SparkleKitty

The three years I spent on my own in the aftermath of the implosion of my first marriage due to my co-dependency issues were the most valuable years of my recovery and my life.

They were terrifying at first, but now I look back at them with pride and comfort. I know now that I can not only survive on my own bu thrive if circumstances warrant it. Frankly it is what has made all the difference in my current marriage to my best friend, and it was all worth the wait.

JustAnotherDay

I was doing so good!!! I guess then seeing any improvement and when he started to put it on me that he wanted to right his wrongs, there I was. I know he isnt good for me. I mean, why should I cry when he is rude? I love him and I wanted some good things to come from all my invested years I guess so I started to drift into wishful thinking land.

Thats what I am concerned about. He is SO very nice. Will do anything for me if I need it. Always had a good time with him when we would go on outings and dates, etc. But my issue was his insecurity. He was clingy because he didnt want me to "run off". I expressed this concern and of course its because he thinks (cough cough KNOWS) Im hung up on my AXBF. I didnt give him my full attention. Not fair to him but Im distracted. Maybe I could come back to this in time? I think I just need a vacation from anyone that has feelings! Ha!

My ex said that i had issues because I go from man to man. Though before him I was single for some time. Albeit, I didnt have any issues with my ex prior to him so now I just know that I was trying to fill my voids in time and companionship with someone else. And now I dont want to lose someone that might be worth something because I rushed

Why do they change us like this? Its so awful and Im tired of feeling awful.

SparkleKitty

I am with Dandylion here...it seems like the new guy has codependent and controlling issues as evidenced by his not being able to take your answer at face value. He is behaving as if he knows better what is good for you than you do and then couching it in "concern" and putting the onus on YOU to just "give him a chance."

He had a chance. Your ex had a chance. Now is the time for you to give YOURSELF a chance, with no safety net.

Praying

"I don't want to lose someone that might be worth something because I rushed"


IMO...if he's a good thing, and worth it, and it's meant to be, it will work out in your timing. You never have to rush. I try to remind my friends that a year or two or three is nothing in the face of a lifetime. If he's worth it he will accept your pace.

However--you do need to be fair with him. Were you never interested in the first place? Or do you just need time to figure out what you want and who you are?

Simply be honest and true to yourself and time will tell.

Severing your ties to XABF will help you a lot, independent of guy #2.

JustAnotherDay

Thank you all for your non-judgemental opinions and advice - it means so much because its too hard to explain to normies in my life. The last few years have been so hard on me. Much of it because of myself and my decisions. Ive tried so hard to learn lessons and to apply those lessons and just when I think Ive come along way, I feel back at square one. <3

dandylion

Soarklekitty is right about the safety net, I think.....
Can't use another person as a "safety net".....

Also, I don't think anyone could "blame" the new guy for not liking it that you are hung up on another guy....Personally, I would never stay with a guy that was hung up on someone else.....(I don't like "crumbs" or begging or being second to another woman, myself...lol).
I think his "problem" is that he doesn't accept your boundaries and treat his own self with respect. (maybe, some self esteem issues?).
Self esteem issues don't just vanish overnight. Trust me....if something is an issue in the beginning of a relationship....it just gets worse, after a commitment is made.....(unless, there is some deep digging therapy to get to the bottom of it).
"They" don't change us. Our reactions and behaviors come from within ourselves.

When we are in an awful situation and we are feeling "awful"....we don't start feeling better if we stay in the same awful place........

JustAnotherDay

I know how to live my life alone, I mean technically I did it for years when I was with my AXBF right? But I just feel rushed by the ticking of a clock that doesnt really exist. I just wanted to have a family and have more than myself to depend on. Turning 30 during all this has been extremely hard for me.

LexieCat

I'm with SparkleKitty. Guy #2 isn't respecting your wishes. He's insisting that you explain yourself, and if the explanation isn't satisfactory to him, he's trying to get you to change your mind.

That, to me, is a huge red flag. I don't know whether it's simple insecurity or control issues, but neither one bode well for a happy relationship. He can treat you like a queen, but if he's going to be managing your feelings for you, it's not healthy.

I'd just take a good, long break from ANY dating for a while. Work through your breakup with the ex. Get in touch with yourself. If you meet someone nice who asks you out, say, "thanks, I'm really not in a position to do that right now."

You've got a lot to work through, and the distractions don't help.

JustAnotherDay

I agree!!!!! O.M.G do I ever agree. But its just like I cant get it together and jump from the frying pan to the fire, back into the pan, etc etc. by making what I should know are careless mistakes. And maybe too Im too hard on myself and dont give myself credit for the things i DO achieve.

dandylion

Justanotherday.....my suggestion is to start being good to yourself by getting rid of the millsto nes around your neck.....(the millstones are the \men and their expectations that are not best for you).
Commit to a couple of years of diligent therapy and self exploration...gaining insight into yourself......with no dating. You are still very young, in the big picture.
Have you ever thought of freezing your eggs? It is all the rage, these days......

SparkleKitty

I hear you, but being alone and feeling alone are not the same thing.

I was 32 when I embarked on those 3 years alone, so I hear you on the invisible clocks. But becoming whole and healthy cannot be rushed. Sometimes you meet someone great and you just aren't ready. There are like 8 billion people in the world; the odds are in your favor that you will connect with someone else again. The point is to be wholly ready when you do, and to not be making your decisions based on anything other than, "I choose to be with this person not because I need to or have to, but because I want to." Before I actually FELT what that was like? I had no idea. I'd let myself pinball from relationship to relationship for so long I was no longer even conscious of my own decision-making.

I took those three years to learn to love MYSELF first, and that is the only thing that allows me to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

JustAnotherDay

You_Rock_

I hope to be this strong one day. I cry over everything at this point. I feel like Ive been on an emotional roller coaster for years. From feeling nothing and being numb to feeling everything. Its exhausting. I just really want to be left alone at this point.

SparkleKitty

You will be. Believe me. I went through all of that too, and if I could come out the other side of it, anyone can.