dating and brought myself along
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
dating and brought myself along
Hello Loves Happy New Year
I used to hang out here quite a bit years ago. Left the AH finally and living alone with our two kids. I've dated a bit, not much cause to be honest I really love my life but I started dating someone late october and lost my mind apparently. I think he just wants a booty call, but I'm in L-O-V-E meaning my abandonment buttons have been pushed
rather I allowed them to be pushed
he's young, much younger and I thought it didn't matter but my sister said "he's just a boy Charmie, you forgot that."
anyways, cried all night last night when he ditched me on NYE. Today I'm actually confused because I know he didn't do anything to me, and the anger I would ordinarily feel isn't there. He's just doing his life and circles around to my bed about twice a week. I want more. Now I have to be true to myself and tell him goodbye even though I want to keep letting him back in and hope things will change.
My god lol there's some honesty for you. I'm so grateful I can see it.
I know it's up to me to look the other way, stop focusing on this issue and focus instead on myself. I was the happiest I've ever been when we met, and it's because I practiced myself into that place, so I know I can do it again.
I'll do 30 yoga classes in 30 days and that'll whip me into shape. I think the sharp pain of this will help motivate me at a time when I just want to cry and be on the couch.
realistically everything else is fabulous in my life. Now, I guess, I get to ferret out this ancient little blister. You good people were so loving and helpful when I was here before, thank you in advance for sharing your stories.
I don't subscribe to self depreciating stuff anymore, so i don't believe this is how I am or that I always make bad choices, I know this is actually one of the deepest and rare issues I carry and also know I can love myself back into a joyful state.
Happy New Year to all. Sending love and healing and peace
I used to hang out here quite a bit years ago. Left the AH finally and living alone with our two kids. I've dated a bit, not much cause to be honest I really love my life but I started dating someone late october and lost my mind apparently. I think he just wants a booty call, but I'm in L-O-V-E meaning my abandonment buttons have been pushed
rather I allowed them to be pushed
he's young, much younger and I thought it didn't matter but my sister said "he's just a boy Charmie, you forgot that."
anyways, cried all night last night when he ditched me on NYE. Today I'm actually confused because I know he didn't do anything to me, and the anger I would ordinarily feel isn't there. He's just doing his life and circles around to my bed about twice a week. I want more. Now I have to be true to myself and tell him goodbye even though I want to keep letting him back in and hope things will change.
My god lol there's some honesty for you. I'm so grateful I can see it.
I know it's up to me to look the other way, stop focusing on this issue and focus instead on myself. I was the happiest I've ever been when we met, and it's because I practiced myself into that place, so I know I can do it again.
I'll do 30 yoga classes in 30 days and that'll whip me into shape. I think the sharp pain of this will help motivate me at a time when I just want to cry and be on the couch.
realistically everything else is fabulous in my life. Now, I guess, I get to ferret out this ancient little blister. You good people were so loving and helpful when I was here before, thank you in advance for sharing your stories.
I don't subscribe to self depreciating stuff anymore, so i don't believe this is how I am or that I always make bad choices, I know this is actually one of the deepest and rare issues I carry and also know I can love myself back into a joyful state.
Happy New Year to all. Sending love and healing and peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi transform! Man, this brings up memories! You sound like you're probably a very self-sufficient woman who doesn't "need things from him" but just "wants him"? That was me 5 years into my boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that started in 2001. It was NYE in 2005 when I found that there were no plans for "us" that I had my epiphany- I wanted more, he obviously didn't. And as I told him "that's ok - we just want different things and I no longer choose to be a "weekend girlfriend". And we split, amicably. We both started dating others, he went on a two week vacation overseas by himself, and came home vowing to "get me back". We were married within 5 months of me saying goodbye and have been going strong for 10-1/2 years! I'm not saying this is what will happen for you, but just know that it's OK to say "no thanks... it's been fun and I love you lots but I just want more".
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks Refiner, ordinarily yes this is how I operate, but I'm feeling like I embarrassed myself, chasing after him, and now today I'm not feeling very empowered lol jjust abandoned.
I know what to do though, but just want to lay on the couch and cry
I know what to do though, but just want to lay on the couch and cry
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
transformyself.....cut yourself a break....the hormones involved in early attraction---bonding hormones...are very, very, powerful...
Under the "spell" of these hormones...it the closest to a drug high, by natural means, that you will ever see...!
You can thank Mother Nature for that.....
Under the "spell" of these hormones...it the closest to a drug high, by natural means, that you will ever see...!
