hi
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 18
hi
Hi,
Im new here but ive been reading the posts for a while, which have helped me.
i have an AW who is in recovery and 3 small children so life is full and stressed, wife has been alcoholic most of adult life but things have gotten worse in the past 6-7 years will be nice to get help and advice from some others in the same situations.
Thanks for reading.
Im new here but ive been reading the posts for a while, which have helped me.
i have an AW who is in recovery and 3 small children so life is full and stressed, wife has been alcoholic most of adult life but things have gotten worse in the past 6-7 years will be nice to get help and advice from some others in the same situations.
Thanks for reading.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 18
Hi tea,
Thank you for your reply.
Wife has been in recovery only a month, relationship is very so so and lots of emotions at the moment.
Not had any face to face support as yet but think i will need to soon.
i have sent you a PM, i hope it makes "sense" when you read it.
Thank you for your reply.
Wife has been in recovery only a month, relationship is very so so and lots of emotions at the moment.
Not had any face to face support as yet but think i will need to soon.
i have sent you a PM, i hope it makes "sense" when you read it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Sandman, and Welcome!
Your username caught my eye when you registered
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us. SR is a great place for support, and we are here round-the-clock.
It's great news that your wife is in recovery, but we get that it doesn't mean that everything is now fabulous!! There has been a lot that has gone on before to get you to this point, and you have every right to be angry, cautious, skeptic about all of it right now. I'm sure you probably have a lot to say and 'get out' right now--that's why SR is so great! Whether the addicts/alcoholics in our lives are in recovery or not, we can learn to be happy in our own lives.
Your wife is probably one giant, raw nerve right now, too. She is going to have to learn to deal with life on life's terms without her numbing, comforting blanket of alcohol--and at the moment, that probably seems like the most daunting chasm to cross.
Wishing you strength in the days, weeks, and months to come! Welcome again!!
Your username caught my eye when you registered
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us. SR is a great place for support, and we are here round-the-clock.
It's great news that your wife is in recovery, but we get that it doesn't mean that everything is now fabulous!! There has been a lot that has gone on before to get you to this point, and you have every right to be angry, cautious, skeptic about all of it right now. I'm sure you probably have a lot to say and 'get out' right now--that's why SR is so great! Whether the addicts/alcoholics in our lives are in recovery or not, we can learn to be happy in our own lives.
Your wife is probably one giant, raw nerve right now, too. She is going to have to learn to deal with life on life's terms without her numbing, comforting blanket of alcohol--and at the moment, that probably seems like the most daunting chasm to cross.
Wishing you strength in the days, weeks, and months to come! Welcome again!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi Sandman! Your wife is in very early recovery and there is so much to learn (both of you). You've come to the right place! You will hear lots about Al-Anon... which is support for YOU and is a game changer for many. Keep reading and keep sharing. You've found a great group of people here that are in or have been in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi Sandman!
I have been married to my AH for 18 years, we have two beautiful girls.
Like your AW, my AH is only a month into his recovery as well. He has been sober before but never embraced recovery and he too has many emotions starting to show. One of his AA buddies told me a good thing and a bad thing happens when the Alcoholic stops drinking - the bad thing is they get their motions back, the good thing is they get their emotions back. My AH is a squishy hot mess of emotions at the moment but with the help of my Alanon and SR groups I can sit back and let him express himself freely.
I might also suggest the books The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and Codependent No More
YOUR recovery begins with YOU!
Peace to you and your family
KTT
I have been married to my AH for 18 years, we have two beautiful girls.
Like your AW, my AH is only a month into his recovery as well. He has been sober before but never embraced recovery and he too has many emotions starting to show. One of his AA buddies told me a good thing and a bad thing happens when the Alcoholic stops drinking - the bad thing is they get their motions back, the good thing is they get their emotions back. My AH is a squishy hot mess of emotions at the moment but with the help of my Alanon and SR groups I can sit back and let him express himself freely.
I might also suggest the books The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and Codependent No More
YOUR recovery begins with YOU!
Peace to you and your family
KTT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: uk
Posts: 18
thanks all.
Her recovery has started and i am pleased that she is getting well and healthy again, but since she has been in recovery i feel more resentment about the time when she was drinking and the selfish ways she acted. Is this normal? i should be so happy but i am struggling to be so and i don't know why. i feel my emotions are all over the place.
Her recovery has started and i am pleased that she is getting well and healthy again, but since she has been in recovery i feel more resentment about the time when she was drinking and the selfish ways she acted. Is this normal? i should be so happy but i am struggling to be so and i don't know why. i feel my emotions are all over the place.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think it is totally expected to feel resentment. Very common too. Chances are her addiction was a ruling factor in your lives and in some ways took first place; it came first. When your significant other puts their addiction before you that is like being cheated on. You get cheated out of quality time and attention from them. In a sense, they are married to their addiction. One month sober is still very early and her brain is still a bit scrambled. It'll take a while for things to level out. So, it's real important that you take good care of yourself and don't feel guilty for doing so.
