New here - Looking for guidance
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart 
Today I read through all of my newcomer pamphlets for al-anon and continued to try to find some peace for myself. I obviously need many more meetings and a lot more work on myself. Just feeling a little down and thought I'd share here instead of keeping it bottled inside and letting it loose on him.
Good for you for choosing to come here to share your thoughts and feelings w/folks who "get it." Hang in. You'll gradually start to see your path clearly, as long as you keep looking.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
^^ What Honeypig said.
As we change, and grow, and start to want things to be different for ourselves, it starts to become a need. Then it becomes a desperate need. Then we snap - and it becomes action...and we all do it on our own timeline. Sending you strength, clarity and (((HUGS))).
As we change, and grow, and start to want things to be different for ourselves, it starts to become a need. Then it becomes a desperate need. Then we snap - and it becomes action...and we all do it on our own timeline. Sending you strength, clarity and (((HUGS))).
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Thank y'all for staying with me! I wasn't planning to go to al-anon on Saturday, I was only planning to go on Sunday, but I think I'm going to go to both.
Last night I was putting together a bucket list of sorts and got hit by a wave of anxiety. I don't get anxiety very often, and my only guess is that it came from planning my future. I don't know if I see my AH in it or not.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Last night I was putting together a bucket list of sorts and got hit by a wave of anxiety. I don't get anxiety very often, and my only guess is that it came from planning my future. I don't know if I see my AH in it or not.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Al-anon was GREAT last night! We had some people that were semi-new that shared some heart wrenching stories. It was hard to hear, but very sobering knowing I'm not alone.
I stayed behind again and was invited to a little local al-anon lunch at the end of the month. I'm really excited about these connections I've been making!
AH asked about al-anon again and seemed grumpy that I was enjoying it so much, but I've stopped really caring and I'm doing what I need to do to get my feet back on the ground.
How was everyone's weekend?
I stayed behind again and was invited to a little local al-anon lunch at the end of the month. I'm really excited about these connections I've been making!
AH asked about al-anon again and seemed grumpy that I was enjoying it so much, but I've stopped really caring and I'm doing what I need to do to get my feet back on the ground.
How was everyone's weekend?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm glad you are are finding a place in your local Alanon! You can't have enough good, healthy supportive friends right now!
My weekend was great - my 9 year old niece figure skated int eh State Games and got a silver medal - so much fun to watch and so proud...plus some quality family time.
Keep up the good work!!
My weekend was great - my 9 year old niece figure skated int eh State Games and got a silver medal - so much fun to watch and so proud...plus some quality family time.
Keep up the good work!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is great stuff, the way it should be! Connections and support. Absolutely great!
I am so glad you are taking good care of YOU, it's so important and something we all let fall by the wayside much too often!
I am so glad you are taking good care of YOU, it's so important and something we all let fall by the wayside much too often!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by firebolt
I'm glad you are are finding a place in your local Alanon! You can't have enough good, healthy supportive friends right now!
My weekend was great - my 9 year old niece figure skated int eh State Games and got a silver medal - so much fun to watch and so proud...plus some quality family time.
Keep up the good work!!
My weekend was great - my 9 year old niece figure skated int eh State Games and got a silver medal - so much fun to watch and so proud...plus some quality family time.
Keep up the good work!!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by hopeful4
This is great stuff, the way it should be! Connections and support. Absolutely great!
I am so glad you are taking good care of YOU, it's so important and something we all let fall by the wayside much too often!
I am so glad you are taking good care of YOU, it's so important and something we all let fall by the wayside much too often!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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So last night, we had (what I thought) was a good conversation, let me know your thoughts:
I told him that al-anon has been really eye opening for me and I feel so much better now that I'm attending. I expressed that I struggle between the first step and the committee of control freaks in my head in regards to being powerless, but that I'm going to do my very best to let go and let God. That being said, I told him that I do have boundaries, and if I find out he's broken them, that I'm leaving. That I won't raise a child with an active alcoholic father, and that I'm willing to work on this if he's willing to work with me.
He seemed receptive to my boundaries and he opened up and told me that his sgt smelled the alcohol on him one day, and that was another reason he wanted to cut back. I wish he had told me before, but I understand his embarrassment. I told him I won't nag anymore. That I'll practice my steps and be a better me, but if the boundaries are broken, I'm gone.
My fear is that I'll allow him to break my boundaries again, and I'll get stuck in this cycle for the 1,000th time. My hope is that putting it into the universe in writing will force me to remind myself why I set that boundary. I'm going to really work on letting go, realizing that it's out of my hands, and stop worrying. I've got lines on my face at 24 from all the worrying I've done, it truly is time for me to focus on myself and stay in my hula hoop instead of getting into everyone else's.
I told him that al-anon has been really eye opening for me and I feel so much better now that I'm attending. I expressed that I struggle between the first step and the committee of control freaks in my head in regards to being powerless, but that I'm going to do my very best to let go and let God. That being said, I told him that I do have boundaries, and if I find out he's broken them, that I'm leaving. That I won't raise a child with an active alcoholic father, and that I'm willing to work on this if he's willing to work with me.
He seemed receptive to my boundaries and he opened up and told me that his sgt smelled the alcohol on him one day, and that was another reason he wanted to cut back. I wish he had told me before, but I understand his embarrassment. I told him I won't nag anymore. That I'll practice my steps and be a better me, but if the boundaries are broken, I'm gone.
My fear is that I'll allow him to break my boundaries again, and I'll get stuck in this cycle for the 1,000th time. My hope is that putting it into the universe in writing will force me to remind myself why I set that boundary. I'm going to really work on letting go, realizing that it's out of my hands, and stop worrying. I've got lines on my face at 24 from all the worrying I've done, it truly is time for me to focus on myself and stay in my hula hoop instead of getting into everyone else's.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm hearing he wants to "cut back." For an alcoholic, that is still active alcoholism.
Doesn't sound to me like the two of you are on the same page at all. He's making noises, that's all.
I'm not sure what "this" is. You have your recovery. He's interested only in keeping you around while he continues to drink. I don't see that there is anything for the two of you to "work on" together. You're still looking at this as a joint project. It's not.
Doesn't sound to me like the two of you are on the same page at all. He's making noises, that's all.
I'm willing to work on this if he's willing to work with me.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'm hearing he wants to "cut back." For an alcoholic, that is still active alcoholism.
Doesn't sound to me like the two of you are on the same page at all. He's making noises, that's all.
I'm not sure what "this" is. You have your recovery. He's interested only in keeping you around while he continues to drink. I don't see that there is anything for the two of you to "work on" together. You're still looking at this as a joint project. It's not.
Doesn't sound to me like the two of you are on the same page at all. He's making noises, that's all.
I'm not sure what "this" is. You have your recovery. He's interested only in keeping you around while he continues to drink. I don't see that there is anything for the two of you to "work on" together. You're still looking at this as a joint project. It's not.
I still have a lot of work to do on me, and the sentence you referenced was a poor way of saying, "Hey I'm trying, be patient with me" as far as my letting go goes. I don't want him to resent me for nagging him. But I agree, I do need to stop putting the emphasis on him and keep it on myself. It's just hard when it's all I've ever done. I am trying.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
If I had a dollar every time exah said he'd "cut back" He never did. Not once in 20 years. Alcoholics can't cut back. They either stop drinking or they don't.
That's basically why I set the boundary. Because I know he won't be able to keep his promise and I need to at least have something in place so that I don't get sucked back in this cycle.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hi SYH. Good for you for setting boundaries and you are absolutely right that keeping them is the hard part. I hope we all can support you in this.
As the others have said, it doesn't sound like you AH is interested in quitting. Most alcoholics try to modify repeatedly.
Thanks so so much for refusing to have children with an active alcoholic.
From this distant point in the cyber-sphere, you appear to be doing phenomenally. And I applaud being patient with yourself!
As the others have said, it doesn't sound like you AH is interested in quitting. Most alcoholics try to modify repeatedly.
Thanks so so much for refusing to have children with an active alcoholic.
From this distant point in the cyber-sphere, you appear to be doing phenomenally. And I applaud being patient with yourself!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I know That's basically why I set the boundary. Because I know he won't be able to keep his promise and I need to at least have something in place so that I don't get sucked back in this cycle.
Keep up the good work - support, your own health, and focusing on you will get you there!
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Thanks y'all! It's been a struggle as I'm figuring out more about myself than I think I've ever wanted to know, but I really am trying to let go. My Melody Beattie book should be here today (usps said the business was closed, but I shipped to a friend's house so I'm trying not to be irritable about it lol)l. Lyysy posted some books that I'm looking into too.
My biggest issue is letting myself sink back into that mental state where all I do is worry and fret and dread. That's no way to live. I'm coming to terms with that and doing my best. I will continue to try to make whatever progress I can. I'm also putting a portion of my paycheck aside each pay period so that if there's an emergency and I need to leave, it won't hurt me to do so.
Y'all are constantly helping me and I cannot thank each and every one of you enough. It means so much to me that there's a group of people who understand and care.
My biggest issue is letting myself sink back into that mental state where all I do is worry and fret and dread. That's no way to live. I'm coming to terms with that and doing my best. I will continue to try to make whatever progress I can. I'm also putting a portion of my paycheck aside each pay period so that if there's an emergency and I need to leave, it won't hurt me to do so.
Y'all are constantly helping me and I cannot thank each and every one of you enough. It means so much to me that there's a group of people who understand and care.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What's needed here is BALANCE. Yes, you want to let go of worry and fretting--it makes you feel crappy and does nothing to help the situation. OTOH, you have to keep your eyes OPEN to REALITY--as it is, not as you wish it to be. That means taking deep breaths and assessing the situation as objectively as you can.
The fact is that in all likelihood, he isn't going to be ready to change just because you've decided his drinking is unacceptable to you. It's fine to be hopeful, but hope isn't a plan. Any good plan starts from the probability things will go a certain way. The probability is that he will continue to drink. So I'd suggest PLANNING for life on your own, given your expressed determination not to have an ongoing relationship with an active alcoholic.
The fact is that in all likelihood, he isn't going to be ready to change just because you've decided his drinking is unacceptable to you. It's fine to be hopeful, but hope isn't a plan. Any good plan starts from the probability things will go a certain way. The probability is that he will continue to drink. So I'd suggest PLANNING for life on your own, given your expressed determination not to have an ongoing relationship with an active alcoholic.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
What's needed here is BALANCE. Yes, you want to let go of worry and fretting--it makes you feel crappy and does nothing to help the situation. OTOH, you have to keep your eyes OPEN to REALITY--as it is, not as you wish it to be. That means taking deep breaths and assessing the situation as objectively as you can.
The fact is that in all likelihood, he isn't going to be ready to change just because you've decided his drinking is unacceptable to you. It's fine to be hopeful, but hope isn't a plan. Any good plan starts from the probability things will go a certain way. The probability is that he will continue to drink. So I'd suggest PLANNING for life on your own, given your expressed determination not to have an ongoing relationship with an active alcoholic.
The fact is that in all likelihood, he isn't going to be ready to change just because you've decided his drinking is unacceptable to you. It's fine to be hopeful, but hope isn't a plan. Any good plan starts from the probability things will go a certain way. The probability is that he will continue to drink. So I'd suggest PLANNING for life on your own, given your expressed determination not to have an ongoing relationship with an active alcoholic.
The alcoholics have a link to making a plan. We codies don't have something specific but I wish we did: it would include ideas for money, emotional support, work, leisure activities, people to avoid or include in your life, landing spot if things get out of control . . . etc.
Developing friends in Alanon and saving money is excellent SYH.
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I do actually have a decent plan, I've already drafted my divorce several times (which is great because I wouldn't have to pay attorney's fees - my boss is a wonderful man) , have found rentals that allow me to bring my pit mix and my little cat, and I have a wonderful place to land with some wonderful people who have always been there for me while I continue to save. During our separation, I crunched the numbers and financially I'd be better off without him, I could even buy myself a new car!
My family are super supportive of whatever decision I make, the only thing is that I don't feel comfortable sharing the way I'm living with them, because they want so much more for me.
Reality is hard for me, I'm working on it, but living in a sense of "my husband isn't THAT bad, not nearly as bad as these women who come to me for their divorces" has been my way of thinking for a long time. It wasn't until July that I saw how awful it had become, and was only going to get worse.
I have an application in with an airline to be a flight attendant, so relocating would be an awfully fun adventure.
My family are super supportive of whatever decision I make, the only thing is that I don't feel comfortable sharing the way I'm living with them, because they want so much more for me.
Reality is hard for me, I'm working on it, but living in a sense of "my husband isn't THAT bad, not nearly as bad as these women who come to me for their divorces" has been my way of thinking for a long time. It wasn't until July that I saw how awful it had become, and was only going to get worse.
I have an application in with an airline to be a flight attendant, so relocating would be an awfully fun adventure.
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