Divorcing/Separating - Class of 2017
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by savingmein2017 
I need words of wisdom .. if I can share just a little more of my story.. husband of 10+ years drinks everyday ,he is very disconnected and he feels as long as he provides for me financially ; what else do I want... , luckily I'm in charge of the marital finances and debts ( major reason is everything is in my name ) hubby destroyed his credit twice after I worked so hard to rebuild it for him. Any bill/debt he creates he hides it and does not pay it. He has not filed income tax in a few years ( I refuse to file with him) because he is always engaging in some shady financial deals. If I try and have a conversation regarding marriage , finances , home , health anything .. he deflects ..his response is always not now ,, he is stressed. ( not sure why , when I handle 95% of everything) IF I really hold him to the fire he will do a few things I ask once or twice but there is never any consistency which is what aggravates me. Because I feel he is not genuinely trying to make us better he is just doing it so I will go away. But all this doesn't matter because as I stated I have filed for divorce. The real kicker is instead of him acknowledging our marriage is in trouble he has taken to Facebook advising the world we are not together and is now entertaining some tramp he met at a bar. I just don't understand this whole thing. Where is the commitment we made?
You are trying to apply logic and ethics to a man who has neither. I am no expert, but his seems to me like narcissistic behavior--idealize, devalue, discard. It hurts when they discard you, but I bet he'll come try to hoover you back eventually. Be careful! Best thing with these types is to go no contact because it can really screw with the codie mind. Mine did something similar after I found out about his multiply affairs. I had to ask myself if I would continue to be dragged down by the "go away, come here" dance of his alcoholic/Cluster B drama, or if I was going to let him go and start taking care of my self.
He is not interested in you feeling better. He is interested in HIM feeling better. Doesn't matter the cost to you. He understands what it does to you and he doesn't care. You, on the other hand, have ethics and a moral compass so will never understand his actions. Stop trying. It will just make you crazy and in doing so, he knows he still has you on stand-by. Is that what you want out of life?
Go to meetings, continue to post and read here. You say you filed, so communicate with him through your lawyer if possible. I also found the website chumplady.com that has helped me break away from my STXAH who is not only an addict, but a serial cheater, too.
Go no contact. If you have kids, go grey rock with him. Don't feed his need for narcissistic supply. If people are telling you about his terrible behavior, politely ask them to stop. If they don't respect your boundary, you don't need them right now, either. That's just fuel for his drama. Detach and take care of YOU. Stay strong, my friend. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
yes I agree with the no contact. Because the more I tried to contact him to discuss the minor divorce /financial details without attorney involvement
( I advised him this is the best cost effective approach) the more he avoided me with the no contact. He was in a meeting , unavailable to talk right now , he even told me "I don't know what I want to do" : he doesn't want to think about that right now ...etc as if he still had control. ROFL
SO to add salt to the wound this behavior continued for 9 months without him providing any financial support to the marital debt ( Not my debt) He just told my attorney that I have manage to pay the bills this long why should he have to give me money . Where does his logic come from?
( I advised him this is the best cost effective approach) the more he avoided me with the no contact. He was in a meeting , unavailable to talk right now , he even told me "I don't know what I want to do" : he doesn't want to think about that right now ...etc as if he still had control. ROFL
SO to add salt to the wound this behavior continued for 9 months without him providing any financial support to the marital debt ( Not my debt) He just told my attorney that I have manage to pay the bills this long why should he have to give me money . Where does his logic come from?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
Where does his logic come from?
From here on, just assume he has no interest in cooperating or saving you any money or doing the right thing. Go straight to your lawyer and let him/her deal with it.
