Gumball

To begin my AH moved out of the family home and got his own place. At first it was his idea because we weren't getting along but I eventually asked him to leave over his drinking and he agreed. That was mutual to start then it was just hard on me . It was great at the beginning I felt like I could breathe. I wasn't worrying about him and we weren't subjected to his drinking. I went out and I had a life outside of his addiction, more so. Then the sadness and loneliness set in after awhile. The other issue with that is his family, they were thrilled he moved out as they do not like me and had been wanting this for a long time. There's no real reason to this other than they want someone to blame for his addiction which they put on me and are toxic. they enable him and make it really hard for us and him. Well, he was arrested a bit ago for a dwi and lost his job, I was also blamed for this by his family despite the fact that we don't even live together anymore. I'm just having a hard time letting go of my anger and hurt. I've blown up at him over him putting his family first above ours (hes with them more now that hes been out of the home. Kids and I rarely see him) I wouldn't say all his family are awful but the relationship between AH , sibling and mother is unhealthy and enabling. The sibling also is familiar with jail/addiction while their mother is the worst at being an enabler and hence some of my frustration. Just trying to keep my emotions in check has been difficult as I had not just been fighting for my sanity but for his recovery and for our family.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, gumball (love your name!). I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but please know that everyone here totally "gets it." I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum, as I think you'll find common threads in many of the stories here. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. There is a lot of education and inspiration to be found in them.

Coming here for support for yourself is an excellent step. What else are you doing to support your OWN recovery? From what you've said, it doesn't sound as if AH has any interest in quitting drinking...

You also mention "fighting for his recovery", and I just want to make sure you know that's not a battle that is yours to fight. It's all on him. Save your strength to heal your own life and protect your children, who have no say in this matter. He is a grown man and needs to deal w/the fallout from his bad decisions.

Again, welcome, and please do take the time to read and learn. Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.

Ladybird579

Welcome to SR from me too. I found with my exah his family enabled him cos they are also alcoholics. They also blamed me for his drinking and continue to do so 3 years after we split up!! Exah sister also persuaded him to leave the family home in his will ( which I bought originally) to her daughters instead of his disabled sons. ( both will need support for life) Alcoholics will do anything to keep their supporters and enablers onside so he complied with this.

Initially I was numb to it all but now I find I am angry again. Latest anger is cos he went to a residential rehab for 3 months which cost a fortune and he seems to have learnt nothing. He is more horrible then he went in, more entitled, more selfish and still drinking and doing drugs. I resent the amount of the equity from the house sale of our marital home he's wasted on himself while I and my sons struggle. I worked out he has had over £200k free money as well as a house out of this. All because there is no legal aid in the UK to fight him, So yes I get how you feel. I find recovery for us is as hard as the alcoholics one. It has many pitfalls and set backs. Just when I think am OK with something it hits me again. I try to forget he exists, focus on myself and my sons but it is difficult at times.

Eddiebuckle

Hi Gumball, it's good that you are reaching out to others. There are many on SR who have been through what you have, who can give more specific guidance. I can say from a person in recovery's perspective that your husband's family situation is not uncommon. My mother was an alcoholic for the entire time I knew her, I ultimately followed her path but was able to get sober 7 years ago. In my experience, a family with long term addiction within it learns to function with dysfunction - it's easier to avoid the elephant in the room than to confront it, since history probably has shown them that it never goes away. Anyone or anything that brings out the obvious lie about the situation is blamed as the problem.

My only suggestion is that you consider seeking help and advice from a therapist. Getting advice and support from someone who doesn't have skin in the game is really helpful. Hang in there - you are not crazy, and you can get through this.

Good luck!

Gumball

Thank you all,
Just writing it all out helps and knowing other people have gone through the same and I am not crazy. Although, I will admit I have had my share of feeling and acting crazy over this. Which is why I reached out, I'm not the person who loses control of their emotions so easily and I don't blow up from the pain, but here lately I found myself lashing at him and his family in response to it all. I did however take the high road when mil blamed me for it and that felt great but I have more work to do on myself to let it all go and detach. I realize it's a battle that is his alone while i have my own and I'm trying to work on that. Thank you all again.

TropicalWinter

I too have issues with my STBXAH's enabling family, and it is very hard for me to let go of the anxiety, resentment, and pain sometimes. For me, it was a situation where I loved them like my own family, and when STBXAH went off the rails they at first seemed to be on board with doing what needed to be done (as in, not enabling).

But then, they started drifting back into old habits, to the point where he's now pretty much back to being fully integrated into the family despite the fact that he's still drinking - it's like the damn elephant in the room came back in, plopped down, and everyone is ignoring it again.

I'm slowly being edged out. It hurts a lot sometimes, but I keep reminding myself that if they're not going to work on their own recovery, I'm better off without them in my inner circle. Just like I'm better off without him.

I'm working on finding my own tribe.

AnvilheadII

dysfunctional family systems have rigid rules and boundaries. outsiders are sometimes allowed but are never PART of the inner circle, and they are disposable when necessary. the family systems closes ranks around their own, especially when one of them returns to the fold, sick or injured - or fired, kicked out, released from jail, etc etc.

one of the overarching rules in EVERY sick system is that we do not acknowledge what is WRONG, we never talk about it, and we never EVER admit it to outsiders. and it is never OUR fault....it's the girlfriend, or the wife, or the law, or the courts, or anything and anyone who is not US.

Carol Star

This sounds like my story.Alanon helped me a lot.
I learned about boundaries and how to take care of me.

Berrybean

How do you know what they think and say? It sounds like this could be a good time to reinforce your boundaries about how these poeple contact you, in what way, and what about. You don't need to know their opinions. The only reason any of them would really need to contact you would be in the case of emergencies. And your ex with regard to the kids. People on here will have some great advice on the practicalities of instigating this change (as it comes up quite often).

They will carry on being toxic. That's how they are. You cannot change them, or your husband. All you can do is work on your own recovery, and learn to enjoy your life regardless of him and his family.

Gumball

You are correct. I am having to learn that I can't change them but also to not care if they like me or don't or what they think, for my own sanctuary. It's not easy, at all , but having boundaries is a good Idea to make the necessary changes to maintain my peace . Peace I really really need and have been working hard to attain. Thank you

Berrybean

Learning how to not worry about others opinions and set boundaries can be tough. Many people find that AlAnon and CoDa really help with this.
I'm a little codependent myself, and can easily get fearful about what others say or think about me. There are a couple of prayers that really help me to ponder my thinking. I'll share them in case they help you as well...


Do it Anyway Prayer...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.


Humility Prayer.

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the DESIRE of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, closed though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.