When does the heartache stop?
 

I'm not new here. Not new to codependency, alcoholism or marrying the wrong partner.

Long story short, I've been struggling thru hell for a year with my husband of three years, partner of 7 years. We own a business together, which I run Day to day. He has worked for the same company for the last 17 years.

He has always been a drinker, going on the occasional 3 day binge. This last year, he has lengthened those binges to 5 days too many times. The last 5 day binge was abt two weeks ago...until now. There was a binge in October, and November as well. There have been so many others this year, I'd guess monthly.

In the October binge, he told me to leave. I honestly had no place to go, so I didn't. He told me to go live at the homeless shelter, he owns the house, it's not mine...you get the drift.

We are currently sitting on Day 4 of this binge, with no hope in site of being sober soon. I spent the Christmas holidays alone, or with him being drunk. He got very drunk Saturday, and still has not sobered up.

He told me on Christmas night (Sunday) that my leaving would be the best thing to ever happen to him. I slapped him, and a very scary physical altercation ensued. I apologized that night, and again Monday morning for slapping him. He told me again to leave, so I did.

He has not contacted me since. He blames me for everything that happened Sunday, because I slapped him. His friend (you know, the one who checks on him everyday and takes him beer) told me today that I had no right to slap him, that it's not ok. Yes, I realize this and am beside myself over my actions. But the part I do not understand is that I caused this? The physical altercation that ensued what justified because I slapped him? He can say whatever he wants, do whatever he wants, and I just need to sit here and politely take it? He took part in the physical altercation as well.

He told his friend that I need to apologize, which I did. Twice. I told his friend I'm not discussing anything else with either of them until he is sober.

I'm a mess. I'm living in a cheap weekly hotel and have no idea what to do. I can't eat, I'm not sleeping.

Please tell me what to do.

I'm on the other side of the forum here ITK but sorry you are going through this. Someone will be a long here to offer advice & support soon. Love & strength to you

Slapping him was not OK, but if he responded with serious violence, that's even more not-OK. He's legally allowed to defend himself, but not beat you in response to a slap.

I'd suggest contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline or your local women's shelter and speaking with an advocate. I'd also suggest getting some legal advice. If you can obtain a protective order, it's possible you would be able to remain in the house temporarily, at least, while he would have to leave. What happens with the house and with other property would depend on the divorce laws in your state, but without legal advice you won't know what your rights might be.

It doesn't seem fair that he would throw you out of your home so that you are the homeless one all because of his drinking. Obviously this is a bad situation and you are in one heck of a predicament. Unfortunately, there is a trend in which violence can get worse instead of easing off. I worry for your safety. It's hard enough living with someone who drinks for days on end, but if your physical safety is in question, you shouldn't be around each other. I'm sending you some strength and a hug. Is there anyone you can stay with? Yes, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. Your physical safety comes first.

He just keeps saying if I am so unhappy with this situation, I need to leave. Then he gets drunk and that phrase gets stuck on repeat. I have a house in town, but I have renters in a lease until the end of February. All of my assets are tied up in the business. He reminds me quite frequently that we live in his house, not mine.

We have an apartment in our shop (not our business, this shop is part of his property at home). I asked if he could live in the shop and I'd stay in the house until we got something worked out. He told me he's not going anywhere, and I need to go.

I'm just in such a bind. I have such deep hurt and regret for slapping him. Knee jerk reaction I suppose for saying that to me.

He seems to be saying the slap came before the comment, it did not. I guess it's just another way of blaming me. I feel so guilty for all of this.

intheknow, the slap is NOT the issue here. Yes, it's unacceptable, but it is only the tip of the iceberg, and a distraction from the real concerns. A's do this--they shift the focus off of themselves and onto anyone, everyone, else. You didn't cause the situation.

I see you joined here in 2009. You say he's your partner of 7 years and husband of 3--it looks like there have been problems from the start, long before this latest incident.

Please do get some legal advice. Please do stay away from him. Get to Alanon if you possibly can.

And please STOP thinking this is your fault. Although it doesn't feel like it, this could be the door opening for you to start a new and better life.

Well, you seem like the type of person that would just go around slapping someone out of the blue...

