OT Walking away

Old 12-29-2016, 08:01 PM
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OT Walking away

I'm not happy. All my venting and ranting on SR will not change that fact. I am not happy with husband for a long list of reasons. I just have not discovered the way or courage to say it's over. Do I speak? How do I phrase the words? I guess just let the lawyer state you've been served. Even that brings pains to the pit of my stomach. But maybe less then living, no existing, in this life. It's like I've been numb for the past month waiting for the holidays to be over. Guess what the holidays are over and nothing has changed.
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Old 12-29-2016, 09:27 PM
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If you ain't happy, you ain't happy and you've been abused, misused, etc and your self esteem eroded into the dirt. Time for you walk to the best of a different drum? I wish I could tell you how, hon. Just know you have my support and I dunno, maybe you just don't care anymore?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpfbcXTeo8
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Old 12-29-2016, 09:39 PM
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Take a break- eat some chocolate. Addiction sucks. Prayers, PJ.
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Old 12-30-2016, 02:31 AM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Hello hearthealth,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this spot. It's true, sometimes we wish and hope for things to change for so long...then we finally realize that the only person who can change is us.

Please have a read through the link above when you have some time. It provides a variety of resources, but one that is particularly valuable is the safety plan. Leaving an abuser is frequently the most dangerous time, and this information will help you prepare for the safety and you and your children.

Sending many prayers and hugs for strength, clarity, and peace!
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Old 12-30-2016, 04:33 AM
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I agree with teatreeoil...that "your self esteem has been eroded into the dirt"......

Let me ask===is not knowing exactly how to "say" it, the biggest obstacle?
If that is truly it...say so...because we can certainly help you with that!!!
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Old 12-30-2016, 04:39 AM
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Hey, hearthealth. I agree with Seren and dandylion. We are here when you need us. Stay safe. Listen to your attorney.
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Old 12-30-2016, 05:05 AM
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When you have spent years and years tiptoeing around someone else's moods and temper, it can feel utterly impossible to take any risk of annoying them, let alone angering them. Too frightening, even if he isn't violent. You've been trained well. I know how that feels.

It's a really good idea to talk to a DV counselor about your situation so that you have some in-person support. Maybe just leaving a note is the best way, but they can help you decide that.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 12-30-2016, 09:40 AM
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It feels very, very difficult to walk away. Once I got to the other side, I can look back and see that the obstacles I saw were mostly my own making. It didn't have to take so long, or be so hard....we are our own worst enemy there.

You don't have to say a word. You just up and go.

If you are anything like me, he's heard a hundred versions of

"I can't live with your drinking. You are mean when you drink. Your drinking will be the end of us. I don't like spending time with you when you drink. Please stay away when you drink. I don't want to be with someone who wants to be drunk all the time." Then those shifted me me just hiding away, sucking into tv, my book, my phone, or leaving the house. I promise you, he has had notice that you don't want to be with someone that drinks like he does.

That doesn't matter to them though - they WANT to drink, and that's what they do. What do YOU want your life to look like without factoring him into making it good for you?

I always thought - "hes perfect if it weren't for his drinking. That's the only problem and if he fixed that, we'd be the best couple ever."

1 year out from leaving, I can tell you that my biggest misdeed in the partnership was lying to myself about that. Write a list of your ideal partner - the core values you want, and have. See if he matches up - drinking aside.

I wake up happy, grateful and looking forward to my future every day now.....rather than groggy from not getting enough sleep because of a flailing smelly drunk person next to me. There's a spring in my step in the morning rather than walking on eggshells to avoid a hung over rage. My future has unlimited possibilities rather than banking everything I have on someone elses ability to get healthy. <3 Best to you -
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Old 12-30-2016, 09:51 AM
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hh, your husband is an abusive man--never forget that. I wouldn't give him a speech at all--at least not until you are safely gone.

I know I sound like a broken record, but please consult with a DV advocate about how to do this safely. Abusers do NOT take kindly to being "left." THEY want to call the shots, and your leaving is a direct challenge to his authority, from his perspective. It can be VERY dangerous, even if there hasn't been serious violence in the past.

