work became frequent. Hard liquor and mixed drinks began to enter the picture as well. All of our neighbors were always drinking wine/mixed drinks so an environment for her to do so easily already existed... neighbors congregating on someone's front porch after a hard days work, having a drink, and commiserating. Additionally, many of our neighbors loved to party and host people every weekend, so there was always a place to drink and get drunk with friends. It got to where our kids knew when mom got drunk and used that as an excuse... or if something happened at the house like something got broken or whatever, one of the kids would be like "oh, mom must have been drunk."
This went on for several years, but it all first came to a head one weekend when a neighbor was having a big backyard party. She started hitting the mixed drinks hard before we even went to the party. During the party, I noticed she was basically hanging all over this one guy that's kind of known as the neighborhood stud. I didn't want to cause a scene, I let it go, but kept my eye on the situation. After the party, when we went home, she crashed out immediately. The next day, I noticed she was being very strange with her phone... I picked it up when she wasn't looking to find out she had been inappropriately texting with that guy. The crap hit the fan, we began marriage counseling, and I began saying alcohol has become a problem for her. I viewed it as cheating and our marriage became tough for a while but I got over it. She stopped drinking... for a while.
Fast forward a few years to the point in time where she had to quit her job. She was having a tough time coping with that and going through intensive therapy. Sitting at home, nothing really to do, no hobbies, sleeping alot, surfing the net, becoming a Facebook addict, all began leading to another downward spiral. She began moving towards daily drinking and hiding it. I would see things periodically like empty bottles or I would smell it on her. Of course, when I smell it and asked her if she had been drinking, she would say no followed by a "well i just brushed my teeth so maybe you are smelling the mouthwash" or "i just drank a fruity drink" and so on. I almost began to think I was the one that was crazy and because I was so hypersensitive to her drinking that I just began imagining it because it pissed me off so bad. But, inevitably, I would again find a bottle or some other confirmation of the drinking.
One other detail I left out above is that, after she has approx 2 glasses of wine or 2 beers, etc, it becomes very obvious that she has been drinking. Her speech begins to slur, her body language changes, and really her personality changes. So even the hard, physical evidence aside, the slurs and other things become her major tell-tale.
Daily/weekly arguments would continue as she kept drinking. Eventually, I would learn that she connected with an old high school flame on Facebook and ended up having an affair. I traveled a lot for work, so that made it easy for her. Much of that affair and the lying and the things that happened involved alcohol in some way, shape or form. I'll save the gory details, but it eventually hit rock bottom one night when I was traveling and she had the nuts to invite this guy over to dinner, with one of our daughters there (teenage), thought our daughter wasn't smart enough to figure out what was going on, got completely wasted on two bottles of wine and who knows what else, ultimately leading my daughter to see something with the two of them that no child should ever have to see. While I'm not naive enough to blame alcohol entirely for my wife having an affair, it was, though, a contributor to certain things, including behaviors, and an enabler to do unacceptable things while under the influence. All in all, yet again, alcohol was tied in some way to another major traumatic event.
January 2016: We obviously had a lot to work through, I didn't leave, I agreed to work on it with her. After I had discovered this affair, she felt horrible about it and looked to drinking. There were multiple episodes that kept happening. One example is she was cooking dinner, completely normal, sober, all was well. I went into my office to catch up on some work, I go in to check on her 20 minutes later and I smell a strong stench of alcohol as I walk into the kitchen. I began looking around for a bottle and found one (cognac) in the cupboard where drinking glasses were. She said "oh, i was using it to cook with." I called BS and as she began speaking, it was immediately clear that she was wasted... her speech severely slurred and she could hardly stand up and began stumbling. All this in a span of 20 minutes!
Anyway, part of the deal to try to repair the affair included her stopping drinking and, on advice to her by myself and others (including her former alcoholic brother), get into an AA class. She did so... for a while. She stopped drinking... for a while... I would say 2 months maybe. Then the drinking began to subtly make its way back in, starting with "hey, I've been good for a few months and we're going out with friends, can't i just have one drink socially?" I basically said no and that she was doing a great job so far without it and no need to derail. We went to party, she did good with drinking her ginger ale... until towards the end of the night she started getting that drunk way about her. Come to find out she started locating whisky, spiking her drink, then hiding the bottle by all the women's purses. Needless to say, she was wasted.
She stopped for a bit longer, but then it began working its way back in yet again, mostly via hiding. Her obvious answer when confronted about the hiding is that "well, you will be mad if I drink." Hearing that just makes me want to scream! Know what I mean?
As we get toward the end of 2016, I'm seeing the alcohol trending back up just as it did leading up to her last affair. Last week, I find out she had connected with yet a different old high school classmate on Facebook and started the inappropriate FB Messenger chats, texts, etc. It was basically the start of an emotional affair, most all happening while under the influence. Then, last night, we had dinner, all was well, around 10 o'clock i noticed her speech slurring and not being able to stand up. I asked her what was up, she said she took a sleeping pill. I didn't believe her and I also got that smell of alcohol. I had also noticed she kept going into the closet in our bedroom. I made her go to bed. I go into the closet and search around and find a big empty bottle of cranberry vodka stuffed into one of her boots.
At this point, I'm just thinking "WTF!?!?"
I feel like it's the last straw. All the above are just a few examples... over the years, there have just been too many scenarios and trends to list, but you get the point.
I know, some of you are thinking "well she cheated and that's separate and that right there should be the deal breaker." But, it's just not that simple.
It's like, I feel bad for her, you know? With all the crap that has happened to her (from her point of view), it's like she uses alcohol as that outlet... as the pick me up... as the "i'll just have a drink and it will make me feel better for a while."
