Hopetoday

So, I'm new to this site and I have been reading so many articles lately and it really helps me! Part of my issue of the AXBF is accepting what has happened, how he treated me and how it ended. We were together for a year and a half.. and I was so hopeful he would change. That part of him (sober part) would really become the "full him" and he would stop drinking and using drugs. Of course he showed me who he was from the beginning, but I just wanted to believe he would change (aka denial). At first the heavy drinking, always breaking up with me when he would drink, whenever he was drunk he would always want to do heavy drugs.. then 6 months in admitting that he had been lying about the drugs and he had them hidden in my house. 9 months later an assault charge, issues with my friends, family (all while he was drinking). And later to find out money issues, which he never told me! Sooooooo many lies!!! So much I probably don't even know!! I can't believe how much in denial I was. He would always tell me I was the only one who told him he had a problem, which I probably was. Never would admit or acknowledge that he had a problem. Then we bought a house together and he brought a girl back to my house (when he went out drinking and drugs). That was it. But I never really got an apology... he never apologized for anything he had done. How could he not apologize? So devastating! So painful! I feel like he just gets to leave, no consequences, he doesn't have to feel the pain I am in! I sometimes feel that he gets off "Scott free". So much of it is not fair. I have not gone to alanon yet, I plan to... I know I will grow from this and there is a lot of work that is needed for myself! I just sometimes can't believe what happened! Is he even sad? Does he even care? I truly don't think so and that is so hard to accept! He definitely hasn't hit rock bottom. But how can he not comeback and even apologize? Was that entire time a lie? How could he even try to pretend to love me, knowing how deep the addiction really was! Just wanted to vent and get some advice on how to process this, and help to understand it! It's so hard to accept sometimes!

knowthetriggers

Hon, he is an addict - he will not apologize for something HE believes is NOT his fault. See, he will blame the Sun, the Moon and the Universe before he would admit he was wrong. It's just what they do.

I was either told this by one of our members or I read it somewhere but when you think of him picture the words SICK written across his forehead in bright red letters. Just to remind yourself that you are dealing with a very sick person.

The best suggestions I have for you would be to seek Alanon and educate yourself on this disease.

Here lately I have been poking around on the Alcoholic forum just to try and understand my AH's disease.

I also find that writing in a journal can help with anger. I go back and re-read some of my old journals and can see my anger when I start my entry but at the end I always seem to have clamed down and actually felt better.

Tight hugs to you! Keep posting!!

KTT

PhoenixJ

Prayers

Refiner

Forget him. He is a loser addict as you have recently found out. Don't expect loving or special treatment BC you were in a relationship with him. Addicts DON'T CARE. Please protect yourself legally at least. It sounds like you have entered into some legally shared assets. I hope you can extricate yourself safely and soon from this leech!

SparkleKitty

He is an addict; all he is doing is AVOIDING consequences, pretending they don't exist, because first and foremost his addiction must protect itself.

Let yourself grieve, but don't lose your life trying to understand why addicts do the things you do. If you are not an addict yourself, you will never understand it. Accept that he is the way he is, and it had nothing to do with you or your worth. You are worthy of being loved by someone who is capable of it all of the time, not just when they are sober.

LexieCat

What SparkleKitty said. It has nothing to do with you. He CAN'T allow himself to see what he's doing to himself, much less what he's doing to anyone else. He may or may not be a "bad guy," but as noted, he is a SICK guy, and one you don't need in your life. It could be years or decades before he decides to get sober, and until that happens, his drinking, and the bad stuff that goes along with it, will continue to progress.

But trust me, there ARE consequences for him. Maybe you don't see them--maybe HE doesn't see them, either, just yet. But they are there.

Concentrate on living the best life YOU can have, and don't worry about what's going on with his life.

One question, what happened with the house you bought together? That's something you DO need to resolve, or you could find yourself in a pretty grim financial situation.

AnvilheadII

He would always tell me I was the only one who told him he had a problem, which I probably was. Never would admit or acknowledge that he had a problem.

this is known as The Hook....you're the ONLY one. which we read as....we are special, unique, we know the secret and we can make a difference. i'm sure other people, probably females, heard some type of similar "sweet nothing" - it's the stuff we eagerly eat up. YES YES, i AM the one, i WILL be the difference, you WILL change for ME.

i am most concerned about a home you both now "own" together.....the only way to get the other party off a mortgage is to refi or to sell....or do a buy out. that's a big dang deal. i know you are struggling with emotions, but you have to get your head focused on the legal/financial implications that you face.

and you should probably get tested for STDs. he was obviously careless and loose with his "encounters".

