A friend asked me, "Is my BF an alcoholic?"
 

Last week I was catching up with one of my best friends over the phone, and after I caught her up on the latest and greatest of my soon to be XAH she asked me, "Should I be worried that my boyfriend is an alcoholic?"

Now, I should note that I've only met her bf one time (we don't live in the same state) and I'm far from an alcoholic expert - but I didn't "noticed" any red flags. In fact he seemed awesome! I come to find out, however, that he has had at least one red flag incident - he drunkenly drove over to her place one night after she stayed out later than she had originally told him (he also texted and called her numerous times that evening) and when he arrived he was visibly upset (no abuse, just "a mad drunk"). Then he also drunkenly drove back to his place... (I heard about this from our other best friend - small game of telephone I suppose).

I didn't know about the drunk driving incident when she and I spoke on the phone, so I told her "From what I know about your BF, I don't think he is one but do keep an eye out."

I now have a pit in my stomach... she desperately wants to be married, have kids, etc. and she wants this guy to be the one.

What advice should I give her? Tell her to keep an eye out for other red flags, tread carefully, or ??? (my gut is telling me I should bring it up again with her and let her know that if she's concerned then there may be something to it...)

Thanks!

Captain, I would agree w/you that if she's asking about him being an A, that in and of itself would indicate there are issues.

Is your friendship w/her such that you could direct her here to do some reading and educate herself? Clearly she's going to have to make her own decision, and it seems that if you can find a way for her to learn about alcoholism, what it really is and what she can expect as time passes, it would be a better situation than for you to be directly involved. Or at least that's my best shot at it...

Hopefully she is able to do what is best for her. You can't do anything to make the situation better, or worse. She is going to do what she wants to do either way.

Yeah, I'd direct her to information that allows her to educate herself so she can make her own decision. We often can't "diagnose" the people we LIVE with--I don't think you're going to be able to do that with someone you've met once or twice. Plenty of non-alcoholics have embarrassing drunken incidents. And if he behaves like a jerk, that might be all the reason she needs to move on. It's not as if she has to identify him as an alcoholic to do that.

Thank you for the sound advice!

Knowledge is power - I'll let her know there are some great resources out there (including SR!) if she has other questions and/or wants to learn more.

I think validating her is a good support as well. We all know too well how crazy it can make us NOT being validated.

"I hear you and understand you are concerned."
"You are smart, intuitive, and I hope you trust your gut."

I don't know if anything like that would have made a difference in MY actions in the beginning because I was pretty great about lying to myself and others about any problems I had...but now, and the healthier I get, THOSE are the words I appreciate from my friends.

Great point, firebolt.

I recently had a friend ask me if I thought her friend was an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time validating her feelings. I think the biggest thing is to make sure she feels understood and accepted for her feelings. When I was dealing with my exes drinking, one of the biggest things was many people acted like I was part of the problem.

And the reality check is important, too. EVERY alcoholic is going to say you're imagining things, I don't drink that much, look at so-and-so--s/he drinks more than I do, etc. So I think it's important to communicate that someone isn't crazy for worrying about it.

Thank you all again - Really appreciate it

I would tell her your story to let her know your experience. It sounds like she already has doubts, but is possibly going into an upcoming nightmare.

I think she should investigate on her own, but remember it is a progressive disease. No one knows when that switch is going to be flipped from "I can have just one". to "I cant have just one."

I don't know if he is alcoholic or not but I would be extremely concerned about the controlling behaviour that led him to drive drunk to her house in the first place. That doesn't go away just because he stops drinking.

You're all echoing my thoughts and concerns exactly. The fact that she even asked says something. I'm going to let her know I'm here for her for anything and also let her know of some online/other resources she can access if she has questions or concerns. I'll also remind her that she deserves to be treated with the utmost respect and should be cherished (not controlled).

Thank you all again.