Book recommendations
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Book recommendations
Some may remember me.
I still lurk and read quite a bit. Still on my own journey and learning anyway that I can.
Life is, well, life. DH will be four years sober on Feb 19th of this year, though, imo, he is far from recovered. He has traded alcohol for gambling. Thankfully I separated our finances four years ago as part of the conditions for working on our relationship. We co-exist. We have some good times. I manage the house and household bills - he pays his half. For now, as long as he pays his part - it is all I can ask for without getting involved in his mess (detach, detach, detach
) So while he gambles his life away, I am busy stashing all I can in savings and working on getting my diabetic cat into remission. Then, oh boy, then! I am planning a trip to Scotland (for starters)! I have almost come to terms that I will never have a nice house (I refuse to put my money into something that is "ours"), so I will save and plan vacations. I don't mind traveling by myself so I guess that is a good thing.
I thought I would stop by with a few book recommendations. I know when I was here on a regular basis - books recommendations were a G-d send. I listen to books (audible.com) on my commute and while running errands. It is my time alone, without interruption and I truly value the time I spend listening/learning.
Prayers for everyone.
Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away
Dr. Bethany Marshall
While the book mentions substance abuse as a deal breaker, it is more in the light of – if they have a problem and refuse to address it (i.e., get help) it is a deal breaker. Paraphrasing – If a partner acknowledges a problem (alcohol/substances) and will not take measures to resolve the problem – it is a deal breaker. If he will not acknowledge a problem - well, that is a deal breaker. But it covers many more issues and unhealthy relationships, in any sense.
I listened to this book 4 times – back-to-back. It was that good. I got a lot out of it.
From the book summary:
This is a book about men. Not all men, just emotionally unhealthy men. The ones who make you ask, "Is it him or is it me? Am I making too big a deal out of this? I try to tell him how I feel, but he says I'm overreacting or needy or it's all my fault". Relationships are hard work, but how hard should they be? When do you know you are struggling too hard to make a relationship succeed?
Deal Breakers is about getting out of this "relationship purgatory": where the present is unfulfilling and the future is the only thing you can hope for. But there is no magic future. If he won't work on problems today, it's unlikely they'll ever be resolved. And passively hoping for change will only cost you years of depression or expensive therapy.
Dr. Bethany Marshall is here to remind women that relationships, like business relationships, are deals. In the business world, a deal breaker is the one non-negotiable term that, if not agreed to, means the deal is off. But in the world of relationships, identifying your deal breaker can be much more promising, as it holds out the possibility of helping you to understand where the relationship has gone wrong, what needs to be done in order to make it better, and when to walk away because you're doing more work than him to fix it.
Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment
Karen Casey
I am currently listening to this book. I have always struggled with detachment. Especially when actions of others directly impact my life and life decisions. This book is both a meditation tool and teaching tool. Chapters are short and periodically given “reflection” assignments on what has been covered in previous chapter or chapters.
From the book summary:
So many of us spend so much time enmeshed in other people's problems, trying to solve or change them, that we don't really know where we end and they begin. Not reacting to people or situations that provoke us is not an easy skill to develop. It takes practice and conviction that not reacting, not increasing the drama, doesn't mean we don't care. On the contrary, we are freed to show genuine love and care only when we can detach from the knee-jerk need to fix, solve, rescue, or control. Even the idea that someone else can make us feel happy (or beautiful or angry) or we them is an illusion, says Casey in this remarkable book. All our feelings come from within and we get to choose how to respond to life.
The meditations in this power-packed little book provide us the tools we need to practice letting go of the illusion that we can control anyone or anything beyond our selves. Casey teaches us to focus on finding our own balance point and recognizing how to get to it whenever we find ourselves tempted to rescue or enmesh.
Take Me With You
Catherine Ryan Hyde
This is a sweet story about a recovering alcoholic that takes two brothers under his wing for a summer road trip. The brothers are neglected by their father who is an alcoholic. They meet by chance when the recovering alcoholic’s RV breaks down and the father of the two boys is the mechanic that repairs it. In the time it takes for the repair – the boys bond with the traveler and the father needs someone to take care of them for the summer. On the road trip the recovering alcoholic takes the two boys under his wing, teaches them about AA and the principles and how to cope – even taking them to a couple of AA meetings along the way. The boys and the recovering A bond for life and the rest of the book is about all of them growing and learning to accept what “IS”, applying the 12-steps in life and coping with the alcoholic father.
*this may be a good book to read with tweens – together to open dialog with what is happening in your own home environment* I would suggest you read it through to see if it is appropriate for your situation.
