co-dependent no more (at least trying)
 

Hello there

This is the third time I'v typed out my confession, or story what ever you want to call it, I could'nt get it posted?
Well here we go again.

I have been with my husband since I was 17
we have 3 children together,
we have a beautiful house,
I was a stay at home mom, he was a hard worker, we were doing o.k.
unfortunatly my husband is also a hard drinker. we managed to get by with his drinking problem maybe denial.
He came home usually two times a week sat down got smashed out of his face and passed out.
Oh well I thought atleast I know where he is, he's not out drinking and driving ext.
The odd time Id find womens phone no. on the phone bill or they'd phone.
Oh well I thought he was drunk, it's only a phone call.
we had a pretty good life, when he wasn't drunk, or hung over. I guess I just managed to tip toe around him.
Them about 3 yrs ago all hell broke loose, his drinking went completly out of control, he was smashed almost every night, he was moody, he was a bastard to put it nicely.
He had affairs, one after the other, I dealt with alot of crap from him.
I was totaly dependent on him I hadn't upgraded my skills at all. I was so affraid
I couldn't do much for my self. I was so controlled by him. I was a disaster. a wreck
Then my Higher Power Hit me on the head with a Brick and I realized that I had better get my act together, I had 3 children to look after, and my marrage was falling apart..big time.

I took baby steps slowly one step at a time I upgraded my skills, read all the books I could read, slowly regained some independence.I applied for a job
I got the job, I bought a new car, on my own, all mine.
I kicked his butt when things escalated to a point where I had no choice.
He was gone, I was fine, I didn't miss him
things were easier.
Still I couldn't take the final steps to get a devorce.
He went into recovery, is still in recovery
and bam
I let him back,
Of course he's a changed man, he's trying.
Ya , but I 'm so damed confused, angry,,,
I don't know what?
I'm still stepping though,,,,
Im not giving myself to him the way I used to be in this relationship.
I know what I expect from him, it's time to come clean completly clean about issues.
Well I could go on and on
anyone have some insight.......?

[This message has been edited by Sally (edited January 09, 2002).]

Hi Sally,
I was in a similar situation many years ago, but I feel you are on the right track. You are doing what you need to do to survive and be independent of him. He may be back, but you have the knowledge of his actions, and if things start to deteriate again, you will know what to do. In order for me to keep my sanity and bring up my 2 children, I had to leave and we remained best friends. Just pray for the strength to do whatever you have to do. I wish you all the luck.

Dear Sally I don't know how you do it ?? Problebly for the kids egh? Whao, you sure have alot of stregnth!!!!!!! And Patients, to accept the SORRY ASS BACK !!!! And the #@$%^&^ is still alive!!! You have every right to be ANGRY!!!!! How do you do it? I personally can take beatings alot easier, than for sure knowing he messed around on you !!!!!! To me thats the lowest form, and me personally don't have the maturety to forgive those things. I mean man you can get Aids !!!! It can be a death sentance !!!!! Get 'em on a poly graph to see if he used a condom, and even that is what 99% !!!!! I say Dump 'em !!!!! But if you wana keep 'em, here are some sugestions. Get him to the clinic for an Aids test ( make him do it ), keep in mind a postitive result may take up to 6 months after exposure. So if you want to be intimint with him, bring on the condoms !!!!!! Creating boudries; tell him your thoughts all of 'em, cards on the table!!!! Let it all out, express your self in a mature rational maner. !!!!!!!Good Luck !!!!!!!!

HI Sally...
Welcome to the forum!
I'm glad you're still stepping. Recovery can be a real up and down process. I know what you mean about still feeling angry. It took me quite a while to get over most of that, and sometimes something quite unexpected will bring it back. But it get's a lot easier.
The best thing is that now you know you have the strength and resources to survive without him. You are not trapped. That alone can make things a lot easier to bear.
Please keep posting!
Smoke

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY'S
IT IS REALLY GREAT TO HAVE YOUR FEED BACK.
I REALLY HAVE FOUND THIS SITE TO BE HELPFUL AND PLAN TO BE A REACCURING GUEST.
THANKS AGAIN
SALLY