savingmein2017

The funny thing is he was not violent. My issue is I had the entire weight of the marriage on my shoulders. He went to work and provided financially for the family but that's it though. He Drank everyday then Friday and Satuday he's out till 2-3am every week as long as I didn't complain all is fine. When I did say something then I'm the miserable A Bih ......

hearthealth

My MIL used this line on me. I think it was her way of rationalizing FIL. At first I agreed, but as time went on I realized if you want more of a relationship then it is only an excuse. People deserve so much more.

honeypig

I think a lot of us use that as some kind of "dividing line", like "if he doesn't hit me, then it can't be that bad." I know I felt that way--since there was never any physical threat, was I really justified in leaving? I mean, he'd lied to me about everything under the sun and spent thousands and thousands of dollars that were supposed to be retirement savings, but gee, he didn't HIT me, so maybe things were not too bad, really?

How crazy is THAT?!?! Talk about lowering the bar..."well, if I can find a man who doesn't hit me, then he's good enough to marry." Yikes!

savingmein2017

I was not saying " I lowered the bar" as you put it. I was saying that I knew to look out for the explosive violent drunk. My husband flew under my radar because he hid the vodka in the garage and under sinks etc. I knew he had that red cup every night till he passed out but my dilemma was he's not there for you but he also is not bothering you. So let it be. The issue is I have hit my limits with it now.

hearthealth

I was having fortune cookies with my DD9. Her fortune states, "You are going to have a wonderful home this year." She stated " That's not going to happen." I stayed quiet and just smiled.

dandylion

savingme....I was not saying that "you may have saved your own life"....as in physical violence..no. I was saying that you have probably "saved" your EMOTIONAL life.....since, I don't see him as remotely ready to reach for recovery.......

You are going to be o.k......

savingmein2017

You are so right .... Emotionally I'm exhausted.. I keep asking myself why didn't i leave him? How dare he up and leave because I said I'm not happy living like this.

Ladybird579

Savingme you will one day get through feeling embarrassed for him too. My exah sat in a taxi, his clothes covered in faeces, with me a few weeks ago and I didn't bat an eyelid. It was his embarrassment , not mine. I used to cringe at some of the stuff he did. Eventually I realised it was his problem. You will be fine xx

TropicalWinter

Lexie, we live in the same county, and there is no record of him filing. He's so full of it, but like I said, I'm biding my time for now.

garnetwaters

I just filed in December and expect it to be final soon after the 60 day period. (fingers crossed) So hopefully, by February I will be free after 19 years with him. Mine was particularly awful, so I am glad I finally made the decision, but I'm sad I tolerated so much intolerable stuff before I got there. I learned so much and I think it's made me smarter and stronger, but I still have some weak days. Isn't it crazy how hard it is for us codies? Sigh. I have to remind myself to stop looking back and start looking forward. Somewhere on another site I read that it was like that movie 127 hours where you can slowly die in the abyss, or you can cut your arm off and go on living.

Westexy

What will you do this week to make progress or to care for yourself as you wait for your situation to be resolved?

I'm going to contact my attorney and make an appointment as soon as they can get me in. I'm considering going to an AlAnon meeting tonight for the first time, but I probably won't. I have tickets to a comedy show tomorrow night and two nights out of the house in a row tends to create problems. I don't have the strength to deal with those problems this week.

savingmein2017

I need words of wisdom .. if I can share just a little more of my story.. husband of 10+ years drinks everyday ,he is very disconnected and he feels as long as he provides for me financially ; what else do I want... , luckily I'm in charge of the marital finances and debts ( major reason is everything is in my name ) hubby destroyed his credit twice after I worked so hard to rebuild it for him. Any bill/debt he creates he hides it and does not pay it. He has not filed income tax in a few years ( I refuse to file with him) because he is always engaging in some shady financial deals. If I try and have a conversation regarding marriage , finances , home , health anything .. he deflects ..his response is always not now ,, he is stressed. ( not sure why , when I handle 95% of everything) IF I really hold him to the fire he will do a few things I ask once or twice but there is never any consistency which is what aggravates me. Because I feel he is not genuinely trying to make us better he is just doing it so I will go away. But all this doesn't matter because as I stated I have filed for divorce. The real kicker is instead of him acknowledging our marriage is in trouble he has taken to Facebook advising the world we are not together and is now entertaining some tramp he met at a bar. I just don't understand this whole thing. Where is the commitment we made?

CaptainM

savingme - oh boy. There's a lot on your plate. Sounds like you have an attorney if you've filed for divorce. Does your attorney know he isn't filing for taxes? I would hate for that to come back and haunt you one day... Sound legal advice is a great starting block.

As for your marriage and commitments - I feel you. It's so heartbreaking to watch someone repeatedly chose alcohol over you. You've accepted too little for too long from him. You deserve better! He's probably "stressed" because you're putting things in action that he doesn't like (i.e. divorce! Does he know?) I'm sorry he's blabbering all over Facebook. I personally deleted the app from my phone a few days ago and I haven't regretted it

Have you tried Al Anon? Face to face support could be wonderful! Hugs to you - keep posting and we'll do our best to share our experience, strength and hope (ESH!)

savingmein2017

yes < luckily I'm able to afford an attorney and I did advise of his failure to file ( he doesn't have an attorney).
He responded to the divorce petition ( Pro Se)
Regarding Facebook - I'm not a Facebook fan and I don't have a profile. Unfortunately family , friends seemed to want to advise me of his shenanigans. ( of course I have ask them to refrain)
************I do have a question though ******** many posters say that the alcoholic spouse is the weaker in the relationship. I'm just stunned how he (the alcoholic spouse ) found the strength to walk out on me( I had major grounds/reasons to walk out on him and I never did)

LexieCat

Most likely, the feels that walking out will make it easier for him to keep drinking the way he wants to. He's probably not thinking about anything beyond that.

"Weaker" depends on what you're talking about. The weakest alcoholic can show surprising strength, determination, and ingenuity when it comes to keeping the addiction going.

dandylion

savingme....he has other things to get his "feel good".
If you were asking him to give up his alcohol...his main coping mechanism....it was probably a lot easier to go with the alcohol.....
The active alcoholic cannot imagine living without it...literally

savingmein2017

the funny thing is I never got the chance to mention the word alcohol. I said I'm not happy and "we" need to make some changes . We need to work on our marriage and if he is not willing to or doesn't love me enough to change then he can leave. And out the door he went

dandylion

savingme.....trust me....he knew you were talking about his drinking...even if the word was never mentioned.

Lilro

Hey Tropical. Listen, I'm glad the biding of your time has worked in your favor so far but.........
Keep in mind, while you are still married any legal issues that he may get into could be yours. Don't bide too long..
XO Ro

Lilro

Saving

Unfortunately he is showing you that he doesn't want to work on the marriage, he wants to drink. Believe his actions.
I know you can't see it now but he did you a favor by leaving. Soooooooo
Whatcha' gonna do for YOU from this point on?? That's where you need to be putting your energy.
Read around, fill your head with knowledge about alcoholism, get to Alanon or a therapist but please do it for YOU not him. The only one that can help him is him.

Get on it!
Ro