Divorce final 2 days ago, really struggling
 

Hi everyone. I have been lurking for a while, visited here several years ago when I ended a relationship with an alcoholic and wouldn't you know I ended up marrying an alcoholic & marijuana user shortly after. They were complete opposites and I think I was just ready to settle down when I met my now ex husband. I am really struggling with my choice to leave, especially with the holidays.
Our divorce was finalized this week. He wanted a large sum of money ($20k) and zero visitation, which I agreed to so the kids wouldn't have to stay overnight with him & his son (I have 2 under 2, he has a 9 yr old). Now my ex mother in law is pressuring me about her relationship with the kids. In the past I told her I wouldn't keep them from her but she didn't help me when I reached out during my marital problems and has seen my almost 2 year old maybe 10 times max since she was born.i also don't trust her to prevent my ex & his son from seeing them and considering he has stated several times he doesn't want them and has yelled at the oldest to shut up because she was talking while he was trying to sleep on the couch, I don't want them around my kids. I have talked to my pediatrician & lawyer about the situation & they have advised to either cut off contact so the kids don't get confused (why does dad have full custody of our brother & doesn't want to see us) or limit her visits to my house. I finally told my ex MIL she could have them for a few hours for Christmas at her house but that would be the last time. She divorced my exs dad as soon as her youngest was in high school for his drinking and verbal abuse & I don't want the cycle to repeat with my kids. Plus she's encouraging me to stay and pray for things to improve which I think is hypocritical since she divorced for the same reasons I am.
A little background...When things were good, they were amazing. He made me laugh, was super respectful and he actually asked about my day and remembered things I talked about and took care of me. We got engaged after a year together and he got his 3rd OWI when he was on his was home from celebrating our engagement with his buddies. The 2 previous were 10 years prior when he was 21 & shortly after his dad died so I told myself this was a test and I needed to prove I was in it for the long haul because I loved him. He cleaned up for a year after that, even quit cigarettes, and we were just the happiest couple. Would race home every night after work & stay up late talking plus the chemistry was just amazing.
A month or two before we had our first child together he smoked weed again when he spent time with a group of friends he had distanced himself from. His ex was killed by her boyfriend 3 days after our daughter was born so we got full custody of his son, who he previously had every other weekend & one night a week until 7. His son has extreme anger issues, which his teacher & pediatrician flat out told us so that's not me being an evil stepmom, and stated he was that way prior to his moms death so that plus a newborn was a terrible combination.
The stress of going from basically zero to 2 kids led him to get high and wasted every night. At this point I was the only one with a license so instead of enjoying maternity leave I was driving him and his son 45 min across town in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon. I was miserable. A few months later he got let go from his job because he couldn't pass a drug test, eventually he found another one that didn't drug test. During this time I started counseling, I begged him to go too but he wouldn't. He also said he would stop getting high "when he ran out" which he never did. So he would be up gaming and drinking/smoking til 2 am which meant even though he was up, I was the one tending to the baby.
Shortly after this, my birth control failed due to some medicine I was on (we hadn't been intimate in months and it was like 3 days before my period was due so I didn't bother using backup contraception which is my fault) and I got pregnant again. He was super happy, but I was very upset at the prospect of adding another child to our unhappy home. I gave him an ultimatum & he agreed to quit smoking & cut back on drinking, which he did for a while. after giving him several more ultimatums, & then finding his hidden stash that he lied about, I filed for divorce & moved out with our daughter.
During this time he begged for another chance, then lashed out and destroyed my house by punching holes in walls (was mine prior to us meeting) & quit paying any bills. He finally moved out once stepsons schoolyear was over, but the few times we tried to work on things it never seemed to work. he walked out of couples counseling & when I tried moving back home he kicked me out of the house 6 months pregnant at midnight with a sick child & wouldn't let me return to get her meds. He also called me about every name you can think of and would tell our daughter "mommy is a b****" and other stuff like that. Of course I made excuses to rationalize his behavior because that's what I do best.
When our 2nd child was born I let him stay at the house (I had moved back at about 7 months pregnant when he moved out) so he wouldn't miss the birth. we ended up scheduling an induction due to a medical issue & he got wasted 2 nights before it and woke up me and our daughter around 2 am. He then proceeded to sleep all the next day leaving me to take care of our daughter on basically no sleep. He left the night before I was induced because I was a b****, came to the hospital when our 2nd was born and then left in a rage because I wouldn't let him move home and "be a family again."
Any advice on how to explain this to my kids as they age, encouragement that this is best for my kids, and how to distance myself from my ex MIL would be great. At the end my ex was begging for another chance stating "this time would be different" but after about a year of him not paying any bills, including his car payment I took the loan out for when he finally got his work permit because he had bad credit, I told him I had to do this so I could afford daycare for 2 and my other bills but we could try to work on our relationship if he wanted. He said if we got divorced it was over and has cut off contact since he signed the paperwork, with the exception of dropping a few gifts off for the kids including a card saying he didn't abandon them and he tried his hardest to fix things but some things just can't be fixed. I'm so stressed and upset my life has turned out this way and I hate to admit this after writing about all the bad things we've gone through, but I still love him & signing the divorce paperwork was the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss him, feel guilty the kids don't have a dad and worry that I won't be able to recover financially & will have to sell my house & move in with my parents.
Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading. And I have read the stickies & codependent no more and am starting individual counseling back up.