Incidentally, to the extent he runs up legal bills by engaging in unreasonable behavior (e.g., requiring motions to enforce orders already issued), you may be able to hold him responsible for your legal fees. Discuss it with your lawyer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
I'm also going to take the advice to go to a Al-non meeting. I'm really beginning to see my denial. I have collected 5 vodka bottles from under the kitchen sink , approx. 10 bottles in bags hidden various corner of the garage. I find myself trying to justify his behavior by saying maybe these bottles have been here for months. There is no way he consumed that much alcohol on a month? right . He was never sloppy drunk. There is no way he could have drank that much with no effect other than passing out on the couch? right?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Um, no, it's perfectly possible to drink all that in a month. I used to put away a couple of bottles like that per week. And nothing dramatic happened. I mostly just got slow, but everyone's reaction is different. Also, the deeper you get into the addiction, the less effect it has (to a point--at some point that sometimes reverses).
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
I am currently working towards making changes in our plutonic marriage. We have been together for over 20 years and have 2 teenagers.
He drinks daily. But has reduced his consumption SIGNIFICANTLY since I asked him to move out 12 months ago. HIs response to my request last year was to walk around town for 2 days crying and going to Doctor for anti depressants and send me nasty texts. He didn't leave. Things have been better.
We work well as a team in regards to the kids. I am the primary wage earner and I always have been. He works casually.
The changes involve extensions on the house (more debt for me) so I can have my own space in the house and the teenagers also having more space. I am working towards "Separated living under the same roof" and eventually divorce when the kids are independent. He WILL get 50% of everything when we finally divorce. I accept that.
I just need space. I need to be able to pursue other relationships (eventually) and I need him to be financially independent from me. There is a lot to sort out and I have to discuss with him the idea of officially making the change. Life is easier for HIM as it is.
I am working towards change for us with minimal change for the kids. Fingers crossed we can make this work
He drinks daily. But has reduced his consumption SIGNIFICANTLY since I asked him to move out 12 months ago. HIs response to my request last year was to walk around town for 2 days crying and going to Doctor for anti depressants and send me nasty texts. He didn't leave. Things have been better.
We work well as a team in regards to the kids. I am the primary wage earner and I always have been. He works casually.
The changes involve extensions on the house (more debt for me) so I can have my own space in the house and the teenagers also having more space. I am working towards "Separated living under the same roof" and eventually divorce when the kids are independent. He WILL get 50% of everything when we finally divorce. I accept that.
I just need space. I need to be able to pursue other relationships (eventually) and I need him to be financially independent from me. There is a lot to sort out and I have to discuss with him the idea of officially making the change. Life is easier for HIM as it is.
I am working towards change for us with minimal change for the kids. Fingers crossed we can make this work
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
My AH moved out about 5 weeks ago. I'm not sure if I will file for divorce. Right now I'm not going to. He says he's going to meetings & he hasn't been drinking at all. I'm not sure I believe him. We still talk and he sees the kids regularly. He seems almost giddy that he is no longer here (I'm the one who made him leave). I'm guessing he is happy he has no family responsibility any longer. Not that he did too much with us or helped around the house.
I'm not sure what to think right now. I have been reflecting over the decades of my marriage. The signs of addiction were there from day one. I just didn't think he was lying to me all these years. It wasn't until his drinking turned into a sloppy drunk that I knew there was a problem. Now I know he had an addiction for many, many years.
I like my life now without him. The kids and I are doing nothing else than what we did before he left the home. He really didn't do anything with us. But the calmness in the home is almost magical.
I can't imagine living with him again. Maybe if his drinking really stops then we can start over but not live together.
I sometimes miss him, but then I think of the ****** things he has done to me & the kids & that missing him feeling goes away.
I'm not sure what to think right now. I have been reflecting over the decades of my marriage. The signs of addiction were there from day one. I just didn't think he was lying to me all these years. It wasn't until his drinking turned into a sloppy drunk that I knew there was a problem. Now I know he had an addiction for many, many years.
I like my life now without him. The kids and I are doing nothing else than what we did before he left the home. He really didn't do anything with us. But the calmness in the home is almost magical.
I can't imagine living with him again. Maybe if his drinking really stops then we can start over but not live together.
I sometimes miss him, but then I think of the ****** things he has done to me & the kids & that missing him feeling goes away.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Westexy,
Thanks for starting this thread; it's really helpful.
