I am scared for my dear brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 3
I am scared for my dear brother
Hello everyone,
I am new to the forum but am familiar with Al-Alanon concepts, having attended meetings some years ago in connection to another family member. I also come from a highly toxic family, having experienced heinous abuse at the hands of a narcissistic (possibly sociopathic) mother.
While I personally have done a lot of work on myself to overcome the trauma of our upbringing and broke off contact with our mother 2 years ago, my youngest brother has not and has stayed mired in the quagmire. Our dad also had a drinking problem, and though I'm not completely sure he's a full-blown alcoholic (he seems to have his drinking well in hand at the moment and actually become a moderate drinker while he cares for my brother) obviously there's a genetic predisposition there. In fact, it's quite obvious on both sides of the family tree.
My brother hasn't dealt with the trauma of his past all his adult life, subscribing to the maladaptive belief that it's better to let bygones be bygones and forget it all (thus pushing it below the surface and self medicating with drugs and alcohol). He lived "the good life" until it was time to pay the piper and his life fell to pieces in his mid-30's. the only good thing that's happened this year is he's beaten his cocaine addiction.
So basically this year he's gone from a semi functional alcoholic to a hopeless one. He's been in and out of rehab and detox and the day he gets out he's drunk again. He has lost everything - his marriage, his toddler daughter can't be left alone with him, his home, job, band, and most of his friends.
Now he spends all day every day drunk and drinks VAST amounts. He calls me up crying about the state of his life and says that he has exhausted all his options and that nothing works for him and he is a hopeless case.
The past 2 weeks he has not left the house (he's living with dad after being kicked out from mums - can't say I blame her after she'd been through the mill with him apparently). Dad has also been through hell over the past couple of months having been called to the ED numerous times because someone has found him passed out in a park and called an ambulance. Or he's been suicidal. Dad is 70 and his own health is under strain.
2 weeks ago it was his birthday and we were all going out for brunch and then he ended up not going and stayed at home crying. Same thing Xmas day. Then Xmas night dad notices in the toilet my brothers urine is dark brown so calls the paramedics who conclude he is dehydrated but not enough to go to hospital?
So now I find out the full extent is he has barely eaten a bite in a MONTH, hardly drinks any water and subsided on nothing but booze. And is incontinent and wets the bed every night?!!! Vomits constantly. How in the hell is he still alive? I am devastated and the reality is setting in that his organs must be very close to failing now and he is just giving up on life. I don't even recognise this person. The super talented, intelligent, caring person who was known and liked by everyone and had such a promising future. Only a few short years ago.
Am I overdramatising or being alarmist or is this situation as bad as I think it is?
Thank you for reading and for any feedback you can offer
I am new to the forum but am familiar with Al-Alanon concepts, having attended meetings some years ago in connection to another family member. I also come from a highly toxic family, having experienced heinous abuse at the hands of a narcissistic (possibly sociopathic) mother.
While I personally have done a lot of work on myself to overcome the trauma of our upbringing and broke off contact with our mother 2 years ago, my youngest brother has not and has stayed mired in the quagmire. Our dad also had a drinking problem, and though I'm not completely sure he's a full-blown alcoholic (he seems to have his drinking well in hand at the moment and actually become a moderate drinker while he cares for my brother) obviously there's a genetic predisposition there. In fact, it's quite obvious on both sides of the family tree.
My brother hasn't dealt with the trauma of his past all his adult life, subscribing to the maladaptive belief that it's better to let bygones be bygones and forget it all (thus pushing it below the surface and self medicating with drugs and alcohol). He lived "the good life" until it was time to pay the piper and his life fell to pieces in his mid-30's. the only good thing that's happened this year is he's beaten his cocaine addiction.
So basically this year he's gone from a semi functional alcoholic to a hopeless one. He's been in and out of rehab and detox and the day he gets out he's drunk again. He has lost everything - his marriage, his toddler daughter can't be left alone with him, his home, job, band, and most of his friends.
Now he spends all day every day drunk and drinks VAST amounts. He calls me up crying about the state of his life and says that he has exhausted all his options and that nothing works for him and he is a hopeless case.
The past 2 weeks he has not left the house (he's living with dad after being kicked out from mums - can't say I blame her after she'd been through the mill with him apparently). Dad has also been through hell over the past couple of months having been called to the ED numerous times because someone has found him passed out in a park and called an ambulance. Or he's been suicidal. Dad is 70 and his own health is under strain.
2 weeks ago it was his birthday and we were all going out for brunch and then he ended up not going and stayed at home crying. Same thing Xmas day. Then Xmas night dad notices in the toilet my brothers urine is dark brown so calls the paramedics who conclude he is dehydrated but not enough to go to hospital?
