Just want to feel heard...
 

Hi there...

I know my story is like so many others. Today, though, I just want to share and feel understood. Heck, advice would be appreciated too.

My husband started drinking heavily when things got stressful in our lives. It didn't take long for it to feel like a problem: days off spent drinking and passing out; lying about it, stashing bottles, disappearing for a night or two without a word. Twice, he admitted there was a problem and went through withdrawals when he quit cold turkey...which scared the crap out of me, but his sobriety didn't last long.

I fell into typical codependency patterns. I eventually started Al-Anon and learned how to take care of myself, how to disengage when he was drunk...but it was easier said than done. We had two particularly bad fights. Shortly after those, on a non-eventful day when we had dinner plans, he didn't come home. No calls, no texts. It wasn't the first time this happened, but it was the first time it happened on a day where nothing had triggered him.

The beginning of our friendship and relationship had been strong, equal, balanced. We respected each other, our individuality. I'd never felt more loved. We shared success and failure. It felt...untouchable. So to have him disappear out of the blue (and no, I've never doubted his loyalty to me, so cheating wasn't a concern) was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I moved out.

This shocked him into recovery. We saw a therapist for about three months. He didn't go to AA, but he read books and slowly cut back on the amount he was drinking. He stayed over at my place often, but when he hit a relapse, he wasn't allowed to come over: it was a boundary I'd set. He had two bad ones, but they happened early on.

Fast forward to 5 months later. He'd been doing really well. He cut back on drinking, convinced he could handle it (he limited himself to 1-2 a night) but then he began bringing a bottle of wine home. Granted, this is only about two glasses each anyway...but this was the third bottle he'd brought into the apartment within 8 days. I finally admitted that while I wanted to support his decision to limit his drinking, I was getting uncomfortable with the frequency.

He got mad and told me I needed to grow up (there's 10 years difference between us), that all of our fights were fights I'd picked, that I'm the one with the problem and not him. He said he just wanted peace, and that I was the one who was trying to control him. That he hates that I left him. That he shouldn't have to drive across town to see his own wife. That this was all ridiculous, and I was the reason he started stashing and lying to begin with. That I don't accept him for who he is. That he doesn't care what I think, that he'll do what he wants.

And he walked out.

This was two days ago.

Today, I'm exhausted and I find myself wondering if his drinking got worse because of me. I desperately want to explain to him how that's unfair to say, but I don't know how when I know my issue with codependency was pretty bad: it took me a long time to accept the truth of everything, and during that time I picked fights regularly. I'd get mad if he was drunk. I'd accuse him of not caring. I'd go looking for stashed bottles and find them. I threatened to leave many times. I wasn't interested in being intimate with him anymore....It got pretty horrible.

I've tried owning my side of it. I've read the codependency books, and have tried making changes on my own end for both our benefits. But on a day like today, I wonder if I'm the one who's toxic for him. If I'm the one who has pushed him to this place because I couldn't handle his choice to drink so much.

Does that make sense?

I read "Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change" and I understand how relapse can be an important part of getting sober. How getting sober works like any other big change we try to make: motivation is hard to grow and maintain...

But I'm tired of walking on eggshells and trying my hardest to have the "right attitude" and the "right reactions" to what happens. I feel hopeless today; like this marriage to this man I was so in love with is going to be ripped away from me because of his stubborn inability to just see what it's doing to us.

.............oh man. I'm sorry this turned into a book. Please, if you can offer anything back, I'm here to read.

Just trust your head in this- not your heart. You matter-look after you. Al-anon may help.
My sincerest thoughts, prayers and support to you.

His drinking got worse because he is an alcoholic. You did not cause his alcoholism and you can neither control nor cure it either.

It's every alcoholic's dream to be able to moderate and drink like a "normal person", but it's a fantasy. Alcoholism is progressive.

What is true is that you are the one who has a problem with his drinking. Unless and until HE has a problem with it, nothing will change unless you change it.

Sending you strength and courage. Keep reading, keep writing, this is a great place to feel heard.

Nope, nope, and nope. You don't get to own this. His choice is to drink, and.....to blame you.
This is classic alcoholic behavior. Blame someone else for your crummy choice. Please don't buy it.
Take care of yourself. Keep your boundaries strong, because he is pushing against them. Again, that is what alcohol dependent people do.
If he drinks, he doesn't come over. Your home, repeat YOUR home, is alcohol free. No justification or arguing. End of story.
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you sure can't control it. Your husband has his path to walk; you have yours.
The thing with alcoholics is that they are really, really good at making their aberrant, dysfunctional behavior seem, well, normal. Drinking to excess every day is not normal. Most people don't do it. Good luck. Peace.

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but this is my husband and me too. I need to grow up and be mature - but both of us are about to be 50. I'm the one who has held a job for the entirety of our relationship. I'm the one that handles our child's school activities. I'm the one who provides the insurance, schedules family vacations, etc. even when dealing with an AH that walks out in the middle of a work week during the summer when there is no one to stay with our child. Very mature and grown up if you ask me, but he tells me the same things that you hear, and I think many of the same things that you think. I'll be 80 and he'll still be calling me a teetotaler and a prude because I think he has a drinking problem.

