Karivan

I don't know if I caved in or not. We talked and I told him my boundaries and said I wanted him to move out for 6 months. He begged to be given another chance. He said he realizes now that he has problems and he promised he would go to AA and get counseling. He said he would stay in the spare bedroom and not touch me.

I let him stay for a couple of reasons. He has never admitted he had a problem or said he would go to AA and get counseling before. He hasn't had a drink in over 2 weeks and he said that he wanted to confess the internet porn to me but he was afraid to. Maybe it would have been easier for me if he left but I think he has a better chance of getting clean if he stays here and isn't depressed by himself in an apartment. We don't have any family here and he hasn't made any close friends.

Another reason is I've been working really hard at getting debt free. If he leaves, it's going to take longer. That's selfish I know but I'm 50 years old and I want some financial security.

After the talk we did some yard work. My neighbor came over to talk and my A acted all lovey dovey to me and put his arm around me. That really ticked me off! I shoved his arm off my shoulder and gave him a dirty look. After the neighbor left I told him that from now on he isn't going to pretend that everything is great between us and I didn't want him acting that way in public or private.

Now I feel depressed! Did I cave or did I do the right thing? I was really looking forward to some peace in my house! I even had the new paint color for his office planned!

Crap... one more chance. Does it ever end?
Thanks again (and again and again) for listening. It really helps to know you all understand.

skyleh

[QUOTE=Karivan
After the talk we did some yard work. My neighbor came over to talk and my A acted all lovey dovey to me and put his arm around me. That really ticked me off! I shoved his arm off my shoulder and gave him a dirty look. After the neighbor left I told him that from now on he isn't going to pretend that everything is great between us and I didn't want him acting that way in public or private.
[/QUOTE]

I know I did basically the same thing..and mine acted the same way..acted like everything was OK..and expected me to act the same..and did nothing to work on any of our issues..or his issues..all the while I was working on me..and I was not the one that was drinking..substance abuse..and asking others over to my home while he was away...that was him....For me..I tried...nothing changed..or nothing good..he just started hiding his behavior..instead of letting me see it....My next step was that I wanted a separation..but I was going to move back to my home state..with my family..I needed the support...he could not handle that...so I decided that I had give all that I could give..he was not giving..or sacraficing anything for US..


I don't think you caved...you communicated what you would put up with and what you would not...nothing wrong with that...do what feels right to you..you can changed your mind at anytime..that is your perogative (sp?)...remember just do what feels right FOR YOU!!!

lonlion

Karivan; Sounds like you made a decision based on your financial concerns as well as concern for him. I don't judge you for that. Just keep that in mind when/if he relapses, and try to stay detached. You made a decision. Do you know how long it will take to get your finances in order? Make a time line for that, and decide if you can tolerate him during that time period. If he stays sober, and off the porn, bonus. If not, then stick to your plan. Just a suggestion. Take care of yourself

osier59

Karivan,
It sounds like you made a good compromise and still have ability to set some pretty good boundaries.

Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can.

We love you!

Barb

Lorelai

Karivan -
Oh, the chances. I'm like you. I decided that I wanted him to move out, I told him so many times, he said just the right thing to keep me hanging on.

That wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I just had to prove to myself that what he said and what he did were often two different things. I had to learn to base my decisions on his actions, not his words.

I decided that, if he was really going to go to AA and get sober, he would do that whether he was living with me or not.
Hugs - L

gelfling

I guess it all depends on how you really feel about what you did; ie boundaries, separate bedrooms, etc. And are you going to stand by your own rules and follow them?

Been there, done that. For me personally, it didn't work. The promises were empty, he found excuses not to get help or go to meetings. He was working to late; he was tired, he didn't feel good.

I hope and pray for your sake that this will work for you. People can change if they really want to and maybe this is it for him. My prayers are with the 2 of you.

Blessings, Kathy

Ann

If you can have peace in your house with him still there, and if you are prepared to stick to your boundaries, I see nothing wrong with what you did. You are looking after your best interests and giving him another chance...and he has already taken positive action by not having a drink for two weeks.

You know, there are no rigid rules in recovery, just suggestions that we follow when we need to be led. And if the choices we make are good for us and don't enable them, I see nothing wrong with going with your heart. Sometimes that's where the real answers are.

Hugs
Ann

StandingStrong

We never know if our choices of the moment are going to be the right ones. We really have no control over the future. Goodness knows that we all wish that we could rely on our A's and believe in them, but the reality is - it's always a chance. And I think that often times we do give too many. However, that's not always the case. There is that little bit of hope that lives in us that tells us that this time might be the one chance that will be different and will be the right one.
You mentioned your financial status and wanting to get those bills paid off. Well, you know I think that's one of those things that you need to do as it is part of YOU! Regardless of what your A does (or doesn't do), please stay focused on you!

Peaches04

HI Karivan! Gosh, you and I are in the same boat and I can relate to every word you said! I did the exact same thing! I just told my AH to leave 2 weeks ago, so he said he'd quit drinking for 30 days (what happens in 30 days - I don't know yet). Then I decided that wasn't enough and that I wanted the behavior to change (selfishness, job problems, drama, etc..) so I was prepared again to ask him to leave. Same thing as with you - for the first time he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help - exactly as you described. So, I too am giving him another chance. I will be looking for actions. But, I can so relate to what you said about already planning the new room, etc. I am the same way! I've been thinking about my schedule and I think in my mind he was as good as gone...he really surprised me. So, now I'm feeling like you in wondering "did I just get taken again?" I hope we'll know soon enough... so, I just wanted to say PLEASE keep me informed on how it's going... I felt really good about my decision, but now I'm starting to second guess myself. I'll just have to wait and see about the actions. I'm concerned a little too because now it's only 2 days later and my husband has gone from going to buy the AA book and start pursuing that - to now he is looking at 'self help' books - which tells me he is not really owning that he is an alcholic, and is blaming his behavior on something else. He did quit drinking quite seemlessly for 2 weeks now, so I think now he is thiking he's not necessarily an alcholic, but knows he has some anger issues, etc.. Does it ever end! ugh!!! I'm just having a bad day I think.