From the book summary:
August Shroeder, a burned-out teacher, has been sober since his 19-year-old son died. Every year he’s spent the summer on the road, but making it to Yellowstone this year means everything. The plan had been to travel there with his son, but now August is making the trip with Philip’s ashes instead. An unexpected twist of fate lands August with two extra passengers for his journey, two half-orphans with nowhere else to go.
What none of them could have known was how transformative both the trip - and the bonds that develop between them- would prove, driving each to create a new destiny together.
**
I am going to add one more thing after this post. It was something I read just a few weeks ago and thought it would be a good fit here.
I still lurk and read quite a bit. Still on my own journey and learning anyway that I can.
Life is, well, life. DH will be four years sober on Feb 19th of this year, though, imo, he is far from recovered. He has traded alcohol for gambling. Thankfully I separated our finances four years ago as part of the conditions for working on our relationship. We co-exist. We have some good times. I manage the house and household bills - he pays his half. For now, as long as he pays his part - it is all I can ask for without getting involved in his mess (detach, detach, detach
) So while he gambles his life away, I am busy stashing all I can in savings and working on getting my diabetic cat into remission. Then, oh boy, then! I am planning a trip to Scotland (for starters)! I have almost come to terms that I will never have a nice house (I refuse to put my money into something that is "ours"), so I will save and plan vacations. I don't mind traveling by myself so I guess that is a good thing.I thought I would stop by with a few book recommendations. I know when I was here on a regular basis - books recommendations were a G-d send. I listen to books (audible.com) on my commute and while running errands. It is my time alone, without interruption and I truly value the time I spend listening/learning.
Prayers for everyone.
Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away
Dr. Bethany Marshall
While the book mentions substance abuse as a deal breaker, it is more in the light of – if they have a problem and refuse to address it (i.e., get help) it is a deal breaker. Paraphrasing – If a partner acknowledges a problem (alcohol/substances) and will not take measures to resolve the problem – it is a deal breaker. If he will not acknowledge a problem - well, that is a deal breaker. But it covers many more issues and unhealthy relationships, in any sense.
I listened to this book 4 times – back-to-back. It was that good. I got a lot out of it.
From the book summary:
This is a book about men. Not all men, just emotionally unhealthy men. The ones who make you ask, "Is it him or is it me? Am I making too big a deal out of this? I try to tell him how I feel, but he says I'm overreacting or needy or it's all my fault". Relationships are hard work, but how hard should they be? When do you know you are struggling too hard to make a relationship succeed?
Deal Breakers is about getting out of this "relationship purgatory": where the present is unfulfilling and the future is the only thing you can hope for. But there is no magic future. If he won't work on problems today, it's unlikely they'll ever be resolved. And passively hoping for change will only cost you years of depression or expensive therapy.
Dr. Bethany Marshall is here to remind women that relationships, like business relationships, are deals. In the business world, a deal breaker is the one non-negotiable term that, if not agreed to, means the deal is off. But in the world of relationships, identifying your deal breaker can be much more promising, as it holds out the possibility of helping you to understand where the relationship has gone wrong, what needs to be done in order to make it better, and when to walk away because you're doing more work than him to fix it.
Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment
Karen Casey
I am currently listening to this book. I have always struggled with detachment. Especially when actions of others directly impact my life and life decisions. This book is both a meditation tool and teaching tool. Chapters are short and periodically given “reflection” assignments on what has been covered in previous chapter or chapters.
From the book summary:
So many of us spend so much time enmeshed in other people's problems, trying to solve or change them, that we don't really know where we end and they begin. Not reacting to people or situations that provoke us is not an easy skill to develop. It takes practice and conviction that not reacting, not increasing the drama, doesn't mean we don't care. On the contrary, we are freed to show genuine love and care only when we can detach from the knee-jerk need to fix, solve, rescue, or control. Even the idea that someone else can make us feel happy (or beautiful or angry) or we them is an illusion, says Casey in this remarkable book. All our feelings come from within and we get to choose how to respond to life.
The meditations in this power-packed little book provide us the tools we need to practice letting go of the illusion that we can control anyone or anything beyond our selves. Casey teaches us to focus on finding our own balance point and recognizing how to get to it whenever we find ourselves tempted to rescue or enmesh.
Take Me With You
Catherine Ryan Hyde
This is a sweet story about a recovering alcoholic that takes two brothers under his wing for a summer road trip. The brothers are neglected by their father who is an alcoholic. They meet by chance when the recovering alcoholic’s RV breaks down and the father of the two boys is the mechanic that repairs it. In the time it takes for the repair – the boys bond with the traveler and the father needs someone to take care of them for the summer. On the road trip the recovering alcoholic takes the two boys under his wing, teaches them about AA and the principles and how to cope – even taking them to a couple of AA meetings along the way. The boys and the recovering A bond for life and the rest of the book is about all of them growing and learning to accept what “IS”, applying the 12-steps in life and coping with the alcoholic father.