Why don't you stay in the apt. until you can get something else sorted out? I'm so sorry you are going though this. Of course he's going to blame you for his behavior...I do know what it's like to have arguments that can escalate. Try not to engage. My husband doesn't drink, but he does not argue fairly. I don't like it when he tries to engage me in an argument. It sucks. I try not to engage, then he accuses me of being passive-aggressive and that's not it at all. I just don't want to argue and fight. Most of the stuff he argues about is just not worth arguing about...Sometimes I wish I could shoot him with tranquilzer dart...:dee A little IV Valium might be a nice antecdote!! Just kidding.....I couldn't do that, but oh it might be nice to see how he would respond to a shot of Valium. ..

intheknow.......from what you have shared, this is how it looks, to me----you are taking your advice and "instructions" and judgements from the wrong people--Him and his friend. These are the wrong people to be listening to---because your welfare doesn't mean anything to them!!
From this moment on---PLEASE try not to JADE to them....Justify...Argue...Defend....Explain......( not even in your own mind)......

You know your own truth...you know what really happened and how it came about...
You should be making your own judgements about your experiences and about what is in your own best interest.....
The reality is that you and he will never...never...be on the same page about this. He will always make you the "bad" guy. He is controlled by his alcoholism....You will never "win" in this battle....

For your own self esteem...you first thoughts should be what you think about him---not, what he thinks about you.....

The people that you should be listening to are those who know what they are talking about...and those who have your welfare at heart.....
Listen to lexiecat (she has worked in domestic violence and law for years)....listen to your own lawyer.....start going to alanon immediately---because you need the emotional support that they will give you......consider the experience and encouragement of the members on this forum who have walked in your same shoes.....
Do call the domestic hotline and get set up with a counselor, asap.

Take a deep breath and resist beating yourself up...resist feeling guilty....
You can't afford the wasted time and energy of beating yourself up....
I know that you feel overwhelmed, right now....But, you will get through all of this ...if you accept the help of those who care about you...those who are on your side....
You are not alone...you do have options (even if you can't see them, right now)...
You will get through this...and, you will be o.k.....

Keep posting, my dear...you have come to the right place....
Try to get some sleep...and get some nourishment....First things, first......

this!

I meant to say you DON'T seem like the kind of person to just slap someone out of the blue.....

^^^^^I could tell what you meant...lol...^^^^^^

I can't move into the apt in the shop because that is where all of the drinking happens. He is a old farm boy, who gets off work at 8am every morning (midnight shift) and goes to the shop to get his first beer. He and his friend have set up a bar in the shop, and if the big garage door is open it's a sign for anyone who wants to stop by and have a beer or twenty.

He spends his days doing chores in the shop, and around the property and then goes to bed around 5pm. He gets up at 11pm, leaves for work at 11:30pm, and Groundhog Day starts over.

I used to sit in the shop with him, sometimes drink with him, and partake in this cycle. Over the last year, I have stopped. When this madness escalated Sunday morning of this week, I was in the house getting ready to go to Christmas #4 at my daughters while he was in the shop slamming beer hot and heavy because he knew that he would have a few hours in a situation that he couldn't drink so much without someone noticing.

Christmas #1 and 2 I went to alone because he was sleeping for work (#1) then worked overtime (#2). #1 and 2 were Both my family celebrations. I asked Saturday afternoon to specifically spend time with him Sunday, since he missed these two. We went together together to his family (#3) Saturday night. He was drunk by the time we got there, and it just keep going. He was argumentative with other family, stumbled all over the place, kept bullying family members abt past situations (he tries to be funny), became belligerent abt leaving to come home. I drove the hour home, while he had the same conversation the entire way...Groundhog Day again. He kept trying to hold my hand, touch me, etc.

Saturday night he passed out on the couch, and as usual came to bed early Sunday morning. I asked again Sunday morning for him to spend time with me that night...like a date. We talked abt dinner, a possible movie, etc. then he got up to do chores and head out to the shop.

At noon I asked him to come inside and help me get ready for the final Christmas. He did not come in, so I was pretty annoyed and let him know on the way to my daughters that I felt like we were headed to a bad place. I reminded him of the date that night, asked him to be responsible abt the drinking that day, and left it there.

