When does the heartache stop?

Old 12-29-2016, 10:04 AM
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This all sounds so painful.

I just want you to know, that you have WAY more power than you think you have here. You put a lot of expectation on him to make you happy, when he is the source of your misery. You want him to hang out with you, but he won't. You already ARE alone with him.

You have very reasonable expectations of a partner...he is just completely incapable of living up to them...and for that, you deserve far far better.

You can talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are - you (and your lovely husband) might be surprised to find out that you own more of "his" house than you both think. And even if you don't, I could guess that he may just have to make sure you are provided with a place to live.

Hang in there - this situation does not sound like it was meant for YOUR precious life!
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Old 12-29-2016, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by NewRomanMan View Post
Love isn't enough to make any alcoholic stop drinking. It just isn't. IMO, the only thing that will more than likely make him stop are some very serious consequences. Pain is often times the only motivator to make an alcoholic stop and reevaluate their life. That being said, there's no reason for you to suffer because of his illness. Yes, it will hurt to leave him behind. But you're already hurting, right?
Oh, the years I spent thinking if he only loved me enough...he would see, he would stop. If only he went to rehab, he would stop. I'll make him go to church with his family, then he will stop. I'll take pictures of the drunken aftermath, then he will stop.

I'd like to think I wasn't THAT naive this time.

But here I am again...walks like a duck, talks like a duck, but can't be a duck! Just can't.

Long story short, I have been gone since Monday. He wanted to talk today because he's sober. He had no idea I wasn't at the house. He thought I was downstairs just like every other time this happens and I go camp out downstairs for a week.

That certainly didn't help at all. I fully understand where I'm at on the importance scale.

Oh, and he thinks he has the flu today. You know the one that's going around? The flu spelled WITHDRAWAL?
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Old 12-29-2016, 05:44 PM
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Sweetie:

You've been displaced from YOUR home! That is huge injustice, in my book. Can he literally kick you out? I would think he has no right to do so. Is the house in both your names?
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Old 12-29-2016, 06:14 PM
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His house, where we live, is in his name only.

My house, in town with renters until the end of February, is in my name only.

This swanky $225 a week hotel room #6 in which I'm currently living is paid for thru Monday in My name only. Ha.

No clue what Tuesday will bring. I'm sure I can stay here for a while.

I'm thinking I may try to find a small apartment, and keep the renters in my house because it would be far less expensive to just stay in a smaller place. I'd need an extra $1000 a month to move back in to my house...so I think the renters can stay.
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Old 12-29-2016, 06:22 PM
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Hi Intheknow,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Getting your own place definitely sounds like a good idea, and so does talking to a lawyer. You mentioned a daughter, is she an adult daughter? Would it be possible to stay with her or another family member or friend for a bit while you get things sorted out?
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Old 12-29-2016, 06:29 PM
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I have three adult daughters, but only one lives in town. She has three babies. I'm not sure there is room but I know I could stay if needed.

Since we own a business, I know many other business and property owners. I'm hoping I can find a rental thru one of them that won't make me verify income, etc. I also know, hands down, my dad (and mom) will be here in second to help me.

I just have to screw up the courage from somewhere deep inside to start making those calls. You know, the "Hi, Dad. This is your adult daughter again calling you to help her pick up her life and move on..." kind of call.

Side note, I sent him pictures of all of the bruising today. Told him I was not being nasty, or starting a fight, but wanted him to see what transpired on my end of things.

Then asked what we would tell our daughters, if it were them. I have three daughters, he has two. He's pretty remorseful and scared today. Yet again, Groundhog Day.
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Old 12-29-2016, 10:17 PM
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Side note, I sent him pictures of all of the bruising today. Told him I was not being nasty, or starting a fight, but wanted him to see what transpired on my end of things.

Then asked what we would tell our daughters, if it were them. I have three daughters, he has two. He's pretty remorseful and scared today. Yet again, Groundhog Day.
Not sure there is any point in this, itk. Sounds to me like stepping back onto the merry-go-round, wanting him to see how wrong he is and admit it, the same thing you've been doing for years and years. Really, who cares if he's remorseful and scared for a day or two? Long-term change is all that matters, not a day of feeling guilty...and the change that matters most right now is yours, not his.

