Lesson from a Car Crash
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Lesson from a Car Crash
My teen son slid off the road this weekend in ice--not hurt, but his car may be totaled.
He called right after, I asked if he was alright, and told him I'd be right there. I've been dating a man for three months who knows a lot about cars, so I asked him to come help me determine if it was drivable. It wasn't.
While I sat in DS's car and called the insurance company, BF apparently was telling him about the time he totaled his parent's car, and that these things just happen sometimes, not to be too hard on himself.
When we got home, DS stood in the kitchen and said- "Mom, why is he so nice? You've known him for a few months. Already he's been more helpful to me than my own father has ever been." And he burst into tears.
The next day he thanked me again for being so calm and said he was so glad dad was gone. He couldn't imagine what it would've been like if dad were here. In that moment as he talked, my body suddenly felt the surge of anxiety, adrenaline, and fear that I'd have experienced if XAH were here...I can only imagine what DS felt when he thought about it. Wow, I'm glad he's gone.
DS mentioned again how nice it was for BF to be kind. I told him--I think that's actually how people are supposed to behave. We spent years with someone who would judge, punish, and be angry--but you're SUPPOSED to make mistakes. And the natural human response should be concern and caring, not rage.
We've had great conversations over the last few days. DS said it's almost worth what happened to have experienced the kind response he did from a "man". (DS also knows he has to pay the insurance deductible and increase, so he's got consequences--but those don't matter because they're natural and not punitive "just because".)
I thought I'd share because so many of us have lived in eggshell houses. My kids and I are four years free--and still we remember vividly what a striking difference there is between peace & love and fear & anger.
I'm so grateful for peace. And so sad that my kids are still learning what's "normal". I can never undo the past, but I hope to continue re-teaching them with every mistake, every imperfection, and every failure.
No matter how long you've been in it and how old your kids are, you can always choose peace for yourselves and find a new way forward. Hugs to all of you still struggling.
He called right after, I asked if he was alright, and told him I'd be right there. I've been dating a man for three months who knows a lot about cars, so I asked him to come help me determine if it was drivable. It wasn't.
While I sat in DS's car and called the insurance company, BF apparently was telling him about the time he totaled his parent's car, and that these things just happen sometimes, not to be too hard on himself.
When we got home, DS stood in the kitchen and said- "Mom, why is he so nice? You've known him for a few months. Already he's been more helpful to me than my own father has ever been." And he burst into tears.
The next day he thanked me again for being so calm and said he was so glad dad was gone. He couldn't imagine what it would've been like if dad were here. In that moment as he talked, my body suddenly felt the surge of anxiety, adrenaline, and fear that I'd have experienced if XAH were here...I can only imagine what DS felt when he thought about it. Wow, I'm glad he's gone.
DS mentioned again how nice it was for BF to be kind. I told him--I think that's actually how people are supposed to behave. We spent years with someone who would judge, punish, and be angry--but you're SUPPOSED to make mistakes. And the natural human response should be concern and caring, not rage.
We've had great conversations over the last few days. DS said it's almost worth what happened to have experienced the kind response he did from a "man". (DS also knows he has to pay the insurance deductible and increase, so he's got consequences--but those don't matter because they're natural and not punitive "just because".)
I thought I'd share because so many of us have lived in eggshell houses. My kids and I are four years free--and still we remember vividly what a striking difference there is between peace & love and fear & anger.
I'm so grateful for peace. And so sad that my kids are still learning what's "normal". I can never undo the past, but I hope to continue re-teaching them with every mistake, every imperfection, and every failure.
No matter how long you've been in it and how old your kids are, you can always choose peace for yourselves and find a new way forward. Hugs to all of you still struggling.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What a great story! And rather than be sad that your kids are "still" learning this, be glad that they ARE. And they are learning important lessons that how you treat others--especially family--MATTERS. They might not have seen it so clearly without the contrast. (Not suggesting this makes their dad's abusive behavior any less bad--just noting that some lessons are underscored when you really see the results of both alternatives.)
So glad kiddo is OK and that he's taking this the right way. I've always felt everyone should have a major car accident, not involving injury, to learn how easy it is to lose control of a vehicle and how bad it could have been.
So glad kiddo is OK and that he's taking this the right way. I've always felt everyone should have a major car accident, not involving injury, to learn how easy it is to lose control of a vehicle and how bad it could have been.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Praying,
I know what you are talking about. I think the time my son was in a car accident, I really do think that he was wishing that he could have died in it.
So happy that your son is OK. Material things are just material things.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I know what you are talking about. I think the time my son was in a car accident, I really do think that he was wishing that he could have died in it.
So happy that your son is OK. Material things are just material things.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
in how nice it was for BF to be kind. I told him--I think that's actually how people are supposed to behave. We spent years with someone who would judge, punish, and be angry--but you're SUPPOSED to make mistakes. And the natural human response should be concern and caring, not rage.
Reading this loud and clear. I've experienced several "ah-ha" moments recently. The more I focus on me, and the kiddos, and meet and hang out socially with healthy people, my eyes have been opened to how things are SUPPOSED to be. Great post.
Reading this loud and clear. I've experienced several "ah-ha" moments recently. The more I focus on me, and the kiddos, and meet and hang out socially with healthy people, my eyes have been opened to how things are SUPPOSED to be. Great post.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thanks for posting this, Praying. My mom and I were discussing one of my younger sisters, who has been clearly unhappy in her marriage for years and years but won't divorce b/c she doesn't want to give up material things. I had said I was concerned about the lesson her kids were learning from this. My mom said she thought it might be like the children of an A, where they resolve to NOT be that themselves. I said "well, you could be right, they might decide this is what they DON'T want, but they will still have no idea what the thing they DO want looks like!"
I am so glad your son got a good clear look at what it is he WILL want to be and how he WILL want to live.
I am so glad your son got a good clear look at what it is he WILL want to be and how he WILL want to live.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
Praying....this is such a great post!!! Thank you for sharing...but I have to tell you in made me laugh out loud a tad when thinking back to my poorcex husband and his lovely family...he and his sister and mother would curse each other out on a fairly regular basis-I was told this was normal and to deal with it...thank GOD almighty my kids know this is not normal-and they know it's abuse and not healthy in any way.
Again-so incredibly happy you are out and happy you are able to see the fruits of your labor. Your kiddo sounds smart and adjusted (and obviously feels and sees the difference!)
Peace
Again-so incredibly happy you are out and happy you are able to see the fruits of your labor. Your kiddo sounds smart and adjusted (and obviously feels and sees the difference!)
Peace
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