Please call. It doesn't cost anything, and you don't have to take any suggestions you don't want to. The ball is in your court, but it only makes sense to consider all the angles.
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Old 12-30-2016, 11:27 AM
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Thank you everyone. I had a 'good' talk with husband. In so much as he mocked and made fun of my needs and then asked that I massage his feet. The massage did not happen. I think he thought he was cute. I have been asking more from him and he has been giving me more in an immature mocking kind of way. It doesn't feel good. He hasn't been violent to me or the children in a while now. Though at times his verbal abuse gets harsh. He still has that emotional abuse side. DS thinks adults can throw things.
Then I read an article by Melody Beattie today that said I shouldn't take control I should just enjoy what I have. I do have a lot of blessings just not with this man, um boy. I don't know if it's me not enjoying the ride and saying whatever (which means I ignore, detach and minimize) or me being more in control and saying not good enough. But I trust Lexie saying I'm leaving will do no good until I'm out the door. But once I'm out the door what do I say? It's that conversation that is bound to take place. Just mind spinning I guess.
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Old 12-30-2016, 11:41 AM
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He is who he is.

You are not happy spending your life with him.

Only you can decide if the perks and not rocking the boat are worth staying for.

If you decide they're not, there is no point in debating the situation with him. He will never see things your way. If it's over, it's over and all the conversation needs to be at that point is logistics and that be handled through an attorney.
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Old 12-30-2016, 11:52 AM
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I feel quite sure that Melody Beattie did not mean to be satisfied in an abusive relationship.
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Old 12-30-2016, 12:29 PM
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Hearthealth, Ariesagain is right....he will never see things your way....never....
Not if you stay for the next ten or twenty years...or, if you leave now....the end result will be the same....
Except, if you leave now...you will be free for you and your children to l ive a better life.....
It would be the best gift that you could provide for yourself and the children.....

There are lots of people who care about your welfare and will help you....
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Old 12-30-2016, 02:20 PM
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Once you are OUT the door, all you have to say is that you're unhappy in the marriage and, therefore, are moving on. If he tries to cajole or persuade you to come back, that this time he's really going to change, if he tries to guilt-trip you or tear you down, pay no attention. It's a ploy, whatever he says. There is nothing to "discuss"--you've HAD the discussions, remember?

"I'm done." That's really all there is to say. All it takes is for you to DROP the rope.
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Old 12-30-2016, 02:50 PM
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Be Safe

It's important that you be safe/smart about how you leave...nothing has to be done right away. Plan. In the meantime, you need empowerment and positive thinking that you can do it....and, you CAN!!

Shaking The Tree-Peter Gabriel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Q79lls1f0#t=15.641712
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Old 12-30-2016, 03:49 PM
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I second what folks are saying here.

Even if you aren't ready yet to leave, could you start working on a plan? Something along the lines of a "To Do List" of teeny tiny steps: find the number of DV, call DV, etc, etc.

Where every you are in your journey HH, please let us know how you are doing.

Big hug.
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Old 12-31-2016, 05:09 AM
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He hasn't been violent to me or the children in a while now.

that's not exactly a selling point.
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Old 12-31-2016, 05:16 AM
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Good to have a plan.
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Old 12-31-2016, 05:34 AM
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Spending your time wracking your brain about what to say to an
abusive alcoholic before or after you leave. Why?

Please listen to the advice given by others, make a plan, talk
with DV folks for support, an attorney, etc

The words will come when you need them, trust in that. You
need not say more than "You know exactly why this is happening"
to him, and get on with a life that makes you contented and
proud. Do not JADE with him again

http://outofthefog.website/what-not-...defend-explain
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Old 12-31-2016, 05:48 AM
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hearthealth- your most recent post on this thread brought back memories- I kept thinking just be grateful for what I have. I had an abusive man who wasn't abusive 7 days a week and an addict who was good at hiding it. I also avoided his company as much as possible.

This is how I left. I got a counselor who encouraged me and helped me with my feelings. I felt enormous guilt as I planned- like I was an ungrateful , self-centered person for wanting more from marriage. I secretly planned because I knew if I told him- I am leaving tomorrow- there wouldn't be a penny left in any of our accounts as I slammed the door.

I consulted an attorney and filed for divorce before I left. I scheduled a moving company and had friends help me while he was at work. Moved what I needed out in about four hours total. And I left a note. He found out when he got home from work.

I felt terrible about it at the time. Like I was a backstabbing sneak and coward who didn't have the courage to face him. I kept it secret to preserve our financial capital so someday I can retire. Turns out my instincts were right- First thing he did was try to clean out the accounts- but his lawyer told him if he didn't put it back, I could get everything.

You have an advantage. You know your AH and what he is capable of. I certainly knew mine. See a good attorney and don't feel bad if you leave without notice. That's actually the same thing as telling him. You are just not using words and you are not leaving the matter open for him to manipulate you. It is YOUR life after all- you do not "belong" to him.

Please let us know what happens!!
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