You can thank Mother Nature for that.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hey transformie! sorry for the down bits, but if this started in late October and now it's just barely January, you perception and self-awareness are just clicking right along! you met someone you like, and someone that you like how you feel about yourself around (versus how he MAKES you feel), you enjoy each other..........but..........for him it's more transitory and you desire a bit more permanence.
and that is really ok. upholding our own values isn't always a trip to Disneyland.....but too many rides on the rollercoasters can leave us feeling yucky.
gosh how old are your kids now? i bet they are just thriving in their new normal! good to see you.
and that is really ok. upholding our own values isn't always a trip to Disneyland.....but too many rides on the rollercoasters can leave us feeling yucky.
gosh how old are your kids now? i bet they are just thriving in their new normal! good to see you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Welcome back Transform!
I love hearing that in this cycle you know what to do. Parts of getting older are really nice. ***** for the 30 in 30. I just came back from a trip to Mexico where I wound up doing a lot of yoga; my back feels better than it has felt better in months.
Let us know how you do and come on over to the Women's Forum. A bunch of us work together to fill up a thread on Self-care.
I love hearing that in this cycle you know what to do. Parts of getting older are really nice. ***** for the 30 in 30. I just came back from a trip to Mexico where I wound up doing a lot of yoga; my back feels better than it has felt better in months.
Let us know how you do and come on over to the Women's Forum. A bunch of us work together to fill up a thread on Self-care.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh thanks everyone. Such kind wise suggestions.
I'm ok now, except am surprised by the sudden weeping when I realize I can't see him anymore. I think I triggered something ancient, some ACOA crap likely because it feels like abandonment.
where is the womens forum? I'd love that.
My kids are 15 and 19 now. This last year was unbelievable. they had a physical altercation with their dad after we were seperated and now he's COMPLETLY out of the picture. they won't have anything to do with him. He gives me about $60 every other week, and I try to check in on him on a regular basis. I fully expect him to kill himself eventually, now that he's lost his entire family. But he just keeps drinking and riding his scooter to work because the state will never give him his liscence back and drinking himself stupid. Not sure how long one can survive like that but it's not my problem anymore.
the kids are surviving remarkably. they're sick of me, having only one parent sucks I think lol but they really are ok.
I'm weary already of this weeping and sadness. getting punched in the solar plexis. The worst part is that I don't think he played me. I think he just wants something different and really does care about me like he says he does. it's easier to be angry I think.
thanks again everyone. Peace
I'm ok now, except am surprised by the sudden weeping when I realize I can't see him anymore. I think I triggered something ancient, some ACOA crap likely because it feels like abandonment.
where is the womens forum? I'd love that.
My kids are 15 and 19 now. This last year was unbelievable. they had a physical altercation with their dad after we were seperated and now he's COMPLETLY out of the picture. they won't have anything to do with him. He gives me about $60 every other week, and I try to check in on him on a regular basis. I fully expect him to kill himself eventually, now that he's lost his entire family. But he just keeps drinking and riding his scooter to work because the state will never give him his liscence back and drinking himself stupid. Not sure how long one can survive like that but it's not my problem anymore.
the kids are surviving remarkably. they're sick of me, having only one parent sucks I think lol but they really are ok.
I'm weary already of this weeping and sadness. getting punched in the solar plexis. The worst part is that I don't think he played me. I think he just wants something different and really does care about me like he says he does. it's easier to be angry I think.
thanks again everyone. Peace
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I've been fairly obsessed with this man since he asked me out. wtf is wrong wtih me. I'm going to just keep coming back here to process if that's ok my sister said she would be out of her mind too. He loves me up, really wll, then disappears.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
I think if you give this dude a dose of indifference it will fair much better than being obsessed with him. I think if you feel good about yourself and what you bring to any relationship, you will feel a much higher sense of self worth than just being used for a booty call. It almost feels like he is in the why buy the cow when the milk is free camp. You could turn it around and say why buy the pig when all you want is some occasional sausage.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
transformyself....you are going through the necessary and expected period of grieving....Grieving is the natural occurance when the bonds of a relationship are broken...for any reason. It doesn't matter if the relationship was good or bad in your assessment...the pain feel just the same.
With some time, it will pass....
I agree with Lexie...go ahead and cry...give yourself some time to get over him....
You deserve more than some "trophy guy" and the occasional horizontal tango....
With some time, it will pass....
I agree with Lexie...go ahead and cry...give yourself some time to get over him....
You deserve more than some "trophy guy" and the occasional horizontal tango....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hey Transform, hope your second day of 2017 is perking along.