So now I find out the full extent is he has barely eaten a bite in a MONTH, hardly drinks any water and subsided on nothing but booze. And is incontinent and wets the bed every night?!!! Vomits constantly. How in the hell is he still alive? I am devastated and the reality is setting in that his organs must be very close to failing now and he is just giving up on life. I don't even recognise this person. The super talented, intelligent, caring person who was known and liked by everyone and had such a promising future. Only a few short years ago.
Am I overdramatising or being alarmist or is this situation as bad as I think it is?
Thank you for reading and for any feedback you can offer
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
SR- sounds pretty bad. Remember your own health and safety. What can one do for a person in the throws of addiction? Certainly we cannot make them get better. I do not really have any great advice. Perhaps your Al- anon contacts could suggest a rehab for your bro- if he is willing? I am certain you know most of the answers by experience and reading these threads. I also understand your concern for your family. All of your own safety is important- not to be dragged into that vicious addiction cycle- putting your lives on hold for him. Support is important for you at a local level. You have my support and prayers. PJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Addiction is UGLY hon.
I am sorry you have to see your loved one in this situation but until he is ready there is nothing you could do for him. Even if he was in the hospital when he comes out he could very well go back to drinking again.
I am sorry you have to see your loved one in this situation but until he is ready there is nothing you could do for him. Even if he was in the hospital when he comes out he could very well go back to drinking again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
How horrible to witness the steep decline of alcoholism, my heart goes out to you. I recommend going to Alanon again, it helped me keep my sanity and the group support was awesome. We can only save ourselves in the end but it is heartbreaking to witness. A big hug.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if he is in such a state, how does he manage to get MORE booze? is your father supplying him with alcohol?
he sounds pretty far gone at the moment......perhaps it's time to consider some type of commitment - altho that may only "buy" time til he is back out again.
he sounds pretty far gone at the moment......perhaps it's time to consider some type of commitment - altho that may only "buy" time til he is back out again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by ScarlettRose 
Hello everyone,
I am new to the forum but am familiar with Al-Alanon concepts, having attended meetings some years ago in connection to another family member. I also come from a highly toxic family, having experienced heinous abuse at the hands of a narcissistic (possibly sociopathic) mother.
While I personally have done a lot of work on myself to overcome the trauma of our upbringing and broke off contact with our mother 2 years ago, my youngest brother has not and has stayed mired in the quagmire. Our dad also had a drinking problem, and though I'm not completely sure he's a full-blown alcoholic (he seems to have his drinking well in hand at the moment and actually become a moderate drinker while he cares for my brother) obviously there's a genetic predisposition there. In fact, it's quite obvious on both sides of the family tree.
My brother hasn't dealt with the trauma of his past all his adult life, subscribing to the maladaptive belief that it's better to let bygones be bygones and forget it all (thus pushing it below the surface and self medicating with drugs and alcohol). He lived "the good life" until it was time to pay the piper and his life fell to pieces in his mid-30's. the only good thing that's happened this year is he's beaten his cocaine addiction.
So basically this year he's gone from a semi functional alcoholic to a hopeless one. He's been in and out of rehab and detox and the day he gets out he's drunk again. He has lost everything - his marriage, his toddler daughter can't be left alone with him, his home, job, band, and most of his friends.
Now he spends all day every day drunk and drinks VAST amounts. He calls me up crying about the state of his life and says that he has exhausted all his options and that nothing works for him and he is a hopeless case.
The past 2 weeks he has not left the house (he's living with dad after being kicked out from mums - can't say I blame her after she'd been through the mill with him apparently). Dad has also been through hell over the past couple of months having been called to the ED numerous times because someone has found him passed out in a park and called an ambulance. Or he's been suicidal. Dad is 70 and his own health is under strain.
2 weeks ago it was his birthday and we were all going out for brunch and then he ended up not going and stayed at home crying. Same thing Xmas day. Then Xmas night dad notices in the toilet my brothers urine is dark brown so calls the paramedics who conclude he is dehydrated but not enough to go to hospital?
So now I find out the full extent is he has barely eaten a bite in a MONTH, hardly drinks any water and subsided on nothing but booze. And is incontinent and wets the bed every night?!!! Vomits constantly. How in the hell is he still alive? I am devastated and the reality is setting in that his organs must be very close to failing now and he is just giving up on life. I don't even recognise this person. The super talented, intelligent, caring person who was known and liked by everyone and had such a promising future. Only a few short years ago.
Am I overdramatising or being alarmist or is this situation as bad as I think it is?
Thank you for reading and for any feedback you can offer
I am new to the forum but am familiar with Al-Alanon concepts, having attended meetings some years ago in connection to another family member. I also come from a highly toxic family, having experienced heinous abuse at the hands of a narcissistic (possibly sociopathic) mother.
