Needs advice...

Old 01-21-2002, 11:19 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Needs advice...

I can't get to any of the Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings in my area. They are all held in the evening and my noyfriend is very
jealous and controlling. I can't even go to
the store without it being a major issue.
What do you recommend?
Old 01-21-2002, 01:12 PM
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Sounds to me that you need to dump your boyfriend before he becomes your husband and things get worse.
Old 01-21-2002, 04:27 PM
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Ogly's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161

he will not even let you out for dinner out with the girls? because my suggestion would be to call one of the groups and ask is there is someone will to come pick you up to go to a meeting and you tell him you are going out to dinner.. don't tell him you are going to a meeting.....

if you can not get out at all - i would also have to say take a serious look at your relationship.... it sounds more like you are in jail....and that is no way to live - love is not supposed to be painful or possesive...there is a better life out there than being trapped in your house at night....

worst case scenario, a - keeping posting here - at least it will give a life line till you can break free of his domination and b) see if you can make an open AA or NA meeting - it will not be the same message as the meetings are for the addict and alcoholic - but whenever i can not make a naranon meeting - i go to an NA meeting - helps me understand what my addict is going through and i get alot of strength as well from listening to recovering addicts..... and i know you will be able to find at least an AA meeting during the day....

good luck...

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Old 01-21-2002, 04:42 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Santa Fe,NM.USA
Posts: 28

Diana, Im giving you a speel on domestic violence and control, OK. Some guys are all bark and no bite, while others bark and bite, thats the type Im refuring to.In my experiece control is one of the major factors associated with domestic violence. Alot of guys like to be "Mr. Macho" and its understandable, but remember to a degree, and to a point. Also about isolation; is that an abusive guy will tend to isolate you from your friends and family, and will also even try and turn you against them. The reason is so that when you are abused you won't have any emoyional support, and are more likely to stay in that kind of situation, vunerable and with no place to go. If he is causeing problems for you now and your just boyfriend and girlfriend, it could easily get alot worse if you were to either get married or have a child (have you heard that they get jelous of the baby, and most abusers attack they're woman when she is pregnant) Abusive guys all vary in the degree of their abuseness, and its hard to determine before hand if one is cappable of taking your life, but Ill tell ya, its really not worth finding out. Sadly my main reason for staying in a violent situation out side of being trapped, was an extreemly low self esteem!! Its horrible because when your in it you can't see the forest for the trees. So ask your self first of all dose he bite? And then is this the kind of enviroment you would like to raise children in? If this guy turns out to be a stalker can you move somewhere where he won't find you? Hey, Ive babbled long enough!!!! Good Luck !!!!!
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Old 01-22-2002, 06:53 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 12

Hi there! Well, unfortunately, it seems you don't have noon meetings in your area. That is too bad! The only advice I have is that you 1. go anyway, he'll get over it (unless he is violent) or 2. go to online meetings. Those too, the ones I know of are held at night...In case you are interested they have meetings at,, and Those are the only ones I know of online, and if you are interested in going to any of them, just check out those websites to find the days and times of the meetings. It is usually recommended not to make any big life changing decisions at first when you get into your recovery, that you will know when it is times and if it is time to make those decisions once you start working a program, but I do hope you are safe and can find it within you to be able to do this for yourself. Don't let the fact that he is controlling stop you from at least giving yourself a chance. Usually when someone stays in that type of relationship it is because of self-esteem issues. At first it seems so "sweet" or something that they are jealous, because it can feel that they really care, but it really is just about control. They need control of others because they are not in control of themselves or something of that sort. The truth is, you need to be able to feel safest at home, and there is no way you can when your goings on are questioned and controlled. Please find a way to go to a face to face meeting or an online meeting, but at least keep coming here. Hugs and love to you. You will find complete acceptance in the rooms of al-anon or nar-anon, I promise...
As always~
The Wife
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Old 01-24-2002, 08:14 AM
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I'm still looking for some local meetings to attend and I just wanted to let you all know that I am not worried for my physical safety . He's only verbally and mentally abusive, which is bad enough. We've been
togther for a very long time and we've gone
through alot together . We've overcome a mutual addiction to meth and coke, I just wish that he'd quit drinking. He's not ready to quit...he's doesn't have a problem
in his eyes. But whenever he's drinking all
he ever wants to do is argue with me. He's
a very social drunk with everyone else but me !! I am so tired of being screamed and cussed at and made to feel like it's all my
fault. I know I push his buttons wrong at times but I don't deserve to be screamed at!!
Old 01-24-2002, 09:55 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105

The first thing I learned in my quest for serenity is never argue with a drunk. I learned that long before attending meetings. It never gets you anywhere. Most times they don't even remember later. Plus they are ALWAYS right(In their own mind which is sick with alcohol) How can you argue with that.
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Old 01-25-2002, 03:19 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: nyc
Posts: 36

Well I have a different approach
why would I hide my where abouts?
I would probably tell him exactly where I was going& Leave him a AA pamphlet with meets & times..
I am of the opinion that any form of ABUSE IS UN acceptable. I turned my back on my addict after 25+ yrs of friendship & 2 yrs of relationship.
life is short & fleeting, toomorrow isn't promised. you survived the hell of addiction & lived to tell it. Sorry doll but he would have to be jealous & controling of himself!But thats me
I wish you JOY PEACE & Happiness
good luck KCB
Gold is best!
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Old 01-25-2002, 03:55 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Dayton, Ohio, USA
Posts: 59

Diana: You are falling into the trap of owning his behavior..The last sentence in your last post..say's it all.."I know I push his buttons at times"

Sometimes a seperation is good... to sort things out... not for him..but for you. If nothing changes..nothing changes..God Bless.
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Old 01-25-2002, 04:10 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Santa Fe,NM.USA
Posts: 28

Diana As a general rule I don't talk to my man when he's drinking, because of just that! And he has learned to leave me alone, and I have learned to leave him alone. If Ive got something to say I usually wait until the next day, granet I don't do this for him, but for myself, and geting all bent out of shape because of what he says while drunk is not my idea of fun. However my previous hosband would go through the roof! He demanded I attend to his every need when he was drinking, abusive, his threats were verbal, violent, and occationally life threating. Good luck finding a group!!!!
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