But then I'm just so damn confused, because the other part of me is like I'm just tired of dealing with it. But then if I leave or I tell her to leave, I feel like that will be the icing on the cake and she will tumble into a downward spiral of alcoholism and nothing good will come of that. Please also don't forget that there are kids in the mix.
But then part of me says well I don't care, won't be my problem anymore... but the good guy part of me does care and doesn't want that to happen. It would be different if everything that has happened was a result of malicious intent, but I just don't see that being the case. Alcohol takes the edge off, it let's you take the F-it attitude, it let's you feel better about making those decisions that give you instant gratitude and makes you not give a crap about consequences. I guess that's part of the "drug" and the addiction.
With her, it's all a recipe for disaster.
So again, what do I do? Do I call an intervention with family and friends or will that just make things worse? Do I say "you will stop drinking and go to AA or else"? How can I really stop her from drinking? Will she just get better at hiding it? I know she sometimes stops by the liquor store on the way home, so she could easily do that and down something before she comes in the house, or worse yet, do it in the parking lot at the liquor store then drive. I just feel a lack of control.
This is tough for me because I guess I'm what you would call is one of those type-A people that identify a problem then fix it... don't be weak, pick yourself up, dig in and fix your problems and you will be better off for it. My wife is complete opposite and that thinking is not a part of her personality but rather it's feel sorry for yourself, I'm a loser, I'm messed up, I can't be fixed, etc. Alcohol makes that go away... for today. Then again tomorrow, then the next day, etc.
Though I've said everything above, I just want to point out that our entire marriage has not been bad. When she's not drinking, she is a good, caring person, easy to be around, she never meets a stranger, and EVERYONE loves her. But when the alcohol comes out, the person changes and it's been a great struggle that has taken up way more of our marriage than it should.
I just don't know what to do and feeling frustrated.
Apologies again for the length and the rambling, but just had to get it out.
Thanks for listening (reading)!
B
This is my first post on any site related to alcoholism... I stumbled across it and found many posts to be interesting and lots of good advice.
I apologize in advance for the length and rambling and I appreciate the opportunity to vent.
I just want to tell my story to an audience that seems to get it... plus, I feel it will be therapeutic for me to do so and a relief to finally lay it all out to someone. I don't know what I really hope to get out of this... comfort maybe... advice... or just even a sense of feeling like I'm not alone. So, here goes...
I think my wife is an alcoholic. For the record, if it even matters, alcoholism in some form runs in her family. From what I understand from her and other folks, her parents (both deceased) were alcoholics on some level. Her oldest brother was a raging alcoholic for 20 years before he finally got on the wagon and has been sober now for 12 years. I provide this background because I've known it since day 1 with my wife so I've always had that worry in the back of my mind that there was potential she could follow suit with her family members... but yet naive enough to think "nah, it won't happen to her."
Generally speaking, my wife tends to have a lower self-esteem than others. Additionally, she's wrestled with multiple traumatic events in her life that have affected her, such as her father dying when she was 13, her younger brother dying when she was 23, her mother dying a slow, horrible death (Alzheimers), and her ex-husband divorcing her because he found "the love of his life" in another woman. I provide this further background because these things come up as justifications from her on behavior (For the record, I recognize these are some crappy life events to deal with and I am sympathetic to it). Over the years, she has had intervals of therapy with shrinks. She has pretty much been on anti-depressants (Effexor) since I have met her, only quitting it once for about a year. She has rolling prescriptions for Xanex for anxiety and Ambien for sleep issues when she needs them.
My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have two daughters (from her previous marriage) that I have raised since they were 2 and 3 years old. In the early years, drinking was a favorite pastime of ours... we both really like beer and loved trying new craft beers, checking out microbreweries, as well as trips to wineries and such. For a long time, we even got into making our own beer, drinking responsibly with the neighbors, entering local competitions, and so on. For years, there was never an issue... considering all of the above, drinking was still simply a social thing for both of us... we didn't drink daily, even after a hard days work, beer/wine was not the go-to decompressor except on random occasion. If we went for several weeks without drinking alcohol, it was a non-issue. On the occasions she did get drunk, she got a little crazy... got flirty, said questionable things, flashed people a few times, etc. This of course annoyed me so I didn't particularly like it when she got wasted.
In 2010 she had a medical procedure done and ended up getting a blood infection that nearly killed her. She spent a week in the hospital but it took 6 months for her body to physically recover. Mentally, it changed her. I've read up a lot on that subject and it seems that that sort of issue can change a woman forever, throwing off hormones, etc etc. Since that sickness, her previous self-esteem issues became more exaggerated, her ability to cope with stress and pressures from her job became real problems (she was a teacher), and just her overall mental state was more fragile. She eventually had to quit her job.
As I've gone back to proof read what I've written so far, the fact that it is all written down now makes me think "wow, this is already a recipe for disaster!"
So, where the drinking starts to become a problem...
After her sickness and the issues she began having dealing with her job and life's stresses, she began drinking more. Multiple glasses of wine after work became frequent. Hard liquor and mixed drinks began to enter the picture as well. All of our neighbors were always drinking wine/mixed drinks so an environment for her to do so easily already existed... neighbors congregating on someone's front porch after a hard days work, having a drink, and commiserating. Additionally, many of our neighbors loved to party and host people every weekend, so there was always a place to drink and get drunk with friends. It got to where our kids knew when mom got drunk and used that as an excuse... or if something happened at the house like something got broken or whatever, one of the kids would be like "oh, mom must have been drunk."