In answer to your question about what we're doing today to move forward, I spent the morning reading up on the laws regarding divorce in my state, educating myself on what I might expect if we go to court and therefore what might be a reasonable agreement, since we're trying to avoid court and high legal fees. My STBXAH made what I thought was a lowball offer; after reading the law, I know I was right.
That said, I also reviewed our separation correspondence over the last year (I moved out 11/1/15) and made the grim realization that the only time STBXAH agrees to something he doesn't like is when someone else (attorneys, therapists, mediators) make him realize it's better to do it than to go to court and then do it.
Thanks for starting this thread; it's really helpful.
In answer to your question about what we're doing today to move forward, I spent the morning reading up on the laws regarding divorce in my state, educating myself on what I might expect if we go to court and therefore what might be a reasonable agreement, since we're trying to avoid court and high legal fees. My STBXAH made what I thought was a lowball offer; after reading the law, I know I was right.
That said, I also reviewed our separation correspondence over the last year (I moved out 11/1/15) and made the grim realization that the only time STBXAH agrees to something he doesn't like is when someone else (attorneys, therapists, mediators) make him realize it's better to do it than to go to court and then do it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sauerkraut, I'd suggest you propose that you each consult a lawyer about what is likely to happen if you go to court. You can still do the negotiating and, if you agree, handle the paperwork yourself. You'd still save money on legal fees. But a small investment in legal advice up front can be well worth the money. That's basically what I did in my first divorce (in the second there was virtually nothing to divide so I handled it all myself).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Today the STBXAH filed an opposition response to my motion for temporary spousal support and petition for divorce. HMMM he has been out of the marital home over 10 months and has not paid one marital bill nor has he given me any money to pay a bill. I'm going out of mind trying to figure out how I could spend 10 years of my life with a person with zero values , morals or conscience . How did I spend 10 years with someone who hide every brand of vodka there is under the sinks ,the garage and guess what I found a bottle beside a tree in the backyard. He should say I'm wrong , I 'm going to let her go. I'm going cause her as less pain as possible. Instead he wants to turn this into a battle. Now he wants to appear to man up and fight a battle. When he was in the house I couldn't get him to fix the mailbox. 
or any other normal chores men do on Saturday. Nope to busy with his bottle and red cup. Why does he act like I'm the enemy. I have done nothing to him. I do not contact him at all. I'm not angry. I just won't out.
or any other normal chores men do on Saturday. Nope to busy with his bottle and red cup. Why does he act like I'm the enemy. I have done nothing to him. I do not contact him at all. I'm not angry. I just won't out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Lexie,
Yes, my STBXAH and I both have consulting attorneys, and I'm meeting with mine tomorrow. However, we've already racked up considerable legal fees, so we're trying to do as much as we can on our own. That said, I totally take your point about not agreeing to anything unless my attorney advises me to do so. (Apparently, however, on the issue of the likely outcome in court, our attorneys have diametrically opposed opinions.)
BTW: for anyone interested in trying to write their own divorce agreement, there is an excellent, easy, template that you can use on Rocket Lawyer. It helped me bang out virtually the whole 20-page thing today, minus the parts we're disputing, in half a day . . . which would have been at least $2,000 in attorney fees where I live.
Yes, my STBXAH and I both have consulting attorneys, and I'm meeting with mine tomorrow. However, we've already racked up considerable legal fees, so we're trying to do as much as we can on our own. That said, I totally take your point about not agreeing to anything unless my attorney advises me to do so. (Apparently, however, on the issue of the likely outcome in court, our attorneys have diametrically opposed opinions.)
BTW: for anyone interested in trying to write their own divorce agreement, there is an excellent, easy, template that you can use on Rocket Lawyer. It helped me bang out virtually the whole 20-page thing today, minus the parts we're disputing, in half a day . . . which would have been at least $2,000 in attorney fees where I live.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
My divorce update! Still waiting. The papers are at the court house and the judge hasn't signed them yet. I am in " the void." I don't want to make decisions until after the financial settlement which is probably many months away. While I am in the void, I am working, making new friends, developing my hobbies. I looked through a diary from before I left- and I realized much of what I struggled with at that time has lessened- mainly depression, anxiety, hoarding. I live rather simply, and have tossed a lot of clothes that don't fit, household things that don't serve me or please me.