He left my daughters before I did, because he was ready to go. Another family member gave him a ride back to the house. He started inviting people out to the shop, and then texting me wanting to know where I was. An hour later I come home to find he and his friend in the shop, drinking. A couple hours after this, he come inside and I ask abt the date that I know isn't happening. He starts to argue, tell me I always ask to spend time with him on bad days, how he hates Christmas, how if he's just in the shop drinking it's no big deal...because he's not at the bar and I know where he is. He passes out on the couch. Upon waking he wants another beer, and I tell him he should just go to bed. The comment, the slap and the fight ensues. I'm pretty skilled at this rotten scene, and know if I can just get him near the bedroom he will just lay down and pass out in the bed. It usually means that he will at least stop drinking for the night.

The skills are just getting him to the bed, not the fight. This is only the second physical fight we have ever had. The first was a couple weeks ago when "forced" him to leave the shop and go to the house to go to bed. It wasnt even a fight, but he's a hell of a lot bigger than I am and it involved some force on my part to keep him headed to the house. This time he was already in the house, so I'm thinking it won't be that hard to get him across the living room to the bedroom, and then shut the door. Not so much. This is where the full on fight ensues, after the slap. He is very angry, and screams obscenities all the way back out to the shop.

I gave it a bit, went out and apologized. Another fight ensues. He tells me to leave, again. I go inside thinking I can try to wait it out until morning.

In the morning, he's still sitting on the barstool in the shop. I apologize again, and ask him to just come in the house and go to bed. He tells me to leave, again. I ask for an hour to get as much of my stuff as I can from the house, and then I'll be gone.

I packed clothes and left. He did not try to contact me anymore, has not asked abt where I am, or tried to seek me out.

Tuesday morning I stopped at the house to get a few items I absolutely need. I'm looking for my glasses, I need a pillow and towels, and my winter coat. I dropped off his checkbook. I ask to talk. He tells me he has no desire to talk, and I need to leave. He then tells me the animals need fed and he has chores to do and leaves the house for the shop.

I'm so hurt. I'm so confused. If I'm home, he is in the shop drinking. When I leave, he goes in the house to drink. He has not once asked where I am this week.

I spend most of my week alone due to our schedules. I wake up alone, get ready for work, and may see him for a few minutes in passing before heading in to town. I work til 6 or 7, depending on customers at the store. He is usually in bed by 5, or 6 at the latest. I come home to spend the night by myself. I try to go to bed abt 1030, because he gets up at 11. It gives us a few minutes sometimes to talk abt the day, the store or whatever. He is up and getting ready at 11, leaves for work at 1130. We literally have two days a week that we see each other, and he religiously spends those days in the shop with his friend getting *********.

I tried to explain that I just want to see him. I just want to spend time with him. That when I'm home and he's home we should do something together, not sit in the shop and drink. He says my expectations are too high, I want things to be perfect, and this is just the way he is. It's the way his dad was he says. There's nothing wrong with it.

Sorry abt the novel. Just trying to give more detail. Or maybe just trying to justify that I'm not crazy.

Ummm, yeah. I found this wonderful place at the tail end of my first marriage to an alcoholic. He was antisocial and abusive.

I met this Prince Charming at the tail end of that relationship as well. He was different than the first, you see, because he wasn't antisocial or abusive. Plus he was sooo good looking and fun.

Man. I am a slow learner. 27 years of my life spent with alcoholic men who at the end of the day look the same.

Pack up and leave, stop making excuses.

You're wearing yourself out trying to manage his drinking and his drinking behavior. The time comes when one must cut one's losses. This situation is not going to improve, no matter what you do.

Believe it or not, making a decision to STOP sacrificing your life and allowing the alcoholic to do what he will can bring a great sense of freedom. You can stop figuratively throwing good money after bad, put together a plan to set yourself free. The obstacles to that are mostly in your own mind. Yes, there can be a period of uncertainty and financial hardship, but those are temporary. The longer you wait, the more demoralized you will become.

I slapped him, and a very scary physical altercation ensued. I apologized that night, and again Monday morning for slapping him.

fwiw I did the same to my exah. I a m not a violent person. I never raised a single hand to any of my children growing up and I've never been involved in any sort of physical violence before but I snapped and I hit him.