Hopetoday

Thank you everyone for your responses! It's sometimes difficult to express these feelings, especially because many of my friends/family don't understand it, and can't help to truly explain or understand the nature of addiction and it's disease! I have to explain the house part better- we technically didn't buy it together. We had been looking for a house for the past 8 months or so and the plan was for him to do all the renovations, purchase appliances, etc (he does that for a living) while the house was 100% in my name (thank goodness!!)!!! We had planned to start the kitchen demo for 2 days after the cheating incident (although I found concrete evidence, he said nothing happened, but did admit to bringing the girl over- which was a lie). He had redone one room and had purchased multiple things to start everything else. I kicked him out that day, changed the locks, had someone at my house while he got all his stuff (my house is literally empty now). I guess I was always use to saying "we bought the house", but really I bought the house! Maybe I havnt detached fully from that "we"??? But I havnt tried contacting him or anything! He hasn't either! He left and never looked back, could barely apologize (this part is hard) I keep praying, look for courage and strength to understand it all and make it through such a devastating loss and change. He tells people "we didn't work out", of course... that's the easy way. But it's like.. why would you even look for a house? Why would you buy all those things? Put that time and effort? But now it makes sense why we never looked at that credit score or tried to put you on the mortgage, all those lies... all that debt! Even with the horrible-gut-wrenching pain... it is a blessing in disguise! Just need to be patient with myself... I know I will never get that apology, get to see if he even cares or get the explanation of what really happened that morning. I know I was there for all those other drunken, angry, mean, aggressive times... that should've been enough...

LexieCat

Well, I'm glad you're not locked into a mortgage with him.

Try not to make sense out of it. Addiction makes no sense. He might have thought he could do it at the time you got into it--it doesn't sound like he got anything OUT of it (in the sense of stealing from you). Alcoholics (and I know--I'm 8 years sober) often have great intentions but can't manage the follow-through, and they go off to pursue their addiction without doing anything to fix what they messed up.

You'll be OK. It takes a while to work through the heartbreak, but it DOES eventually go away.

heartcore

There are no words he could say as an apology which would actually heal your hurt.
We want someone who hurt us to feel shame at dashing our sweet hopes or to feel pain at having lost the possibility of a person with such a vast & kind heart.
The hardest part is to realize that they won't ever truly know (regardless of apology words attempted).
But you know.
You know that your heart wants to love & that it is capable of love. So you don't have to take in someone else's hurty & small-heart definitions of relationship.
I've waited for healing words that never came & I've listened to attempts at apology from loves who didn't really understand even what they had done...
In my experience, our only true task is to honor & rebuild our sweet hearts. Slowly, through much time, we realize that our only mis-step was to grant the gift of our heart to someone who wasn't actually paying attention.
It's like a trailer after a tornado passed through. Sift through the debris & find a salvageable photo & a treasured tea-cup. Cry. Stare at the wreckage. Accept hugs from the neighbors. But - I have found - that camping in the wreckage & hoping the sky apologizes just cannot ever restore our lost home.
Sometimes really hard stuff happens to good people.
I believe that he will have consequences. Many, many. The most primary of which is the loss of you, right now. And, if he doesn't change, every home he builds will crumble in his hands.
That's how I think about it when I get sad...

teatreeoil007

I say this gently: An apology from him would be empty and not satisfy....Also, he likely did love you and maybe still loves you, but the addiction is controlling his life and overpowered that love.

Ladybird579

I never got an apology after 20 years of marriage and 8 kids. If I had it wouldn't have been honest cos he never changed. He never loved me...he only loves alcohol and drugs. I don't thank active alcoholics are capable of love. Hell the don't even love themselves. but him loving you or not is not a sign of how lovable you are. I think you have dodge a massive bullet. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself and don't tie yourself in knots trying to figure him out. xx

hearthealth

Your the only one who says I have a problem can be taken as no one else stated I have a problem. It gives the alcoholic the excuse that everyone else is right and they can continue to drink.