*this may be a good book to read with tweens – together to open dialog with what is happening in your own home environment* I would suggest you read it through to see if it is appropriate for your situation.
From the book summary:
August Shroeder, a burned-out teacher, has been sober since his 19-year-old son died. Every year he’s spent the summer on the road, but making it to Yellowstone this year means everything. The plan had been to travel there with his son, but now August is making the trip with Philip’s ashes instead. An unexpected twist of fate lands August with two extra passengers for his journey, two half-orphans with nowhere else to go.
What none of them could have known was how transformative both the trip - and the bonds that develop between them- would prove, driving each to create a new destiny together.
**
I am going to add one more thing after this post. It was something I read just a few weeks ago and thought it would be a good fit here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Lyssy, thank you for the book recommendations, I'm purchasing Deal Breakers today! Scotland sounds like a wonderful vacation for you! I hope your cat feels better soon, you are in my thoughts and prayers! <3
P.S. I LOVE your Simon the Cat avatar!
P.S. I LOVE your Simon the Cat avatar!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
The Importance of Honesty in Recovery
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...y-in-recovery/
Honesty is a Moral Characteristic
Honesty is one of the most respected of all moral characteristics. If it becomes known that a respected individual has behaved dishonestly, it can cause devastating harm to their reputation. Some types of dishonesty are more acceptable than others. Most people tell fibs or white lies from time to time – there is even therapeutic fibbing. Other people would claim that all types of dishonesty are bad.
Those people who are trying to rebuild their life after an addiction need to pay particular attention to honesty. They need to not only be truthful with other people, but more importantly with themselves. Failure to establish honesty as a personal quality may mean that the individual will be more at risk of relapse. It could also mean that they live a life in recovery that is not fulfilling – it could lead to dry drunk syndrome.
Dishonesty in Addiction
Those who become addicted to alcohol or drugs will usually live a life that involves plenty of dishonesty. This is because substance abuse is going to bring them in conflict with many people. In order to avoid such conflicts the addict needs to lie. So when their boss wants to know why they are not at work they might claim that they’ve picked up some type of stomach bug. The life of an addict tends to involve telling one lie after another, and more lies to cover previous lies. The most damaging of all will be the lies that the addict tells themselves.
All addicts rely on self-deception and denial in order to keep abusing their favorite chemicals. The evidence of the destruction caused by their addiction is usually plain for everyone else to see, but the addict is able to hide from this truth. It is only when the evidence of the destructiveness of their behavior becomes too overwhelming to ignore that most will develop a willingness to change. Honesty is what finally leads people into recovery, and it is this that then keeps them there.
Reasons for Dishonesty in Recovery
There are a number of reasons why people in recovery will behave dishonestly including:
* They fear the consequences of their actions and so lie to protect themselves from these consequences.
* Lying is a habit. The more people do it the more they are likely to do it in the future. It is easy to slip into the habit of lying until dishonestly just becomes an almost automatic response.
* Dishonesty can produce desirable outcomes both socially and economically. There is therefore the temptation to use this as a tool to fulfill desires. The problem is that the long-term consequences of dishonesty are usually negative.
* Addicts tend to lie without even realizing it. This is because they are so self-deluded that they are unable to see the truth. Even those who give up alcohol and drugs can still become self-deluded again in the future.
* Some lies may be said to protect other people and so may be considered relatively harmless. For example, if a friend pays for an expensive new haircut it might be hurtful to say that they don’t look very attractive. Another example of dishonesty that would be considered acceptable is telling children that Santa Clause is coming.
The Dangers of Dishonesty in Recovery
Dishonesty in recovery is dangerous because:
* It is a common relapse trigger. It means that the individual is returning to old ineffective coping strategies for dealing with life.
* The most common reason why people relapse after a period of sobriety is that they become stuck in recovery. This often happens because they have stopped being honest with themselves and other people. They feel unwilling to face a challenge on the path before them so they try to hide from it in denial. No further progress can occur until the individual can clearly acknowledge what the problem is and be willing to take action to remedy the situation.
* If friends and family find out about this dishonesty it can destroy any progress that has been made in rebuilding relationships.
* Programs such as the 12 Steps require that people are rigorously honest. If the individual begins to behave dishonestly it will mean that they will unable to benefit from this program.