Before I left, I thought of the cost- I would have less money, less free time, probably not have a romantic relationship again( I am 62 and a woman). I would lose my neighbors, and STBXAH's best friend and wife. I would move from my beautiful home- to simpler surroundings. I am happy to say my little apartment is comfortable and safe. But I could no longer live with an alcoholic who refused treatment and was abusive to me.
I did not count on losing my grown children. DS won't talk with me. DD has resumed her anger, and talking with her has been downright hurtful.
I tried to talk with her on Sunday- saying what am I doing wrong? Why can't we have a conversation? I was shocked when she brought up that I was no longer friends with STBXAH's best friend and his wife- that I didn't want to listen to them because they say I should go back. I said how can you expect me to be friends with them and put them in the middle? She admitted being angry with me and told me I was "self-absorbed." DD just wants me to go back. I told her I didn't know what to do-I offered to get a counselor on the phone with us- because she live so far away but she has refused, told me to see a counselor on my own, and just to think about it- to think about what's wrong, and maybe why DS won't talk with me. And why won't I listen to people who think I should go back? Like herself, DS, and STBXAH's best friend.
DD seems to be stuck on this theme- after 7 months. Which is weird- because she herself broke up a 2-year marriage- because she wasn't feeling it anymore. Good decision before kids!
So - after all this time- I have decided to go no contact with DD. So sad to do this because now I have no kids. I don't feel as devastated as I did in the summer when DS wouldn't talk with me. I think I am getting stronger and healthier.
I am going forward with the divorce even if I never see my children again. I have to live my life for myself.
Before I left, I thought of the cost- I would have less money, less free time, probably not have a romantic relationship again( I am 62 and a woman). I would lose my neighbors, and STBXAH's best friend and wife. I would move from my beautiful home- to simpler surroundings. I am happy to say my little apartment is comfortable and safe. But I could no longer live with an alcoholic who refused treatment and was abusive to me.
I did not count on losing my grown children. DS won't talk with me. DD has resumed her anger, and talking with her has been downright hurtful.
I tried to talk with her on Sunday- saying what am I doing wrong? Why can't we have a conversation? I was shocked when she brought up that I was no longer friends with STBXAH's best friend and his wife- that I didn't want to listen to them because they say I should go back. I said how can you expect me to be friends with them and put them in the middle? She admitted being angry with me and told me I was "self-absorbed." DD just wants me to go back. I told her I didn't know what to do-I offered to get a counselor on the phone with us- because she live so far away but she has refused, told me to see a counselor on my own, and just to think about it- to think about what's wrong, and maybe why DS won't talk with me. And why won't I listen to people who think I should go back? Like herself, DS, and STBXAH's best friend.
DD seems to be stuck on this theme- after 7 months. Which is weird- because she herself broke up a 2-year marriage- because she wasn't feeling it anymore. Good decision before kids!
So - after all this time- I have decided to go no contact with DD. So sad to do this because now I have no kids. I don't feel as devastated as I did in the summer when DS wouldn't talk with me. I think I am getting stronger and healthier.
I am going forward with the divorce even if I never see my children again. I have to live my life for myself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi.....it looks , to me, like your daughter is the tail trying to wag the dog.....
She still has some maturing to do......
go on living your l ife to the fullest.....while she is still "growing up".......
She still has some maturing to do......
go on living your l ife to the fullest.....while she is still "growing up".......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
I'm also going to take the advice to go to a Al-non meeting. I'm really beginning to see my denial. I have collected 5 vodka bottles from under the kitchen sink , approx. 10 bottles in bags hidden various corner of the garage. I find myself trying to justify his behavior by saying maybe these bottles have been here for months. There is no way he consumed that much alcohol on a month? right . He was never sloppy drunk. There is no way he could have drank that much with no effect other than passing out on the couch? right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Sometimes Things Don't Go According to Plan
Well, I had been planning to file for divorce at the beginning of February, but then Friday night happened. My AH was wasted and behaving very strangely (not for him when he's drinking though) and I felt threatened and scared. I knew at a minimum it was going to be "one of those nights". No physical violence occurred (and never has) but I wasn't sure what to do, so for the first time in my life I made a call to 911. I told them I didn't think it was an emergency but that my husband was behaving strangely, that I was scared and that I would like someone to come check on him.
