qtpi

I was really hoping DS would contact me on Christmas. Yesterday was the lowest day yet. I am just trying to pick myself up and keep going. I am thinking about counselling but really what is the point? Nothing I do will repair things with DS and me at this point. I can only hope he will give me a chance. I just do not understand what I did that was so wrong in his eyes. Going to a counselor will not give me any clarity on that.

So I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I do not want to feel like "Poor Me." But the Alternative- writing DS off - doesn't work for me either.

I sent him a christmas card and a check - i sent one to my daughter too- and I didn't want him to hear about that and think I didn't care if I didn't do the same.

I know he is in touch with STBXAH. I just wish I knew why he won't get in touch with me. What did I do that was so wrong? And why is STBXAH off the hook and I am not?

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

Your kids are still very young, maturity-wise, and since your ex has decided to make them choose sides through manipulating the truth, really all you can do is give it time for them to grow up and figure out that things aren't always what they seem.

gregknight

A hug from me as well! Yesterday sucked. Do see a therapist. It can help in ways you can't imagine now. It's just my opinion, but I think it can help.

Bekindalways

Ah Q, so, so hard. I hope 2017 bring you healing and hope!

Big hug to you.

dandylion

qtpi........I hope that you can try to accept that this will take time.......
You didn't do anything wrong......He will process this...all in time.....
Don't torture yourself that his not talking to you means that you did anything wrong......

Perhaps a therapist could help you toward acceptance and some peace within yourself that his not talking to you means that he doesn't love you.....
Kids don't stop loving their parents...not, deep down.....

DoubleDragons

So sorry, qt. I pray for a chance for clear and open communication for the two of you. Don't lose hope!

53500

Hugs from me as well, and prayers your son contacts you soon and your relationship is healed. And don't write off counseling. The right counselor can help.

Years ago I sought therapy, mostly due to a failed relationship. The therapist couldn't get the guy back for me but he helped me, a lot.

LexieCat

Wallowing in self-pity and writing him off are NOT your only two options. (And, BTW, I think writing him off wouldn't make you feel any better.)

One of my closest friends was estranged from her two oldest sons (under similar circumstances, though her ex was not an alcoholic, but very manipulative and a complete jerk). The estrangement lasted a few years, and gradually began to thaw as they got a bit older. She is now very close with both of them and their families.

It hurt her a lot while it was going on, but the point is that it didn't last forever. You can keep the door open to healing the relationship without having unrealistic hopes that things will change overnight, or even in the very near future. People DO grow and change--especially when they are young and they start really getting what's important in life and understanding that relationships are complicated.

Hugs!

qtpi

I got up today and said to myself- Self, let's be good to you. So I am going to get some exercise. Got my apartment cleaned up- planning some things with friends this week. Cleaning off my desk. Thinking of all the ways I can be good to myself.

SmallButMighty

Sometimes we just have to love people from a distance. It's hard and it sucks.

Although my daughter(22) seems to accept the new normal for her family ( parents both with different significant others and a mother who moved far away), my son who is 18, is still standoffish with me. He will answer my direct questions with short text answers but declined me asking to talk on the phone with him Xmas day. I don't get responses when I tell him I miss him and I love him. ( Though when we are together in person he will say " I love you too" when I ask him to give me a hug) He was already angry with me for leaving his dad and I think my moving away once he had graduated high school and had secured himself a very good paying job, just added more fuel to that fire. I'm sure he thinks I am being extremely selfish. It makes me sad, but through my growth I have realized I can't be responsible for his feelings. I sacrificed SO MUCH for my kids, in ways they will hopefully never even understand. I have to remind myself that I did the best I could with what I had to give. I'm sure you did to Q.

It's not wrong for us to make decisions that are good for OURSELVES after years of giving our all to others at our own detriment.... for people who don't even appreciate our efforts on their behalf or the pain they've caused us by their actions or inactions. Hopefully as they mature they will understand that there was a whole lot more going on than what they ever could have known.

Hang in there mama. Have faith he will come around once he has a little more real life experience under his belt.

Ladybird579

I can't say if your ds will ever get in touch with you again. All I can tell you is what has happened to me. I have 8 adult children and when I split up with exah 4 chose to not speak to me again. No one in our family or long term friends who saw them grow up have any idea why. I know exah manipulated them, He lied about me but in the end they decided to have no contact with him either. I have a grandchild I have never seen and key events like their weddings and graduations I have been excluded from. It hurt ...a lot. I am 3 years into this freeze and have learnt that the cause of it is not all exah related but he was the catalyst for them breaking away from me. They blame me for many things. Some they are justified, some they have no idea how hard it was for me. I was at breaking point when I finally decided enough was enough. Of the 4 who still speak, two live with me and the other two visit. I have had to cope with Christmases alone and my two youngest ( now 18) having birthday parties without me so they could see their siblings who were no contact with me. At my mothers deathbed I was ignored, at her funeral I was ignored.

