The Divorce Complaint is so Ugly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
The Divorce Complaint is so Ugly
The thought of it all is making me feel sick. I constantly worry I"m doing the wrong thing.
We are separated. He hardly makes contact and when we speak it's always about things that need to get done, never the relationship. He says he's sober I've no idea but I think he might be.. I know in my head he is never going to want to fix this.
I'm already alone so that is not my fear. Maybe this isn't fear anyway just a smashed up broken heart. I hate this I'm not ready for Christmas either.
We are separated. He hardly makes contact and when we speak it's always about things that need to get done, never the relationship. He says he's sober I've no idea but I think he might be.. I know in my head he is never going to want to fix this.
I'm already alone so that is not my fear. Maybe this isn't fear anyway just a smashed up broken heart. I hate this I'm not ready for Christmas either.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Flavia, guard your heart against making too much of December 25th. It's just a day when all's said and done, and you can spend it any way you like. What you're not doing is worrying about whether he'll be sober, or in a good mood, or whether you're saying the wrong thing.
I know losing someone's love is hard on the heart, but you can replace that with your own love of yourself and dignity.
I know losing someone's love is hard on the heart, but you can replace that with your own love of yourself and dignity.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Flavia 
Last Christmas happened less than 2 months after my husband died...so, yeah, I get the whole not being ready for Christmas thing. And that's OK. Please be super kind to yourself right now. Perfection and 'getting it all done' just has to go out the window while you grieve. Sending support and strength!
Last Christmas happened less than 2 months after my husband died...so, yeah, I get the whole not being ready for Christmas thing. And that's OK. Please be super kind to yourself right now. Perfection and 'getting it all done' just has to go out the window while you grieve. Sending support and strength!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
F,
Hon, he maybe sober, but he is still not In a good place. Take care of you, so you can be in the best place you can be. Even if you get a divorce, who's to say that you can never get back together. My sister in laws parents divorced over his drinking, and a couple years later they remarried and lived happily after.
Work on you and give the rest to God. It is out of your control my friend, and worrying about something that you can't change is fruitless. Hugs for a peaceful Christmas.
Hon, he maybe sober, but he is still not In a good place. Take care of you, so you can be in the best place you can be. Even if you get a divorce, who's to say that you can never get back together. My sister in laws parents divorced over his drinking, and a couple years later they remarried and lived happily after.
Work on you and give the rest to God. It is out of your control my friend, and worrying about something that you can't change is fruitless. Hugs for a peaceful Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Flavia, 2 years ago I was in the process of leaving my XAH. He wasn't sober but we were basically living in separate bedrooms in the same house. I was alone as far as I was concerned. It was uncomfortable and a black cloud hung over our home constantly. I hated the holidays because they were representative of family, but I felt like our family was being torn apart and that it wasn't worth celebrating.
A was trying to pack, plan for a future with no job, and then put my son through his parent's impending divorce. I felt awful, I had barely any hope, but all I knew was that I needed to be out of that relationship.
This year is a completely different story, as was last year. Every year has given me an opportunity to grow, to overcome my hopelessness, and to learn new lessons about myself and the people around me and who I am to those people and vice versa. My life is far from perfect, I still have to deal with my XAH because he is my son's father, and I struggle with codependency issues in my new relationship, too, with someone who I believe needs to be in Al Anon, as well, lol. Life will go on and all things are temporary. My old sponsor used to say, "This too shall pass....." And, god, some days that was the only thing keeping me going. Just knowing that it WILL pass; the feelings, the resentments, the crazy making crap in my own head, etc. I had to learn to live in today, but to look forward to a better tomorrow. Hell, I still have to work on that. Progress.......not perfection.
A was trying to pack, plan for a future with no job, and then put my son through his parent's impending divorce. I felt awful, I had barely any hope, but all I knew was that I needed to be out of that relationship.
This year is a completely different story, as was last year. Every year has given me an opportunity to grow, to overcome my hopelessness, and to learn new lessons about myself and the people around me and who I am to those people and vice versa. My life is far from perfect, I still have to deal with my XAH because he is my son's father, and I struggle with codependency issues in my new relationship, too, with someone who I believe needs to be in Al Anon, as well, lol. Life will go on and all things are temporary. My old sponsor used to say, "This too shall pass....." And, god, some days that was the only thing keeping me going. Just knowing that it WILL pass; the feelings, the resentments, the crazy making crap in my own head, etc. I had to learn to live in today, but to look forward to a better tomorrow. Hell, I still have to work on that. Progress.......not perfection.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 30
My divorce was just filed and he left in October. I am past talking about the relationship so for me, that is a gift. I am not really Christmassing this year, but I am soooo enjoying the first holiday season without yelling and drama. I will see some family tonight, but tomorrow, I am going to sit in my pjs and watch movies I want to watch. Free from judgement and criticism.
You don't have to feel or do anything except what you want. Don't do what is expected, do what is good for you. Take time for your self and just "be".
You don't have to feel or do anything except what you want. Don't do what is expected, do what is good for you. Take time for your self and just "be".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Thank you so much, everyone. You all made me so much less alone. Merry Christmas!
PS- I'm leaving the tree bare except candy canes but really it's for the best. I'm headed back to work right after Christmas and won't have time to take decorations down
PS- I'm leaving the tree bare except candy canes but really it's for the best. I'm headed back to work right after Christmas and won't have time to take decorations down
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