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Old 01-12-2017, 08:30 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Atalose has nailed it, Anchored. My alcoholic sib lives with my mother. Several years ago we put him out of her house because his drinking was so bad. He went through detox, then to a sober house for a few years. He lobbied my mother constantly to come back home, and my other sib and I finally gave in.
Of course, he started drinking again, and it is as bad, if not worse, than it was. If I had known then what I know about this terrible condition of alcohol dependency, I would not have let him return to mom's house. Too late smart, as they say. Peace.
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Old 01-12-2017, 01:40 PM   #22 (permalink)
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So where does compassion come into play?

I've been chewing on this for the last two days: I know my AH has been flip-flopping between admitting he has a problem, to vehemently denying it and blaming me for his actions and drinking. I keep hoping he'll hit his ah-ha moment (or rock bottom) and realize he wants the good that comes with a sober life...but how long do you wait for one or the other to stick?

I guess it comes down to how much patience and sanity you have? I feel fresh out, at the moment. I'm sitting on an email that basically yells "stalemate!"

A quote from the actual email:

Quote:
The part that breaks my heart is this: the more I try to advocate for your sobriety, the more you will feel controlled and disrespected. Which means this is what stalemate looks like. Because if you keep drinking, and I keep hating alcohol, you will continue to lie, and I will continue to be hurt. I will continue to believe you have no control over your drinking, and you will believe you do. I will continue to claim all of this has happened is because you use drinking to cope with your anger, and you will continue to blame me. I will continue to believe I've tried everything I can to save our marriage, and you will believe that my moving out was me choosing to leave you. Our love will eventually be replaced by the constant fighting and resentment and blame. And I don't want to see us get to place where we get bitter and angry, because I believe in the love we shared at the start of this.

This is what irreconcilable differences looks like. Is this what the start of our divorce will look like?
I'm sad to admit it feels like the most vicious of circles, and there's no breaking it until he magically wakes up and decides to get sober, or if I divorce him.

I also am sad to admit that if he does get sober, I don't know how I feel about the possibility of a relapse 3, 5, 20 years down the line and going through this pain again.

So as I asked: where does compassion come into play?

I took vows. I meant my vows. But I liked how it said (I think in Beattie's book) that if we'd known we were signing up for the worse part, the sickness part, the darker part, our decision to marry may have been different...

Also: I have VERY much appreciated your insights and responses. I would have normally been sent into a tailspin, but my own recovering and then this message board has been incredibly helpful.
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Old 01-12-2017, 01:54 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Start with compassion for yourself. Accept him for where he is right now, not where you wish or hope he was, and make your choices accordingly.

He already knows everything you can possibly say in that email. He just doesn't want it to be true. One of you will have to come out of denial eventually, and the sooner you do, the better it will be for both of you. I have to tell you, you already have one foot out of denial, and are way, way ahead of him in this regard.
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Old 01-12-2017, 02:04 PM   #24 (permalink)
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See one of things you are trying to do is use feelings, rational and logic in your communication with him. All he’s going to see/hear is bla-bla-bla- don’t drink-bla-bla-your drinking – bla-bla-bla and resent you even more for trying to use “feelings” to manipulate him.

How about you just cut to the chase and say I don’t want to live like this anymore!

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So as I asked: where does compassion come into play?
YES, start with COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF.
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Old 01-12-2017, 02:11 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Thank you for those two replies. Man...you just tugged at my heart strings. SO true. SO right.
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Old 01-12-2017, 02:23 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anchored View Post
So where does compassion come into play?
It helped me to get clear on what compassion/sympathy/empathy actually ARE:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-empathy.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ompassion.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ompassion.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ord-again.html
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Old 01-12-2017, 06:54 PM   #27 (permalink)
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he never DID recovery.....he only reined in the amount he drank.....for a time. meaning he was ALWAYS feeding the beast.

you didn't sign up for this. your life should not be centered around whether or not another person can face their own problems and deal with them. you have your own set of problems to face.

sometimes we have to make decisions we don't like. but we can't click our heels, or wave our wand and make it all ok. we can't make others be anyone other than who they are right now.
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:29 AM   #28 (permalink)
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So where does compassion come into play?

I had compassion is spades for him and I realised eventually it was wasted on him. He didn't want compassion, he wanted the housekeeping to drink. I woke up, cut my losses and got out. That was compassion for myself and ultimately my kids. It came too late for my older ones tho. Their childhoods got ruined. Nothing can give them that time back. I bitterly regret not listening to wise people on here in 2009 and letting him stay moved out then.
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