This went on for several years, but it all first came to a head one weekend when a neighbor was having a big backyard party. She started hitting the mixed drinks hard before we even went to the party. During the party, I noticed she was basically hanging all over this one guy that's kind of known as the neighborhood stud. I didn't want to cause a scene, I let it go, but kept my eye on the situation. After the party, when we went home, she crashed out immediately. The next day, I noticed she was being very strange with her phone... I picked it up when she wasn't looking to find out she had been inappropriately texting with that guy. The crap hit the fan, we began marriage counseling, and I began saying alcohol has become a problem for her. I viewed it as cheating and our marriage became tough for a while but I got over it. She stopped drinking... for a while.
Fast forward a few years to the point in time where she had to quit her job. She was having a tough time coping with that and going through intensive therapy. Sitting at home, nothing really to do, no hobbies, sleeping alot, surfing the net, becoming a Facebook addict, all began leading to another downward spiral. She began moving towards daily drinking and hiding it. I would see things periodically like empty bottles or I would smell it on her. Of course, when I smell it and asked her if she had been drinking, she would say no followed by a "well i just brushed my teeth so maybe you are smelling the mouthwash" or "i just drank a fruity drink" and so on. I almost began to think I was the one that was crazy and because I was so hypersensitive to her drinking that I just began imagining it because it pissed me off so bad. But, inevitably, I would again find a bottle or some other confirmation of the drinking.
One other detail I left out above is that, after she has approx 2 glasses of wine or 2 beers, etc, it becomes very obvious that she has been drinking. Her speech begins to slur, her body language changes, and really her personality changes. So even the hard, physical evidence aside, the slurs and other things become her major tell-tale.
Daily/weekly arguments would continue as she kept drinking. Eventually, I would learn that she connected with an old high school flame on Facebook and ended up having an affair. I traveled a lot for work, so that made it easy for her. Much of that affair and the lying and the things that happened involved alcohol in some way, shape or form. I'll save the gory details, but it eventually hit rock bottom one night when I was traveling and she had the nuts to invite this guy over to dinner, with one of our daughters there (teenage), thought our daughter wasn't smart enough to figure out what was going on, got completely wasted on two bottles of wine and who knows what else, ultimately leading my daughter to see something with the two of them that no child should ever have to see. While I'm not naive enough to blame alcohol entirely for my wife having an affair, it was, though, a contributor to certain things, including behaviors, and an enabler to do unacceptable things while under the influence. All in all, yet again, alcohol was tied in some way to another major traumatic event.
January 2016: We obviously had a lot to work through, I didn't leave, I agreed to work on it with her. After I had discovered this affair, she felt horrible about it and looked to drinking. There were multiple episodes that kept happening. One example is she was cooking dinner, completely normal, sober, all was well. I went into my office to catch up on some work, I go in to check on her 20 minutes later and I smell a strong stench of alcohol as I walk into the kitchen. I began looking around for a bottle and found one (cognac) in the cupboard where drinking glasses were. She said "oh, i was using it to cook with." I called BS and as she began speaking, it was immediately clear that she was wasted... her speech severely slurred and she could hardly stand up and began stumbling. All this in a span of 20 minutes!
Anyway, part of the deal to try to repair the affair included her stopping drinking and, on advice to her by myself and others (including her former alcoholic brother), get into an AA class. She did so... for a while. She stopped drinking... for a while... I would say 2 months maybe. Then the drinking began to subtly make its way back in, starting with "hey, I've been good for a few months and we're going out with friends, can't i just have one drink socially?" I basically said no and that she was doing a great job so far without it and no need to derail. We went to party, she did good with drinking her ginger ale... until towards the end of the night she started getting that drunk way about her. Come to find out she started locating whisky, spiking her drink, then hiding the bottle by all the women's purses. Needless to say, she was wasted.
She stopped for a bit longer, but then it began working its way back in yet again, mostly via hiding. Her obvious answer when confronted about the hiding is that "well, you will be mad if I drink." Hearing that just makes me want to scream! Know what I mean?
As we get toward the end of 2016, I'm seeing the alcohol trending back up just as it did leading up to her last affair. Last week, I find out she had connected with yet a different old high school classmate on Facebook and started the inappropriate FB Messenger chats, texts, etc. It was basically the start of an emotional affair, most all happening while under the influence. Then, last night, we had dinner, all was well, around 10 o'clock i noticed her speech slurring and not being able to stand up. I asked her what was up, she said she took a sleeping pill. I didn't believe her and I also got that smell of alcohol. I had also noticed she kept going into the closet in our bedroom. I made her go to bed. I go into the closet and search around and find a big empty bottle of cranberry vodka stuffed into one of her boots.
At this point, I'm just thinking "WTF!?!?"
I feel like it's the last straw. All the above are just a few examples... over the years, there have just been too many scenarios and trends to list, but you get the point.
I know, some of you are thinking "well she cheated and that's separate and that right there should be the deal breaker." But, it's just not that simple.
It's like, I feel bad for her, you know? With all the crap that has happened to her (from her point of view), it's like she uses alcohol as that outlet... as the pick me up... as the "i'll just have a drink and it will make me feel better for a while."
But then I'm just so damn confused, because the other part of me is like I'm just tired of dealing with it. But then if I leave or I tell her to leave, I feel like that will be the icing on the cake and she will tumble into a downward spiral of alcoholism and nothing good will come of that. Please also don't forget that there are kids in the mix.
But then part of me says well I don't care, won't be my problem anymore... but the good guy part of me does care and doesn't want that to happen. It would be different if everything that has happened was a result of malicious intent, but I just don't see that being the case. Alcohol takes the edge off, it let's you take the F-it attitude, it let's you feel better about making those decisions that give you instant gratitude and makes you not give a crap about consequences. I guess that's part of the "drug" and the addiction.
With her, it's all a recipe for disaster.