While I personally have done a lot of work on myself to overcome the trauma of our upbringing and broke off contact with our mother 2 years ago, my youngest brother has not and has stayed mired in the quagmire. Our dad also had a drinking problem, and though I'm not completely sure he's a full-blown alcoholic (he seems to have his drinking well in hand at the moment and actually become a moderate drinker while he cares for my brother) obviously there's a genetic predisposition there. In fact, it's quite obvious on both sides of the family tree.
My brother hasn't dealt with the trauma of his past all his adult life, subscribing to the maladaptive belief that it's better to let bygones be bygones and forget it all (thus pushing it below the surface and self medicating with drugs and alcohol). He lived "the good life" until it was time to pay the piper and his life fell to pieces in his mid-30's. the only good thing that's happened this year is he's beaten his cocaine addiction.
So basically this year he's gone from a semi functional alcoholic to a hopeless one. He's been in and out of rehab and detox and the day he gets out he's drunk again. He has lost everything - his marriage, his toddler daughter can't be left alone with him, his home, job, band, and most of his friends.
Now he spends all day every day drunk and drinks VAST amounts. He calls me up crying about the state of his life and says that he has exhausted all his options and that nothing works for him and he is a hopeless case.
The past 2 weeks he has not left the house (he's living with dad after being kicked out from mums - can't say I blame her after she'd been through the mill with him apparently). Dad has also been through hell over the past couple of months having been called to the ED numerous times because someone has found him passed out in a park and called an ambulance. Or he's been suicidal. Dad is 70 and his own health is under strain.
2 weeks ago it was his birthday and we were all going out for brunch and then he ended up not going and stayed at home crying. Same thing Xmas day. Then Xmas night dad notices in the toilet my brothers urine is dark brown so calls the paramedics who conclude he is dehydrated but not enough to go to hospital?
So now I find out the full extent is he has barely eaten a bite in a MONTH, hardly drinks any water and subsided on nothing but booze. And is incontinent and wets the bed every night?!!! Vomits constantly. How in the hell is he still alive? I am devastated and the reality is setting in that his organs must be very close to failing now and he is just giving up on life. I don't even recognise this person. The super talented, intelligent, caring person who was known and liked by everyone and had such a promising future. Only a few short years ago.
Am I overdramatising or being alarmist or is this situation as bad as I think it is?
Thank you for reading and for any feedback you can offer
A very big thank you for all your replies! I will respond in more detail soon.
Just checking in quickly to give you an update. He has been hospitalised and has been in the ED for longer than 24 hours as it was determined that it was dark blood in his urine after all. They are still trying to locate the source of the bleeding (it may possibly even be an injury as he fell off his bike when drunk as he rode to the shop!) Then again, that's probably wishful thinking.
Dad also located his discharge notes from his last hospital visit which said he had 'alcoholic hepatitis'. How advanced it is is anyone's guess.
The ED doctor has said that this detox is risky in itself so this is a dangerous time for him. Anyone have any experience with this?
Thanks again xx
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Yes, I have watched my stepson detox in a hospital on two separate occasions.
The first one, he was diagnosed with jaundice and alcoholic hepatitis. The doctors said he had a 50/50 shot of making it through those and the DTs he experienced--which were awful!
He hallucinated and became combative and had to be restrained to the hospital bed. He had ascites (fluid in the abdominal cavity) that had to be drained (several liters). Yet he survived...unfortunately to keep drinking and drugging.
My stepson has been hospitalized for his drinking or drug use every four years since 2008. Now, apparently, he has added heroin to the mix.
My prayer is that this may be the turning point for your brother. Sending you strength!
The first one, he was diagnosed with jaundice and alcoholic hepatitis. The doctors said he had a 50/50 shot of making it through those and the DTs he experienced--which were awful!
He hallucinated and became combative and had to be restrained to the hospital bed. He had ascites (fluid in the abdominal cavity) that had to be drained (several liters). Yet he survived...unfortunately to keep drinking and drugging.
My stepson has been hospitalized for his drinking or drug use every four years since 2008. Now, apparently, he has added heroin to the mix.
My prayer is that this may be the turning point for your brother. Sending you strength!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
alcoholic hepatitis is pretty severe liver damage and knocking on the door of full blown liver failure. Withdrawal in bad alcoholics can be severe with seizures, hallucinations, possibly even death.
That's good to hear he's in the hospital though to make sure they can keep things under control. Hopefully this may be a wake up call for him, and possibly try to get him into a long term rehab facility.
That's good to hear he's in the hospital though to make sure they can keep things under control. Hopefully this may be a wake up call for him, and possibly try to get him into a long term rehab facility.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I hate to tell you this but my exah has been at this stage many, many times. He had two cardiac arrests in one weekend 3 years ago and is still here. How I have no idea. ( and no longer care tbh) He has had more detoxes that were risky than I can count. With every single one he continued drinking as soon as he was able, usually while still in the hospital as his brother brought alcohol in to him. It's important you look after yourself. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and take a step back. The insanity will drag you down otherwise.
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