* Dishonesty can lead to feelings of guilt afterwards. The individual who is dealing with too much guilt in recovery can find it hard to discover real happiness.
* It was the failure of the individual to be honest with themselves that kept them trapped in addiction. If they allow self deception to once again take hold of their life then they are likely to question the value of sobriety and the need to refrain from alcohol and drugs.
* Honesty allows for healing of the individual and those close to them. If people continue to be dishonest then it means that this healing will not take place.
* If people are attending any type of therapy then it is vital that they are truthful during these sessions. If there is no honesty there can be little benefit from such treatment.
How to Increase Honesty in Recovery
Honesty is a key element of any successful life away from addiction. It is therefore important that people develop this moral characteristic.
Here are a few ways to increase honesty in their recovery:
* The key to breaking away from dishonesty is to admit when it has occurred as soon as possible afterwards. Those who are in a Twelve Step fellowship will be asked to do this as part of step 10; continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted to it. It can be hard to own up to dishonesty, but it makes it harder to be dishonest in the future.
* Developing honesty is like building up muscles; the more people do it the more honest they become.
* Keeping a journal is a useful way to track behavior. It gives people the opportunity to look back on their day to look for any examples of dishonest behavior. Journaling also reduces the risk of becoming caught up in self-delusion because things appear clearer when they are written down on paper.
* If people do not value honesty then they will not put much effort into living a life that is built upon it. Therefore it is vital that the individual has a clear understanding of the importance of honesty, and the dangers of dishonesty in recovery.
* It is usual for people to play down the significance of certain lies – they can justify the telling of white lies. While there are times when telling a lie might be the less of two evils it is not a good idea to view any type of dishonesty in recovery as acceptable. Ideally the individual should be aiming for complete honesty; although they are unlikely to ever achieve this.
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...y-in-recovery/
Honesty is a Moral Characteristic
Honesty is one of the most respected of all moral characteristics. If it becomes known that a respected individual has behaved dishonestly, it can cause devastating harm to their reputation. Some types of dishonesty are more acceptable than others. Most people tell fibs or white lies from time to time – there is even therapeutic fibbing. Other people would claim that all types of dishonesty are bad.
Those people who are trying to rebuild their life after an addiction need to pay particular attention to honesty. They need to not only be truthful with other people, but more importantly with themselves. Failure to establish honesty as a personal quality may mean that the individual will be more at risk of relapse. It could also mean that they live a life in recovery that is not fulfilling – it could lead to dry drunk syndrome.
Dishonesty in Addiction
Those who become addicted to alcohol or drugs will usually live a life that involves plenty of dishonesty. This is because substance abuse is going to bring them in conflict with many people. In order to avoid such conflicts the addict needs to lie. So when their boss wants to know why they are not at work they might claim that they’ve picked up some type of stomach bug. The life of an addict tends to involve telling one lie after another, and more lies to cover previous lies. The most damaging of all will be the lies that the addict tells themselves.
All addicts rely on self-deception and denial in order to keep abusing their favorite chemicals. The evidence of the destruction caused by their addiction is usually plain for everyone else to see, but the addict is able to hide from this truth. It is only when the evidence of the destructiveness of their behavior becomes too overwhelming to ignore that most will develop a willingness to change. Honesty is what finally leads people into recovery, and it is this that then keeps them there.
Reasons for Dishonesty in Recovery
There are a number of reasons why people in recovery will behave dishonestly including:
* They fear the consequences of their actions and so lie to protect themselves from these consequences.
* Lying is a habit. The more people do it the more they are likely to do it in the future. It is easy to slip into the habit of lying until dishonestly just becomes an almost automatic response.
* Dishonesty can produce desirable outcomes both socially and economically. There is therefore the temptation to use this as a tool to fulfill desires. The problem is that the long-term consequences of dishonesty are usually negative.
* Addicts tend to lie without even realizing it. This is because they are so self-deluded that they are unable to see the truth. Even those who give up alcohol and drugs can still become self-deluded again in the future.
* Some lies may be said to protect other people and so may be considered relatively harmless. For example, if a friend pays for an expensive new haircut it might be hurtful to say that they don’t look very attractive. Another example of dishonesty that would be considered acceptable is telling children that Santa Clause is coming.
The Dangers of Dishonesty in Recovery
Dishonesty in recovery is dangerous because:
* It is a common relapse trigger. It means that the individual is returning to old ineffective coping strategies for dealing with life.