So again, what do I do? Do I call an intervention with family and friends or will that just make things worse? Do I say "you will stop drinking and go to AA or else"? How can I really stop her from drinking? Will she just get better at hiding it? I know she sometimes stops by the liquor store on the way home, so she could easily do that and down something before she comes in the house, or worse yet, do it in the parking lot at the liquor store then drive. I just feel a lack of control.
This is tough for me because I guess I'm what you would call is one of those type-A people that identify a problem then fix it... don't be weak, pick yourself up, dig in and fix your problems and you will be better off for it. My wife is complete opposite and that thinking is not a part of her personality but rather it's feel sorry for yourself, I'm a loser, I'm messed up, I can't be fixed, etc. Alcohol makes that go away... for today. Then again tomorrow, then the next day, etc.
Though I've said everything above, I just want to point out that our entire marriage has not been bad. When she's not drinking, she is a good, caring person, easy to be around, she never meets a stranger, and EVERYONE loves her. But when the alcohol comes out, the person changes and it's been a great struggle that has taken up way more of our marriage than it should.
I just don't know what to do and feeling frustrated.
Apologies again for the length and the rambling, but just had to get it out.
Thanks for listening (reading)!
B
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi there, and welcome.
All that history really isn't pertinent to the basic problem, which is that your wife is an alcoholic and your life has become unmanageable.
I'd really suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting and getting started with that. Learn all you can about alcoholism--not so you can get her sober (because you can't) but so you understand what it is you're dealing with.
This isn't a simple "fix"--does she have any interest in quitting drinking? If not, she will continue to drink and her life will continue to get worse. You can do something about the effects it has on YOU, however. Al-Anon can help you get your head on straight so you can make the best choices for your own future, and that of your kids.
I'm not sure how old your kids are, but there is also Alateen for them, to help them with the impact their mom's drinking (and their dad's coping strategies) have had on them.
Stick around--this is a great place for support and knowledge. You might want to start by reading the "sticky" threads up top.
All that history really isn't pertinent to the basic problem, which is that your wife is an alcoholic and your life has become unmanageable.
I'd really suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting and getting started with that. Learn all you can about alcoholism--not so you can get her sober (because you can't) but so you understand what it is you're dealing with.
This isn't a simple "fix"--does she have any interest in quitting drinking? If not, she will continue to drink and her life will continue to get worse. You can do something about the effects it has on YOU, however. Al-Anon can help you get your head on straight so you can make the best choices for your own future, and that of your kids.
I'm not sure how old your kids are, but there is also Alateen for them, to help them with the impact their mom's drinking (and their dad's coping strategies) have had on them.
Stick around--this is a great place for support and knowledge. You might want to start by reading the "sticky" threads up top.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I love your long post, I am the king of the long posts around here so first let me just say welcome. Sorry you have to be here, glad you are here because you are with good people.
There are people much wiser and smarter than me who will weigh in on your thread soon, I am sure, but I just wanted to first say I can relate to so much of what you say, and I'm so sorry to hear of the years of struggle you have had to go through. I myself was with a female alcoholic partner for 10 years, and it can be draining in its own special unique way, when the alcohol abuser is the female in the relationship and you are the male trying to hold it together.
Without going point by point though it all I can certainly say that I see some similarities here to what I have been through so I can tell you from my perspective what I learned and what did and did not work for me.
Any sort of accusations I made, threats (especially those I didn't back up), attempts to promote leaning about alcoholism (AA, quizzes, books, etc), accusations, deals, begging, pleading, arguing, never made any difference at all. The alcohol won the battle every time. What I had to finally realize was that her drinking was 100% in her hands, and 100% out of my hands. There was not absolutely one thing I could do that would change her desire or ability to pick up a bottle of booze and drink it. As an adult, she had the right to drink it, and I had the right to decide how much of it I could live with, before I could not live with it anymore.
Like you and many guys, I am a fixer, and I always think that there is a solution to every problem. I must say in this case I have learned there is no solution that I could leverage to change her behavior. She has to want to change her behavior, unfortunately.
I will tell you this - Much like you are 100% not able to change her drinking habits, you are also 100% not responsible for any of the drinking she does. I fell under a spell for years or at least times where I believed that the reason she got so hammered was because I was hounding her about it, or because I was out of town for a weekend, or busy at work and not entertaining her, or if I'd just backed off and not said anything she'd have not had any or stopped at one....I will say, none of that is true. What I learned is, nothing you do controls or effects how much they drink. It is 100% on them.
Unfortunately you've been unsuccessful so far because, like me, you kept looking for that magic word or scenario or solution that would fix the problem. It took me a time to accept the fact that she was going to drink, because...she wanted to drink. Simple as that. As long as your wife wants to drink, she will drink. Sorry to say. You can let her know how you feel about it, you can even let her know consequences on how it will affect your relationship and future together (if you are able to follow through on said consequences), but you can't make her stop drinking. I fought this battle like you for years, and I lost the battle.
There will be more responses and I'll say more as well but just wanted to welcome you for now. It will be okay. You are in a great place here and we will help you work through this!
There are people much wiser and smarter than me who will weigh in on your thread soon, I am sure, but I just wanted to first say I can relate to so much of what you say, and I'm so sorry to hear of the years of struggle you have had to go through. I myself was with a female alcoholic partner for 10 years, and it can be draining in its own special unique way, when the alcohol abuser is the female in the relationship and you are the male trying to hold it together.
Without going point by point though it all I can certainly say that I see some similarities here to what I have been through so I can tell you from my perspective what I learned and what did and did not work for me.
