EnterSandman

what are peoples opinions about what should or not be said to kids about what is happening during A`s recovery?

Are there certain ages of the children that you should explain things?

How does everyone explain:-
- The strained home atmosphere?
- Why the A is suddenly going out a lot to meetings?

NewRomanMan

I told my kids exactly what was going on but was age appropriate. My kids were 11 and 7 at the time. Just told them daddy is sick and he's going someplace to try to get better. When they ask about meetings I tell them I go to be with other people who are sick too, and we all help each other to get well and stay well again. As time has gone I've discussed what being drunk is and how it can affect people and families and how for some people it causes a lot of problems. I don't give them gory details but I'm totally honest with them. Funny thing is, now that they 're a little older, they recognize alcoholism and addiction in their friends' families now when they see it. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to addiction. Just my two cents. Nothing more.

Seren

Hello Sandman,

One of our members spent a great deal of time compiling a lot of useful resources in her blog. One topic is that of the children of addicts/alcoholics. There are, I know, at least two entries that pertain to what you are discussing.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/

Hopefully, you will get some useful information!

DoubleDragons

In 2013 my alcoholic mother arrived at a Mother's Day brunch in a crowded, high end restaurant blitzed out of her mind, falling into a potted plant, etc. My enabling father ordered her more wine. My children's ages ranged from 9-17 at that time. I decided on that day to be point blank honest about what alcoholism is and how it affects alcoholics and those that they love with my children. Growing up, my sister and I were always taught to push things under the rug. Starting when I was a teenager, my family would have drunken feuds at night and the next morning pretend like nothing had ever happened. My husband's father died of alcoholism at the age of 59. Knowing that my kids have serious alcoholism on both sides of the family, I decided that I was going to be the change to try to stop the cycle. In September 2013 I quit drinking. My eldest son got a little carried away in his freshman year of college. I made him read Kick the Drink . . . Easily by Jason Vale. When I decided to quit drinking, this book gave me a new perspective on alcohol that I had never even thought about, having grown up in a family/society that glamourized and normalized alcohol. I plan on making my second son who starts college in the fall, read it before he goes. I realize that I have no control of their future drinking habits and I also realize that most people can drink alcohol "normally," but it is important to me that they see that you don't have to include alcohol to lead a happy, healthy, fulfilling life. I want them to understand that alcohol is not a "must" to experience life. I honestly never realized that until I was middle aged. Knowledge is power.

ladyscribbler

I agree with NRM's approach of age-appropriate honesty. My youngest is 7 and when he was about 4 he started asking why we didn't live with daddy anymore. I explained to him about the disease of alcoholism, etc. and said that daddy was sick and when he was drinking it wasn't safe for us to be around him. We've had several more conversations about it since then, building on that information. I'm honest without badmouthing or blaming my ex, who sadly has not sought recovery.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I used to blame myself for my dad's behavior. I tried to be "perfect" and tiptoed through life so I wouldn't "make him" go off in a rage. That did a lot of damage and set the stage for my later unhealthy relationships. I didn't want to subject my children to the same thing so I gave a name to what was happening and hopefully helped them to see that none of his behavior was their fault.

Al Anon meetings really helped me to talk to the kids about alcoholism in a compassionate, honest and non-judgmental way. Not that it didn't still hurt. After our first talk my son asked, "If daddy is sick, why doesn't he go to the doctor." That was pretty heartbreaking. Hope you are able to find some peace for yourself and your children.

Ladybird579

I was honest with all my kids about exah drinking ( ages then between 16 - 8. I never got the chance to be honest about his recovery as he never attempted any. To be fair they needed no telling as they were more aware of what he drank than I did for a very long time. I have no sense of smell so it was often them who told me he stank of booze. Or his classic, appearing to drink fizzy orange but it was loaded with vodka.

HoldOnLoosely

I admire your honesty and transparency with your children. I think it shows strength, and I'm sure your children appreciate you taking the time to share your struggles and recovery. Well done.

I wish my husband was more forthcoming with my children. It would be wonderful. He's been sober for 1+ years. We're presently separated. I brought up the conversation with him months ago that we should probably talk with the children about alcoholism and that it's in the family (three generations worth on his side) within the next couple of years especially since two of my children are teenagers (ages 14, 12 and 9). He was defensive (...very defensive). It was not good. I haven't touched that conversation with him since, but I have started to talk generally to the children about alcoholism and addiction so when the time comes I know I started to lay the groundwork.

Tryingin2016

My kids still living at home are teens. I am now separated from AH. I also grew up with AF. I have talked to my kids so much about the dangers of drinking when there is alcoholism throughout both sides of our families. AH's father was an alcoholic too.

Will the kids drink? I don't know, but I feel confident in my warning them.

Anyway, AH says he is going to meetings & he's not drinking. The kids think that is BS and he's still drinking. I was thinking he wasn't drinking but I am starting to see signs. He calls me a couple of times a week to discuss things & a few days ago it sounded like he was drinking.

So I think talking to the kids about alcoholism & recovery is important, but keep it in their age level. Kids see everything as black or white. It's not until they are reaching adulthood can they comprehend certain things. Such as, why can't daddy just stop drinking? Or, they think maybe if they behave a certain way then daddy will love them enough to stop drinking (that was my thinking until I was probably about 18.)

knowthetriggers

My AH was a closet drinker (so he thought) for a long time and quite functional so the kids never really "saw" anything out of the ordinary; however when he relapsed in late October it took him down hard and it was a side of dad they had never seen before.

I was very honest with them about the entire situation, my girls are 15 and 10. The teenager (my drama queen by nature) has taken it really hard but my youngest knows dad is sick but is still the "bees knees" in her eyes.

They have seen him at his lowest point and now they are seeing him work on his recovery. Personally, honesty is the best policy....