Broken84

I told you my story about how I got to where I am. Here is the story prior to being the wife of an alcoholic. And then jumping the last couple of days.

I meet my husband on an online dating website. I was super hard to get to meet me. It took me several months before I would agree to meet him but he kept talking to me and asking me how my day was and getting to know me. I figured why not so I finally agreed to meet him after the 4th of July 2011. We hit it off right away. We both had children and He was a single dad as was I a single mom. We had lots in common and several things not which made each date very interesting and we couldn’t get enough of each other. Well I had to move out of my house because of health hazards that my landlord didn’t want take care of. It all happened faster than I thought the city would intervene which left me with an issues, my parents’ house was really full still and my sister wasn’t going to be moving out for a few months and the process happened so quickly I hadn’t found a new place yet. So he told me I could stay with them until I found my new place. Our kids had clicked so well that after moving in together it was almost a shame to split them up. This was in late August. Mind you in there was a few weeks there were we didn’t talk because he allowed his ex-wife to move back in because she had her time with the kids during July and she found herself living with yet another loser who was beating her (supposedly, she loves to make things up to get her way). Any how she found a place and moved out. Here I was living with him shortly after. With no real intention of moving fast.

Long behold, I end up pregnant which by all medical standards is a miracle. I shouldn’t have been able to have any more children due to medical issues. Well here we are due in July the following year. Great now what? We decided it’s time to look and buy a house of our own. Life was great. We clicked so well. I never once in my life thought of anyone in the way I saw him. I saw him as my future husband. If you knew me this was big because I didn’t believe in marriage and the institute it brought. I believed people could love each other and be together forever. I just didn’t see why the fuss over a piece of paper. Damon he was different. He had a way to calm me like no one could never look me in the eye and my breathing would slow down and I would see things clearer.

Well anyways lets jump forward to we finally found a house in May right before I was due. Things were great. We found our dream home in the area we wanted to be for just the right price. Well I have our son and find out that my job is closing down 30 days after I would return to work. Now we are down to one income but after looking at the math with 4 children, my staying home would be best. He made enough money; we would just need to be strict. Well that was all good until he wanted a job change and he took a chance switched jobs and things were going great until all of a sudden worked slowed down and now he is only working 20 hours a week. How do we survive on that. This is when the drinking and the fighting started. He wanted to still have date nights and I’m trying to keep the roof over our heads. And then the drinking started to get worse. Then when he didn’t drink is mentally was even meaner towards me. It was a never ending fighting battle. This was all in the year 2012 and 2013.

Even though things were still bad, I loved my husband the father of my son more than anything. We finally got married (my first marriage) in August 2014. It was a great day until the booze flowed in and I was left to get out of my own wedding dress as he was totally passed out drunk. I cried that night for hours. I still woke up and couldn’t believe this man was my husband. Then end of July 2016 I move out just shy of our 2 year anniversary

I told you the story from this point on in my first post. As to where we are before Christmas. And all the emotions that went with all the drinking.

So things were going great the Month of December. We were spending time together without the children, going shopping for Christmas having a great time. Things were going great. We were talking really talking. Not fighting really talking about things and our feelings.

Let fast forward to Christmas. It was my Christmas morning away from my son. He is only 4 years old. It was killer I couldn’t even get out of bed. And to know that is live in roommate who is a girl that has hell of drama behind her and in front of her, is there watching my son open his Santa/Christmas gifts. I couldn’t bear to think about so I slept the day away. When He finally came to the house to drop off our son so I could have Christmas with him, lone beheld this girl is in the car waiting in front of my parent’s house. I couldn’t believe he had her at his family Christmas. I don’t care that he has known her for 15 years. She is either a current addict/alcoholic or recovering. No one really knows. But she also was just in a sex trafficking ring which people were after her and trying to break into our house trying to get to her. Cops had to patrol the neighborhood regularly.

So that being said right after Christmas I had a conversation with him. Told him I still love him and always had. I just needed him to hit rock bottom and since the lying was never-ending and the blame game kept playing out. Yes I filed for divorce I never saw that it would change and I needed to protect myself and the kids the best I could. It wasn’t want I wanted and I never voiced that to him. I started to keep all my feelings inside but couldn’t no longer after Christmas after seeing the kids and the pain. Not only my children but his as well. So now she is leaving because she doesn’t think it’s safe for them (so she says).


This bring us to this last Friday. I had to drop off new shoes and a coat for our son because they had broken at daycare and I was off work so I got it done during the day. We start there and talked it was great. He then decided to take me to dinner with him and our son. After that we sat on the phone texting until 4am. It was the first real deep conversation we had in a long time. Telling each other how we both felt about each other. My husband was finally back. He has been sober for 6 months. I am very proud of him. So then here comes Saturday. As my brother is moving he had a ton of stuff for me to give him so, again I stopped by the house. I gave my son lots of loves and he looks at me where is mine. I thought he was joking but like he have several times I went to give him a hug, but this time he doesn’t want to let me go. He then turns and kisses me, a real kiss a kiss I haven’t felt in years. I left right after that, my heart filling back up again. He calls me an hour later and asks if I will take him shopping since I had the membership card. I do, always there when needed by anyone. He has his kids with them and our son. We have a great time shopping and getting fireworks. After that he drops me off at home knowing I was going out that night with my girlfriend. I get a text asking if he could see my face before I go out. So I swing by. When I get there he is on the phone. He finds out that last guy that is after his roommate is in jail. He was crying with relief.


Here is where things flip a 180. He still is hugging on me and kissing me before I go out. But I can feel a change in him from the 2 other times we were together that day. But I can feel that he still wants me there and not to leave but he knows the roommate will be there soon and he knows how I feel. I leave but he asked for me to come back after I drop off my friend. So what do I do after a great few days with him. I do just that. But this time I feel the cold air the minute I get there. The roommate is there. He doesn’t show me an ounce of kindness. Just like I’m the neighbor. Not the lover of 5.5 years. Okay. I leave and let it go for the night. But I couldn’t let it go the next day. New Year’s eve was great to be discarded for New Year’s day. Come to find out she is no longer moving out since all is good in her world. I told him I won’t try to work on my marriage while there is another women in the house no matter what is going on there. I know she controls how he treats me because when she isn’t around he is totally different but the minute he talks to her about us he gets cold again towards.


We have had several talks since then. All of them telling him that I know we both messed up. He was a mean mentally abusive husband and I walked out on him because I couldn’t take it. Then I proceeded to shut the world out as I tried to find my self-worth again including him. Then when he kept begging me to come home and then blaming me for everything when I wouldn’t give him the answers he wanted. I knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship and the struggles we had ahead of us. I was protecting everyone or that is what I kept telling myself. Then he gave me an ultimatum and that is when I lost it and filed for divorce. I never wanted the end of my family over this but I couldn’t handle it anymore, I was weak and very tired of all of it.
He asked for time to think and to get his **** in order and then he will tell me if he wants to try to work on our marriage. I asked him then why all the time spent together and the late night talks and the wanting to see me and then change of heart in just a few short hours while I was out yet texting him the whole time that I can’t wait to get the drunks home safe so I could see him.


Last night was another nice long talk. But now that she is there. He is sweet one minute that ignores me the next.


I don’t know what to think. Did I make a huge mistake taking down the walls and telling him how I feel and letting him back in???? Please help. I’m lost all over again. I want my family to work, I don't want to be a divorced mother of two children from two different dads. But I live with that. I don't know how I can move on from the man that at one point was my everything and now that man has been back for well over a month. I know that's why I felt safe finally telling him my real feelings as they always have been. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done during our split. The anger took over my behavior and I needed more than what I'd been getting for years. But my Love for my husband never changed. The person he was changed and he wasn't the man I fell in love with. As I don't want to know what he has done during our split because it really doesn't matter to me? What matters is the future. But he just keeps pulling me in then cutting me out.

LexieCat

This is not a safe or healthy relationship for you. I don't know how else to say it.

If he's not drinking still, he's not sober, in the sense of being emotionally stable. It would be truly awful to put your child into the middle of this mess.

Being a single mom isn't the end of the world--lots and lots of people do it.

What are you doing for your own recovery? If you're not going to Al-Anon, this would be an excellent time to begin.

Broken84

I have a wonderful support team, family and friends that have stood by me in all of this.
I hate to see or say that this is the end for my family. I know that I can be a single mom I have been before I met him. I was never married and raised my oldest alone.
I feel like I don't get the right to be angry anymore. And he continues to blame me for leaving when he left us mentally years ago with this drinking. But because I made a life change in hopes he would hit total rock bottom, He is angry with me for leaving him during his time of need and maybe he does have the right to be mad at me for that.
I just don't know what else to do.

I look at my 4 year old who is split between households and barely gets anytime with my son or my husbands children because we have the same visitation schedules with our kids and their parents which puts us in a bad situation for our son. Yes that is painful but not the main reason, I want my family back. My husband means the world to me. And I know deep down I do as well.

I see where this is unhealthy and by no means did I want to put in the kids in the middle of it not at this point. I wanted us to work on our marriage and start all over with dating without the kids knowing about it.

I have not joined any groups. I am always with my son's and have little free time in the evenings and my work schedule is extremely busy most of the year except for winter months. So I feel like any free time I have I owe it to my children. Which is my downfall that I'm so used to being around a drunk I rarely take time for me anymore because I always felt like I needed to be around for the kids. As I am slowly starting to take time for me. I only get 2 days a month without a child and their sports.

Bekindalways

Hey Broken84, it does sound like you have been through the wringer. I'm glad to hear that you have a good circle of friends and family.

Even if you can only get to an Alanon meeting twice a month, please do it. The best thing you can do in this situation is to work on your own recovery. Taking care of yourself and your own shortcomings is an investment that will pay big time for your kids.

Let us know how you get on.

ladyscribbler

As a single mom of 2 boys, oldest son's father died from cancer in 2013, younger son's dad is a deadbeat alcoholic, I have to say that attending Al Anon meetings is the single greatest gift I could have given to my children. If I'm healthy and taking care of myself and working my program, then that means I'm being the best mom I can be.

I owe my children at least one healthy, present, engaged parent. A couple of hours a week can make a big difference.

Once when I was feeling lazy and thinking of skipping a Saturday night, DS 15 actually said, "No mom, you need to go to your meeting." Lol. Take care of you and the rest will follow.

knowthetriggers

As a mother of two girls I get this - I really do; however, you are no good to your children if you are not healthy yourself.

Finding an Alanon meeting can do YOU and YOUR children wonders. If you search for meetings in your area you may find a meeting that does meet your families schedule.

Broken84

I will look for a meeting near me. I did go to my doctor when all this started to get on medications to help the stress and anxiety attacks from all this. It helps a lot and my face is always a brave face for my children. I have no other choice.

I am just at a loss. While my pain and anger towards him is gone. I no longer feel hatred towards him for everything. I am very sad that as I am trying to put my family back together and he still mad at me for the way I handled my pain and anger and all the things I did out of anger. Like file for divorce. I never wanted this to be the end. I want my family whole again.

This is where all the sadness and pain is coming from now. He is not willing to look past me leaving the house and moving out. He still wants to blame me for leaving him in his time of need. And although he says that he is remorseful of all the things he did to me. I don't see why his can be forgiven and what I did can't be. I left because is was unhealthy for everyone. I'm tired of being punished for this when I stopped punishing him for what he did when is was drunk all the time.

I don't see why this has to end like this.

teatreeoil007

I know it's hard to see your marriage "end like this". His drinking and associated behavior with that is one thing. The fact that he moved another woman into the house is another. I'd say, as long as the other woman is in his life, what chance does the marriage have? He pretty much extinguished that chance by doing that.

Yet, he still has feelings for you...in fact, moving the other woman into the house is likely/partly a rebound romance to start out...addicts replace, co-dependents mourn...he couldn't handle it that you left, so he glommed onto whatever came along quickly....his way of coping, perhaps? Then there is the matter of his drinking problem. Is he still drinking, or not? Does he have a job?

I am sorry for all the hell you are going through. Soldier on and always do what is truly best for yourself. He can be physically passionate toward you and maybe the sparks still fly, but he doesn't follow it up with treating you right; that's just not good. He is inconsistent and that would drive you batty. And the other woman? She is downright stupid for getting involved with him. Sheesh. What a mess.

Big, tight hugs to you and your kids!!

Broken84

The women is living there because she was homeless and was in a bad situation. I know he let her move in because he needed to save someone from a bad situation and that is his way of coping and mixed feelings is that of scared to really care for me for the fact he thinks I will leave him again.

He has been sober for 6 months. He has maintained is great job through all of this and has been there for over 2 years.

She from what I can tell is either a recovered addict or is stilling an alcoholic not sure. When I'm there she doesn't show her face. She is living in my son's room there. She hides out in the basement most of the time. Now that the threat to her life has passed and all those after her are in jail. This is when he started acting different towards me. She from what I know about her and what people that know her tell me. This is a free home and food on the table for her nothing more but she will entertain anything to keep it. She is nice towards me and always asks when I'm coming over for the kids. But its a game. I see it and so do others.

I'm sure its a rebound.

I asked him why he didn't fight for me to stay. When I told him words are just words and the actions never match this is when I left.

At least although I'm fighting for my marriage to work now after we have both had time apart . I am up and down and get mad easy yes because one minute things are great the next I'm ignored and he doesn't respond at all. So I'm going crazy yes in that sense.

I understand why she is there and his mixed emotions are because he started to feel for me again and the sparks were flying and he needed to redirect them. I told him I wasn't ready to involve the kids and I wanted to go back to just focus on us when the kids weren't around to make sure we were strong before we involved them. He seemed on-board until she came home New Year Eves night and said she was no longer going to move out as planned because the safety of the kids was no longer an issue.

He tells me nothing has happened between them and if it had in front of the kids they would have for sure told me because both my son and our son together keep asking us when we are getting back together.

This is a mess but with another women in the house and other people talking in his ear and I'm sure at AA they are telling him the same thing I'm hearing here that we should walk away from each other. But I'm fighting for counseling if we don't work then we know and we can be better parents for it.


I want my marriage back with my husband. Call me stupid call me crazy and dumb for thinking that all this can be worked out. I know for 3 months I didn't think so. And right when I was going to call him and tell him I find out there is another women in the house. I didn't know the story at that point and I backed off and then 2 more months went by. Now here I am lost my chance.

firebolt

You aren't crazy or dumb. It's really, really hard for people like us to let go.

ONe of my favorite passages from "THe Language of Letting Go" daily reader book is this one. It got me through some really, really tough times, and I hope it comforts you in your current position like it did me:



You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go - August 2

In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we're in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.

maia1234

B,
You need to take some deep breaths and breath. When I felt my life was out of control I would say the Serenity Prayer a million times a day. Nothing works out when you are going crazy.

What you need to understand is just because you ah has not had a drink does not make him an alcoholic anymore. Getting help for alcoholism is Growing Up, Sobering Up and Working a Program. Is he doing that?? There is nothing that has changed in your relationship because he is not drinking. You will have the same issues that you had 6 months ago or a year ago. It takes a lot of time and commitment for him to "recover" from his addictions.

Alcoholics have deep rooted issues. Just because he is "with" this other women and you want him back, nothing has changed. Please step back, get to some alanon or open aa meetings. Leave him to work his side of the street and you take care of your craziness that you are creating. We all understand that you want to "save" your marriage. Every spouse that comes on this website wants to "save" their marriage. Once you realize as I did after 34 years together that I "couldn't" save my ah from himself, I decided that I needed to save me. I was worth it!!

Take some time, regroup. Do some reading above. You will see he is just a typical selfish, narcissistic, lying alcoholic. No different then anyone elses husband on this forum. The thing is, you don't have to be the crazy alcoholic's out of control wife. Deep Breaths my friend!!

sauerkraut

Hi B84,

You write, "he is not willing to look past me leaving the house and moving out. He still wants to blame me for leaving him in his time of need. And although he says that he is remorseful of all the things he did to me. I don't see why his can be forgiven and what I did can't be. I left because is was unhealthy for everyone. I'm tired of being punished for this when I stopped punishing him for what he did when is was drunk all the time."

Listen to yourself. You are correct. He's making you into the bad guy even though all you're trying to do is create a healthy situation for your children and yourself. Please educate yourself about alcoholic behavior (see "FOG," the "fear, obligation, and guilt" that alcoholics use to keep enablers from moving on), and I think you'll see that your instincts are correct.

You need to listen to yourself, not him. Many of us had to do the same.

Epona

Hello B.
I came here a few years ago when my world imploded. Long story there, see my gut wrenching thread...anyway, I just came back and was looking around. I have decided to divorce and this book excerpt someone shared with you caught my eye. "What you need to understand is just because you ah has not had a drink does not make him an alcoholic anymore. Getting help for alcoholism is Growing Up, Sobering Up and Working a Program. Is he doing that?? There is nothing that has changed in your relationship because he is not drinking. You will have the same issues that you had 6 months ago or a year ago. It takes a lot of time and commitment for him to "recover" from his addictions."
and I wanted to tell you that this is right on! 5 years later, my STBX has not had a drink, but he is still the same mean, lying, manipulative, angry, etc, etc, dick that he was. He thinks AA is well, I'm not sure-he is too good for AA. He did not stay in therapy once his lies were exposed, so is now a dry drunk. Behavior even worse than before, since he has no alcohol to numb his "demons." It is so true-addicts replace! After he cheated, he has run up huge debts that I just recently learned of. Taken to buying gemstones, rocks, trinkets from ebay. Sound harmless? not when his home office is literally 3 feet deep in all this stuff. Don't buy into his "affections" now. Have not read your whole story-but-run and don't look back! Wish I hadn't spent the last five years on second chances.

unsureoffuture

Broken84,

As hard as it is to hear, this sounds all one sided. This dynamic is not healthy for you or your children. YOU want the relationship to work but HE told you straight up he is not sure and wants time to think. You are in 110% and he unfortunately is not. Ask yourself what actions is he taking to restore this marriage? From what I see none. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you to hang on while simultaneously stringing along this other woman.

You cannot have a relationship that is one sided and obviously as long as she is still there things will never work. Either you both are in or out. You make excuses for him such as "he only has her there because she is in a bad situation" "there is nothing going on between them" yet in another sentence you state that "his actions toward you change as soon as she is around" and "he only is doing this because of the fear that if he gets back with me I may leave again" and "I'm sure this is just a rebound". When is HE held accountable for his choices and actions?

If he is engaging in a rebound then he isn't fully committed to you and restoring your marriage. He has her there because he has feelings for her and that is also the reason he has not asked her to move out. I know that stings but deep down you know that is the truth. There is another woman that is smack in the middle of you and your husband's relationship and nothing will change as long as she is there.

I'm not saying he will never come to his senses and decide you are the one but you need to think long and hard what this is doing emotionally to you. It might be best to distance yourself from him and get some clarity. He is going to do whatever he wants to do. If he wants to be with her, he will no matter how desperate you are to save things. The same holds true for you. If he wants to save the marriage, he will find a way to do just that. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are saying he likes things just the way they are.

Definitely go to Al anon, celebrate recovery or private therapy if you can. It will help you get a better perspective on things. Focus on you and what makes you happy.

Ariesagain

There is ALWAYS something going on. Always.

NYCDoglvr

I had my moment of "enlightenment" when I realized my dreadful situation had been going on for a year and unless I wanted to be in the same place next year I had to make a change. I stopped pointing finger at abf and looked at my codependency, which was really to blame for me being in the bad place. Alanon showed me that what I called love was really need and all my excuses for not leaving were rationalization and denial.