Any sort of accusations I made, threats (especially those I didn't back up), attempts to promote leaning about alcoholism (AA, quizzes, books, etc), accusations, deals, begging, pleading, arguing, never made any difference at all. The alcohol won the battle every time. What I had to finally realize was that her drinking was 100% in her hands, and 100% out of my hands. There was not absolutely one thing I could do that would change her desire or ability to pick up a bottle of booze and drink it. As an adult, she had the right to drink it, and I had the right to decide how much of it I could live with, before I could not live with it anymore.
Like you and many guys, I am a fixer, and I always think that there is a solution to every problem. I must say in this case I have learned there is no solution that I could leverage to change her behavior. She has to want to change her behavior, unfortunately.
I will tell you this - Much like you are 100% not able to change her drinking habits, you are also 100% not responsible for any of the drinking she does. I fell under a spell for years or at least times where I believed that the reason she got so hammered was because I was hounding her about it, or because I was out of town for a weekend, or busy at work and not entertaining her, or if I'd just backed off and not said anything she'd have not had any or stopped at one....I will say, none of that is true. What I learned is, nothing you do controls or effects how much they drink. It is 100% on them.
Unfortunately you've been unsuccessful so far because, like me, you kept looking for that magic word or scenario or solution that would fix the problem. It took me a time to accept the fact that she was going to drink, because...she wanted to drink. Simple as that. As long as your wife wants to drink, she will drink. Sorry to say. You can let her know how you feel about it, you can even let her know consequences on how it will affect your relationship and future together (if you are able to follow through on said consequences), but you can't make her stop drinking. I fought this battle like you for years, and I lost the battle.
There will be more responses and I'll say more as well but just wanted to welcome you for now. It will be okay. You are in a great place here and we will help you work through this!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Hi txproud. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much going on at home. You'll hear this a lot on SR but there really isn't anything you can do to get your wife to stop drinking. She had to want to do it, and with out hard, nasty consequences as a direct result of our drinking, most of us alcoholics simple won't stop. IMO, the best thing for you to do right now is to cut her loose. Tell her you just can't go on the way things are between the two of you. She needs to choose. Alcohol, or her marriage and family. Period. You're not being a bad guy by making her choose. You have a life to live and you'll make yourself crazy trying to control your wife's drinking, because in the end, it just won't work. Leave her to her consequences. If she decides that she'd rather have the alcohol than her family, so be it. You can move on with your life and jettision the stress and insanity that is life with an active alcoholic. If she discovers she can't live without you and is willing to permanently give up alocohol (which she probably will not be able to do without some kind of help) then you can begin to think about giving it a go. Bottom line is, if she doesn't quit drinking, you're going to be in for a life of insanity, misery and chaos. And you can't make her quit. The only thing you can do it stop enabling her, leave her to the consequences of her actions, and hope she figures it out. I hope all this doesn't sound harsh, but it really is the long and short of it. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Welcome tx. Glad you found us.
I just want to add to the excellent posts above that "functioning" is a Stage of alcoholism, not a Type. Alcoholism is progressive, and left untreated, will only grow more and more unmanageable.
I just want to add to the excellent posts above that "functioning" is a Stage of alcoholism, not a Type. Alcoholism is progressive, and left untreated, will only grow more and more unmanageable.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have multiple issues here.....not just one big bucket of DRUNK. cheating is a separate issue. she didn't get a bit too drunk ONE night and get a bit too carried away. she had ongoing actively involved relationships with other men.
i bring this up first because i so often see spouses wanting to sweep all the OTHER behavior that they have endured from their alcoholic spouses under the rug. they want to overlook being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, and possibly put at risk for STDs. they would rather believe that the alcohol made that all happen.
IT.DID.NOT.
overuse of alcohol is directly attributable to one thing......intoxication. and if the individual is so disposed, the disease of alcoholism.
we can't MAKE them stop. you've seen that, you've LIVED that. having children hasn't slowed her down. in short, she won't quit until she is damn good and ready. and a whole lot of bad stuff can happen between now and then.
boundaries are your first line of defense. where you draw a line across the linoleum. the children MUST be protected from her lack of discretion and ability to put them first. NO driving the kids. perhaps she should not be left alone to watch over them. perhaps she should not have access to the car. perhaps her access to funds should be limited.
she isn't helpless in all this. there are other ways to cope because hiding vodka in your sock. she knows you know what she's done. she knows she has violated the marriage bond. she knows there are avenues and resources to help her quit and stay quit. she knows she is not being a good mother or role model to her children.
always make the OFFER to assist with getting help.....it's ok to locate some resources, some phone numbers, but let HER make the calls. let HER show some initiative.
this is not your fault. you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
i bring this up first because i so often see spouses wanting to sweep all the OTHER behavior that they have endured from their alcoholic spouses under the rug. they want to overlook being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, and possibly put at risk for STDs. they would rather believe that the alcohol made that all happen.
IT.DID.NOT.
overuse of alcohol is directly attributable to one thing......intoxication. and if the individual is so disposed, the disease of alcoholism.
we can't MAKE them stop. you've seen that, you've LIVED that. having children hasn't slowed her down. in short, she won't quit until she is damn good and ready. and a whole lot of bad stuff can happen between now and then.
boundaries are your first line of defense. where you draw a line across the linoleum. the children MUST be protected from her lack of discretion and ability to put them first. NO driving the kids. perhaps she should not be left alone to watch over them. perhaps she should not have access to the car. perhaps her access to funds should be limited.
she isn't helpless in all this. there are other ways to cope because hiding vodka in your sock. she knows you know what she's done. she knows she has violated the marriage bond. she knows there are avenues and resources to help her quit and stay quit. she knows she is not being a good mother or role model to her children.
always make the OFFER to assist with getting help.....it's ok to locate some resources, some phone numbers, but let HER make the calls. let HER show some initiative.
this is not your fault. you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you have multiple issues here.....not just one big bucket of DRUNK. cheating is a separate issue. she didn't get a bit too drunk ONE night and get a bit too carried away. she had ongoing actively involved relationships with other men.
i bring this up first because i so often see spouses wanting to sweep all the OTHER behavior that they have endured from their alcoholic spouses under the rug. they want to overlook being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, and possibly put at risk for STDs. they would rather believe that the alcohol made that all happen.
