The worse part of our marriage.

Old 12-20-2016, 02:52 PM
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The worse part of our marriage.

So he came home early and immediately brought down the christmas boxes. Yes, happy. Then he beckened me to deal with guitar lessons, a computer problems and putting on the ornaments. Then he started to a throw a fit, as bad as ds11 did an hour earlier. He asked why everything is fd up. In which I screamed back because you don't do anything, as he already opened a beer. I can't do it all. In which the kids and I put up the ornaments and he ran to the computer store. I run to guitar lessons later. He criticized that the apointments to late. There is no relationship. He can't even be warm when he is home. Tears have already started flowing. I am so done.
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Old 12-20-2016, 03:20 PM
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I'm sorry, sweetie, but this is why you're leaving, right? Try to stop expecting him to be anything but awful to all of you.

And hard as it is, try not to scream back. You're wasting your breath, your energy, and your emotions. You have better uses for all of them.

Hugs,
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Old 12-20-2016, 03:25 PM
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hearthealth...everyone has a point of maximum saturation---a breaking point---a tipping point----a hair that breaks the camel's back.......a point of no return----
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Old 12-20-2016, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
I can't do it all.
I used to think this as well but let me tell you - you CAN do it all because you have been doing it all. It took me a long time to realize I could do it all because I was doing it all for a very long time. I had a person living with me physically but not mentally or emotionally. I realized just recently that all this time he was "there" I was still a single parent.

You are stronger than you think.

Many hugs and strength to you,
KTT
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Old 12-20-2016, 03:52 PM
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Actually, I found it easier to be a "real" single parent (after I divorced my children's father).....than it was while still being married to him!!!

I got so tired of being his unpaid domestic employee....(I also worked full time and turned every paycheck over to him).....
One day, I said no more...I had had enough. I divorced him, and I have never regretted that decision.
It is like taking a millstone from around the neck....
It is like walking free fro m the prison gates.......
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Old 12-20-2016, 03:53 PM
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HH- my prayers to you and your family.
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Old 12-20-2016, 04:37 PM
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Ugh... been there. He sounds miserable to be around

Maybe you and the kids can get out and go look at Christmas lights and get hot chocolate or something, and let him be a miserable scrooge on his own?

Big hugs to you , HH.
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Old 12-20-2016, 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post

And hard as it is, try not to scream back. You're wasting your breath, your energy, and your emotions. You have better uses for all of them.

Hugs,
It got worse. I should have walked away and read. I was pleading. Almost hoping that he will change in the next 14 days. Treating me like a wife. Something he hasn't done in 14 years. He kept saying, if X,Y,Z things were better around the house he would treat me better. The ironic thing was today I was so proud of myself thinking he has a darn good wife and I am. I'm not perfect. Could I jump threw more hoops? Yes. Do I want to no. He needs to put up or I'm gone.
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Old 12-20-2016, 05:17 PM
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he won't PUT UP, hon. he won't change. THIS is what you get.
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Old 12-20-2016, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
he won't PUT UP, hon. he won't change. THIS is what you get.
I'm really understanding this now. My minimizing and denial is done after tonight. My wishes and needs will always be minimized and denied by him. Two weeks isn't anything even if he would change tonight.
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Old 12-20-2016, 05:26 PM
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Anvil's right, don't hope for what isn't gonna happen. Yes, in the movies there is a miracle at the end. I don't think he's likely to be visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, and have a complete change of personality.
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Old 12-20-2016, 05:31 PM
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Heart, you want it to be better but you already know it won't be. You are with a man who does not treat you well. You have kids who benefit from your care. It's already been said by you and everyone here that you will be safer taking steps to move on. I wish you the best in doing just that. Easier said than done, I get that, but worth it, so worth it in the long run.
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Old 12-20-2016, 07:12 PM
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Big hug to you Hearthealth. This sounds so very difficult . . . the best part of your marriage is when he is gone . . . . the worst when he is home. Sigh.

Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself: eat well, stay hydrated, take that angry energy and get yourself somewhere this man isn't . . . even if it is just the next room or a walk around the block.

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Old 12-20-2016, 07:59 PM
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Sorry you are going through this.

And yes, you can do it all, you are already doing it all, but on your own it will be much, much easier

I am a full time working mother - and I was terrified that I was not going to make it after I parted with XAH - turns out I absolutely can and it is, in fact, easier

Just imagine not having his depressing presence around you
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Old 12-20-2016, 11:01 PM
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It's kind of a blessing in disguise when the s-- hits the fan, right? Then it becomes impossible to ignore the obvious. It's hard to minimize and rationalize when the poop is flying in all directions.

You don't deserve this, and you're the only one who can change it. Sending you strength--
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Old 12-22-2016, 11:55 AM
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Oh gosh, I so remember feeling like this. Honestly, when it was finally over, it was a relief not to live like that anymore. There is still stress, but not the daily, minute by minute kind like that.

Hugs, many hugs.
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Old 12-22-2016, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post
I am a full time working mother - and I was terrified that I was not going to make it after I parted with XAH - turns out I absolutely can and it is, in fact, easier
Nata - me too, full time working mother. It is many time easier to the 10th power. I actually get room to think and respond instead of always be anger or on the defensive.

My mother always said, 'how is he really helping you out, he takes the kid to school and that's about it. ' It literally takes me 15 extra minutes in the morning to be at peace the rest of the day. The mornings aren't as frustrating having to nag at him to do the things needed to get my son off to school. I just do it. My house stays 1000 times cleaner and when I do the dishes or clean, I am not angry and resentful about doing almost everything. So yes, most of us, who have disfunctional, irresponsilbe, adult-addicted children living with us are already doing it ALL and then some.
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Old 12-23-2016, 04:43 AM
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With all my complaining the other day nothing has changed. He did a small amount more but really I worked more hours but did much more. In two weeks the divorce process will start. I've had vacations longer than two weeks. It's not a life style commitment for him. He has had 2.5 years to be different. Oh, this week he started buying 16 ounces instead of 12 ounces and quite proud of the new beer. wth
I'm getting nervous, anxiety is setting in. So why be willing to continue this cycle? Commitment, a sense of the known, a fear of another backlash against me even though I know I'm again justified. A fight for custody. A fight for finances. A division of property. A new house. A new life. The thoughts keep winding around each other.
If I look at the positives a new life. A peaceful home. A better ability to keep the focus on me and the children. I won't have this cactus (nothing against cacti) in the house but he'll still need to be interacted with if only because of the children. I will still need to interact with this cactus. Do I yet have the strength and the desire? I know I will not have yet another year of this cycle. This will be the year of the cactus.
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Old 12-23-2016, 06:02 AM
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Hugs HH! You can do this, but don't forget to REALLY take care of yourself. I can relate. My husband was my best friend until four years ago when his mom died. Since then he has had moments of being a monster, moments of acting like a child, moments of being self sedated, but rare moments of being present for our relationship and our family. Just drunk. All. The. Time. I used to fear divorce and living without my best friend. Then I feared divorce for my child, because my husband is - when not drunk - an amazing father that other families admire.

But after some point this coming year, I won't have to endure another drunken holiday, another drunken appearance at my son's school, name calling, blame, rushing home from work to save my son from a tirade. AND. I'll probably have more cash flow, even if I have to pay him support. I'll have relaxing vacations and work from home when I want to. And I'll be able to have even more open, honest discussions with my son about what his dad is going through. It will still be very sad for him, but his dad is disappearing anyway. He hasn't really been around in quite a long time.

Happy new year to YOU!
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Old 12-23-2016, 07:04 AM
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Thank you Westexy, The sad thing is I can't even state that he is my best friend or hadnt been for a long, long,long time. Even with that, it is still hard for me to step away.
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