I now know some of my children are cruel. That helped me heal tbh. I stopped beating myself up and decided if they cannot be bothered to get counselling and see how everything effected us all that is not my problem. They expected me to continue to suck things up so they could keep living in our big house. When it all hit the fan the house was gone and they have had get places to live and grow up. They were all in their 20's so not too young.

This Christmas wasn't easy but I am getting better at having a life with them not in it and you will too. I can't say how. Time goes by and you adapt. They know I still love them, they know I'd be there in a heartbeat if they need me. Meanwhile I get on with my life. xx

qtpi

Small and Ladybird- thank you for telling me about you. iT helps to make me feel less alone in this situation. MY DD is standoffish with me- it is just so confusing. I wish she would tell me what she is so angry about. You are right- they don't know what I put up with and I don't want to go there. I made my decision to stay while they were growing up. I didn't do it to be a martyr. I looked at everything and decided it was the best course of action. But this is the best course of action for me now. Perhaps they see me as extremely selfish. I guess there is nothing I can do about the kids. So I am going to try to shift my focus and be really good to myself. I am going to try not to think about them - like I had to stop obsessing about STBXAH.

amy55

qtpi,

I can only talk to you about my experience, maybe some things might seem familiar to you, or perhaps not.

I also stayed because I though it would be better for my 2 youngest, if I did. I was the strong person in the hh, the one that when they had problems, they would come to me. The times when he was drunk, they would stay away from him, they both actually told me that I should leave.

For me though, I stayed too long. I started to sleep in the car, and hide out in the garage because I couldn't deal with the yelling, and I didn't want them to hear it. I also started to drink heavily then. I was self-medicating myself.

So, my kids saw all of that also. I was losing my strength. I was becoming weak. I think they were kind of seeing that they couldn't depend on me either, and they turned more to their father. It was also, even after I left, I think I still appeared weak. I was too weak to go back to the house to get most of my things, (I just couldn't go to that house, I went once, and my ex showed up and started a fight with me, I couldn't do it again, I would rather lose everything).

I had moved in with my friends, (I always have to say, they are the best friends anyone can have). I was diagnosed with c-PTSD. So, I was trying my best to heal, but I was in a weakened state. Thinking about this now, I know I wasn't really thinking about how the kids were handling things. The time in their life that they really needed someone, I wasn't there. I was licking my wounds. I wasn't strong. Instead "he" was. They would tell me that they use to feel like they didn't even have a dad, and now he was visiting them, talking to them, and they liked to finally have a dad. Meanwhile, I was in my own little world. Worrying about where I was going to live, how I was going to be able to afford it, and I would say that most of my conversations with them might have been filled with me and my worrying, and not being the strong person that I was for them, while they were growing up. I was turning into the needy person, when they were seeking assurances and I don't know, just someone they could turn to when they were trying to adjust to the changes. I wasn't there. I was coming off more as someone who wanted to maintain a victim status.

This was all 2009, 2010. Then in 2010 my oldest daughter filed an R.O. on me. We were having a disagreement about a birthday party for her son. My mother was coming in from Florida for this, and I had asked this daughter if I could be the one who went to this birthday party, instead of my ex. Easter was the next week, I told her to have him down then, and just to give me this weekend. Well, she didn't want to hear anything, then supposedly CPS went to her house, and she said I called them and she filed an R.O. If you read anything here that I had posted about my oldest daughter, you will know she is a "drama queen". She then started to spread lies about me to my younger son and daughter. None of them talked to me for over 3 years.

I'm now settled into my own home. I have had a solid relationship now with my son for since June 2014, (from 2011 till then, we had many ups and downs), he now calls me about 2x's a week. My youngest daughter, things are going really good now this year. She even stayed over my sisters house last night with me for Christmas.

What I did during that period of time was, I always text them for all the holidays and their birthday. I knew that I may or may not get a reply. For birthdays, I always waited till midnight the day before, so that I could be the first one to say Happy Birthday, also for the holidays.

I don't say anything bad about their dad, but now I am able to bring up good things that happened during their childhood, and even to talk about good ole days with their dad there. I couldn't do that for a long time, because it seemed like they were waiting for the other shoe to fall, but now we can just laugh at silly good time memories.

Be patient, they do come around, and they do love you. I think it's really hard for them to try to figure out how to deal with their parents separately. It's like they were so used to seeing the 2 of you as a unit, and now they have to see the 2 of you as separate individuals. It's a big adjustment for them.

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy