New poster here, but longtime lurker
 

Hi everyone. I just registered today, but I have been lurking on these forums for nearly 3 years. Everything that I have read has helped me a lot. In the time I have been a lurker, I have separated from my AW, started to clear my head, but reconciled 6 months later and let the roller coaster ride continue. We have been married almost 10 years, and have no children together, but each have an older child from previous relationships.

My AW has been a heavy drinker our entire relationship. Gas lighting is the norm, along with the typical blame game. She gets drunk every chance that she gets. I have tried to "keep the peace" by not engaging when she is ranting, but that only builds up my resentment for her. When I have tried to have serious talks about how I am affected by the alcohol abuse, I hear from her that I am selfish and only care about myself. I have also been identified as the cause of the alcohol abuse.

I know that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. I feel so helpless and so worn down. I lover her and want her to get help, but, I see that has to be her choice. I want to leave again, but I can't bring myself to do it this time.

Thanks for listening.

Hi wontbeme, and welcome. I'm glad you decided to start posting. In my experience, it really helps to express how you're feeling and to hear from others in similar boats, as well as those who have figured out a way to shore.

One of the big realities you probably already know from lurking, right? The only life we can change is our own. For me, once I focused on that and stopped trying to figure out how to change my STBXAH, I was able so see what I needed to do. I visualized it, and I did it. It's not easy to make a change, but at a certain point staying stuck is even harder.

Welcome, and keep posting. It really helps. There is a lot of experience and wisdom here.

Welcome...sorry that you had to find this forum, but there is a bunch of great people on here that can help. Read the stickys...there is a lot of great information in there.
Just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. Hard to watch someone you love destroy everything for a drink.

Keep posting and reading. Sending you hugs!

Sorry you had to come here, but glad you found us.

The one big thing I learned the more I stayed here is that I wasn't alone, and that was the first step towards many more steps on the journey through this. It is a heartbreaking situation that you are in, but there is knowledge, wisdom, support, and care to be had here.

Read, post, share, and know that all of the answers will not come instantly, but WILL come, and the fact that you are here shows that you are ready to start on a path to your own recovery from this difficult situation.

Hope to hear more from you. Let us know how you are doing or how we can help.

Thank you all that took the time to respond. It really means a lot to know that everyone here understands what I am going through.

I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's? I am never sure where my AW's real thoughts come from; when sober, she is the sweetest person with never a bad thing to say about anyone and loves everyone, but, after a few drinks, she compares everyone else to the devil, and portrays herself as a saint.

It is maddening.

Pull the plug. Let her know if she wants to find recovery, you'll help her, but otherwise she's on her own. There's just no need for you to have to live in the insanity and chaos that is someone else's alcoholism. Love isn't enough to make her quit drinking. Most times only consequences can do that.

It is maddening, to see two sides of a person and know that the chemical is always present when the bad stuff comes out.

I wrestled for a while to know if the truth was what came out when the alcohol was in the system, and the falsehood was when she was sober, but there really isn't a clear answer to this, and it usually is a mixture of both. Since alcohol breaks down inhibitions, things are done and said that may never have been said sober, but just because they are said, doesn't mean they were intended or even meant or felt. It is just the alcohol breaking down a barrier that most of us never even consider exposing.

All that said, the bottom line is how her behavior affects you and makes you feel, and making sure she is aware of that. If she continues this behavior knowing the negative ways it is hurting and affecting you, you have to make a choice on what YOU want for yourself and your life.

It's a tough spot man, I've been there. Keep posting and we will help.

Not a spouse, but my mother was like that from about when I was 12 and her and dad started drinking sessions at home. She was a great mother when sober, and a great school teacher, but nasty as all h** once she'd had even one drink. She would make up fights out of nothing and even carry them on the next day, when she'd sober up. I can honestly say it made my teen years very unhappy and we all used to dread the evenings when Dad brought home beer.

Yes, we tried telling her and Dad. It had no affect whatever, we were just accused of being killjoys.

If your AW won't stop drinking you have to accept this is part of your marriage.

Absolutely. My AH is two completely different people when sober and drinking. Sober - brilliant, funny, strong character and ethics, generous, supportive, selfless, people loving. I could go on and on. Drinking - rambling, repetitive, name-calling, critical, angry, misogynistic, incompetent, hateful, jealous. I spent many years trying to figure out the label and the cause of what mental illness he might be trying to self medicate and trying to problem solve and support, what was I doing to cause it, etc.

I finally realized that that was all wasted time. I started focusing on the behavior (drinking and meanness) and now I'm letting him address the rest - - - if he chooses to. It broke my heart when I realized he was gone, and I waited too long to put a stop to his bad behavior of me. I wish I had found SR sooner, but I was trying to "help" him. Oh brother. I just made the mess worse.

Yes, when you choose to stay and continue to have a front row seat to the madness you will come to realize that NO they are not two different people they are one person and you don’t get to have Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde.