Temporary Orders Hearing - Advice Needed

Old 01-12-2017, 07:47 AM
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Temporary Orders Hearing - Advice Needed

Hi all - My divorce papers were filed yesterday and AH will be served (hopefully) today or tomorrow if he leaves the house...And that brings me to my topic. I am going to be asking that I have primary custody, that I have exclusive possession of the home and that visitation be supervised due to my AH's drinking problem, anger problems and unpredictability. The problem is that in the past year and a half, since he had severe raging that was witnessed by friends, we see almost no one. He only goes to the grocery store each day. Anything that almost anyone knows about him is second hand through me, so I am pretty much the only witness to his recent behaviors. Does anyone have any advice about types of evidence? My basis is feeling shaky right now.
Thank you, WT
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Old 01-12-2017, 08:12 AM
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(((HUGS)))

THe fact that people stay away is a good thing to note. Do you have incidents written down - dates etc? Also, the previous witnesses - would they write a letter for you? Have you been to a counselor that might write a letter for you? If anything happens moving forward - call the police. That's the best documentation.

Hang in there - stay confident. If you're like the rest of us, you've been through the wringer!
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Old 01-12-2017, 08:43 AM
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Prayers for you through the court process. Basically what you are requesting is what I received in my final decree. I typed about 4-5 pages worth of documented "note-worthy" drug/alcohol related events that had occurred from the previous two years to date. I only say note-worthy because I did not type everything that would happen on a daily basis but the big blow ups. I had to read these things to the judge. A parent testified briefly on my behalf regarding the children and lack of my ExAH's involvement in all matters relating to them. I also requested drug/alcohol testing, anger management course, and a parenting class (which my ExAH never showed for), a drug/alcohol evaluation to be performed by a professional (which was excellent). Soberlink, the judge ultimately decided against since the visitations wound up being supervised. Initially, for the temporary orders, the judge did grant unsupervised visitations but with random drug/alcohol testing and if he failed to comply the visitations would revert to supervised until our next court date (which is what happened) and how I was able to achieve supervised visitation in the final decree.

Big hugs. I was so nervous the first time I attended court, just know that it does get easier. I tried to stick to the facts, and remain as unemotional as possible (I still choked up when I was asked about the children). Don't get angry at his attorney (if he has one). Even if you don't get everything you are wanting at the first hearing, it is far from the final decree. I tried to look at it as a positive and the end result was the court was giving him the rope, it was up to him what he did with it. Not something I could control.

I also noted to the court that I had been attending Al Anon regularly since leaving.

I was a completely different person at the final decree than when I showed up for the first temporary orders. I went no-contact with ExAH before filing and that has also been a God send for my sanity. A family member is designated in the decree as the facilitator for the supervised visitations and Our Family Wizard is in place for any other issues. I was also able to obtain a permanent injunction against him trying to use other means to contact me in the final decree.

I don't know if any of that helps you, just my ESH. Stay strong!
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Old 01-12-2017, 08:47 AM
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My ex was the same way...only I witnessed the abuse and mental unhinging...and just plain psychotic incidents. Others started to see it though...but I did keep a journal for years in case I ever needed it-and I did. I also took pictures of items he broke and threw during rages and discussed all with my therapist and the kids therapist as they witnessed some of his evil.

I would say document everything you can recall-and ask witnesses to write statements for you-to protect your children. My thought is if he's so far gone, it won't be long until he totally goes off the deep end or more than likely will not want to be involved in his kids lives (this from someone who's ex threatened continually while we were married and after divorce but has chosen to not be involved in his kids lives for more than two and a half years). They are a lot of talk....nothing more.

I was granted soberlink for my ex and he has failed so many tests they shut his device off and deactivated his account last year....push for soberlink...it's worth every penny!

I too was so nervous at the beginning, where you are now....but flash forward to the final divorce hearing and when my ex lost all rights to his kids two years ago? I was no longer afraid, I was strong and brave-and you will be too...just keep taking another step forward!

Please keep us updated!!!! Wishing you peace and strength...I remember his I felt at the time of temporary orders-it's hard but you can do it - stay strong for those kiddos!!
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:40 AM
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The problem is that in the past year and a half, since he had severe raging that was witnessed by friends, we see almost no one
You can ask these friends if they would write an affidavit to what they witnessed. You can also gather your thoughts and write down all the reasons why you stayed with him despite his rages. If the reason he is home all day and not working is due to his drinking, make sure you state that as well.

It really comes down to your word vs his word especially when you don’t have written facts or police reports or eye witnesses.

I think the more facts with dates and times you could provide a judge on the incidents might help your case.
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Old 01-12-2017, 12:16 PM
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I will add that if you have actual concrete dates of events that may help you. It really really depends on your judge. What does your attorney think your chances are?

Hugs to you!
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Old 01-12-2017, 12:35 PM
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I am going through a custody battle right now with my soon to be ex. I never thought he would fight back and be so nasty. I am asking for sole physical responsibility and supervised visits until clean drug tests. We have hired a guardian ad litem which we are splitting the cost. So far she has been good and is gathering as much information as posssible. I had a ton of text messages and emails where he admitted to his addictions as well as family and friends who were able to confirm his suspicious behavior throughout our relationship. As others have stated, a journal is a good idea. It's a rough road but you will get through it. Just keep being that strong voice for your children and don't give him any slack.
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Old 01-14-2017, 04:18 PM
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Thanks everyone. Unfortunately, letters and affidavits are not admissible per my attorney. Anyway, AH wants to talk so wee are meeting with my attorney on Monday. I am going in with no expectations. He says that it only makes sense that son and I live in the house, but I'm suspecting that he wants something related to visitation in return. We shall see. I would be so happy to not go to court on Thursday, but will prepare as if I'm going to.
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