IT.DID.NOT.
overuse of alcohol is directly attributable to one thing......intoxication. and if the individual is so disposed, the disease of alcoholism.
we can't MAKE them stop. you've seen that, you've LIVED that. having children hasn't slowed her down. in short, she won't quit until she is damn good and ready. and a whole lot of bad stuff can happen between now and then.
boundaries are your first line of defense. where you draw a line across the linoleum. the children MUST be protected from her lack of discretion and ability to put them first. NO driving the kids. perhaps she should not be left alone to watch over them. perhaps she should not have access to the car. perhaps her access to funds should be limited.
she isn't helpless in all this. there are other ways to cope because hiding vodka in your sock. she knows you know what she's done. she knows she has violated the marriage bond. she knows there are avenues and resources to help her quit and stay quit. she knows she is not being a good mother or role model to her children.
always make the OFFER to assist with getting help.....it's ok to locate some resources, some phone numbers, but let HER make the calls. let HER show some initiative.
this is not your fault. you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
i bring this up first because i so often see spouses wanting to sweep all the OTHER behavior that they have endured from their alcoholic spouses under the rug. they want to overlook being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, and possibly put at risk for STDs. they would rather believe that the alcohol made that all happen.
IT.DID.NOT.
overuse of alcohol is directly attributable to one thing......intoxication. and if the individual is so disposed, the disease of alcoholism.
we can't MAKE them stop. you've seen that, you've LIVED that. having children hasn't slowed her down. in short, she won't quit until she is damn good and ready. and a whole lot of bad stuff can happen between now and then.
boundaries are your first line of defense. where you draw a line across the linoleum. the children MUST be protected from her lack of discretion and ability to put them first. NO driving the kids. perhaps she should not be left alone to watch over them. perhaps she should not have access to the car. perhaps her access to funds should be limited.
she isn't helpless in all this. there are other ways to cope because hiding vodka in your sock. she knows you know what she's done. she knows she has violated the marriage bond. she knows there are avenues and resources to help her quit and stay quit. she knows she is not being a good mother or role model to her children.
always make the OFFER to assist with getting help.....it's ok to locate some resources, some phone numbers, but let HER make the calls. let HER show some initiative.
this is not your fault. you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Alcoholism is something that gets worse and worse over time, and it seems like it's gotten to the point of being pretty out of control.
The first step we all take is to try and help those close to us, but that can quickly turn to enabling. I also suggest getting involved with alanon and for her to start getting into AA. It seems she keeps doing these things as she feels she can get away with it.
Once you put your foot down things may change, but unfortunately likely not.
The first step we all take is to try and help those close to us, but that can quickly turn to enabling. I also suggest getting involved with alanon and for her to start getting into AA. It seems she keeps doing these things as she feels she can get away with it.
Once you put your foot down things may change, but unfortunately likely not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Tx,
Welcome and there is so much to learn on SR. I agree with all the other posters. You need to work on yourself and let your alcoholic wife do her stuff. There is no stopping an addict, until they feel the consequences of their actions. They love alcohol more then they love anything. That will never change. unless she grows up, sobers up and works a program. Expecting her to have remorse or compassion for you or your kids, its just not going to happen, I don't think anytime soon.
I know that you keep rescuing her from all her situations. I copied something many years ago that I love. Read this and read it again. This is truly how you will learn to move forward in life, with her or without her. Hugs my friend, take some deep breaths and open your eyes and close your mouth, things will change.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Welcome and there is so much to learn on SR. I agree with all the other posters. You need to work on yourself and let your alcoholic wife do her stuff. There is no stopping an addict, until they feel the consequences of their actions. They love alcohol more then they love anything. That will never change. unless she grows up, sobers up and works a program. Expecting her to have remorse or compassion for you or your kids, its just not going to happen, I don't think anytime soon.
I know that you keep rescuing her from all her situations. I copied something many years ago that I love. Read this and read it again. This is truly how you will learn to move forward in life, with her or without her. Hugs my friend, take some deep breaths and open your eyes and close your mouth, things will change.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
WOW! Thanks to everyone for the responses so far, it really does mean a lot and I take it straight to heart.
As I read all of these, and ponder my current situation, I think all of you are exactly right! I have been trying to control, or do something about, something that can't be controlled by me. You are correct Wells, I am a fixer too and I've been trying to fix something I am powerless to fix. Heck, all of you are right that there is nothing I can do to make her stop. My mind says "well after all this time and these situations, and my threats to leave or whatever, you think she would have learned and would have stopped or done something about it." But the truth is, I have no bearing on it. It's up to her and her alone.
The light bulb has gone off. I mean, it's not like that hasn't entered my mind before, but I just don't think I really grasped it until now.
I need to focus on me and how to deal with it and how to make the right, tough, decisions related to the situation.
I just looked up the local Al-Anon chapter and there is a meeting tonight I think I will go to.
As I read all of these, and ponder my current situation, I think all of you are exactly right! I have been trying to control, or do something about, something that can't be controlled by me. You are correct Wells, I am a fixer too and I've been trying to fix something I am powerless to fix. Heck, all of you are right that there is nothing I can do to make her stop. My mind says "well after all this time and these situations, and my threats to leave or whatever, you think she would have learned and would have stopped or done something about it." But the truth is, I have no bearing on it. It's up to her and her alone.
