Ladybird579

called The Immortal Alcohol. It sums up my exah who has been at death's door more times than I can count or even know about the past few years. It's like Whack A Rat. He is near death, we get the call he's dying and he somehow rallies round to cause havoc for another few months. His drinking comes in waves with periods of times he can hold life together enough to do major things like move house with no help. I don't submit to the view he drinks cos he must. He drinks cos he wants to and chooses to cut back ( he has never stopped, not even in rehab) when it suits him so he can appear recovered enough to leach off people for a while by using his various alcohol caused illnesses to get help. I am so tired of this Merry Go Round I am forced to be on until my son's agree to get off it. I want nothing more to do with him and I am praying for the day they feel the same. I am bone weary of him, his life and his pathetic selfish ways.

LexieCat

Your boys are now 18, right? Legally, adults? I know they have challenges, and I get your need to be there for them, but maybe it's time to let them navigate their own relationship with their dad. You can stop inviting him, facilitating visits, etc. They know the score. You can give them resources for counseling to help them process this relationship and step away from the insanity, yourself.

You could sit them down and tell them that you will treat them like grownups on this, and you're always there for them to turn to if they need you, but that you are going to trust them to make their own choices about spending time with him.

As you've seen, it's not possible for you to prevent them from being hurt by this, as long as they choose to keep engaging with him. Without you to run interference for them, they might reach the right conclusions a lot faster.

Maudcat

My alcoholic sib was told several years ago after a withdrawal-related seizure that he would die if he kept drinking. Still here, still drinking. He's a mess, physically and mentally, but he keeps on ticking. Smh.

Maudcat

Agree with Lexie that maybe you could begin to put your sons' relationship with their father firmly in their hands, which might ease things up for you and give you the distance you seek. It's a process. Peace.

Ladybird579

You are spot on and it is exactly what I have done. l told them exah has blighted my life for over 20 years and it stops right now. I acknowledged they are legally adults and how they run their relationship with their dad is up to them. I said he was not coming round to our home anymore, or invited to events outside it I have organised for them. No more pretending to be a happy family. I discussed counselling again and one said he was talking to friends online. The advice he has had so far is sound as he told me what they had said. My autistic son sees no need for any at the moment as he has quietly bowed out of contact with exah a few weeks ago and says he has read up on why his dad is like he is and that is why he decided to stop seeing him as he knows nothing is going to get any better. Followed by "Have we any snacks?"lol

I know I need to stop beating myself up over eldest, especially, being so sad and upset as I am sure exah is hurting both boys to get at me. I think they have realised this for themselves now too.

The weird outcome of this chat was eldest son seems to have needed permission to take control and now he has it he is going too. Me saying I was done with exah seems to have made him realise he can be too if that makes any sense? Thank you

Bekindalways

In a way you have paid your boys the highest compliment; your actions say loudly, "You are smart, capable and enough of an adult to make your own decisions.". There is no compliment as powerful as one spoken in action.

I love the "Have we any snacks?" Kinda of an anti-codie response i.e. my side of the street is hungry and needs to be fed.

LexieCat

OK, well, then you are stepping OFF the merry-go-round. It may take some time to FEEL as free as you actually are, but start working on reminding yourself of it. It's very easy for parents to take on their kids' pain, but a little healthy detachment from adult kids is necessary, too. Part of learning to be an adult is to process those emotional bumps and bruises, just like we did when we were learning to walk.

Work on finding some great, self-fulfilling things to put into your life. It will get better!

Ladybird579

It is hard to feel free. The little niggling voice of "Should I do something?" comes back from time to time but so far I have pushed it aside and not acted on it. I've 2 trips to Europe to focus on in 2017 and I need to decide how to make some friends here. I have one and the boys don't want to move. Tho both would like to be nearer their siblings, they don't like the town they live in and it would not solve anything for me if they did. I need a bigger place tho as I sleep in the living room. My boyfriend goes back to Europe on the 4th and then I will be totally alone again. It's hard. I am not good in winter anyway. I never have been. I feel like I got more fragile as time went on not stronger but I expect it is all part of the process.