Recovery is an isolating place
 

I'm writing this just to get my feelings out. I'm sure others can relate.
Trying to get better is hard. I genuinely thought after leaving my ex my life would miraculously get better. I thought for sure I'd meet a millionaire, man of my dreams to save me, make me whole. I was clueless. I have met a good guy, but his job is not to fill my voids. It's been about 20 months and recovery from my dysfunctional family, relationships, and self has been a full time job. I feel alone ALOT. Not because I am alone, but because so many people don't get it. I've had to drastically change myself. I think what has really solidified these feelings is a comment by my cousin at Christmas. She's in what I believe to be an unhealthy relationship (in fact my entire family is) but I'll leave that up to her. Anyway we were casually talking about exes. She knows I left mine for drinking. I said "it was a relationship based on addiction and I knew I had to stay away." Her response was "yeah but I thought you guys had a lot in common." I don't know why but this statement is really hurtful. It made me feel like wow...she's heard nothing I've said ever. It was so dismissive to me. Im trying so hard to move past my codependency. I get that I am sensitive, but would anyone sat that to a woman that was hit or cheated on? Well..he cheated on you...but you guys both loved art! This is not the first comment like this I've dealt with. Anyway...my point is that addiction is a lonely place for everyone. I go to meetings but having a family that just doesn't get it is hard. This experience has given me the gift of tons of empathy. I'm so thankful for this forum. I come here every day and I feel less alone. Thank you!

I hear you. There are some very hard things about recovery and moving on. Ppl that don't have to live with the insanity of addiction don't get why some of us need to get out of that cycle so badly. And you're right. Until you've been there.. done that, it's hard to make ppl "get it".

Hey, AP, welcome. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. But yes, your cousin's comment could have been more thoughtful. If, as others have already said, they haven't experienced addiction up close, they can't really understand. You can always come here. We get it.

I so get it. Almost everyone I know in person judged me for leaving my ex. "Was it really that bad?" " But he never hit you" "He never cheated on you" " he provided well" "Couldn't you just let him drink once in a while to blow off a little steam?" ( as if I got to LET him do anything... OMG ) etc... People that are living comfortably in their own chaos (of addiction or codependence ) don't get it... people who have never lived in the chaos that addiction brings into the relationship don't get it. People here at SoberRecovery DO get it. I'm glad you are here. You are definitely NOT alone.

I sure get the above. At 53, I can still feel that part of me who believes in prince charming. I don't dance to that feeling and laugh when it comes up.

Yep, unless you have lived through addiction, it is difficult to impossible to understand.

Thank you for your post. It's exactly how I feel.
Once you look at the things the way they really are, it hurts, because it seems you lived in a lie and you might loose people who used to be close.
Once I looked at my relationship with my ex for what was it, I looked at my family and it's incredibly painful. I always tried to pretend how great we are but I can't do it anymore.

Have you lost some friends or family members because of it? I don't know how to deal with some of this pain.

You did--you both put him first.

Liking the same kinds of movies, music, or sports teams does not a satisfying relationship make.

Are you going to Al-Anon? Everyone there will TOTALLY get it.

Me too, virtually everyday. I wake up in the morning and read. It helps me to deal with my sadness.

My family understands to a degree. A few at my work totally get it. They all support me. Most are just like, DUH, why WOULDN'T you want to leave. They have kind of a, 'just get over it' attitude. What most don't understand is the emotional pain and hope that I held onto for so long. And naturally, they don't get it because their idea of attachment and needs is obviously alot different than mine. Mine are out of whack because of what I accepted for so long and how beat down my self esteem became over the course of a decade.

Thank God in Heaven for SR. Without this forum, I would probably still be with him not even understanding what in the heck was going on with myself. The irony is I grew up in a household where addiction was an issue. Truly, I was seeking to 'fix' something in holding on and trying to help my xA 'see the light' for soooo, so long.

Take care. Sending you a virtual hug.

Yes I go to adult child meetings. I feel less lonely there. If not for meetings and this forum I would have never chosen change.

Never forget though, that people who are living with addiction or
are addicted will make comments like she made. It's like they are
saying it to themselves........to make themselves feel better....
She said it to herself.

And I recommend alanon also. I have been to some ACOA,
but right now, for you, alanon seems more helpful.

I appreciate this thread. I have gone NC with my alcoholic mother and my enabling father for most of this year and while a lot of people have given me "lip service" of support, it is obvious they don't get it. I also have gotten shaming comments like "you should never cut off your family." I had a friend that always seem to support me and understand, so I completely opened up to her, only to have her ask me later if I was going to include my parents in a family vacation. HUH? I left SR for a while, thinking I had everything under control, but like you said, it gets lonely. The best part of SR is being with people who completely "get it."

in many ways, it's like down-sizing or de-cluttering. getting rid of all the effluent collected over the years.

The Kon Marie method of Tidying has the premise that you sort thru everything you possess (in a specific order) and you hold each item and ask Does This Bring Me JOY?

no reason we can't apply that method to the collected people in our lives. is there any GOOD reason why i keep this person this close to me? does the relationship bring me joy?

I get it. My dad even said my exah would get worse if I wasn't with him and I should stay and be a "good example" He also cheated on me but no one in my family said anything about that. I got zero support from them. I felt they didn't want to know. I get the loneliness too. I am in a relationship now but I feel alone with my journey to recovery. Not cos my boyfriends not great but he doesn't get it. He's not an alcohol and has never had any dealings with any. Sometimes I think he'd be better off with someone else cos I know am screwed up but he loves me for all my weirdness. It's not like I thought tho. The process to healing is a hard one and am not sure how or when it will ever happen. I am more glad to be here than ever now and I joined under a different name in 2009. xx