I think you are witnessing many truths with your situation BUT YOU CAUSING HIM TO DRINK IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Don’t accept his cowardly blame on you for his own short comings and denial of the depth of his drinking issue.

Normal people do not drink excessively when under stress. Normal people do not then blame someone else for having drank and for drinking often.

The one thing he is correct with is that you are not accepting him for exactly who and how he is. He’s an alcoholic and nothing is going to change that. Even if he does seek sobriety with help and a strong program, he will still be an alcoholic just a sober one.

Please listen to what he is saying because right now he is telling you his truths….he wants to drink, he wants you to just accept that and not have any issues with it…………….is that the life you want to live? Is that the kind of marriage you want?

I think the healthiest decision you made was to leave, now the time has come to a more permanent decision. Go back and live as he wishes you to live or stay out and seek a legal separation and detach from his untreated alcoholism.

It’s not about you owning your side of the street or having the right attitude or walking on eggshells………..that’s no way for anyone to live…………..it’s about what you want out of life.

He’s already told you and showed you what he wants out of life. It’s never easy to accept but it’s so much more painful holding onto a wish/dream/fantasy that most likely won’t come true.

Mine too tells me to grow up (we have a 6 year age gap) while he's yelling rude things to me.

You sound like a strong woman and I think the decisions you've made thus far are very brave.

I hear you <3

You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it.

Alcoholics are famous for accepting NO responsibility so many times. Not all of them, but a huge majority. I mean NO responsibility, none, zero, zip.

You did not do this. He is deflecting any and all responsibility and trying to guilt you into accepting him as he is, an alcoholic. Only you can decide if you can live like that.

Hugs to you. Please don't let anyone make you think you caused this!

I know very few alcoholics who will make a sincere effort to quit drinking until they hit rock bottom hard enough to bounce. Even then, sobering up is not the same thing as being in recovery. Being in recovery means you're ready and willing to learn what a sober life has to teach you. That's the main reason I go to AA meetings. For me quitting drinking was only the very tip of what I needed to do. I needed to learn how my decisions and my insane thinking affects other people. Your husband doesn't seem willing to go that route right now. Unfortunately, many of us will choose alcohol over our wives and families. Now is the time for you to look after you. Like the other posters have mentioned, none of this is your fault, and there's nothing you can do to make him stop. If he doesn't want to do it, it's his loss, not yours. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

know what all... this is a scene played out all over .. for the same reasons.. they can not stop for anything.. my big fear Ed will start smoking weed again for health reasons.. really Health reasons and then the tummy starts to get better and the drinking starts and then back to the pills round and round and round.. I am not the problem here I am the one that takes you to the hospital and stays for hours days and weeks and has put my life on hold to try and get you better so we can have a life again...

Ladies and if there is a Gent here.. it will not stop WE ARE NOT THE PROBLEM or THE REASON... nope .. they just cannot stop themselves until the end happens... sorry... but true true true..
we stopped drinking because we realized that it was not good for us health or mental wise... and I can stay stopped with a lot of help from one person only ME....just ME.. because I want too...
but our loved ones.. it has to be them in control of them to stop and find out what life was to be happy again.... Judy Garland 47 years old over self medicated and died... in the bathroom by herself... no matter what someone else tried to do... and there are so many like this.. my hubby being just one guy in a huge pond... of screaming people going legalize it it will stop the problems. no kids and beans it will just kill more off and harm so many in the path of the taker.... of the drink the smoke or the pills... sorry love to you all and so many prayers.. just a lady clown.. trying to find a smile... in life...

Nah. He's just quack quack quacking. And he'll continue to do that while he continues this dance with his alcoholism. Alcoholics CAN NOT moderate comfortably or reliably. He's chasing an impossible dream. And I suspect that he knows this from the books he's read.

When the heat is on, active alcoholics lie. They gaslight. They manipulate.

No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do about your relationship, but it sounds to me like he's not reached a stage where he wants to stop drinking, or change. He just wants to find a way to keep drinking and keep you. Of course he does. I suppose it's your job to decide whether what he's doing is enough for you.
Ultimately if I he wants to drink, he will drink. Recovery is about stopping being active in our damaging addictions, and finding better ways to live life on life's terms. It's hard work, and no one can do it for us. Do you think something is likely to change and he's about to start doing what he needs to in order to get better? If not you may have some decisions to make at some point.

I'd second the suggestion of AlAnon. Just because he doesn't want to recover from the impact of his drinking and get some support, doesn't mean to say you can't.

Nooooooooooooo, unless you tied him down and poured alcohol down his throat. Alcoholism is progressive, it's the nature of the disease and has nothing to do with you. Using the carrot/stick approach (you can stay here if you don't drink) doesn't work. In 25 years of AA meetings and thousands of stories about how recovering alcoholics got sober I never heard one say it was because of another person. I suggest increasing Alanon meetings, getting a sponsor if you don't have one because the situation will only change when you take action.

Thank you to everyone who wrote. On any other day when I don't feel so emotional, it's easy for me to think about all of this objectively and remember that:

1) I didn't cause his alcoholism, and I can't control or cure it.
2) The blame is not for me to own.
3) He is telling me his truths, as much as I have a hard time accepting it.

I think that's where I get stuck. When he relapses, he always says that he just wants to be who he is...and I feel like there's so much more to him than the man who chooses to drink.

Often, it feels like I'm in love with two separate people: the man who drinks, and the man who is sober sometimes. And the man who is sober steals my heart every single time, because I know his heart—and it's amazing, generous, gentle, loving. Then the drink comes into play, and those good qualities go out the window. I keep fighting for that man I know is under the alcohol to come out and chase the alcoholic away...

But on a day like today, it feels like a losing battle.

When it comes to these ups and downs, I don't feel like I can handle the downs. I'm really good at the self-care thing. I've been trying to break the codependent habits as much as I can. But I'm not sure I want a life like this: I don't want to wake up 20 years down the line and still be facing the same issues.

That's hard as hell to admit. Even to myself.

I understand what you are saying, Anchored, and I am very sorry about your situation. It's hard to see the people we love self-destruct.
But, your husband's choice is his choice, and it doesn't seem to include you, though you are deeply affected by it.
It is selfish, but it isn't personal. It is what alcoholics do.
You have clearly thought a lot about this. Only you can decide when enough is enough.
Living with an alcoholic is not easy, and it won't get easier as he gets older and the condition progresses. Good luck. Peace.

Hi Anchored. I'm super glad you have found us. And hope the responses have been helpful.

Also congrats on the work you have done in Alanon. It sounds like you have made great strides.

Sober recovery is a great site to add to the tool box that you have developed. Come here when you feel like this >>>> "Today, I'm exhausted and I find myself wondering if his drinking got worse because of me. " As you see, there are many of us to reassure you that the drinking is not because of you and that you are taking the best steps to make recovery for both of you possible.

One other point that you probably know is that if you want to see how far along an alcoholic is in recovery, tell them, "No.". Their reaction will reveal a lot. Expressing your discomfort with the wine, gave you a good picture of how he is doing . . . i.e. not well.

I hope you are thinking about what you want for your future and what the next step might be. Let us know how it goes.

Big hug to you brave lady!

"When he relapses, he always says that he just wants to be who he is...and I feel like there's so much more to him than the man who chooses to drink."

Of course there is, but your dream of how he could be is not his dream. That may never change.

My husband was a carpenter, a wood worker, a computer programmer, a punster, a story teller. He didn't choose to be an alcoholic, but it was his choice not to seek help. I don't know why, but he didn't. He died seven years ago, but the man I married started disappearing years before that.

You can't make him want what you want.

I hear you! You came to a right place.

Completely agree with posters above - this is typical alcoholic behavior - denial, blaming, "you make me drink"

Don't feel bad or wrong for feeling this way - I have divorced my XAH a while ago - but once in a while he gets to me with "it is all your fault" thing - and I still question myself, even when it is completely illogical. I have to stay in touch because of our son....

XAH can be literally whining about not being able to see his son and then minutes later complaining that suggested visitation day does not work for him and he ain't my babysitter. I know one thing - I will never be able to win this fight or prove him wrong - I am learning to just shrug the quacking off.

I am sure there is more to him that this - but person is a sum of his/her behaviors - it does not really matter that "he is a good guy", he needs to act like one. If he acts like crazy raging alcoholic he is - that is his representation to the outside world.

Search for quackers thread - it is amazing.:You_Rock_

The thing is, he wants to drink, and feels frustrated and ashamed. His outburst about drinking because of you reflects his need to remove anything in the way of increasing his intake.
A's only keep the cravings alive by thinking they can moderate. That's where your AH is now; in a constant battle with himself. Until he accepts he has to stop altogether, that's where he's going to stay.

My exah also thinks he can moderate. He went through 3 months in rehab and still came out thinking he could drink responsibly. He can't. One is too many and a thousand never enough. He is now on a huge bender again cos he moved to where I am living and doesn't like it so it's my fault and his boys fault he is here. His classic response will be ..... have a detox at some point in the future when he can no longer carry on drinking and pretend he was "ill" His detoxes are just to make room for him to carry on drinking. They are never about stopping. I do not know how anyone on this forum lives with active alcoholics. I did for many years and now I am not I have zero patience for him and his antics. It's old, boring and there's a whole world out there away from it. One he does not want to join.

We can’t date or be married to “potential” we have to live in the here and now.

Nope, not 2 separate people – one in the same. Dr. Jekyll always comes along with Mr. Hyde. That’s why coming to acceptance can be so hard. We hold onto that other person, the one with potential or who was for a brief time able to keep their act together.

The outcome for that scenario or worse is pretty high giving the fact he does not want to address his drinking issue today or in the near future.

This board is filled with people who did stay that 20 years and now 20 years later are having to re-bujld their lives all over again at an older age. Me, I stayed about 10-11 years too long. If I had known what I know today about addiction, denial and enabling I would have run out that door and not looked back instead of sticking around for more hurt and pain and disappointment.