Wisconsin

And I'm happy to report that she seems perfectly nice. She has a son close in age to DS. She's quite a bit younger than STBXAH, though, and you better believe that I spent several minutes feeling very bad for this woman and what awaits her and her son during a relationship with STBXAH. Exponentially worse if she has a child/children with STBXAH.

She's a drinker, so perhaps she will have an easier time of it. I hope that, if he treats her the way he treated me, she will have the backbone to walk away a lot sooner than I did. But that is not my business. She is perfectly pleasant to talk to, and I have no beef with her. I truly, honestly wish her and STBXAH the best. Hopefully they can be something positive for each other. I hope...oh lord, I hope...that he has grown, and that she will only ever see the wonderful parts of him.

Other than that, more will be revealed. It's another reminder that I need to get my focus back on myself. I'm starting to get into that rundown, overwhelmed place emotionally again. I've been sick (again) and it feels like the smallest things set me off lately. Time to regroup and hit the reset button to the best of my ability.

I've been re-reading ShootingStar's Crucible post. It is so very, very reflective of my feelings these days. For those of you who have not read it, I highly recommend it. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html

honeypig

I have that thread saved too, Wisconsin. It has been a guiding light for me on more than one occasion, for sure.

I'm glad that the GF seems decent and I hope it makes the joint parenting go a little easier.

Please do take care of yourself--it's so easy to keep running on the "reserve tank", especially during the holidays, and then all of a sudden we find that there's just no more there, no matter how we tip or tilt or squeeze it!

Keep warm, eat well, get enough sleep, tend to your spiritual needs, my friend. More hugs!

firebolt

Wow - I never read Shootingstar's thread until just now - so powerful!

I'm glad the X's gf seems nice - can't hope for much more than that! Hang in there - I feel ya on the 'funk.' I dunno if its the holidays, the new year, the election, the end of a rough year or what...but I need to press reset right along with ya.

Yeah, what Honeypig said - take good care of you, mama!

LexieCat

Just out of curiosity, are they moving in together? Or is this someone he's just dating right now?

Nata1980

Bless her heart. Her being nice is a win for DS for sure. Could have been much worse.

Take care of yourself and find comfort in a fact she is getting quite a prize.


And that you guys for sharing ShootingStar's post - great read

maia1234

It made me chuckle of who got the better deal..... you or the new girlfriend.

Hands down, you my friend!!

Take care of yourself, its a long winter.

Wisconsin

Just dating at this point, as far as I know (although they have CLEARLY been dating longer than STBXAH claims. I'm not an idiot).

LexieCat

No big deal, was just wondering. It's actually a good thing that they haven't just moved right in together. Gradual is easier on the kids.

Funny thing--it took me quite a while to realize the relationship between my first husband and the woman he married. She was always around, but he referred to her as a "friend." Even funnier, the week before the wedding, the kids were still referring to her as "our kid-sitter." I think they met because her brother is in AA . I said, um, she's actually gonna be your stepmom, so you need to think about calling her that, soon. They've always called her by her first name.

Wisconsin

Oh, I totally agree. I'm not in any hurry for them to shack up, and I don't think that STBXAH is, either. She works weird hours in health care, and it sounds like when she can, she spends the weekends with them at STBXAH's place. I suspect their relationship could carry on for a long, long time if they don't live together. STBXAH will have someone there on the weekends to attend to his creature comfort-type needs, but he doesn't have to put on his nice guy face 7 days a week, either.

Funny about your kids and their dad's "friend." For over a month STBXAH kept insisting that this woman was just his "friend." This man doesn't have female friends. He works in a 98% male trade. He might have women he talks to in bars, but he does NOT have close female friends. Not sure who he thought he was fooling with that story. Oh wait...I do! He thought he was fooling ME!