WD- thankyou for sharing. Being the addict who destroyed my family I will offer no advice. I have agreed to my ex's requests and respectfully left my fam. alone while I keep on growing in recovery, BTW so you know aI am not a complete a-hole (any more). Emotions and rstional thought contradict each other at times. You are grieving something that is no more. Grieving takes time. Stay safe, keep up with getting prof. help. Have you thought of support meetings? As for your children- you will need to be the judge of what you do.
My support and prayers for you all. PJ

You've seen the good side of him, the one you fell in love with, but boy has he shown you the other side! You can tell yourself truthfully that you treasured the happy period of your marriage, but that part is gone, and you will get over the heartache.
You're building a life for the long-term, taking the painful actions you need to secure yours and your children's future. It's not easy, but look at your ex if you want a picture of where the easy options take you. He has rejected his children, damaged you financially when he was supposed to be supporting you, and has intimidated you with physical violence.
When you had couple's counselling he showed he doesn't have the strength to face up to the damage he's done.
Your instincts about your MIL are probably right, but if you think she's capable of becoming a support for you, consider letting her see them. But it would have to be on your terms, and constructive. You would have to be the one calling the shots. If you think that's possible, it may benefit your children to have another grandmother, but only if she's capable of behaving herself.

Hi, I'm very sorry for what brings you here. But your ex is unstable alcoholic (which was most likely caused by his family). So I would cut off any contact with his mother.

On top of it, your ex knew how hard it is to live in abusive household and he didn't change anything for his 9 year old. He abandoned him and left him live with crazy mother and abusive man who ended up killing his mother. Of course that poor kid is angry! He was abandoned by his dad (who is unstable himself) and had to witness got knows what between his mom and her new man. That poor kid needs counseling and stable home.

It seems like if you stick with him, your kids might end up hurt and compensate for that by drugs and alcohol.

I strongly recommend therapy (it really helped me) and cheaper version this podcast which was tremendous help freedomain radio / stefan molyneux (also on YouTube section relationships is interesting).

I know it's hard not to have father for your children and that you feel guilty, but the man you described is not a father figure.

The best you can do is to apologize to your kids for your choices. And show them how healthy relationships look like.

I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I was in 2 yr relationship with an addict and I work really hard so this would not happen to me. However I guess there is no guarantee and I sympathiuwoth you.

Stay strong. He is no good.

Hi, wishingdreaming--welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here b/c it sounds like you need all the support you can get. This is a wonderful place for both education and inspiration, and I hope you find help here.

First of all, let me say that you are not alone in still loving your alcoholic/addict even as you signed the divorce papers. Many of us here feel the same. But love is NOT going to get him sober and make him be the husband and father you want him to be, as you've already seen. While things were different when you first met him, at this point he has pretty clearly shown himself to be an abusive, manipulative alcoholic/addict who is incapable of handling normal life responsibilities or of treating you or his children with respect and love.

And a life like that is what you'd be in for, had you stayed w/him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and things would only get worse as time passed (unless he got help, which I saw no indication in your post of him wanting to do).

I see that you've checked into the stickies and are looking into counseling. Can I also suggest Alanon? It costs nothing and can be extremely helpful as far as "real-world" contacts to help you through.

Although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, I think his insistence on cutting all contact is a blessing in disguise. This man has nothing--NOTHING--good to offer you or your children right now. If a miracle happens and he finds recovery, certainly he can re-establish contact w/you then. In the meantime, which could be a very very long time, your energies are far better spent in building a secure, joyful life for yourself and the children.

It's frightening, looking ahead and not knowing how things will work out, but they do--I promise, they really do. Here are a couple of threads on that topic, and they are only a small sampling:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ep-crying.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-like-now.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ars-later.html

I hope you keep reading and keep posting here, wishingdreaming. I look forward to the day that your "wishingdreaming" has become a solid and beautiful reality!