The women's forum, I mentioned, is actually Women in Recovery and is one of the forums on SR. Scroll down to the Special Interest Groups part on the list of Soberrecovery Forums and we are there.
The women's forum, I mentioned, is actually Women in Recovery and is one of the forums on SR. Scroll down to the Special Interest Groups part on the list of Soberrecovery Forums and we are there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by transformyself 
...where is the womens forum? I'd love that. ...
Women In Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by transformyself
...
is it ok that I'm not in recovery? al anon and acoa only here
is it ok that I'm not in recovery? al anon and acoa only here
Mike
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well that's no fun lol but thank you so much DE
Today is a little better. It's helping that I am walking in compassion. My default is anger - ptsd anger in fact- so I'm grateful I started appreciating as soon as I woke up this morning.
I'm also seeing my guy in a different light. Talked to a mentor this morning and she thinks I"m "caretaking" and is probably right,, although to be honest he's all alpha male in bed and I think that's where my trouble is. dont' want to give TMI you know but I think that's why I"m heartbroken. I"m a Leo, and ordinarily comfortable in charge, except in the bedroom where my guy has been doing all the work. Lovely, really.
So now if you're up to it, please remind me that sex isn't love, that i'm 52 and he's 35 and still very young and also please please remind me that I can choose my focus, can choose where I shine my powerful light of attention and if I choose to do that today in a way that highlights what's working, I'll feel better in a matter of hours, whereas I spent decades spinning in pain because I didn't have the practice of putting myself first
argh sorry that doesn't make much sense. I'm asking you guys to remind me of what I already know obviously, and what I know today is that I can take little steps in the direction of healing and before I know it I"ll be better. I know there are only two directions to take on any subject- better or worse- and today I'm going to love myself enough to start feeling better.
make sense? sorry, at work and trying to not get busted lol love you guys
Today is a little better. It's helping that I am walking in compassion. My default is anger - ptsd anger in fact- so I'm grateful I started appreciating as soon as I woke up this morning.
I'm also seeing my guy in a different light. Talked to a mentor this morning and she thinks I"m "caretaking" and is probably right,, although to be honest he's all alpha male in bed and I think that's where my trouble is. dont' want to give TMI you know but I think that's why I"m heartbroken. I"m a Leo, and ordinarily comfortable in charge, except in the bedroom where my guy has been doing all the work. Lovely, really.
So now if you're up to it, please remind me that sex isn't love, that i'm 52 and he's 35 and still very young and also please please remind me that I can choose my focus, can choose where I shine my powerful light of attention and if I choose to do that today in a way that highlights what's working, I'll feel better in a matter of hours, whereas I spent decades spinning in pain because I didn't have the practice of putting myself first
argh sorry that doesn't make much sense. I'm asking you guys to remind me of what I already know obviously, and what I know today is that I can take little steps in the direction of healing and before I know it I"ll be better. I know there are only two directions to take on any subject- better or worse- and today I'm going to love myself enough to start feeling better.
make sense? sorry, at work and trying to not get busted lol love you guys
Last edited by transformyself; 01-03-2017 at 12:00 PM. Reason: stop making sense!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hi Guys. Update
I think it took me about two days to pull myself out of this. I"m glad I could come here and process externally.
For me, once I get into a bit of a downward spiral, I have to let the momentum play out a bit. Do what I can to stay positive, go to bed, start over the next day. That's exactly what I did, and it worked like a charm.l Does every time.
I just keep reaching for a better feeling thought. Pull myself out with the power of my focus in the now. I've learned to be patient with myself, and usually feel better by the second day.
A shift in perspective is all it takes. Today I'm happy to spend time with him, happy to be by myself, and careful to guarde my thoughts and not indulge in doubt or fear. I think I've learned the fine art of self soothing. Replace ranting with soothing. It's amazing.
I think it took me about two days to pull myself out of this. I"m glad I could come here and process externally.
For me, once I get into a bit of a downward spiral, I have to let the momentum play out a bit. Do what I can to stay positive, go to bed, start over the next day. That's exactly what I did, and it worked like a charm.l Does every time.
I just keep reaching for a better feeling thought. Pull myself out with the power of my focus in the now. I've learned to be patient with myself, and usually feel better by the second day.
A shift in perspective is all it takes. Today I'm happy to spend time with him, happy to be by myself, and careful to guarde my thoughts and not indulge in doubt or fear. I think I've learned the fine art of self soothing. Replace ranting with soothing. It's amazing.
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