I am confused

Old 09-05-2001, 02:38 PM
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Post I am confused

I am a happily married mother of two toddlers. My husband and I have been together for almost three years. When we got together he had almost two years sobriety. Drinking never was a big deal to me so I adapted to his non-drinking life style easily. After we had been together for almost 2 years he comes to me and said "I think I'll go get some beer." He had said things like this before, just to blow off steam, according him. So when he said it this time I didn't think any thing about it until he came back with a 12 pack. At first everything was ok. His drinking was not getting out of hand, and life went on. Then this morning he comes to me and says my drinking is getting out of hand I need to get back in AA. This threw me for a loop. It is a good step for him and he IS sincere about getting help. I am just confused because I didn't realize things were out of hand. He had 9 beers in about a 5 to 6 hour period last night and was drunk and I couldn't tell. Everything else that has been going on I just wrote off to mood swings or stress. I just don't know where to start sorting this all out, any advice? I just need to talk to someone who will understand.
Old 09-07-2001, 10:13 AM
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hi. i don't have any real advice, but i wanted to lend understanding and encouragement. your husband wanting to get back to AA is a good thing, something to be glad for. my husband is in recovery, and if he came home with beers, i would be so freaked out. stay strong, and you would probably really benefit from an Al-Anon group.
my best,
Old 09-07-2001, 11:00 AM
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Thank you for your understanding. I had gotten used to being a non drinking coupl, then I got used to being a drinking couple now we are back to being a non drinking couple. I do prefer things this way. My husband never was as bad as I have seen some getting while drinking, but things are deffinately calmer when he doesn't.
Old 09-07-2001, 05:30 PM
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Pernell Johnson's Avatar
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Hello confused, here is some information for you to clear up confusion. The truth about alcoholics is,"one drink is to many, and a thousand is not enough"
The cycle of substance addiction is marked by three stages. The first or early stages is unfortunately deceptive. This is where everything kicks in and the drug provides a sense of positive reinforcement. The ability to function is often enhanced.
There is no clear delineation between the early and middle stages of addiction, but as the disease progresses, "the penal-ties...begin to outweigh the benefits. Instead of seeking a pleasurable high or lift, users are driven more by the need to avoid painful letdown or withdrawal.
During the late stage of addiction, any previous control over intake is lost. Psychological and/or physiological dependence becomes more marked.. This stage is characterized by the development of severe physical and psychosocial problems. Drug or alcoholuse is continued despite threatened or actual loss of friends, significant other, job, etc.
Where are you at on this continuum? Alcohol Anonymous is good. Al-Anon is good and necessary, you have no idea of the damge done until you attend and participate. God Bless you and your family. Stay in touch, we are here for you.
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Old 09-07-2001, 06:01 PM
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(((Confused))) I don't think I can be of much help to you but I just wanted you to know I Care and I hope your husband gets the help he needs.Admitting to himself that he has a problem with drinking and is willing to do something about it is a big plus.I grew up in a alcholic family and am now having to watch my son destroy his life in the same way and he refuses to get any help.I have come to realize that no matter how hard I try to make him understand the damage he is doing he is the only one that can make the change.Good Luck to you and your hubby. God Bless
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Old 09-08-2001, 06:04 PM
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Thank God that your husband has figured it out fairly early in the game that drinking will take over his life again if he allows it to. He's been there, done that already.
I pray all of the time that my husband will take another shot at recovery, but it seems like I have more faith in him than he has in himself 'cause he won't even try. He says that he knows that he needs to "put it down" but he doesn't want to, even though we're facing a jail term of up to 1 year for DUI. I say "we" because, while he's the one behind bars, my daughter and I will be paying for his mistake at home. He believes (still) that he is the only one affected by his drinking and that I shouldn't have a problem with it. He may get a major come-uppance by the time he gets out- We may not be waiting for him this time. It pretty much depends on whether this is his "bottom" this time- he's used to the "Cake-walks" of Massachusetts jails- Southern jails are a whole different world of hurt. Maybe this time???
I've already made the decision to leave if he doesn't make a commitment to sobriety during his sentence, and maybe it's cruel to leave him in an area where he really knows no-one, but if that's the choice he makes, then he can handle it on his own.
Oops- sorry- went a little off track there. Thanks for listening, and good luck to you.

Old 09-09-2001, 02:59 PM
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Hello Confused....LJM... Sophiemaxie....

I wonder. LJM, you say your husand thinks he is the only one affected by his drinking. My addict, "Dino" would sometimes say very similar things, but on the other hand, sometimes used the suffering he was causing me or his family as an excuse to use. The "guilt" of his abuse led him to abuse more. Talk about a viscious circle.
It is so very hard to accept that an addict believes they are the only one they are hurting. Deep down, I'm betting he knows better, and I would chalk that one up to denial. Please don't feel guilty about refusing to resume your life with him if he doesn't make a commitment to sobriety. I had to stop feeling guilty about the loan sharks and drug dealers that regularly threatened Dino when I didn't come up with the cash he owed them. When he got roughed up, I could only say and think "you chose this". Fortunately, he seems to be making better choices now.
You have the right to make choices about your own life. Among those, to not have an addict causing havoc for you. The next choice is his.

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