Everyone has given you good advice. You have been through enough heartache- you deserve to be happy. I understand about feeling guilty, because I also felt guilty, but it doesn't sound like you should feel guilty about leaving- and you didn't cause his illness. I wish you peace and serenity.

he sounds truly awful, dangerous, volatile and someone who should not be around children EVER. it truly is best that you go No Contact, move forward and seize the best safe and sane life possible for you and the kids.

Even if you let him back in your life, your kids still won't have a father. Or you a partner. He doesn't have that to give.

You've had a really rough time and I send you a hug and wishes for peace and clarity.

PJ
Thanks for sharing, do you see your children now? I am frustrated because I wanted him to play a role in their life, but he says it's either all or nothing. I'm hoping he stays away if he can't be a consistently present parent but it just makes me sad it's come to this.
I have thought of going to alanon, I should look into when the meetings are. With 2 small kids I'm typically only free over my lunch hour.

You have no idea how much your encouragement helped make a difficult day easy. Sometimes I think I imagined or exaggerated how bad it really was, but who kicks their pregnant wife a baby out of the house at midnight in the rain? I am sure I will be back to read this when I am feeling lonely or nervous I made the wrong choice, which right now is way too often.

I will check out the podcast, thanks!! He actually fought for years with his ex to get custody of his son but she left the state so he had to find her, file for custody and ended up with minimal custody and paying a lot in child support because she only worked part time. It's probably better for my kids not to have him around, but it's hard to know he fought so hard for his son and just wants money instead of a relationship with our kids.
I'm glad you were able to get out of your relationship.

Thanks, I wish the same for you. I need to focus on myself and my kids and making 2017 our year. I do have so much to be thankful for and need to remember that.

I love that statement, even if he was around he wouldn't be a dad or partner. So true and I should just consider myself fortunate he took ninety instead of pushing for overnight visits.
Thanks for those reassuring words.

Hi, WD... I just wanted to let you know how horrific your story is to me and that I am so sorry it is like that for you. You deserve so much better, and his "all or NOTHING" stance with his own children is BULL****! He's a selfish addict right now. I hope he chooses recovery and FAMILY (for God's sake) in his future. But for now, protect your little ones. I will say a prayer for you.

A cruel psycho who does not deserve them, that's who. Geez, stay away. I understand he has a good side but so far the bad far outweighs it. And this "all or nothing" crap with seeing your kids - well it's crap. A loving-but-divorced parent does anything to remain part of his/her kids' lives and cooperate with the other parent.

Unless he drastically changes his tune, stay far away.

God bless.

Even though he fought for his son, look how it ended. As soon as he got him after horrible tragedy, he relapsed big time. His son's mother died and he wasn't there for him. He started to drink more and wasn't around. If he did this to his son, can you imagine what he is able to do?

I would recommend that you get help. Check how single motherhood affects children and try to explain them that you made a mistake and make sure they don't repeat it. That's the best you can do for yourself and their future. If he ever changes, it will take a while and The chances are low. He didn't change for his son so it would be surprising.

Single motherhood might not be ideal, but having stressed mother and abusive father is definitely worst. He already yelled at your little daughter...

Please, get help and I hope the podcast helps too. You can even write them and have a call with them to discuss your situation.

Thank you!! I met with my counselor earlier this week & am feeling a lot more positive. I got my final divorce paperwork in the mail today so I can close this chapter and move on to a better 2017!!

Thank you!! I included a no contact order in our divorce paperwork & if he wants any visitation he has to go through our lawyers & I will ensure he is drug tested & willing to be a stable fixture in their lives. More than likely I'm guessing that will be too much work for him and he will just go drink & smoke and throw a hue pity party for himself. Onward & upward in 2017!!

Happy 2017...may it be the best year ever for you and your children

I keep reminding myself of everything you just wrote but it is nice to see it all written out without the "but he did xyz too" excuses that I make up to rationalize his behavior.
I did talk to my counselor about the single mom fears I have and fortunately I have several male relatives that live close by that are willing to step in and be positive male role models. She said that staying single and focusing on being a good mom and allowing them to see me work through this is best, versus jumping in a new relationship or staying bitter or doing the on & off again thing with their dad. I was also the breadwinner so I think although things will be a little tight financially, I should be able to keep things pretty much the same for them unless I get get laid off or decide to sell the house & buy something that is less maintenance.
Thanks so much for your kind words & happy new year!!