Divorcing/Separating - Class of 2017

Old 01-12-2017, 07:40 AM
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Deep breaths qtpi. Deeeeeeep breaths.
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Old 01-12-2017, 01:35 PM
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I went to see a friend from alanon. trying to cultivate courage. went back to lawyers to sign more paperwork. waiting to hear back- his lawyer may have changed things to contested- someone did- not me. my lawyer has a call out to his lawyer. Is this a delaying tactic on his part? or an honest mistake in the courthouse?my lawyer told me everything was checked last week, and it was good to go except for the judge's signature. but there are three different stories from the court house between yesterday and today. I am seriously trying to work the first step. Ack! Deep breath!!
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Old 01-12-2017, 05:36 PM
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Originally Posted by qtpi View Post
I went to see a friend from alanon. trying to cultivate courage. went back to lawyers to sign more paperwork. waiting to hear back- his lawyer may have changed things to contested- someone did- not me. my lawyer has a call out to his lawyer. Is this a delaying tactic on his part? or an honest mistake in the courthouse?my lawyer told me everything was checked last week, and it was good to go except for the judge's signature. but there are three different stories from the court house between yesterday and today. I am seriously trying to work the first step. Ack! Deep breath!!
This is tough but it will pass.

Good on you for calling an Alanon friend. It's times like these that I would think they come in handy.

Please keep saying that serenity prayer and get yourself for a walk or a bubble bath!
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Old 01-12-2017, 07:48 PM
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took a walk. played in a band tonight. Alanon tomorrow. I don't know whether I should change lawyers. I like the one I have as a person, but I am wondering if she dropped the ball on this- or is family court just a big mess. What's left- the divorce part- as long as the paperwork is okay, it should be automatic, just later than I thought. I- and the financial settlement part.
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:19 PM
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Surprise

Well, divorce was filed Wednesday and AH served Thursday. I was terrified after I heard he had been served, especially after I received an email from him that just said "please call me when you can". I called him on speaker phone with my sister listening and he asked if we could get together to talk. I said yes, but only with his sister or my attorney present - - some third party. He agreed and we're meeting with my attorney on Monday. In the call, he said that of course our son and I should get to live in the house. Hmmmm. That's new. Not getting my hopes up, but I know he would love to avoid spending money on an attorney and would really love to avoid discussing his drinking in front of a bunch of strangers in court on Thursday. We'll see where this takes us. Trying not to have any expectations. I think when we start discussing his drinking and how that will impact his visitation, the angry AH might reappear.
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:22 PM
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Funny story...

I have just had an unpleasant afternoon--BIL came over, and AH gets these RIDICULOUS paranoid scenarios in his head in which he dies and his brother and I get together (believe me--NOT going to happen in a million years). He was just yelling at me for giving his brother some free food I brought home from work last night, accusing me of not telling HIM that I had it (I had, and he doesn't remember). Of course he had no problem spending almost $100 in 3 days feeding himself and his brother.

So, totally frustrated I went to my home office and went on Facebook, where one of my friends had posted this quote "A wise woman once said f**k this s**t, and she lived happily ever after."

I thought it was SO TIMELY that I tried to save it as a photo, but by mistake I saved it as my desktop picture. I have work in Houston on Monday in which I have to present some information on a screen in front of a group of people, and I have to remember to change my desktop picture back!!! But a) I'm keeping it for the weekend, and b) the thought of NOT changing it and seeing everyone's reaction kind of makes me laugh!

I almost want the T-shirt.
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Old 01-14-2017, 07:09 AM
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Solo....too funny!!!
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Old 01-14-2017, 08:11 AM
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There was a Facebook thing going around a while back: "I wish I had said f**k off a lot more."
I get it.
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Old 01-16-2017, 07:37 AM
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Well. The courts are closed today. The plan was for me to be divorced at the end of 2016. Then somehow- it is unclear if it is a court mistake or my STBXAH did it- my petition changed from uncontested to contested. I have a court date March 2. I think this is a delaying tactic to keep from paying alimony- and of course he gets to continue to live in the house that is paid for, while I pay rent. If it is a court mistake I am hoping it can get cleared up in the next couple of weeks- but it still may take until the end of February in that case.

I hope he can't delay it after March 2. I am working on cultivating courage, calmness, and equanimity as opposed to panicking, fuming, and fretting.
I remind myself I have a roof over my head, a good job, food, friends... and some nice new clothes since I lost all this weight.

Recently I wrote that I was in limbo until this is done. so now my attitude is this is my "gap" year. if a student takes a year off to think between high school and college that is the gap year.
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Old 01-16-2017, 07:54 AM
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That's a great way to look at it--a "gap year." Our lives don't have to march on in an orderly fashion--actually, most people's don't. They have health issues, kid issues, marriage issues, real estate issues, and those things have to be dealt with. I think it's a myth that everyone else's lives are going swimmingly while we are struggling. EVERYONE has struggles from time to time, and there has to be a time-out while we take care of what needs to be taken care of.

And in terms of the "contested" vs. "uncontested"--the fact is, you have issues that are contested, right? You aren't in agreement at this point. So it is, in fact, a contested divorce unless and until you come to an agreement.