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she was never what you would say a "full alcoholic", she didnt drink all day every day just in evenings. i have been used to being in an alert state when she was drinking and i am having a hard time i guess because that has suddenly stopped. she thinks i m going to leave her as i am being a bit quiet/ moody, but my head just feels fried thinking about everything that is going on and our future.
I never really assessed things this much until she stopped drinking and now i cant stop thinking all the time. Evenings she fell asleep after drinking or us arguing/ bickering, her driving my son to school hungover (dont think i have ever done this) and times when we have been out and had a great time to have it ruined with a full blown argument (usually i had been drinking also so i have to take some blame for those).
She keeps asking me what i want and how do i feel but i just dont know how i feel at the minute and i feel bad that that is causing a lot of tension between us.
I never really assessed things this much until she stopped drinking and now i cant stop thinking all the time. Evenings she fell asleep after drinking or us arguing/ bickering, her driving my son to school hungover (dont think i have ever done this) and times when we have been out and had a great time to have it ruined with a full blown argument (usually i had been drinking also so i have to take some blame for those).
She keeps asking me what i want and how do i feel but i just dont know how i feel at the minute and i feel bad that that is causing a lot of tension between us.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, Sandman, this all sounds very typical......
Good that you are willing to read and learn....Knowledge is power.
I agree with you that you need some face to face support, also...I think it will h elp you a lot.....Maybe, give alanon a try.....
Hang around,,,and, keep posting.......
Good that you are willing to read and learn....Knowledge is power.
I agree with you that you need some face to face support, also...I think it will h elp you a lot.....Maybe, give alanon a try.....
Hang around,,,and, keep posting.......
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome! Just so you know, the fact that she drank only in the evenings doesn't mean she isn't a "full alcoholic"--the drinking patterns, quantity, amount, type of alcohol aren't what makes someone an "alcoholic"--it's how they FEEL about drinking. If it's necessary for them to cope with life, if they only feel "normal" when drinking, if they continue to drink when there are negative consequences to their lives, that's a far more accurate indicator.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, one important thing to realize about alcoholism is that it is, inevitably, progressive. The only solution is to stop ENTIRELY, and learn to live sober, happily. The first part isn't as difficult for most people as the second. Someone further advanced in the disease will have a harder time with the initial stopping (e.g., your wife may not experience physical withdrawal), but it's the STAYING stopped that's the hard part. What often happens is that even if it isn't so hard quitting drinking, the alcoholic reasons, "Well, that wasn't so terrible, I can stop anytime I want to, just this once won't hurt." But every drink is feeding the addiction, and soon it becomes increasingly difficult to NOT drink--even for periods of time.
I'd suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism. And Al-Anon is a great resource for you. Is your wife in AA or in another program? Or is this something she's trying to manage on her own? Just to be clear, some people do successfully get sober without AA, but they generally have to internally do some of the similar work on themselves to stay sober, happily, over the long term. That's not your job to point out, though. Hopefully she's on the right track.
I'd suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism. And Al-Anon is a great resource for you. Is your wife in AA or in another program? Or is this something she's trying to manage on her own? Just to be clear, some people do successfully get sober without AA, but they generally have to internally do some of the similar work on themselves to stay sober, happily, over the long term. That's not your job to point out, though. Hopefully she's on the right track.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Well, one important thing to realize about alcoholism is that it is, inevitably, progressive. The only solution is to stop ENTIRELY, and learn to live sober, happily. The first part isn't as difficult for most people as the second.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Is your wife in AA or in another program? Or is this something she's trying to manage on her own?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Has tried AA before but didn't commit fully to it and has tried on her own in the past without success.
https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page
Maybe some of the "double winners" here would care to comment.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
life is so boring now and if this is what its like without drinking "whats the point because its boring"
sounds just like a teenager, doesn't she? it's soooooooooo booooooring. how anyone with three small children could call life boring is pretty amazing. they say that people stop maturing when they start drinking......and alcohol becomes the answer to everything. once that is taken away the body and the mind suffer withdrawals - the chemical balance in the brain is all messed up - depression sets in along with an overall anhedonia.
IF she stays the course, and IF she throws herself into a program of recovery, and IF she's all the blessings she HAS in her life, she stands a good shot at staying sober. but it's for life.....she will NEVER be a normal drinker again, she will never be able to just have a glass of wine now and then.
sounds just like a teenager, doesn't she? it's soooooooooo booooooring. how anyone with three small children could call life boring is pretty amazing. they say that people stop maturing when they start drinking......and alcohol becomes the answer to everything. once that is taken away the body and the mind suffer withdrawals - the chemical balance in the brain is all messed up - depression sets in along with an overall anhedonia.
IF she stays the course, and IF she throws herself into a program of recovery, and IF she's all the blessings she HAS in her life, she stands a good shot at staying sober. but it's for life.....she will NEVER be a normal drinker again, she will never be able to just have a glass of wine now and then.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Stumbled across this when looking for a quote and thought it might help show what it takes for actual recovery.
Maybe some of the "double winners" here would care to comment.
Maybe some of the "double winners" here would care to comment.
PS big "The Who" fan, quadrophenia one of my fav films when i used to have an old Vespa GS150 Messerschmitt
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