It seems to me that you need every single ounce of energy, every second of every minute of every day, to change your living situation and move on w/your life. In your shoes, I think I'd go no contact except as absolutely needed. He's spent years showing you who he is. That's not changing overnight. Put on your blinders and stay on your side of the street.
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Old 12-30-2016, 04:28 AM
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intheknow.....I do agree with everything that honeypig just said........

don't put your "pride" in front of your inner happiness......
You could put your head back in the sand,,,temporarily....but, it won't change the true reality of the situation.....
You will just have to face this same thing, all over again....and it won't get easier...it will just get worse, as time goes on.....

You can do this!!!
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Old 12-30-2016, 05:35 AM
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I actually ate a little last night, and fell asleep. I got more sleep than I have all week. I'm hoping it helps with clarity today.

I've been working on numbers this morning, trying to figure out what's next. I'm going to ask him again today if he will move to the apartment in the shop, just to give me a little more time. Thoughts?

Thankfully I had previously signed up for a yoga/meditation/vision board retreat that is tomorrow morning. It can't get here soon enough. 🤗
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Old 12-30-2016, 06:05 AM
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Honestly? I'd just go, myself, right now, and get some legal proceedings going so you can make a real plan with some notion of what you have to work with. A protective order is one option. You have photos of the bruises. While you should not have slapped him, from what I gather, his response was out of all proportion. Even if you don't go that route, a lawyer can advise you whether you would be entitled to pendente lite support (pending divorce). Presumably you have income from your renter, so you aren't penniless.

And honeypig is right--even if you get him to feel guilty enough in the moment to agree to move out, that could change at any time and you still have no long-term plan or security. I'd suggest making a plan for complete self-sufficiency.
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Old 12-30-2016, 06:10 AM
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intheknow...from what you have shared...I don't think it is a good idea.....
He is an active alcoholic....and, just because, he sounded sober and remorseful a little while ago....do not trick yourself into thinking that he has changed or that he won't tell you to get out, again, as soon a some liquor passes his lips.
Change doesn't happen overnight.....or.just because the alcohol blood level has reached zero.....
If chang ever does happen...it is after intense hard work following a program...working that steps, therapy, etc. It takes one to two years just to get some stability...some real recovery.....One has to change their thinking, which leads to change in attitudes, which leads to change in actions.....
It is hard work and takes a l ot of committment....

One drink...and, he will be thinking that it is HIS house, again....
You have, now, just taken the first step forward...please,please, don't take a step backward.....
To me, it looks like going back into that house is the first step to your previous thinking......
Aren't you tired.....?
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Old 12-30-2016, 07:52 AM
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I'm completely exhausted. Thank you, and Lexiecat. Sometimes the logic gets cloudy.
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Old 12-30-2016, 09:26 AM
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I just have to screw up the courage from somewhere deep inside to start making those calls. You know, the "Hi, Dad. This is your adult daughter again calling you to help her pick up her life and move on..." kind of call.
Oh hun - i hope you don't think your dad would prefer you stay there and NOT call!

Sending you strength and clarity. You deserve far, FAR better...and I could guess your dad already knows that. <3
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Old 12-30-2016, 09:44 AM
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Hey, I felt pretty dumb after everyone had accepted the divorce from my first (nice/long-time-sober) husband, I get married about a year later, and after a matter of MONTHS living with new husband I had to tell everyone I was leaving because new husband had gone back to drinking after almost dying from it.

Sure, they were dismayed, but mostly concerned about my well-being. The only real (though relatively trivial) burden was on my brother, who let me stay with him for a week till I got my new apartment. I had to take a short break from my child support payments (which I repaid, with interest, a short time later--first husband was also concerned about me and trusted me to make it right). It all worked out, and everyone was happy I didn't waste more agony on that situation.
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Old 12-30-2016, 03:07 PM
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I have been gone since Monday. He wanted to talk today because he's sober. He had no idea I wasn't at the house. He thought I was downstairs

WOW! i mean just.........wow. Assuming your house isn't so big it has its own bus service, talk about out of touch!??

i wouldn't look to HIM to be of any help or part of your plans going forward. i wouldn't rely on him to keep an eye on my cactus while i was out for an hour.

bruises and remorse are part of the CYCLE of ABUSE.
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