seekingcalm

It's been a while since I have been here. I am grateful that my alcoholic partner has been sober and in recovery for almost 7 years. The pain that brought me to this site was replaced with wisdom and strength and I know that we are the lucky ones. We have a wonderful, healthy and strong relationship.
So...I am here today because my 25 year old son seems to have a drinking problem. This is not something new, but of course it is progressing to the point of no denial on my part. He was too hungover on Thanksgiving to really participate although physically present, and showed up drunk on Christmas Eve too. He is charming, he has a great job, it all looks so very good on the outside. But, I see what I see that perhaps others cannot just yet. Oh, I have learned my lessons well, and know that I cannot do anything about it. Last night, my daughter, and my partner and I attended an Al-anon meeting. Good move for all of us.
My question is...can or should I mention the elephant in the room to my son? Can I say that I (we) have been disappointed in his behavior? I know it won't change anything, but I am a little fuzzy on this...do I just act like it's all ok and perfectly acceptable? I am allowed to set some boundaries here, right? I don't want all of our family gatherings to be less enjoyable for everyone else because of him.
Help! This is harder because it is my child, but easier because I don't live with him. I am ok, but if his behavior is not ok, what is the best way to express this?
Thank you all for any strength, experience and wisdom you can offer.

Maudcat

I would express my concern to my son. You are right, it likely won't change anything but, cards on the table. This way, any boundaries forthcoming shouldn't be a surprise. You are allowed to set boundaries, and you should. You and your partner can decide what those are. Peace.

PhoenixJ

Re read the threads, perhaps. Messy with family- want to protect, save. He is an adult making his own choices. Look after yourself. Prayers.

Seren

I agree with maudcat in that if you mention your concern now, even though it will likely be minimized and downplayed by your son, it will set the stage for any boundaries you need to put in place in the future.

"If you have been drinking, I ask that you don't show up for dinner."
"If you have been drinking, I will leave and not continue the conversation."

or whatever...

I'm just so sorry the patterns continue to the next generation Sending strength!

Praying

Prayers to you--this is something I wonder about with my own kids someday--and I warn them about the potential given their family history. They're still teens right now.

7 years ago, did you talk to them about what was happening with your partner? Your son would've been at home (I think) when sobriety was just kicking in. If not, this angle may not help. If so, it might work to bring he conversation back to that time and share some of how horrible it was, how it got there, and the fear you have that he seems to be on that path. That you support him and don't want to see him fall to the same path that may have been shown to him or feel familiar, due to his childhood experiences.

I find that if I share my fears out of what I've exposed them to or other things that were out of their control, they feel more open (since I'm being vulnerable), and less attacked (since things evolved somewhat out of their control)--even though going forward it's all in their hands.