The light bulb has gone off. I mean, it's not like that hasn't entered my mind before, but I just don't think I really grasped it until now.
I need to focus on me and how to deal with it and how to make the right, tough, decisions related to the situation.
I just looked up the local Al-Anon chapter and there is a meeting tonight I think I will go to.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One other thing I'd like to mention. You talk about your fear that your leaving her would "be the icing on the cake and she will tumble into a downward spiral of alcoholism." She's ALREADY tumbling into a downward spiral. Her alcoholism will progress with or without you there. Your presence MIGHT be what's preventing her from seeing what she is doing to herself. You make excuses for her, take care of her, smooth things over for her. She isn't getting to experience the full consequences of her actions.
Just by way of background, I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one got sober before we got married--and is still sober after 37 years--and the other went back to drinking shortly after our marriage), and I'm eight years sober, myself. My last relationship (with a non-alcoholic) was when my drinking really took off, but it wasn't until after the relationship ended--and I had nobody else to blame for the sorry state of my life and nobody making me feel OK about myself--that I saw what the DRINKING was doing to me and stopped.
Not to say that will happen if you leave, but the point is that her getting well does not depend on your stoically standing by her.
Just by way of background, I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one got sober before we got married--and is still sober after 37 years--and the other went back to drinking shortly after our marriage), and I'm eight years sober, myself. My last relationship (with a non-alcoholic) was when my drinking really took off, but it wasn't until after the relationship ended--and I had nobody else to blame for the sorry state of my life and nobody making me feel OK about myself--that I saw what the DRINKING was doing to me and stopped.
Not to say that will happen if you leave, but the point is that her getting well does not depend on your stoically standing by her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Great point, Lexie, and I see that now.
I ended up going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight and it was great! It will be a long road, but I have to work on taking care of myself and as all of you have pointed out, she is the only one that can make the decision to help herself and go sober (or not).
I ended up going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight and it was great! It will be a long road, but I have to work on taking care of myself and as all of you have pointed out, she is the only one that can make the decision to help herself and go sober (or not).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi B,
I related to much of your post, too, and wanted to encourage you to keep on posting. Also I wanted to second what Lexie noticed: your partner is already on a downward spiral, with you (and her kids) right there. Sometimes, for some of us, getting out of the As way may increase their will to change rather than exacerbate their downward trend.
I related to much of your post, too, and wanted to encourage you to keep on posting. Also I wanted to second what Lexie noticed: your partner is already on a downward spiral, with you (and her kids) right there. Sometimes, for some of us, getting out of the As way may increase their will to change rather than exacerbate their downward trend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
A couple of things that jumped out for me. Don't go it alone. Surround yourself with people in recovery...Alanon is a great place to start. When an alcoholic believes they can just quit without really getting into recovery, it usually ends badly. There is a different between living sober and not drinking. The former being the alcoholic has the tools to deal with life and the latter being dry. Quitting drinking is like going on a diet that you didn't want to. It's restrictive and there is a bunch of resentment from breaking up with a lover that was bad for you but you still loved them. Recovery is breaking up with a bad partner but really learning to live happily on your own and real change is experienced and noticed by those around you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Hi tx - I'm newish here as well and from Texas too. It's so great that you went to a meeting and I'm happy to hear that it was good. I'm planning to attend my first one next week.
All the advice above is dead on. Some other advice I received when I first reached out to others is not to make any big decisions before you get yourself to a good healthy place. That advice has made all the difference in how my recent (two weeks ago) separation has gone. Leaving the home was still a bit dramatic but I have been able to handle the obstacles so far because I was in a fairly healthy place and was somewhat prepared. It didn't happen on my timing but I was ready to handle it.
Hugs to you! I know where you're coming from and it sounds like you have been managing even more than I was. Sometimes you're probably going to have to do the opposite of what you've trained yourself to do, but you can do it and I think you'll be surprised with the results.
All the advice above is dead on. Some other advice I received when I first reached out to others is not to make any big decisions before you get yourself to a good healthy place. That advice has made all the difference in how my recent (two weeks ago) separation has gone. Leaving the home was still a bit dramatic but I have been able to handle the obstacles so far because I was in a fairly healthy place and was somewhat prepared. It didn't happen on my timing but I was ready to handle it.
Hugs to you! I know where you're coming from and it sounds like you have been managing even more than I was. Sometimes you're probably going to have to do the opposite of what you've trained yourself to do, but you can do it and I think you'll be surprised with the results.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
So glad you went to Alanon!
You've had a lot of good responses, but I just wanted to send good thoughts your way. You're in a tough situation. I was with my XAH for 20 years, divorced with two kids 11 and 13, who are now 15 and 17.
A couple of thoughts--we all have histories, some worse than others. I could write a list of my own life events here that would evoke significant sympathy. It would read as a better reason for me to drink away my problems... but I choose not to. Instead, I'm a full time single mom with a demanding, rewarding job who owns a home.
At my darkest I realized I was drinking a lot and was afraid I'd head down that path. I completely quit drinking while I worked through my issues and dug deep emotionally, through counseling and other avenues. It was hard work and in many ways I hated it. I do drink socially now.
My point is that I chose to take accountability for my life. As evocative as my sob story was, I was in charge of my future story, and I knew what I DIDN'T want it to look like.
Every day we make new choices that direct our lives. We independently own those choices. Nothing that has happened in anyone's past is a reason or excuse to stop living accountably. Please remember that as she reaches for those old excuses and blame.
Another thing--my X cheated multiple times. I have some friends whose spouses have cheated. The common theme I see there is a "seeking", an unhappiness with self and life and a desire to fill it with someone new, or the rush of the feeling. It's a drug, very similar to the alcohol used to do the same thing. Anvil is right, they're separate issues. But unless she does a lot of work on her inner self, BOTH issues will likely continue in some way, because she seeks to fill her needs externally. And she is so focused on her needs that you don't even enter her thoughts. The impact on you and the kids doesn't cross her mind. The incident with your daughter sounds horrible--yet your wife isn't really able to think about it and accept it...because to do so would require some serious personal honesty and reflection, and that would cause a lot of things to come tumbling down for her.
You sound like a good father and husband. I sometimes think it's even harder for men in this situation, because you're "supposed" to be the protector and provider. I'm a fixer too, but I don't feel a responsibility to fix an adult man. Hopefully you'll be able to find that line between protector and enabler. It sure is awfully unclear sometimes!
You've had a lot of good responses, but I just wanted to send good thoughts your way. You're in a tough situation. I was with my XAH for 20 years, divorced with two kids 11 and 13, who are now 15 and 17.
A couple of thoughts--we all have histories, some worse than others. I could write a list of my own life events here that would evoke significant sympathy. It would read as a better reason for me to drink away my problems... but I choose not to. Instead, I'm a full time single mom with a demanding, rewarding job who owns a home.
At my darkest I realized I was drinking a lot and was afraid I'd head down that path. I completely quit drinking while I worked through my issues and dug deep emotionally, through counseling and other avenues. It was hard work and in many ways I hated it. I do drink socially now.
My point is that I chose to take accountability for my life. As evocative as my sob story was, I was in charge of my future story, and I knew what I DIDN'T want it to look like.
Every day we make new choices that direct our lives. We independently own those choices. Nothing that has happened in anyone's past is a reason or excuse to stop living accountably. Please remember that as she reaches for those old excuses and blame.
Another thing--my X cheated multiple times. I have some friends whose spouses have cheated. The common theme I see there is a "seeking", an unhappiness with self and life and a desire to fill it with someone new, or the rush of the feeling. It's a drug, very similar to the alcohol used to do the same thing. Anvil is right, they're separate issues. But unless she does a lot of work on her inner self, BOTH issues will likely continue in some way, because she seeks to fill her needs externally. And she is so focused on her needs that you don't even enter her thoughts. The impact on you and the kids doesn't cross her mind. The incident with your daughter sounds horrible--yet your wife isn't really able to think about it and accept it...because to do so would require some serious personal honesty and reflection, and that would cause a lot of things to come tumbling down for her.
You sound like a good father and husband. I sometimes think it's even harder for men in this situation, because you're "supposed" to be the protector and provider. I'm a fixer too, but I don't feel a responsibility to fix an adult man. Hopefully you'll be able to find that line between protector and enabler. It sure is awfully unclear sometimes!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Just one more thing that helped me a lot after years of "I'm sorrys":
True remorse and apology is delivered with :
1) Acknowledgement of what occurred and the pain it caused
2) Thoughtful assessment of how to change behavior so it doesn't happen again--INCLUDING making those changes
Yes, we all fail sometimes. But apology without change is apologizing for being caught, with no intent to change. That's what I see when I read your post.
For me, when I started to look at the apologies that way, it made it more clear that my X was sorry he was caught, sorry I was angry or sad, but not planning to live differently.
True remorse and apology is delivered with :
1) Acknowledgement of what occurred and the pain it caused
2) Thoughtful assessment of how to change behavior so it doesn't happen again--INCLUDING making those changes
Yes, we all fail sometimes. But apology without change is apologizing for being caught, with no intent to change. That's what I see when I read your post.
For me, when I started to look at the apologies that way, it made it more clear that my X was sorry he was caught, sorry I was angry or sad, but not planning to live differently.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. Our stories are quite similar.
One thing I will say is that she is on prescription meds. Alcohol and Xanax can actually kill you. It caused my X to do absolutely CRAZY things. I too would be amazed, he would only drink a little and be wasted. That happens when you are mixing w/meds.
Another thing I will say is NEVER EVER leave your children w/her alone. Your utmost concern needs to be to protect your children. Having a depressed, alcoholic mother is a burden that they need help with, so get them that help.
I stayed so many years I should not have. My X did all the same stuff, and then some. Thing is, he was already out of control. He is still a pill addicted alcoholic. That is not going to change. What changed is me, and my children. I saw that I could not put up with it for one more second.
Get some face to face support. Counseling, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, whatever. Just get it. Keep coming back here to SR and vent away. There are wonderful people here who understand. At some point you have to put your children, and their best interests, first. Most times if you do that, all the other stuff falls into place.
I too felt sorry for my X even after he had done terrible things. Believe me, you get over that.
Hugs to you. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
One thing I will say is that she is on prescription meds. Alcohol and Xanax can actually kill you. It caused my X to do absolutely CRAZY things. I too would be amazed, he would only drink a little and be wasted. That happens when you are mixing w/meds.
Another thing I will say is NEVER EVER leave your children w/her alone. Your utmost concern needs to be to protect your children. Having a depressed, alcoholic mother is a burden that they need help with, so get them that help.
I stayed so many years I should not have. My X did all the same stuff, and then some. Thing is, he was already out of control. He is still a pill addicted alcoholic. That is not going to change. What changed is me, and my children. I saw that I could not put up with it for one more second.
Get some face to face support. Counseling, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, whatever. Just get it. Keep coming back here to SR and vent away. There are wonderful people here who understand. At some point you have to put your children, and their best interests, first. Most times if you do that, all the other stuff falls into place.
I too felt sorry for my X even after he had done terrible things. Believe me, you get over that.
Hugs to you. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
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