* The most common reason why people relapse after a period of sobriety is that they become stuck in recovery. This often happens because they have stopped being honest with themselves and other people. They feel unwilling to face a challenge on the path before them so they try to hide from it in denial. No further progress can occur until the individual can clearly acknowledge what the problem is and be willing to take action to remedy the situation.
* If friends and family find out about this dishonesty it can destroy any progress that has been made in rebuilding relationships.
* Programs such as the 12 Steps require that people are rigorously honest. If the individual begins to behave dishonestly it will mean that they will unable to benefit from this program.
* Dishonesty can lead to feelings of guilt afterwards. The individual who is dealing with too much guilt in recovery can find it hard to discover real happiness.
* It was the failure of the individual to be honest with themselves that kept them trapped in addiction. If they allow self deception to once again take hold of their life then they are likely to question the value of sobriety and the need to refrain from alcohol and drugs.
* Honesty allows for healing of the individual and those close to them. If people continue to be dishonest then it means that this healing will not take place.
* If people are attending any type of therapy then it is vital that they are truthful during these sessions. If there is no honesty there can be little benefit from such treatment.
How to Increase Honesty in Recovery
Honesty is a key element of any successful life away from addiction. It is therefore important that people develop this moral characteristic.
Here are a few ways to increase honesty in their recovery:
* The key to breaking away from dishonesty is to admit when it has occurred as soon as possible afterwards. Those who are in a Twelve Step fellowship will be asked to do this as part of step 10; continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted to it. It can be hard to own up to dishonesty, but it makes it harder to be dishonest in the future.
* Developing honesty is like building up muscles; the more people do it the more honest they become.
* Keeping a journal is a useful way to track behavior. It gives people the opportunity to look back on their day to look for any examples of dishonest behavior. Journaling also reduces the risk of becoming caught up in self-delusion because things appear clearer when they are written down on paper.
* If people do not value honesty then they will not put much effort into living a life that is built upon it. Therefore it is vital that the individual has a clear understanding of the importance of honesty, and the dangers of dishonesty in recovery.
* It is usual for people to play down the significance of certain lies – they can justify the telling of white lies. While there are times when telling a lie might be the less of two evils it is not a good idea to view any type of dishonesty in recovery as acceptable. Ideally the individual should be aiming for complete honesty; although they are unlikely to ever achieve this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I am currently reading The Fifth Agreement by Don Jose Ruiz & Don Miguel Ruiz, but I have read it before.
I recently finished The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon as a team-building piece for my job. I actually really liked the principles of it & suggested it for a couple of other businesses we associate with.
I listened to a couple of Carolyn Myss's seminars on audiobook - definitely a specific topic that may not be for everyone but there was definitely a LOT of truth in my experience related to her words. One was "Sacred Contracts" & I think the other was "Anatomy of the Spirit".
I am currently listening -for the 3rd time- to Brene's lecture series, "The Power of Vulnerability" which is a lecture series covering all of her guideposts to Wholehearted Living.
I recently finished The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon as a team-building piece for my job. I actually really liked the principles of it & suggested it for a couple of other businesses we associate with.
I listened to a couple of Carolyn Myss's seminars on audiobook - definitely a specific topic that may not be for everyone but there was definitely a LOT of truth in my experience related to her words. One was "Sacred Contracts" & I think the other was "Anatomy of the Spirit".
I am currently listening -for the 3rd time- to Brene's lecture series, "The Power of Vulnerability" which is a lecture series covering all of her guideposts to Wholehearted Living.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
I am currently listening -for the 3rd time- to Brene's lecture series, "The Power of Vulnerability" which is a lecture series covering all of her guideposts to Wholehearted Living.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Lyssy
I haven't listened to/read any of Brene's books but want to - any recommendations for the first one?
Daring Greatly was fantastic & speaks to her work in a way that applies to personal relationships, business team building, etc. Very, very good.
Then I'd go back & read her earlier work (Gifts of Imperfection, I Thought It Was Just Me [but it's not] ) when I had more time because they dig a lot deeper into personal layers/recovery type of work & relate to a lot of the background that went into Daring Greatly & Rising Strong. Of course, you could read them in order & grow along with her body of work as well, depending on what strikes you as most beneficial.
Rising Strong is her newest & I adore it but I think it has more impact to read last. HTH!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Thanks for the recomendations, I have added them to the book list.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-members.html
Mike
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-members.html
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
Loving What Is by Byron Katie; Mindfulness For Dummies; Wherever You Go There You Are and Mindfulness For Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn. All of these books are targeted toward helping getting you centered, living in the moment and giving you tools to deal with life's never ending curveballs. I believe in working on myself to be the best version of me I can be and then everything else kind of falls in place.
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