It will all get resolved in due time. I think by changing your attitude about it, as you are, you will have a much less frustrating time until it all gets resolved.
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Old 01-16-2017, 10:27 AM
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it is possible to work out the financial details ahead of the actual divorce- but he won't negotiate- which means the financial details are delayed until after the actual divorce when his hand will be forced. As far as the actual divorce goes- in my state it can be for irreconciliable differences. If I have to go to court March 2 and describe what I went through, I sure hope any judge would grant a divorce and not expect me to stay in an abusive marriage. I wonder if he is going to show up and this is just a delaying tactic. I don't know what is behind this delay.
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Old 01-16-2017, 11:03 AM
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Breathe. May just be a simple thing.

Hugs.
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:03 PM
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I'm not sure I'm following--are you saying the divorce is granted first, and THEN there is an order dividing property? I've honestly never heard of such a thing in my 30-plus years of practicing law. The property settlement is PART of the divorce.

Are you sure you're understanding it correctly?

If you wouldn't mind PM'ing me about what state you live in, I'd really be curious to find out about this. Obviously, I can't give any legal advice, but you've got me curious now.
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:37 PM
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I can only say that that was the guts of my entire divorce, the property settlement and parenting plan. I am guessing she means they will go to court, divide the property, then file for contempt ie..force his hand, when he does not abide by the court order. However, if it's contested, that means you will have to go to court to figure it out so they can put it in the order, or at least that is how I have always understood it to work. Mine was uncontested, but we had the property settlement all worked out.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I'm not sure I'm following--are you saying the divorce is granted first, and THEN there is an order dividing property? I've honestly never heard of such a thing in my 30-plus years of practicing law. The property settlement is PART of the divorce.

Are you sure you're understanding it correctly?

If you wouldn't mind PM'ing me about what state you live in, I'd really be curious to find out about this. Obviously, I can't give any legal advice, but you've got me curious now.
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Old 01-16-2017, 01:53 PM
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Discussed Temp Orders with AH and Attorney Today

Hi Everyone - I am exhausted! I met with my AH at my attorney's office today. First of all, my AH agreed that DS 13 and I should live in the house so I asked him for his thoughts about living arrangements. He said, "Well I thought you would just come home. I haven't had any hard liquor since you left." Deeeeeep breath for me. I told him that if that was his expectation then he still truly didn't understand the depths of his problem and my feelings about his behavior. There was a lot more personal discussion but I told him that I planned to proceed. That he needed to do whatever was necessary to take care of his issues. That I hoped to avoid court appearances. That our son needs to be back in our home.

The attorney went through our thoughts related to temporary orders including DS and I in the house, visitation on 1st, 3rd and 5th Saturdays and Sundays (10 - 8 and 10 - 6). No overnights. Dinner date with DS once per week. Not supervised at this time. No child support at this time (I don't need it). I have final say for education, medical and counseling.

AH says he agrees but he hasn't started looking for a place. Attorney just sent me a draft. Hopefully, AH doesn't change his mind when he sees it in black and white.

I'm tired. Must take a nap. Thanks for all of your advice and support so far! WT
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Old 01-17-2017, 09:58 PM
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Westexy I'm excited for you. That sounds like real progress, and like your STBXAH is being reasonable, at least for the time being. Phew.

Hearthealth, To your point above about trying everything before giving up on your marriage so that your kids don't hold it against you, I know everyone's experience is different, but I left my STBXAH a year ago. Our children (then 9, 13, and 15) were understandably upset when we told them we were splitting, but they have never ever said anything about hoping we would get back together. I felt an amazing sense of possibility and peace as soon as I got out of the house, and I think they feel it, too. They do complain occasionally, but only because logistics are more challenging. Their lack of even asking if we're getting back together tells me they know our relationship was toxic.

I guess I'm saying that change is hard, but that doesn't mean staying with the status quo is better.
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Old 01-18-2017, 10:07 AM
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Mediation date set.... Hooray .... Maybe this horrible chapter of my life will close sooner than I thought
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Old 01-18-2017, 01:24 PM
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QTPI.....How are you doing? Any word?

Thinking about all of you today and sending lots of hugs and deep breaths!
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Old 01-18-2017, 01:33 PM
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No word. I may have to wait until the scheduled court date of march 2. Trying to remain calm and collected. I do feel angry about his maneuvering this. I certainly hope the judge grants me the divorce. I hope there is no possibility of the marriage not being dissolved. Could any judge be so cruel after hearing my story?
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Old 01-18-2017, 02:12 PM
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BTW, for the benefit of others here, I did check out the law where qtpi lives, and she is absolutely correct, that the divorce is granted first and other orders follow, after hearing. I was completely floored--as I said, never heard of such a thing, didn't see how it was possible.

This is ONE of the many reasons I don't give "legal advice" to folks here on the forum. There are tricky things like this in many jurisdictions, and only someone licensed to practice there is qualified to give legal advice.

I do, however, like to suggest things to think about or to consider that may be applicable in most places. Maybe to suggest things to discuss with a lawyer. It's NEVER a substitute for actual legal advice.
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