New here - Looking for guidance
 

Hello all! I'm new here, I came over from LoveShack to find guidance and support from a group of people who have gone through/are going through similar experiences to mine.

A little background:

My now AH and I started dating in 2012, I was 19 and young and naive, he is older. A month into our relationship, I drove to see my friend (we had been talking for six months prior to my now AH and I dating and I was trying to see if I really wanted this relationship or not, I know, dumbdumbdumb). Nothing happened. At all. I watched the concert, decided I'd rather be home in bed and I left. My husband (at that time BF) didn't drink, I'd never even seen him tipsy. Ever since that meeting, he's decided he doesn't trust me and will never trust me. I didn't know this until after we got married two years later. I have never had another indiscretion or given him any reason to believe that I've cheated, but somehow, he did.

Two months after we got married, he made an assumption that I was cheating on him with my friend's boyfriend, because I was spending a lot of time with the both of them (after planning a wedding for two years, I didn't really know how to distribute my free time). Obviously he was wrong. This is when he started drinking heavily. I didn't know what to think so I *gasp* looked at his history on his laptop to see if there was anything triggering him. He made a PlentyofFish profile and had been perusing Craigslist personal ads. He of course had excuses, and I of course, believed him. He then changed all of his passwords on all of his devices.

I stopped worrying about it, decided that his online browsing wasn't any of my business and if he were cheating, I'd know. I haven't caught him cheating, and at this point I don't think I'd care if I did catch him cheating.

Fast forward to six months ago - I was helping my *best* friend plan her wedding, devoting a lot of time outside the house to help make appointments, go to cake tastings, plan bridal showers and bachelorette parties, dress fittings, the works. Weddings are kinda my thing. I've worked in and out of the wedding industry for the past 5 years. Each time I planned an activity, I would check with him and make sure it was ok. It always was. Apparently, he was holding back some seriously angry emotions and one drunken night (the night of the rehearsal dinner) he let them spill. He called my best friend's fiance a slew of homophobic terms (the groom was bisexual, but both were abstinent and have been dating for the last 10 years), called the bride's sister a sl*t, told me I was a w***e, and that he wanted a divorce. All of this happened as my mom was driving from the airport to go to this wedding with me, since he refused. I guess because of my not being home as much, I didn't catch how bad his drinking had gotten. All the times I cleaned vomit off the floors, helped him to bed, and took care of him somehow got pushed into the back of my head and didn't send up the red flags they should have. After the wedding (the next day) I packed my belongings and told him that we were going to do a trial separation. I was only gone a week. In that week, he quit drinking completely and promised to go to marriage counseling. Later we discussed the root issue and that was that I wasn't putting him first, I understand that and I have adjusted accordingly.

He said he was done drinking. That he wasn't an alcoholic. That he didn't need help.

We attended marriage counseling and on our first visit, the counselor asked how many times either of us had 2 or more drinks in the last year. I told her none, I don't drink (this isn't my choice, I would love to have a glass of wine, but if something bad were to happen while we'd both been drinking, I would never forgive myself). When she asked him, he responded with "at least 360 nights out of the last year". I don't think she expected that response and she told him that she'd like him to go to AA meetings, which he promptly responded that he didn't need as he had quit drinking completely. She continued to try to encourage him to at least try it and he shut down.

Not long after the first meeting, he started to drink again. We went to two more sessions and then never returned. He is back to drinking 4-5 nights a week. All of our arguments happen when he's drunk. I can't sleep in the same room when he's drunk because the entire room reeks and I can't sleep with the smell and his snoring.

A few weeks ago, we had a discussion about his drinking, where for the first time, he admitted he had a problem. He still refuses to go to AA meetings (his mother is an alcoholic too, and he used to go to meetings with her) or any other professional counselor. I love him when he's sober, but I hate him when he's drunk. He's mean and hurtful, he says the worst things to me, and other times he'll say nothing at all. I know now that there's nothing I can do to change him, he has to want the change. I find it almost ironic that his anger towards me was based off of the fact that I wasn't putting him first and now he's choosing alcohol over me.

Since I've given up on helping him, I've decided it's time to help myself become whole again. Someone on LoveShack recommended that I go to Al-Anon meetings! I didn't know those were a thing and I'm super excited to go to my first meeting this weekend.

I guess what I'm looking for in this post is advice on how to deal with his drinking (if I choose to stay) and what are some of the signs I should be looking for that it's time to leave. No one in my family has had to deal with addiction in their lives, my friends are all as young as me and single, and they simply tell me to leave. They don't understand that it's different when you're married, you can't just leave that easily. I'm also looking for guidance in how to help myself recover. Thank you all in advance <3

Hi, and welcome! I suspect that there is a serious abuse dynamic going on in your relationship, based on his obsessive jealousy and attempts to control you. Abuse is a completely separate issue from the drinking (even though it may get worse when he drinks).

Has he ever been physically abusive? Even if he hasn't, it could very well happen from what you have described.

No, thankfully.

I'm sure there is a level of abuse in our relationship, but he mainly gets that way when he's drinking and I don't remember anything super bad before the drinking. There was a period of time where he dabbled in gaslighting me, which was probably the worst, losing my connection with reality.

But thankfully, he has yet to lay a finger on me. If he even considered it, I would leave him in an instant.

SaveYourHeart,

Has he ever road raged, thrown objects, kicked/punched walls, hurt pets etc. These are serious events of abuse also. Easy to forget or push back out of your memory.

