Update.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 26
Update.
My ex-F, now BF has been in rehab since early November, a post I made that day talked about how I was nervous, scared, unsure of everything. At first he did a week of detox, 30 days of a actual rehab facility and now has been moved to a sobriety living half-way home. I saw and heard him for the first time in about 20 days this weekend. He sounds good, he seems to be trying, always working on his step work, writing and going to a few meetings a day with the home of about 30-40 guys. He writes me quite often, calls when he can get a chance. (Which, being a co-dependent, I still base my life off of when he will call, and hope I don't miss it).
I am hopeful for him, BUT I am still unsure. After reading statistics, it seems like a very small success rate. I know that sounds terrible, I am hopefully, I believe in him, but statistics scare me and my Dr. even told me that the success rates are tiny- unless he gets on medicine after being released. I must confess to you guys that I did have a mishap my self early on when he went to rehab, where I drunkingly looked for attention/love in the wrong place and messed up, not sex, but still messed up. I am not sure why I am telling you guys this, maybe advice. I feel like if I tell him he will leave the facility and relapse, if I wait till hes out for a while then tell him, I dont know what will happen. Its pressure from everywhere, his mom & family, my family to leave. I love him, but one day I would like to have a family. I dont know what to do.
I am hopeful for him, BUT I am still unsure. After reading statistics, it seems like a very small success rate. I know that sounds terrible, I am hopefully, I believe in him, but statistics scare me and my Dr. even told me that the success rates are tiny- unless he gets on medicine after being released. I must confess to you guys that I did have a mishap my self early on when he went to rehab, where I drunkingly looked for attention/love in the wrong place and messed up, not sex, but still messed up. I am not sure why I am telling you guys this, maybe advice. I feel like if I tell him he will leave the facility and relapse, if I wait till hes out for a while then tell him, I dont know what will happen. Its pressure from everywhere, his mom & family, my family to leave. I love him, but one day I would like to have a family. I dont know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You admit your codependence has you "basing your life" on when he will call or whether you will miss it.
My friend, as someone who spent two-thirds of her life that way I can tell you -- that is no way to live.
Codependence isn't a life sentence. You can recover from it, too. But you are not going to be able to do that while you are still obsessing over someone else and their choices, and how your choices affect him, and how his choices affect you, etc., etc., ad infinitum.
My friend, as someone who spent two-thirds of her life that way I can tell you -- that is no way to live.
Codependence isn't a life sentence. You can recover from it, too. But you are not going to be able to do that while you are still obsessing over someone else and their choices, and how your choices affect him, and how his choices affect you, etc., etc., ad infinitum.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What would be the point in telling him? Just to ease your conscience? Doesn't seem to do him any good. You certainly aren't obligated to stay with him, but confessing something like that (no sex, no risk of disease) seems gratuitously unkind.
What kind of "medicine" is the doctor talking about? Unless it's an antidepressant or some other necessary psychiatric drug (for bi-polar or something like that), he shouldn't need any medicine to stay sober.
It kind of sounds like you are looking for "permission" to break up with him. If you don't want to be with him, break up. It happens. People break up for all kinds of reasons, including just growing apart.
What kind of "medicine" is the doctor talking about? Unless it's an antidepressant or some other necessary psychiatric drug (for bi-polar or something like that), he shouldn't need any medicine to stay sober.
It kind of sounds like you are looking for "permission" to break up with him. If you don't want to be with him, break up. It happens. People break up for all kinds of reasons, including just growing apart.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when we take them from "person i plan to marry" to "person i am currently involved with" - we've already moved the bar.....LOWER. i know you are on the Alcoholic side of F&F, but he also has substance abuse problems, which is think is your reference to him "needing medicine" in order to be successful.
you are putting your life on hold waiting for a phone call......like an addict waiting on their next hit.
you also did some stuff that you feel bad about while he was in rehab. if we look at how "amends" are handled in 12 step programs, the caveat is "unless it would bring harm to others". you need to look at why you made those choices.....not about when you can bare your soul to HIM. he is not your confessor, your priest. you think that if you tell him he will leave the facility and relapse. which may or may not be true, but that indicates "harm" to others.
you want a family. he isn't exactly a safe bet in that dept. we can't MAKE people FIT into our own wishes and desires. this would be a good time to really get into your own motives, your own past, your own issues. get those figured out before you move to the next phase of your life.
you are putting your life on hold waiting for a phone call......like an addict waiting on their next hit.
you also did some stuff that you feel bad about while he was in rehab. if we look at how "amends" are handled in 12 step programs, the caveat is "unless it would bring harm to others". you need to look at why you made those choices.....not about when you can bare your soul to HIM. he is not your confessor, your priest. you think that if you tell him he will leave the facility and relapse. which may or may not be true, but that indicates "harm" to others.
you want a family. he isn't exactly a safe bet in that dept. we can't MAKE people FIT into our own wishes and desires. this would be a good time to really get into your own motives, your own past, your own issues. get those figured out before you move to the next phase of your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh boy.
This will sound harsh, but here it is. It's true. The success rate is tiny unless he is willing to work recovery EVERY SINGLE DAY, for the rest of his life. It's a HUGE commitment to make. That being said, some do make it.
Please do not procreate with this man unless he shows he can stay sober for YEARS. In my opinion, no less than five. If you think being with an alcoholic is painful, add children to the mix, and it becomes the most tragic disaster you have ever lived.
Tight hugs. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself!
This will sound harsh, but here it is. It's true. The success rate is tiny unless he is willing to work recovery EVERY SINGLE DAY, for the rest of his life. It's a HUGE commitment to make. That being said, some do make it.
Please do not procreate with this man unless he shows he can stay sober for YEARS. In my opinion, no less than five. If you think being with an alcoholic is painful, add children to the mix, and it becomes the most tragic disaster you have ever lived.
Tight hugs. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
oh boy.
This will sound harsh, but here it is. It's true. The success rate is tiny unless he is willing to work recovery every single day, for the rest of his life. It's a huge commitment to make. That being said, some do make it.
Please do not procreate with this man unless he shows he can stay sober for years. In my opinion, no less than five. If you think being with an alcoholic is painful, add children to the mix, and it becomes the most tragic disaster you have ever lived.
Tight hugs. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself!
This will sound harsh, but here it is. It's true. The success rate is tiny unless he is willing to work recovery every single day, for the rest of his life. It's a huge commitment to make. That being said, some do make it.
Please do not procreate with this man unless he shows he can stay sober for years. In my opinion, no less than five. If you think being with an alcoholic is painful, add children to the mix, and it becomes the most tragic disaster you have ever lived.
Tight hugs. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