It did not come from nowhere tho. It came from my total despair and frustration of 18 years of him being drunk and all that entailed and my loss of hope and everything I had worked for going down the drain. Also the fact he'd peed our new sofa for the 7th night on the trot damaging the flooring under it and my autistic son had sat on it soaking his clothes. He stood there acting all smug and justifying it and something inside me broke. I just went for him. A policeman friend came round and made him leave the house but I knew then I was done. Finished. I never lived in the same house as him again and my rage had been building for years and at that time I hated him. I have no feelings either way now. It won't get any better. You already know this. I got out. I never looked back

I lived with a selfish alcoholic. Your AH sounds just as selfish as the rest. Nobody here will judge you for feeling out of control in a single moment where you lost it. I have lost it, not necessarily with violence, in many instances with my xa. One time I accidentally hit him in the nose while we were driving. From the outside, your life with him sounds miserable. Where is there any communication and intimacy? Where is there a man who actually cares to spend time with you instead of drinking? How happy are you? Content? Safe?
My xA did the equivalent of drinking in the barn except we didn't have that much property. Instead he sat in a chair by the t.v. and cracked beer after beer after beer while shouting out ppl thru headphones playing video games. He worked about 2 yrs out of the 10 we were together. Even when he had $, he certainly didn't want to give me any. He DID need a beer/hard alcohol fund, ya know. Shoes for his kid, ppffft?? He knew I would take care of that. I finally got tired of being used. I got tired of paying all the bills and doing all the housework while a grown man sat in that freakin chair shouting at a t.v., drank beer and essentially ignored the realities and responsibilities of life.
You have to think about how you want to spend your days. Is what you explained about, Groundhogs Day, how you want to spend your
life?

intheknow....I just went back and scanned through your other threads.....

This is what occurred to me....it looks to me like he KNOWS that he has all the power....because he know that you won't leave. This gives him the "confidence" to stand his ground....and, he knows he doesn't have to change. He knows you will be back...he doesn't even have to ask where you are, etc., because he already knows what will happen....He told you to leave before, and you didn't.....
He knows all of your "buttons". He knows what you are afraid of....he knows what your fears are.....He k nows that your fear keeps you by his side.....He knows that you will tolerate anything to stay together.....
Added to that--the stubbornness of a "farm boy"......(I know that type, very well...as I grew up around that kind of stubbornness).....
Hon, that kind doesn't change....Stubborness is their pr imary tool of coping...because, culturally, that is what they learned and it is in their bones....
Personally, I wouldn't look for him to change....even if his drinking, etc., destroys him....I wouldn't look for any change.....

Now, I know that I don't know either one of you...so, I might sound very presumptive, in what I am saying....I am just going from what you have shared with us.....and this is just my impression....
I get that you are very hurt, to the core...because I am quite sure of this---that you felt that he really loved you...and that means everything....to tell you to "leave" is probably the most hurtful thing he could ever say...I think that is why you slapped him......
Don't forget this---He is controlled by his disease of alcoholism, right now. Over time, the alcohol changes the brain...the person....
You are not dealing with a normal person with a sober brain....He is not who he used to be....He is not functioning on the same plane as you...he is not in the same world as you...He is living in the alcoholism bubble....don't expect him to care about your welfare...because he can't....
When it comes to a choice of you or his alcohol...I believe that he will choose the alcohol.....(he has told you as much).....

I hear your considerable pain, loud and clear....I am so sorry for your pain.....
It looks to me that tings have finally come to the point that you either need to get out or be dragged......

Again, this is what it looks like, to me.....
When you are in the middle of the hell...it is so hard to see things clearly.......

Love isn't enough to make any alcoholic stop drinking. It just isn't. IMO, the only thing that will more than likely make him stop are some very serious consequences. Pain is often times the only motivator to make an alcoholic stop and reevaluate their life. That being said, there's no reason for you to suffer because of his illness. Yes, it will hurt to leave him behind. But you're already hurting, right?

ok inhale... I have been there...
1. you both own the business... do you have a credit card for the business..
2. you have the right to money from the business to allow you to live
3. get a lawyer... time to set up a toe line and hold tight..
4. if you are married and own the business together. even the house is property of the union...
5. get lawyer and get your life... yep... take it from another that had to do this too..