Road raged - absolutely, some woman nearly hit us once (I didn't know he'd been drinking until after he freaked out) and he rode over the line for a quarter of a mile calling her the c-word and screaming at her.

Thrown objects - he got pissed at the vacuum and threw it in the driveway once, but it really was a piece of crap

punched walls -nope

Hurt pets - This is one that I'm a little iffy about. He's rougher with our animals than I am, but I don't think he'd maliciously hurt one. We rescue/foster dogs and cats, so animals are a big deal to the both of us.

Welcome Saveyourheart! I am super glad you came and posted here. Also good on you for looking into Alanon; it has been a great support for a lot of us.

It's very typical for alcoholics to blame their partners. It is a way for them to avoid looking at their own issues (sometimes being with an Alcoholic is a way we codependents avoid looking at our issues).

Besides Alanon, you might look for the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatie; This is kind of a bible in these parts.

I will definitely look for that book! Thank you!

Later we discussed the root issue and that was that I wasn't putting him first, I understand that and I have adjusted accordingly.

Boy does that sound familiar. It's always someone else's fault about everything. In my opinion, someone who is extremely paranoid you are cheating many times means they are the cheat.

Welcome. Keep reading and learning. Hugs.

Some might say it’s time to leave when marriage counseling hasn’t worked.

Some might say it’s time to leave when you find yourself cleaning up their vomit.

Some might say it’s time to leave when then they are drinking 4-5 nights out of the week and you are thinking those couple of other nights he's sober.

Some might say it’s time to leave when you can no longer sleep in the same bed/room with them.

Some might say to leave if all they do is acknowledge a drinking problem but refuse to seek help.

Some might say to leave when they blame you for their behaviors and actions and drinking.

BUT only you can determine when you’ve had enough. Glad you are going to give al-anon a try.

Thank you, that makes sense. I guess my issue is that I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave or not, and am looking for validation that this isn't okay. I worry if he'll be able to survive without me and my income and I think a lot of my guilt lays on the fact that I promised him forever and am scared of breaking that promise. I don't know who I am without him.

Well, here's what I observed in your post. He flipped out because you went to a concert with someone and he still accuses you of cheating on him. He belittles your friends to discourage you from spending time with them. He blames his drinking (and bad behavior) on your supposed failure to "put him first."

All of that smacks of entitlement and control.

Please be very careful. I'm seeing some red flags. And abuse doesn't have to be physical to be harmful. You're already taking on responsibility for failure to "put him first" when, as you acknowledge, he's not putting you above his drinking.

That, in itself, is worrisome. You're still in your early 20s--you'd be surprised how time flies, though, and do you want to feel the same way in your 40s? Or 50s?

One thing, though, I'd STRONGLY recommend not having children with this man--not unless/until he gets sober and has stayed that way for a good, long time. If you think you're trapped NOW...

I will be careful! I know that I've sacrificed a lot of my mental health to make him happy, I'm hoping that these al-anon meetings will help me get back to a comfortable place and aid in my decision to stay or go.

No babies for me! He talks about them and I want them, but I think the biggest red flag in my own mind is that I don't want kids with him. I work for a divorce attorney, I see those kids get ripped apart all the time. I will not put my child through that.

And I know that no one plans to put their children through a divorce, that last comment made me feel kind of icky, it's just I have a choice whether or not to have children and I'm choosing not to because I'm unsure of my future. A lot of people don't have that luxury and then go through the hell that is divorce, custody agreements, visitation, etc.

Just living in a home with an actively alcoholic parent is awful for kids. So even if you ultimately decide you're going to stay with him for the duration (however long that might be), it would be awful to subject your kids to the chaos that goes along with alcoholism.

Al-Anon can be great for you. I also suggest you educate yourself as much as possible about alcoholism (which you will likely mostly find elsewhere, since Al-Anon focuses on you). And that's not for the sake of helping him get sober, but just so you understand what it is you're dealing with.

Just out of curiosity, is his mom aware of his issues? (I'm assuming she's still sober?)

His mom never got sober. He cut her off because she would call us drunk and tell him what a sl*t I am and how she wants her little boy back (even though they haven't had a relationship in years).

I absolutely need to do some research about alcoholism, even though I've been dealing with it for the past two years, I really don't know what I'm up against.

And I totally agree, divorce is small fry compared to raising your kids with an actively alcoholic parent.

Hi SaveYourHeart - welcome! My heart broke when I read your post because I see a lot of ME in your post. I've been married for 2.5 years to my AH (no kids) and felt a lot of guilt about leaving (we're separated and I'm moving forward w/divorce).

As you educate yourself more on alcoholism and by reading SR / attending Al Anon you'll get your confidence back and become whole again (oh how I can relate to this one!!!). His drinking is not your fault (repeat that to yourself 10000x).

How about you declare that January (or all of 2017 :) ) is YOUR month. Do what you want to do and focus on your recovery -- and yes we all need recovery, not just the A's in our lives. Personally, once I shifted the attention from AH back to me my confidence came back, I started to feel like the whole me again and my answer became clear. I hope this happens for you, too!

Do you really want to stay married to someone just because you feel bad for them? Do you want to stay married because you feel guilty? Because he doesn't make the same amount of money as you? You deserve to be loved and cherished!

One other point, you work for a divorce attorney! They say there are no coincidences ;) Maybe you could ask the attorney for some information on your state laws - just to see what your options are.

It's so wonderful to hear from you, and I think what you've said just now is exactly what I needed to hear. I needed confirmation that everything is going to be okay, that I'll get my confidence back and find myself again, and whatever happens to him is not my fault. Thank you for your comment! <3