Between the time of my call ending and the time the police arrived, the following happened:
-My AH said "311? What a *****."
-I found my son crying in his room and found out AH had started in on him before he started in on me.
-AH changed from shorts and a tshirt to slacks and a nice shirt.
The police suggested I go stay with my sister and told me they could be present when I returned the next day. There's no way I can live under the same roof anymore, if I'm scared to the point of calling the police. I never imagined this would be life, but so it is.
So now son and I are staying with family. Divorce will be filed tomorrow. AH should be served by Wednesday. So much to do. Therapists lined up for son and myself. Questionnaires and information completed for attorney. Keep things on track at work.
Thank goodness I have my family. Love and peace to you all tonight.
Between the time of my call ending and the time the police arrived, the following happened:
-My AH said "311? What a *****."
-I found my son crying in his room and found out AH had started in on him before he started in on me.
-AH changed from shorts and a tshirt to slacks and a nice shirt.
The police suggested I go stay with my sister and told me they could be present when I returned the next day. There's no way I can live under the same roof anymore, if I'm scared to the point of calling the police. I never imagined this would be life, but so it is.
So now son and I are staying with family. Divorce will be filed tomorrow. AH should be served by Wednesday. So much to do. Therapists lined up for son and myself. Questionnaires and information completed for attorney. Keep things on track at work.
Thank goodness I have my family. Love and peace to you all tonight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Count me in. Big ((HUGS)) to all of you who are facing fear and uncertainty with all of this.
I left my STBXAH in 2015, and filed for divorce in November of that year. Then I faced some major work problems in February of 2016. That, along with my STBXAH's foot dragging, resulted in my petition getting dismissed in June of 2016. I wasn't able to re-file (work problems persisted and I couldn't miss work, plus coming up with the filing fee AGAIN was a challenge).
Well now my STBXAH has found himself a girlfriend, and is more cooperative. At no point have we disagreed on the terms of our divorce or our parenting plan--his foot dragging was just his refusal to accept that things were over. Now that he has a girlfriend, I told him he is to show up at my office on Thursday afternoon. We will sign our JOINT petition for divorce, he will give me half the filing fee, and I will file everything on Friday. There is a four month waiting period, during which we will put together the rest of our documentation, and everything should be final by late May or early June. I told him if he's not here to sign and pay on Thursday, I will file on my own on Friday and he will be on his own in terms of figuring out this process. I think he is aware how stupid and wasteful that would be, since we don't disagree on anything. Plus--GIRLFRIEND. He finally has a personal interest in getting the divorce done, and you better believe I am going to MOVE while he has this incentive.
I left my STBXAH in 2015, and filed for divorce in November of that year. Then I faced some major work problems in February of 2016. That, along with my STBXAH's foot dragging, resulted in my petition getting dismissed in June of 2016. I wasn't able to re-file (work problems persisted and I couldn't miss work, plus coming up with the filing fee AGAIN was a challenge).
Well now my STBXAH has found himself a girlfriend, and is more cooperative. At no point have we disagreed on the terms of our divorce or our parenting plan--his foot dragging was just his refusal to accept that things were over. Now that he has a girlfriend, I told him he is to show up at my office on Thursday afternoon. We will sign our JOINT petition for divorce, he will give me half the filing fee, and I will file everything on Friday. There is a four month waiting period, during which we will put together the rest of our documentation, and everything should be final by late May or early June. I told him if he's not here to sign and pay on Thursday, I will file on my own on Friday and he will be on his own in terms of figuring out this process. I think he is aware how stupid and wasteful that would be, since we don't disagree on anything. Plus--GIRLFRIEND. He finally has a personal interest in getting the divorce done, and you better believe I am going to MOVE while he has this incentive.
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