But that's just another page in the same, painfully long chapter of all the stupid, completely inconsequential things he has lied about to me for YEARS. I'm sure his PBR-soaked brain had a good reason for lying--possibly related to the fact that he behaved ATROCIOUSLY when he met my guy last summer, and he was worried I would do the same. But I told him time and time again that I only wanted to say hi to her, introduce myself, and shake her hand. Which is exactly what I did. We exchanged about 5 minutes of small talk, and then I excused myself so that they could enjoy the rest of their weekend. You know, like a FULLY FUNCTIONING GROWN UP would behave.

LexieCat

Well, my ex DID have a lot of female friends--many of them women from AA or wives of friends in AA--and it's totally possible the relationship started out that way. And really, it's none of my business. I found out in due time when it was obviously becoming serious (trying to recall if that was before I found out she was moving to Colorado with him).

Wisconsin

This is what I keep reminding myself. And it's not that I have a burning desire to know about their relationship. But there are times when I still struggle greatly with the fact that this man clearly thinks I am an idiot if he believes that I am buying his crap. And come on...even DS, who is SIX YEARS OLD, could tell they were romantic. He came home after one weekend and said "Mama, Daddy calls [GF's name] BABE!"

Nothing gets my goat faster than someone treating me like a moron. It's the biggest way I still engage with him, and I need to put some attention on that PRONTO, to help with detachment.

LexieCat

A "girlfriend" should be a friend, first and foremost. I don't know that he was bent on "fooling" you as much as he was just figuring the relationship was his business, until/unless it was appropriate to let you in on it. I know you think I'm giving him too much credit, but it really doesn't matter, does it? It's not like he was going around proclaiming he WASN'T seeing anyone romantically, or going to great lengths to hide it.

Yeah, it does sound like that's something you can work on. There are things like that for all of us.

Wisconsin

Indeed, Lexie!

dandylion

Well, Wisconsin....it sound like you took the higher road than he did...
Isn't it always funny that people behave differently when it is their own ox that is in the ditch!

hopeful4

Glad she seems nice. Hugs to you!

lizatola

Thank you for sharing about Shooting Star's thread, because I will now go find it and read it.
My bf's ex-wife tells the kids that all her boyfriends are just 'friends' and the kids come back and report back to us that she's dating someone else. She won't admit to my bf if she is actually dating these guys. And, actually, after 4 years since their divorce she hasn't had a man around for more than 6 months. I, personally, think she jumps the gun and lets the girls meet every guy she dates way too soon but we have no control over it.
The youngest told me this last week:
"if you and dad get married, I won't come to the wedding." I asked her why not. She said, "Because you guys kiss a lot!" So, I asked her, "Well, what if your mom gets remarried. Would you go to her wedding?" And she says, "Yes. Because she doesn't kiss her 'friend' in front of us!"
LOL, out of the mouths of babes, right? And, then she tells me that this guy spends the night at their house a lot. Yeah, he's just a friend....give us a break.

Glad you like the woman, though, Wisconsin. That really helps things when it comes to dealing with co-parenting issues, etc.
Despite our differences, I get along OK with my bf's ex-wife. She was over here on Saturday night for a birthday party for their oldest and she and I chatted for nearly 2 hours in my kitchen. Only issue I have with her is that she likes to bait me and tries to get me on her side about things and makes snarky comments about my bf, even if he's within earshot. I asked him the next day if it bothered him and he was like, "Liz, I tuned that woman out a long time ago, unless we're talking about the kids!" He truly didn't hear any of it but I had a few moments where I had to bite my tongue.

FeelingGreat

It helps enormously if you get on with the GF/wife, but it takes 2, and a bit of effort. My H married again and my 17 yo lived with them to be nearer work. DS and SM had lots of conflict, mainly about her tidiness, and his resentment of her. I made it clear that I didn't think she had it easy, although I had some sympathy for DS.

My positive attitude, and the fact that she didn't feel threatened by me, has resulted in a friendly relationship which has meant we can have family gatherings with zero stress. DS and SM now get on very well.

If it's possible to be positive and friendly towards and ex's partner, go for it. It can only benefit everyone involved.