honeypig

wd, I posted this in a different thread a while ago but wanted to re-post it here, as I think it's pertinent to what you said above:

I was working a week or so ago and turned on the radio in the van. Apparently that day someone had called in with a question about how to handle a sticky holiday family situation involving a divorced spouse and kids. Several calls were taken from people offering "advice", ranging from merely stupid to really mean-spirited, I thought.

I was on the verge of looking for something else when a woman caller came on the air. She described struggling w/the holidays as a divorced parent w/children still at home, and she said "yes, things are different since we divorced. The holidays are different. But you have to make new traditions, new ways of doing things. You need to show your kids how to start over b/c when, not if, they need to start over themselves, they will know it can be done."

It's from this thread, if you want to see the whole thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...al-thread.html

What I'm trying to get at, in a long-winded way, is that people focus on "things not changing" for the kids as something to aim for when a marriage ends. But things ARE changing, and they are changing for an important reason.

I'm not a parent, so maybe have no right to talk, but it seems to me that what needs to clearly and obviously NOT change for the kids is that they are loved. Everything else is a teachable moment. As the lady on the radio said, WHEN, not IF, your kids hit a rough patch in their own lives and need to start again, they will know they can do it, and that it is NOT a failure or shameful to do so!

It's a possible time to teach that yes, we all make mistakes, that there is nothing wrong w/making a mistake or with admitting the mistake when we know it, that sometimes we have to do with less or do without for a time, that it's OK to ask for help, that being safe/happy/respected is far more important than appearances--so many possible lessons to be learned if the situation is looked at honestly, every single one of which will help your kids throughout their entire lives.

I did not intend that to come off preachy, and I hope you don't take it that way. That woman on the radio passed on a powerful message about change and resilience, one that I hope I don't ever forget. I hope you find some use in it too.

MAYA1

I am very happy for you - seem like a good and positive plan. Its hard not to excuse them and I hope our perspective helped. Each of us here needed help to open our eyes .

You sound strong and pretty independent in all ways. I wish you luck.

Happy New Year and keep us posted. Stay strong!